[gracie79]

Can any of you give me some ideas/wording about talking to our daughter about adoption? She is only 9 months old...but we have been trying to think about how we are going to word things.

How are you all referring to the birthmother? I liked "Guatemala mommy" but then I didn't know what to call myself when talking about adoption...just Mommy?

Also, our daughter has a bio. sibling (3 yrs. old) that still lives with the birthmother. How do we explain why she kept her and not our daughter? Does anyone have older children who have asked about siblings?

Thanks!

[lmitchem]

Hi,

Great question. I'm adopted...doesn't mean that I have the right answers for everything concerning adoption but I thought I'd give you my advice. My parents called my "birthmom" when I was little...the lady that had me or the lady that gave birth to me. That worked great for me because I was never confused about "2" moms. I believe if they had talked to me about my birth "mom" and my foster "mom" .... then I would've been confused on who my mom was. I had a wonderful mother and a gracious birthmom who made a decision to give me a better life and for that I'm thankful....but for me I only have one mom.(my adoptive mom..but I would never call her that - just wanted to clarify)

My birthmom has several children that she chose to keep. I'm the middle child. She kept a son older then me and 2 daughters younger then me. But honestly it doesn't bother me at all. I have a brother (my parents bio child) Those other children aren't my siblings to me. In your circumstance I would tell my child that she(birthmom)was better prepared to take care of an older child then a newborn baby and wanted the best for her. I wouldn't go on and on about it. I believe thats one mistake adoptive parents make is wanting to talk about adoption all the time. It's nothing we want to rehash 24/7. I'm very proud that I'm adopted but I didn't ever want it to be a big discussion growing up...that made me different and being adopted we are already different...we don't need a sign hung around our necks.

This is just my opinion. Hope it didn't confuse you more then ever

Lisa

[mommywannabee]

Lisa, thank you SO much for sharing this with the people on the forums. This is REALLy helpful and truly appreciated!

[Jonni]

We also use "the lady who gave birth to you" when talking with our little ones....not that it comes up often, but when it has that's what we say. As to whether there were other children who were placed for adoption by the same lady, I don't think that's info your daughter will need for a long, long time. A little one does not need to be confused with the concept of some far away "family". You are your baby's family and your other children are your baby's siblings. And by the time you need to talk about anything beyond that, the words will probably be there. I think Lisa gave you great advice and it sounds like she had a pretty smart set of parents.

Jonni

[lmitchem]

Thanks you guys for your support. Sometimes I hesitate telling my story or giving my advice being an adoptee because lots of times I've gotten flamed because its not what people want to hear. Thanks so much!!!

Hugs,
Lisa

[waitingforIsabel]

Great question and great responses. We've been thinking a lot about that too. And since, like all of us, I feel like her adoption is a celebration I think it could easily become a focus as the child grows, when it should be a characteristic of the child not her sole identity. I also think children are satisfied with bits of information when we as adults tend to go overboard with explanations and wording. I hope what I am trying to say makes sense.

[gracie79]

Thanks for all your responses-esp. Lisa for sharing your story. It really helps to hear other experiences!

[aniles]

I, too, was adopted, and I pretty much second everything Lisa said. My mom always referred to my birthmother as the 'girl who gave birth to you' or something along those lines.

I also agree totally with what she said about talking about it all the time. My parents told me and talked about it a little bit, but never made it a huge deal, for which I am very thankful. It is important to make sure your child knows it's OK to talk about at any time, but I don't think it's something to be brought up all the time. I think it would have made me feel different (my brother is my parent's bio son) or wierd. The fact that I was adopted was known, but never focused on. We focused on being a family, now how we came to be a family.

Good luck! Different things work for different families - but that's just my 2 cents!

[Larue]

Great thread. I often wonder the same thing.

And thanks Lisa for your insights and advice. And I second it...it sounds like you have some fantastic parents

[annelisa]

We have a 6 year old that was adopted from Guatemala and came home at 9 months old. From the beginning we would show her pictures from when she was in Guatemala and tell her her story of when we went to pick her up, etc. We refer to her birthmother as "the lady whose tummy you came out of, who loved you very much but was too poor to give you a home" AND "that God knew from the very beginning that we were to be her mommy and daddy." It has just always been talked about openly, but casually, so has never been a big deal to her. We did the same with our now 4 year old daughter.
In regard to siblings, our 4 year old was the first born and then her birthmother had 2 more children that she decided to keep. I don't feel it would do our little one any good to tell her that. Honestly, if she ever asks, I think I will just say that I don't know. I think it would be too painful for her to know that. JMO

[auntiepippi]

Originally Posted by aniles

We focused on being a family, now how we came to be a family.

I will definitely stress this as well -- so thanks, Ani, for giving me the words. "We focus on being a family, not on how we became a family." I think I will say that when people ask intrusive questions as well...

Thanks everyone for the great advice and the adoptee's perspective!

[aniles]

I noticed I accidentally wrote " . . ., NOW how we became a family", and I meant "NOT how we became a family".

[shelbydog]

What a great topic and great posts. Thank you for sharing the viewpoint of an adopted child. I too have a bio son who is now 4, and Mia, age 1. I worry about this alot and I am glad to hear that sometimes "less" is more as far as talking about it and your advice and insight is so helpful. My son has already begun asking lots of questions like "When is Mia coming out of my belly?" like he did, etc. so I am already answering them, but in front of him moreso as Mia is still too young to understand. This is very helpful.

[zanjen05]

Thanks!!! I needed this advice!!

[guatling1]

What a great topic! Our bio dd is almost 4 and when we told her we were adopting a baby boy from Guatemala (and showed her the photo), she immediately asked who was taking care of him! We told her the foster mother was taking care of him until we could go pick him up.

But it definitely seems like a good idea to not talk about it too much, especially once bambino gets home. Better to concentrate on enjoying being a family!