[nina03]

I am putting this question out there for all of you to help with. DH and I are at a loss about what to do and are hoping you can help. I have a brother who has always been less than supportive of our adoption. When we first announced our intention to adopt, he said terrible things that I won't repeat here about the enthicity of our child, etc.

My brother doesn't "agree" with adoption. He feels that only blood children carry on family names. This position isn't shared in my family - there are 7 cousins including my brother and myself and 5 are adopted. Andrew is the first great-grandchild.

Since Andrew has come home, my brother hasn't made any nasty comments about his ethnicity to my face although he makes statements like, "oh - it's the Andrew show" (when the familiy is admiring Andrew's eyes) or the like. Overall, we have really limited the time that we spend with my brother because of his overall attitude towards our son (which is very apperant to us) and due to the comments he has made in the past.

To make a long story short, this past week has been terrible. My step father passed away (he was married to my mother for 25 years) and my brother verbally attacked me. Andrew, our 18 month old, was not there. My brother told me what a snob I was and proceeded to call my son a spoiled rotten brat. The clincher was when my brother told me that my son (who is a well-behaved, wonderful 18 month old) was going to turn out like our cousin because he was so sheltered, spoiled and ill behaved. Our cousin shot himself in the head 10 years ago in front of his own mother..............he then proceeded to tell me that it was because of me that my son will grow up to kill himself in front of me while going into unnecessary detail.........

My brother went on to tell me I was a terrible mother (which I know I'm not, but geez, it's been a bad week at this point and I was pretty emotional). I couldn't even speak I was crying so hard. I left without saying a word.

So, fast forward to 1 week later. My parents are divorced and I was raised by my father, my brother by my mom. I am an attorney who is a partner in a law firm with my father. My grandmother also works with us. I told my father and grandmother what happend and they don't want to get involved. My brother has been doing this for years to me - I believe he is very jealous of me and how I turned out (I am a professional, happily married, succesful, everything he is not!). My dad and grandmother don't want to get involved, which I sort of understand. My brother has always been the unstable one and I believe they enable him.

My husband and I decided that we would no longer be around my brother, at all. I cried for hours (literally) after his verbal attack and we decided that we would no longer play his game. Our son, the light of our lives, would not be exposed to that. So now, all of the family functions are taking place without us. My father and grandmother (remember - we are business partners) tell me we are being selfish and excluding Andrew from being part of the family. We have not attended a family function because of the situation with my brother and because we know he will be there. Nobody has even told him his behavior is inexcusable...............yet they expect us to attend the functions (including a 3 day family reunion!!!)

So..........my questions are:
1) Are we wrong in not attending family functions because my brother will be there?
2) Should we attend these functions and just pretend we don't know my brother? This is what my family thinks we should do. They have ignored my brother's behavior for years and they really believe we should too.
3) Should we be doing something else, if so what?

We don't want to exclude my dad's family from Andrew's life.......I just don't want to expose Andrew to such hatred and anger at such a young age and I don't know how much more I can take. It is one thing to insult me, but to insult my son is more than I can take!

I want your HONEST opinions and my feelings won't be hurt, regardless of what your opinions are. I just need some insight that isn't from a family member.

Thanks and I am so sorry this is long!

[Jaime Christine]

He sounds like an ***. Sorry, had to say it. Maybe you should miss a couple of functions and let people ask where you and your beautiful little boy are. Let them know why you are not there. Maybe your brother will realize that you bring more to a gathering than he does.

Mean people suck.

Good Luck!
Jaime

[Waiting4Alexa]

Hi, Nina,

I am really sorry about your brother. It does sound like your brother is jealous of you and is using your son to attack you because he knows that is the only thing that he can use to get you upset. I am surprised that your family is not more involved with defending you. I agree limiting your time with your brother, you are right, your child does not deserve to be treated like this and neither do you. Your brother is completely out of line and is very wrong in his actions. If I were you, I would still continue to go to family functions, but stay clear of your brother. Don't be rude to him, but only talk to him if he talks to you first, that way he can't say that you are avoiding him. Besides, just because your brother is choosing to be like this, don't punish the rest of your family not seeing you and your family. Someday your brother will realize what he has done, but he will have no one to blame but himself. Take care, Nina.

Miranda

[saranbr]

Sounds like your brother hasn't matured past about four or five. We had a major issue come up with my Mom's brother and wife (unrelated to the adoption) three years ago and it is yet to be resolved-- don't think it will be. This is how we handle it-- attend all family functions except those at their home and ignore them unless spoken to by them and then answer only asked Q's. She's very agressive and nasty to many in the family/community and guess we're the first to enact a no-tolerance policy. Also, they are not invited to family functions at our home nor are they allowed in our home. Period until they right the issue. You cannot change some people and those people should not be allowed to ruin your family life.

We also have had similar issues to what your brother has done with my in-laws in regards to our adoption. However, we have no family we want anything to do with, including them, on that side so the "get it together or zero contact for you" has worked. But then again, they aren't part of an extended family we care to involve.

