[brink]

First, great post by mommytoeli&ethan. She gave you a realistic picture of what can happen.

We adopted two boys who came home two years apart, both 4yrs old at the time. One took 14mo to come home, the other 18mo. Very hard. I can identify with your frustration and heartache. Sent dossier summer 2002 for beautiful 6yr old girl we met on #2 pick up trip. Didn't know she didn't have abandonment. That didn't come until May 2003. Then the Hague. We finally traveled for our daughter, by then 10yrs old, last Feb 2005. In many ways she seemed much less mature than 10yr old American girls. That can be a blessing really and makes it seem we adopted her at a younger age, if that makes sense, more of her childhood spent with us than if she'd seemed more mature. Of course it can cause some problems, too, but mostly I'm thankful she was still a little girl at heart.

Before we traveled, our new dossier beat us to Guatemala for a 9yr old girl at the same orphanage. We misunderstood, thought she had abandonment, but learned on our new daughter's pick up trip that the new 9yr old would need to be reliquished. Over one year later, birth mom signed for the first time. Argggh! Will she be home yet this year? I really doubt it, though our agency thinks there's the possibility. They've never been overly optimistic about time lines in the past, so I'm encouraged there might be the slightest chance she would be home by Christmas.

People ask how we can stand the wait. How to explain? What would a mother not do for her child? People don't understand the bond that develops over a referral.

Our kids came from a very loving home, so they have all been able to bond. But it has been much more of a challenge to add a 10yr old girl than a couple of 4yr old boys. Age, personality, living situation prior to adoption, all will play a part in how well your daughter might adjust. Our daughter sometimes makes it difficult for our older kids to enjoy being around her. But what 4th grade girl might not be a pest to older siblings? She learned English very quickly, but academics are still a challenge. She is doing very well, but has a long way to go to catch up to grade level, even as smart and eager to learn as she is. She is a blessing to our family, even if siblings don't recognize all we are learning from her about getting along and loving others. They enjoy her most of the time and get along well. The confidence that makes her bold and bossy is also the resiliency and spirit which have helped her to adjust to so many changes in her life, to be eager to learn all she still needs to, and to move past her grief over leaving the only home she's ever known and the caretakers and friends who truly loved her.

I respectfully disagree with your son. Our daughter very much wanted a mother and asked the director in Guatemala often if she'd found one for her yet. She had no clue that her new mother would hold her accountable for her grumpy attitudes, so sometimes Dad is much more fun. But she very much thinks of us as her mom and dad. (She does talk more about her birth mom than any of our adopted kids, one domestic). All this took time, even though she was being prepared for a family and had photos and phone calls from us. We did go out of birth order, placing her between our last two sons. Because she is a girl, we weren't concerned about effecting the boys' relationship. It hasn't.

Long post that I hope encourages you that it is very possible to add older kids to your family and be blessed all around for doing it. Best wishes and God's guidance, as you seek His will for your family and for this special young girl.

[auntiepippi]

You and your family are in my prayers... Your decision is a personal one and only you and your family can make it.

I guess if it were my situation, I would wait it out and pray a lot. I would think your daughter would want to have a mom, dad, and forever family, especially if she is aware of the impending adoption and is waiting just like you. She has probably already suffered several losses in her 10 years and knowing that you are giving up will be another significant one.

My ten year old son is so loving and values his family so much -- the maturity is really starting to show. Adopting a 10 yr old is much different than adopting a toddler or 3 yr old on account of the maturity and ability to discuss issues/feelings/problems. Just think of the relationship you and your daughter will have in the years to come, as adults. Have faith that she will come home to you and any day you may get that call!

[felmel]

Three years ago we brought home our daughter from Guatemala. We were told that she was 8 years old, however she was actually 10 years old. PM me if you are interested in talking.

[kerrib]

That is a very difficult situation to be in. Is it possible to visit again and try to get a feel for what the child is expecting? Is she waiting for you, etc.? It seems you are so far along. I would guess your son might be testing your love for him by saying that about your daughter. He might just need reassurance that you will still love him just as much.

Good luck and I hope it works out for everyone!