[sherryvt0317]

I have an adopted 17 year old boy, a biological 11 year old daughter and are in the process of adopting a 7 month old girl.

As a parent to all of my kids I have tried very hard to not react to comments that could be taken the wrong way regarding my children. The reason being that I never want any of them to feel like there is something wrong with being adopted or not being adopted. If I can accomplish anything as a parent that would be that I never want them to feel ashamed or uncomfortable with who they are based on whether or not they were adopted. With that said I would never allow my son to use his past as a crutch in life either. We worked together to obtain support and help for him as he has needed it with the understanding that our goal was to break the cycle of his birth family.

We all love our children for who they are not where they came from. There have been a couple of instances where I felt the need to state just that and each time the person I said it too was very embarrassed by their own ignorance.

As birth and adoptive parents we have done nothing wrong and there is absolutely nothing wrong with our children so don't fret about what someone meant or didn't mean. If it was bothersome call them on it and clear the air. That will only be beneficial for that person moving forward or you will validate that they are simply ignorant and choose not to expose your children to their ignorance. Just my thoughts.

[kla1495]

Hi,

Having been the director of programs for children, I would expect much more knowledge and decorum from the head of a school or day care facility. That being said, it you really like it, ask to meet with the teacher and see how you feel about him or her. Your child is likely to spend little time with that insensitive director, but you want to make sure that this attitude is not prevalent among the staff. Young children have an uncanny habit of hearing and perseverating on our language and conversations and I would not want that type of insensitivity as well as other rude comments to be heard by my child. Just my two cents....

[MamaS]

You are not being "too sensitive" -- you just were not prepared for one of the many insensitive or ignorant comments you will encounter. When my daughter arrived from El Salvador a great many people asked me -- "What is she? and "Couldn't you get an American baby?" I had a standard answer -- "She is my daughter and she is the one God sent to me. He just chose to send her in an airplane." That pretty much closed that line of questioning. The next time someone makes a comment about how your son came into your family, you will be more prepared! Congratulations and best wishes1

[WaitingforJacob]

I have found that most people who ask me questions, really are just simply curious, it's human nature to wonder...and most people aren't adoption sensitive. I also find the most people aren't trying to be insensitive...they just don't understand.

I look at it as my opportunity to educate anyone I can. I don't go around preaching adoption...but I will respond to people's questions. I find I can tell when people really mean to be rude or bigoted...and those I will usually ignore, I refuse to waste my energy on close minded imbeciles!

In this case I would have responded that he is my own child. If the question relates to infertility, I just state the facts briefly, and add that adoption was always a part of our plan to build our family and move on. Many people ask why Guatemala...and I state that is where my heart took me; as a parent you just "know" in your heart where your child is.

The comment that I get the most is..."you are so wonderful to help a child, is he is so lucky you adopted him". These comments make me the most uncomfortable. We weren't out to save the world, we were just looking for our son...and found him in Guatemala. We were building our family and for us that meant through adoption..both domestically and internationally. I usually respond that we are lucky ones, to have been able to find our children and that we get to be their parents. Depending on the person, I will also explain how uncomfortable I am with that distinction.

Anyway, my point of view is that in most cases people really aren't trying to be rude (maybe a little too nosy...but not intentially mean). Educate them...and maybe the next time they encounter a family built through adoption they will understand the language and what is appropriate.

Kathy

[cbpwife]

Well, I really liked the Day Care, but the comment really left a bad taste in my mouth. If she is so ignorant, what can this day care be like?! I mean, he IS my OWN SON! Will he be treated differently at this place? I don't know if I am being too sensitive or what....

I went to a 'international adoption' seminar (like 2 hours) one day and the person doing the presentation was introducing families who had adopted and made this same comment - 'they adopted x from y and they have two children of their own' Now this is someone who really is very positive about adoption and she still made this remark. Some people just dont' know the words to use, like 'biological children' (not like that is any of her business either I suppose). I'd go back and talk to the director and give it another look, just so you can know one way or the other if it is the right place for you and your family.

[awaitingagirl]

I guess maybe I'm the odd man out here, but when people ask me if my boys are adopted as well, I answer them with "no, they are mine". Just from that statement, they know exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe some think its bad to say but in truth, or the truth in how I see it is A- is mine but she is from someone else. I don't think people should get all upheaved about the lingo that others use especially if you KNOW what they mean. You are only causing yourself more anger.
Im not trying to start a war. Its just my 2 cents.

[waitingforIsabel]

I don't think you are being too sensitive. You are thinking of your child. However, I agree with some of the other replies. I think people say things without thinking their comments through. I didn't realize some terminology was offensive until after we were well into the process and after lots of reading! Also, I have to think most people are just unaware of how their comments will sound until it is too late and they have said them. I've heard several doozies and where appropriate I just correct them (i.e, he is our real son) and move on. If you loved everything else about the daycare, I would give them another chance. Not one of us is perfect. Good luck in your decision.