Best wishes with the situation, family junk can be terrible.

[Tammy2005]

Sounds like he needs to talk to someone, he is carring around alot of jealousy, I think I would stay away from him as much as possible, if that means not going to family get togethers, then so be it. If you want your son to see certain people in the family, them make dates with them when your brother isnt around. Your son should not have to listen the the crap that comes out of your brothers mouth when all he is doing is putting your son down. So sorry what you are going through, but I think you staying away from him is the right thing to do. You protecting your son is whats most important.

[Twizzlelips]

Your brother just could be badly hurt by what has happened in his life, and you just happened to be the person he let it out on..People can say very harsh things when something is just hurting their heart..

On the other hand since you said he has made some remarks about ethnic issues, you might want to weight the situation, Some of my famly also has some issues that I would call ignorant, they dislike my DH just because of where he is from. You need to find out if he has this issue...

God I pray not, I have dealt with it in my family for 17 years, and kicked alot of my family to the curb and its a real pain..they do not even have my phone number, If he does have this type of view then you just have to do what is best for your family and do not worry about what other people think.

This type of situation is very hard, only you can weigh the situation and find out what your brothers beliefs are...

I wish you the very best, I know its your brother and family can hurt you the most, but do whats best for you. You are not selfish..if you choose him not to be around your family..

For me and this is me I know which of my family has ethnic issues so they are out of my life and they heard it come from my mouth and they also heard me call them ignorant, they know when I send invitations out they do not get one christmas gathers nope they cannot come, my aunt once told my mom God Katrina still holding that against me its been 10 years and asked my mom for pics of my kids and she flat out said if she wanted you to have them then she would give you some.....but I tell you this I cannot forgive her comments they where just so mean and I know I am not a very forgiving person in that area

[tooskis]

It sounds like we have the same family! The ol' "just ignore your brother" routine!! My parents say it to me and my sister all the time. Fortunately, I was much younger than my brother and I didn't get the brunt of his crap. My sister, on the other hand, has gone to therapy for years due to his antics. Her therapist covered this issue specifically and told her - if you are most healthy being away from your brother, then don't subject yourself to him. Stay away from functions he attends if emotionally you can not be around him. If your family doesn't understand your decision, so be it.

As for me, we are still waiting for our son to come home so it is easy right now to suck it up and go to family functions and ignore my brother. I imagine, however, that once my son is here, it will be a different situation. What if your son hears your brother saying these things later on? I'm sure your brother will probably have more to say given the opportunity. It sounds like he is jealous and the only way to make himself feel better is to say hurtful things to you so that YOU know he is superior. You do NOT have to "take one for the team" and attend functions if it creates an unhealthy situation for you and your family. You have boundaries and he crossed them. Don't subject yourself to his bull and try not to feel too much guilt in doing what is best for you. If your other family members want to see your son, then they will visit you or you can invite them over. Until your brother makes amends, do what you feel is best.

It's sad, but this happens in families. Family is the only thing in life you don't get to pick!

[dsepme]

Are we related? Are you sure? Do we have the same brother?

We have the luxury of geography setting us apart from all the hatred and drama which it doesn't sound like you have. The attitude DH and I have taken is, "We clearly don't believe that blood makes a family which is why we chose adoption over biology. LOVE makes a family." I don't have room or time in my life for toxic people - and that also goes for the people I was unfortunate enough to be born into having to associate with.

We do not enable toxic behavior in this casa. We don't go to family reunions, celebrations, holidays, etc. just to walk away frustrated, mad, and upset. You are NOT out of line for not going - you are doing the right thing. What does Andrew have to gain at his age by attending family gatherings? He needs YOU and nobody else really (your husband, too!). Extended family is meant to support YOU as a parent, and a side benefit is a relationship with a nephew / grandchild under your terms. If they are not being supportive, then why subject yourselves and Andrew to the drama? They are coming down on you not because Andrew is missing out... it's because they are. He doesn't know any different... he eats, poops, walks, babbles, and stays cute! Do you really think he's sitting in his pack and play agonizing over missing out on a family reunion?

What else you should be doing... creating meaningful relationships outside of your bio family that you can rely on. The only time I miss having that "family obligatory relationship" is when I am sick as a dog and need some help with the kids, or could use a break for an evening out.

I haven't written my family off completely... just the ones that are truly awful (your brother, based on what you described, would meet that requirement for me until he seriously apologized and recanted and CHANGED permanently!). But I keep my family at a safe distance. And I confront them johnny on the spot when they are out of line. I know their actions around me are no longer genuine, but are censored and in some cases rehearsed, so it just makes an honest relationship too frustrating.

It's all worth it to me, though!

[Larue]

Okay...okay...Laura calm down. First your brother is an immature, self-centered, blankity…blank. Something I really can't say on the Forum without being censored. But the first word has to do with a donkey, and the second word is slang for buttock. Sibling rivalry. Whatever! What is he….10?! Grow the h…e….double fiddle sticks up! His behavior is a little something I call emotional abuse.

