[nwparents]

Ok, so my mom and I went around yesterday to tour some Day Care facilities in our town. I saw several I wouldn't trust with our cat, and one that I really liked.

The assistant director was giving the tour, and I told her I needed the space open for September (when I go back to work..ugh!).

She then asked me if I had been home with my son since he was born. (He's eight months now.) I told her no, he was adopted and he came home a month ago.

Then she askes me, "Oh, so you can't have your own kids?" Can you believe it?! I didn't even know what to say. I just looked at her, and my mother took over and changed the subject.

Well, I really liked the Day Care, but the comment really left a bad taste in my mouth. If she is so ignorant, what can this day care be like?! I mean, he IS my OWN SON! Will he be treated differently at this place? I don't know if I am being too sensitive or what....

[tinaedmond]

I don't think you're being sensitive. That is an absolutely horrible thing to say to someone. It's clear to me that this day care needs some training on the issue! If the assistant director says something like that to you, I think you are within your rights to wonder if your child will be treated differently there.

For what it's worth, no one at our daughter's day care has ever said anything like that to me.

If you really like the day care, you could take a shot at talking to the assistant director, or maybe even her superior, and let your concerns be known and see what steps they are willing to take to address the issue. Or, you can just keep touring! Sooner or later you're going to find a center that you like and which doesn't say anything like that to you.

So sorry you had to go through that!

Tina

[mommytoEli]

Unfortunately....if we stopped doing business with every company that was not adoption sensitive...we wouldn't be able to buy groceries, gas, clothes, anything. Sad, but mostly true. When Ethan started daycare he was about 8 weeks old. Everyone had lots of questions and I did my best to educate people. In the end, I think it made him more favored than anything. They loved that he was adopted and wanted so much to help him. I would not feel badly about going back to the center you like and talking with the woman again. Let her know that you adopted your son because you love him and b/c of that you want him to have the best care possible. you may want to bring up the comment, or wait to see if the subject comes up again, but think about what you want to say in advance. Some people who say rude things have just found themselves at the end of their fertility and wondering what they are going to do. Some of them are curious about adoption, and do not know how to ask about it in a manner we would deem polite. I can not tell you how many comments I have gotten about not having my "own" kids that have turned into amazing adoption conversations. (I am not making excuses for EVERYONE who makes rude comments...just some.) I do not think you are being too sensitive. YOu are wanting your son to be treated appropriately, and that is not too much to ask. But if everything else about this place is what you want, I would give them a chance.....along with some literature on adoption language

[mommywannabee]

I don't think you're being too sensitive...it's a sensitive issue! But at the same time, maybe she just wasn't thinking. Sometimes people blurt things out and wish they could take them back as soon as the words come out of their mouths...

Maybe she wasn't thinking...I would say to give it another shot if you really like the place. Maybe there are others there that DO think before they speak.

If you go back and she's rude again...then I would say to go somewhere else. It's hard to find a daycare you like...

[ez4me2remember]

I often think people on this board are way too sensitive about comments people make....but that was very rude. It is a very personal thing. It's just something you don't ask!!!

[CashCrew]

WOW!!! I would be speechless too!!!! I don't know if it's an indication of how he will be treated but it is an indication that she's a little out of control with her comments. Wow!

[Yelena]

Originally Posted by mommywannabee

Sometimes people blurt things out and wish they could take them back as soon as the words come out of their mouths...

This is so true. I think that we can get caught up in our own little forum world where just about everyone is "adoption sensitive," and we tend to forget that for the rest of the world, this is just not part of their lives and they have no reason to think about what they should or shouldn't say to "us." They don't know the accepted terms (and often neither do we!) or the phrasing that we consider appropriate -- they're not being mean, they just don't know -- and they probably don't know that they don't know! I'm afraid to wonder what unintentionally horrible things I might have said to someone who's experiencing something about which I might be totally clueless...

If everything else is good with this daycare, I'd say to let it go. 99% of people don't mean any harm or disrespect when they use the words "real" or "your own" to differentiate between adopted and bio. My stepkids love me and consider me family, but they still call their bio mom their "real mom" when talking to others. People who are not touched by adoption are not going to walk around saying "bio mother," "birth mother," "first mother," etc. I have never heard or read those terms outside of this forum or our agency's office. I still only hear "real mom" and "real kids." I don't like it, but I just keep remembering that there's no evil intent.

[JPThornton]

Wow! That reminds me of a poster I saw once that said "It doesn't TAKE all kinds of people, that is just what you GET"! Not only was it rude to make the whole "Your own" comment, but I think her assumption that the only people who adopt are people who struggle with infertility! My sister adopted for that reason. I am adopting and have a biological daughter who is 6! I bet that would really confuse her! I agree that good daycares are hard to find. I would meet with the teacher/caregiver for your babies class and talk with her about her feelings toward adoption. Not just her personal feelings but if she is "up" to the unique challenges she may face the teacher.

Good Luck!

[guatamama2]

I was wondering if you are able to receive PM's? I noticed you are from WI and I was wondering if you had your son escorted home? I also have a great day care!

[doghouse]

We have three biokids so no one will EVER ask us that question. As for the adoptive parents who do not have biokids, you need to come up in advance with your reply to such a personal question. How about this:

"What ever they may be, our fertility issues are personal and private. We chose to grow our family through adoption. Why do you ask?"

Perhaps she may have fertility issues and need to talk to someone about the choice of adoption and doesn't know the right way to start the conversation.

Two years ago, I met a woman with an adopted baby. I took her to the side and asked her if it was very expensive. I really wanted to know. I believe I was meant to meet her because she was so nice about answering my questions. And now we are getting ready to bring our baby home.

[jpeel99]

I think she probably meant well. I have had a great friend say may be you can have one of your own one day.....I think they don't do it in a mean spirit.

[devildogwife]

I don't think you're being too sensitive! You love your child, of course you'll probably be sensitive to those comments! I think she was intrusive and out of line. I think it's a great idea to have a response ready for situations like that. I hope you find a daycare that you feel comfortable with. Good luck!

[HBV]

I agree that most of the time people just don't think---most folks are far to self absorbed to bother being intentionally rude.

When I get a question like that, I always just smile and say in my most polite voice "I can't imagine why that would interest you." Lets them know the comment was out of line without being sarcastic or rude back.

[awaitingagirl]

I would think the same thing about someone if they told me their child was adopted. Granted I would never say it out loud, but it is a general conception that those who cant have children adopt. Im in no way saying that its right. But I have come to notice that its true. I, myself have 2 bio kids, and when they are not with me, and we talk about the adoption of my daughter, they assume I cant have children OR they assume that my 2 boys are adopted. So I think you shouldnt be so sensitive to peoples remarks. People who arent in the adoption world DONT KNOW, I didnt know until I got here. So expect the worst from people and be overjoyed when you get the best

[Kaz99]

I wouldn't use that day care.

Flat out right inappropriate comment.
People adopt for many different reason. None of which are anyone's business.

If she can't think of what is right to say in front of adults, imagine what she may say in front of the children.

I'd of just walked out on her.

JMHO.

-Ran