[drjeanne]

Wow! I always love it when these issues come up because there are so many different opinions and I actually LEARN something from the replies! Thanks everyone for being honest and saying what you feel!

Do I think you're being too sensitive! ABSOLUTELY! I agree with the woman who says you have to learn to react to these comments like they're no big deal because we need to be teaching our children that they're no big deal! If we go flying off the handle every time a comment is made...how will this make our children FEEL?

Second, I don't agree with the "I wouldn't use that daycare" response. Sorry...don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings at all! I agree that the woman probably made the comment and didn't think about it. I wouldn't base my decision on which daycare to place my children in by a comment made by ONE female employee there especially when GOOD daycares are hard to find! What I would do is call the woman and say "I was there touring your facility the other day and I really liked your daycare! It seems like a safe, learning environment for my child but, I was a little taken aback by a comment you made and I wondered if you could explain what you meant and ease my feelings about whether or not my child will be treated differently because he is adopted. I want you to know that I consider him/her MY child and that your comment was offensive to me and probably would be to other adoptive families". Maybe you could use this to TEACH HER SOMETHING about adoption and what is nice to say and what is NOT so nice to say!

Always try to turn a negative into a positive!

Take care everyone and best of lucK!
Jeanne

[Tammy2005]

I dont think your being to sensitive, I dont think it is anyones business if we can or cant have bio kids, especially a daycare facility. You are there to place your child in daycare, not to be question on if you can or cant have children, how rude she was to have asked that. I do agree with others that we all will have to get use to these questions. But the way she asked and that she didnt even know you is not right. Do I think this isnt the place for you to place your child? well only you can anwser that. I dont think it means your child will be treated any different. I think the lady who spoke to you needs to think before she talks, wish you lots of luck. Tammy

[LadyTink]

I don't think you are being too sensitive. Her comment was very rude. I would look for another daycare.

[DreamingAzure]

Hi, I thought I would drop in from the Vietnam board, and give ya'll a slightly different spin.

I've spent most of adult life working with children in Daycare/Pre-K settings(I'm currently in the process of opening up my own DCC). I have worked with several families who made the decision to grow their family by adoption, and after those experiences I would probably ask a question similar to that...BUT a LOT more tactful I would hope!!

Here why:

Not all Amoms are as well adjusted as those on the forums here. Many have not fully dealt with all the reasons they decided to adopt. I don't know the actual percentage, but a large number of Aparents adopt due to infertility. Infertility is a hard thing to accept and over come.

When I was in California I had 2 different Amoms who(after adopting a baby) would break down in tears EVERY time they saw a pregnant mother. At one point we had SIX expectant moms in my classroom alone. Drop offs and Pick ups became a nightmare for one Amom especially, and we finally had to make special arrangements so they didn't come into contact with with the other parents.

It made my job as the teacher harder, because they couldn't/wouldn't attend any of the functions that we had for the families. IF I had known of the issue in the early days of their becoming clients of our school I could have helped(I hope).

On the other hand, I interviewed/toured one woman and her child(we refused her application after the initial interview) who had such a die-hard view on "zero population" that her 4 year old daughter thought that any woman who was pregnant was an Evil person, and would be reincarnated as a cockroach, that someone would step on in another life.

SO...I would guess her question had NOTHING to do with how she would treat your child, but how she would interact with YOU.

Just another side of the coin to maybe think about. I would talk to this lady and find out why she asked, But I wouldn't rule out a good daycare over one comment like that...at least not IMMEDIATELY.

[Guatmom2006]

Whoa! That was harsh! No, you're not to sensitive, that was a bit inappropriate. I really like the idea one poster had about coming up with answers to these shocking questions because we know they're coming. I love the "why do you ask" question at the end of whatever our response is. It puts the heat back on them to think about what they said. I wouldn't judge the whole daycare on one silly comment though. Like other posters have said, a good daycare is hard to find, and chances are she doesn't have a lot of interaction with the kids anyway. Let us know if you say something to her. I'd love to hear how she responds. This helps prepare us all!

[Mrsps704]

That was definitely not something she thought through before it spilled out of her mouth. I'm sure she regrets saying it and probably felt really foolish about it. If the center seems to be overall the best place for you than I'd still move fwd with it. I am sure that they will treat all children the same and her comment while it affected you, will not affect your child.

Sometimes when people can't relate they say silly things. We're just starting our adoption process but throughout our journey with pregnancy losses people said so very many things that were very hurtful albeit well intentioned.

I am an adoptee and am sure I've said things relating to my own life & adoption that would be considered not so PC. I've said my parents couldn't have kids of their own. Of course meaning of their own genetics. I know I am thier child and always will be. But as an adoptee, I don't even use the correct terms and I'm sure my parents don't either. As a parent you will hear many things, get many inquisitive stares. You'll just have to teach your child about the wonderful way you became a family and people are interested in all of you because you came together in a very special way.

Best Wishes,
Renee