And that fact that your family has tolerated his behavior and outbursts towards you, and his racist comments towards your son...is absolutely mind boggling. I'd pop him in the mouth. Okay, I know violence isn’t the answer. So, here’s what I suggest. Tell your brother that you WILL NOT under any circumstances put up with his behavior anymore. And if he continues…he is out of your life. And let your family know it too. Protect your child. Whatever the cost! And if that doesn't work, have your DH pop him in the mouth.

I really hope things improve for you. You're in my prayers and thoughts!

[posh]

I would advise also to go to the reunion but stay away from him. No point in you and your family missing out on such a wonderful event just because of one hmmm not so nice person there. You don't have to be near him. If he walks up to you simply walk away. I was on the outs with a brother of mine for many years and it hurt bad and I missed seeing his children grow up. It is a very sad situation to say the least but don't allow him to win like that. Be with your family. You never know when you won't have them around ever again and life is way too short to not spend time with them.

[PetersMom]

At the risk of sounding like Dr. Laura, since you asked for honest opinions, the fact that your family is tolerating your brother's behavior and will not protect your son from him and in addition, wants you to risk your son so that your "adult" brother won't be upset is IMO, nothing short of evil. If they want to keep enabling him, then your son is not safe from them either. I would keep my distance from all of them and perhaps he will start to turn on them since you won't be there and they will stop tolerating him.

[mommytoEli]

If you choose to be around him, I would get the child a sitter. I keep reading so many bad brother and b-i-l stories here.....everyone has to have at least 1 dysfunctional member, right? Well, my b-i-l is an *** and so is my brother. B-i-l only gets to be around my children in our presence. If the kids are at m-i-l's....he can not go over and visit...unless we are there. And my kids do not get to be around my brother.....period. It took several really stupid comments and many long talks trying to explain why they can't say them.....before we decided on limited or no contact....depending on the brother. The bottom line is, while we may decide to be around them b/c they are our siblings, blah blah blah.... there is no reason to expose young children to such hatred. I can not imagine trying to explain to my soon to be 3 year old why his uncles do not think he is really a part of this family. (By the way....grandparents have been really supportive of our decision and even lecture and try to explain to the brothers that their actions/words are inappropriate.) Right now, protecting my children is number 1. And sometimes that means grandparents don't get to see kids.....or they must come to our house to do it. But for us, this is the best thing for our children right now. If things change, then we may change the way we do things. It is my opinion, that if I just chose to ignore my brother and b-i-l's behavior, that I would be saying to my children that I agree with what the uncles are saying and doing. There are consequences for actions. And in this case, my brother and b-i-l are choosing via their actions to not be a huge part of our lives. (((A little ironic side note.....b-i-l and his wife have been trying to have a baby for 2 or 3 years now with no luck....his wife is open to adoption, but he only believes in "blood babies" (his words) so his family line can be continued.....um....maybe something or someone is trying to make sure that this family line takes a little detour!!!!)))

[afl]

I absolutely would not expose my child to that. If there's any chance he'll go on one of those verbal tirades and say those horrible things in front of your son, not worth the risk. I would stay away and the rest of the family can just be po'd if they want. Horrible.

[nattyloo]

Ditto! Your job is to protect your son from this evil- protecting yourself is included in that because if you are emotional and senstive, you can be absorbed in your own family like you want to! I'm sorry you are going through all of this!

Originally Posted by PetersMom

At the risk of sounding like Dr. Laura, since you asked for honest opinions, the fact that your family is tolerating your brother's behavior and will not protect your son from him and in addition, wants you to risk your son so that your "adult" brother won't be upset is IMO, nothing short of evil. If they want to keep enabling him, then your son is not safe from them either. I would keep my distance from all of them and perhaps he will start to turn on them since you won't be there and they will stop tolerating him.

[Mandy4President]

I have people who are horrible in my family also (doesn't everyone have at least one?) One of mine happens to be my mother. She was verbally and emotionally abusive, among other things (but those two hurt the worst) and eventually I had enough. I have not talked to her in almost 10 years, and I cannot tell you what good it has done my heart. I have a really hard time believing that people like that ever change, especially without wanting to and getting professional help. And lets face it, they think they're right, so unless a little lightbulb goes off they are not going to get the help they need. Bottom line is I could not take her anymore and there was no reason for me to. I firmly DO NOT believe that family should be loved and forgiven at all costs. Some people do things that are unforgivable. If this brother is making you feel this way he is not worth your time. It maybe hard to cut ties with him at first, but trust me, when you see what a normal day is without dealing with his dramatics you will realize what a good decision you made. As far as the family functions go, you could try it both ways (going and ignoring and not going) and see what works best. If your family is not going to be supportive and tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable, then they're opinion should not matter. After all, they're willing to give you their opinion on what you're doing (ie. you should be going to the family reunions) but not willing to tell him he's being a donkey's butt? (worse than an ***, the behind of one) I hope this works out for you. I've had family ruin happy times of my life all of my life, and it's not fair to those of us who are subjected to stupid people like that.

Down with the stupid people!!

Take care. PM me if you want to vent.