[joepegcamp]

We're at the very beginning of this process and we're trying to brace ourselves for anything...

Does gender predict attachment issues? Do boys have a harder time than girls? Girls? Or does it even matter?

And how do you heal the emotional pain of an infant when he wakes up in a different house, in a different country, with a couple of people he's met once or twice?

Are there any good books on the subject?

[ManyTimesBlessed]

Hi and welcome!

I'll try to answer a few of your questions:

Gender definitely does not predict attachment. Instead, attchment difficulties come when a child has multiple caregivers and/or does not have their needs met at an early age. Basically, the child decides that no one will meet their needs and so people cannot be trusted. They also may fear becoming attached since the people they cared about in the past have not stayed in their lives.

As far as helping your infant attach, there are a lot of things that can help. First, experts suggest that you DO NOT make the transfer while the child is asleep. If you do that, then the child may develop a fear of going to sleep because he/she has the idea that they might wake up in a new home with new caregivers. Even though it is hard for the child, it is better to have the caregiver say goodbye to the baby and introduce him/her to their forever family.

That said, there is unfortunately no way to avoid the sadness that your child will feel. They will naturally grieve the loss of their caregiver. From what I've read, the best thing you can do is to meet their needs and help them see that you will take care of them. Also, they say that it is a good idea to have transitional objects and to keep the same schedule and routine that the child is used to, at least for the first few months while they are adjusting.

A few good resources are:
1. Attachment Parenting by Dr. Sears (this is not specifically about adoption, but these techniques work very well for adopted children)
2. Raising Adopted children by Lois Ruskai Melina (this is a great book with a lot of informaiton on adoption in general and it does cover attachment to some extent)
3. A4EverFamily.org (this is a great website with a lot of good information. however, don't let it scare you because most people will not experience the depth of attachment difficulties that this website mentions. But, the techniques they mention are still wonderful and it also will help to know where to go if you DO experience problems.


Most of all, read the forums! This place is a wealth of information and everyone is so nice!

Good luck and God bless.

~Rachel

[mommytoEli]

As much as gender does NOT predict attachment....do not fall into the belief that a girl will have an easier time adjusting. I've read a few articles lately where SOME adoptive parents are under the impression that girls will adjust easier to adoption....thus lessening the chance of attachment issues. Don't buy into that. The previous poster is correct, it has more to do with multiple care givers and needs not being met. My two sons( one I have had since birth, one since age 9) have adjusted and attached with ease, but my daughter (have had since age 8) has many many issues, including attachment, and it is exhausting raising her. She is moody and emotional....as only girls can be and this exacerbates her insecurities about being adopted. However, I know many families with girls who are fine. I second the attachment parenting book.....we plan to use many of the techniques when eli comes home. My biggest piece of advice.....you and your spouse need to be the only caregivers for a while when your child comes home. Limit contact with others, and hold that baby every second for a while. Invest in a good baby carrier or sling. If he will only nap in your arms...sit down and enjoy the peace and quiet while he sleeps. In the beginning, it is all about making your child feel cared for, safe, and comforted.

[joepegcamp]

Thank you! We'll definitely check out the books you recommended.

Peg (and Joe)