[ncurry3]

Anyone out there 2nd guessing themselves for adopting? My doctor advised me against getting pregnant for some high risk reasons. My husband and I viewed all of our options and decided to adopt. We have started our home study but it seems that I'm always 2nd guessing myself and in all honesty, I feel like less of a woman for not giving birth. I know that this is all in my mind, and that I need to get over it, but a huge part of me is still sad that I will never see parts of me and my husband in our child. I also have a nephew that I watch every day who I adore and I see family traits in him that I know that my child won't have. On the flip side, I see that with each step we take towards the adoption, small miracles happen that let me know we are doing the right thing, but I can't help but feel that I'm missing out on something. Am I the only one who feels this way?

[saranbr]

This from "less of a woman #2"-- I have not given birth either. And, perhaps I am less of a woman, but don't care. We chose to adopt rather than have biological children at this time not because of inability but because we believe that there are many family-less children in this world and have a stronger calling to give a couple of them homes than to pro-create.

That said, you must do what is right for your family. If you don't feel ready to adopt then perhaps you should consider the high risk pregnancy option, at least you would know that you tried if that is very important to you.

[jaymo]

You aren't alone. I think that we all, at one point or another, second guessed our decisions. For us, we made the decision as to how far we would go with medicine and went that far and made the decision to "pick a country" as Jay said .

I see women that are pregnant and think, "gosh, I am SOOOO glad that my feet aren't swollen!" or "yup, I have LOST weight while waiting to bring our girls home!" I try to focus on the positive things with not getting pregnant ... I know, I know .. all cosmetic but hey, whatever works, right?!?!?!
This is not to say that when I am with my neices and nephew and hear, "Wow, Maura, they look just like you!" (lucky them I say!!!) that it doesn't sting a little because people will never say that about my children although they do have the same coloring as Jay does so he gets that already!
Well, that was a short answer that I made REALLY LONG! sorry about that ... sometimes I get a head of myself!
So, you are not alone .... I think that we all have gone through that .... it is, however, something that, I believe, you need to work on but once you see your child's face it will all go away!
Please keep us posted on your progress and continue to post questions or concerns here!!!
Maura.

[AnasMama]

You are by far not the only one. I have absolutely no regrets in my decision to Adopt Ana, however, I find it very difficult to be around pregnant people, or people with babies around Ana's age. I am convinced that when she gets home, I will be over it.

My husband had left me with the decision. He told me that we could either adopt, or have our own. He already has two sons from another wife, and does not want to pay college for 4. I was previously married to a man who did not want kids, who left me. My current dh and I had gone through IUI, and lost 2 babies. I could not bare losing another, so I decided to adopt. We are thrilled with our decision. It has been a huge emotional roller coaster with everything I have read about PGN, but I know that God wanted her little soul to be with our souls in this lifetime. I know she is the one that is meant to be our daughter.

It would have been nice to have a kid that looks like us, but I think it is going to be even nicer to have our Ana!

[2bASingleMom]

You do have to realize that adoption, while a wonderful thing, is riddled with loss...loss of the child's birth family and heritage, loss of the adoptive parents idea of what 'should have been', etc. It doesn't make an adoptive family less of a family, but you have to allow yourself to feel the loss and move on so that you can see all the wonderful things about it!

Like saranbr said, you have to do what is right for you. Give yourself time. Think about it. Talk to other adoptive families about it. Forcing yourself into something that isn't right won't be good for anyone. You'll know when/if you're ready.

For me, as a single, it took four months for me to get my hs done. Many times I'd take a few steps and then stop and think 'is this what I really want to do right now?'. But I kept on and BOY am I glad I did! I'm starting #2.

Good luck to you! Only you have the answer. If it is any consulation, everyone goes through some sort level of anxiety about the process.

Oh, and as far as seeing family traits in your child, the kids will mimick you like parrots and you'll start to see all sorts of things that you wish you hadn't! My son - at 18 MONTHS! - is already mimicking me wag my finger and say no. :-) Ok, maybe not what you're looking for, but it is priceless.

Good luck!

~Lynn

[mama8]

You may be very suprised how many traits your adopted children have that are just like you and your husband. I am always amazed how much "like" us our adopted children are.

I think not being able to give birth to a child can be felt as a tremendous loss to some women - allow yourself to grieve - but do know adoption is not second best - it is just as wonderful in every way to birthing a child!

On the lighter side - Adoption may even be better since you will be standing upright, fully clothed and totally alert when you receive your baby! No matter which way you go or how many times you do it - receiving that baby into your arms is an amazing moment!

I wish you peace as you decide what to do.

[sassycindy]

hi,

i'm sure you are not alone in feeling this way and i agree with all the other posts--you will need to really think this through and come to terms with whatever your decision is.

I went through a high risk pregnancy with twins. I was on bed rest, had to quit my job, and then they were born at 27 weeks anyway and spent 3 months in the NICU. So even with pregnancy and vaginal birth, i still experienced a lot of loss and feelings of having my body fail. They are almost 6 now and perfectly fine.

(I've also had 4 miscarriages so I'm familiar with loss of that type too)

For #3, we chose adoption. For us, this was MUCH easier and in no way a "lesser" parenting experience. While the paperwork, waiting, etc. are all miserable--no one is risking their life in the process (or at least in most "normal" cases, i guess!) as was the case with the biological route for us.

Personally I feel that pregnancy/delivery are neat things to experience, but so is travelling to a foreign country to adopt a baby. Yet in BOTH cases, the actual process of OBTAINING a child, is very short when compared to actually PARENTING/LOVING the child.

good luck with your decision.

[WVUMom418]

I'm not totally in your shoes because I was lucky enough to have 2 bio children before being told I couldn't have anymore. But I do want you to know that because this process is stressful I had many occasions when I second guessed our decision to adopt. I think it was just cold feet and now that we have our beautiful daughter home I couldn't imagine my life without her.

Even though she doesn't look like either of us after only 6 months I see that she is picking up personality traits from us. I can tell you as a mother of both bio and an adopted child that I don't love one more than the other, they are all 3 very special to me.

[guatamama2]

I think we all at times have these thoughts. I have a 4yo bio son, and he was an easy conception. Trying again though we went through Clomid, IUI and were about ready to start in-vitro when I decided there were too many children w/o forever families to go to such extreme lengths to bring another child into the world. (my mom and sister both have had breast cancer - so I was very hesitant to introduce all of the hormones into my body that are required for in-vitro!!)

I lost one referral and lets just say this one is not in the least bit going smoothly and often think about how I could have been in control of my own destiny by pursuing in-vitro, but I think adoption is my destiny!!! Maybe I will learn to give up some control issues I have and learn some patience

Best of luck to you, whether the choice was up to you or not - you have made a wonderful decision!

[ncurry3]

Thank you so much to all of you for posting such kind and wonderful wishes. I just thought of myself as being so alone in this. My husband never wanted children until my nephew was born and it almost split us up, but now that we are going though the adoption process, he is almost as excited as I am. And I am excited, I just sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Thank you again to each and every one of you. The last thing I wanted to do was start something controversial and have this be a boxing match, but instead it has been a wonderful gift for all of you brave, amazing, strong women. THANK YOU!

[merkley3]

You may not see biological characteristics, but certainly you will see personality characteristics of your family members in your adopted children. It is the nature vs. nurture theories. I have friends that have a 12 year old adopted son and he actually looks just like his mother and acts just like his father. I think you will forget that you did not give birth to this child because he or she will be born in your heart.

Hugs to you!
Mary