[amymole36]

My dad and I have no idea who to ask for help or where to turn and everyone on this forum always have such good ideas, so here goes... I'll make the story short...My Uncle (my mom's bro.)is an alcoholic...he was a functioning one...with a job, apartment, etc...until this past week. He lost his job and we found out that he hasn't been paying any of his bills and is soon to be homeless. He doesn't have any family except us and we're not sure what to do from here.

Anyone with ideas on who to talk to, where to turn? If he does decide he wants to get "clean"...don't know if that's what you call it. Who do we call??? What should we do?

Thanks for the advice and the prayers!!! This has been such a stressful week!!!

Amy

[TLC]

I would locate an Alcoholics Anonymous group asap.
They can offer support and resources for the alcoholic.
There is also a support group for family members called-
Al-Anon.

You should be able o find it in the yellow pages,
TLC

[posh]

I think the big question is...is he ready to stop drinking? If he isn't there isn't alot you can do except pray for him. No one can force someone to get sober. It is very sad to see the ones we love go thru these things. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[kcbailey777]

Alcoholics Anonymous can lead you in the right direction.

You might want to consider looking into having an intervention. It is when friends and family get together and tell the alcoholic how there behavior is effecting everyone else. Before you begin you have a treatment facility waiting so he can go strait into treatment if he chooses. You will need a professional to lead the meeting.

I pray you will find the help you need.

Lisa

[lionbird]

I would normally PM this, but you have had the courage to write it so all can see and I will respond in kind.


I am a social worker and have worked for years in addiction treatment...here is my experience..

1. Do not do anything FOR him.

2. Get support for yourself in doing nothing for him.
It will be one of the hardest things you will do in your life.
Know that if he does not have to deal with the entirety of the consequences of his choices, he will repeat those choices over and over.

3. IF he asks for help.. IF he asks for a place to stay.. Set a limit... for example: I will put you up in a motel for one week only. DO NOT give him cash. You may want to do some research on treatment centers in your area...IF he asks for help give him the info on treatment centers, if he is indeed alcoholic and physically dependant...IF he desires to stop drinking, most hospitals have detox units. Alcoholics Anonymous is a good resource for people who WANT to stop drinking, not so much for anyone else.

There is a great book called "Freeing Someone You Love from Alcohol and Drugs". I think you can get it on those internet bookstores. It will support you and give you information about addiction.

His best chance at turning his life around lies in his absolute experience of the consequences of his actions.

I wish you the best in this difficult time.

[LCG]

amy I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you mentioned previously that your mom recently passed away?? I'm sure that makes this so much harder as it is her brother and she is not here, you might feel you have to help for her??

I have several members of my extended family that I would consider functional alcoholics and a few that have crossed the line and aren't so functional. I totally agree with everything lionbird said. It is so hard but it is true. Excellent advice, its just hard to follow when you want to do something.

lionbird, I have never heard of that book, I think I will get it. Thank you for posting that excellent advice.

amy that was brave of you to post this and try and get info. So many people deal with this issue

we'll be praying for you
Laura

[Twizzlelips]

Awww that is hard, I can relate with you. My father is a recovering Alcoholic. It was so hard... I was very hard on my dad that straightened him out..

He had lost his car and he would take my moms last dollar to drink, my dad drank them to the poor house he spent most of his days in a bar.

When I left home which it was under 18, I was a waitress put myself through collage to be an accountant..DH was my roommate when I was 16, he was one of my customers I waited on. My DH never met my dad. AT 16 I cut him off, I would not go see him and if he showed up on my doorstep which he never did because he knew I would not let him come in.. He was like this for 7 years.

He missed my wedding and anything else a young woman does, I wanted nothing to do with him...that drinking and the smell is so nasty.. When he figured out I had my first kid He wanted so badly to see my kid and I refused..I simply told him, He was not going to be anywhere near my kid smelling or drinking because he couldnt handle the drink..
Then when it sunk in he Hightailed his hinny to AA meetings and threw the bottles down and I still would not let him arround until, one day he came crying to me of how sorry he was, I had already forgiven him he was my dad but still I knew what drinking does to a person and if I gave him a buck he would go buy beer..

He missed 3 years of my first kids life while he got his in order.. and one year of my 2nd childs..

There is hope my dad has not been drinking, and I am so proud of him for 9 years..but I was really harsh with my dad I basicly cut him out of my life from 15 1/2 until I was 23..
and yes It was so hard I felt bad for him but I wanted a life that was alcohol free.
Now he works for me and the best employee I have, about 2 years ago he bought a house..He is an excellent man and I knew that, and now he knows it to..

when he looks back at how hard I was on him, he does not blame me.
He understands why...

As one poster said No cash, If you give them 5 dollars they will buy a pack of cigs and beer or just beer, they skip eating just for the beer..

She is right if you help like that the depend on it and its supporting the habit the person will look for you when they need more drinks and tell you they need food or such..

Its very hard you cannot help them unless they help themselves, and even when they start the process there is a limit...My dad still has Limits with me eventhough he has been clean of acohol for several years...

If you need someone just to chat with PM me, it is so hard to live with Acoholism

[shelbydog]

I must absolutely disagree. Get him help, immediately. Not to scare you, but this sounds like my Father in Law, who eventually did commit suicide after losing his job, income, money, and was living in a motel room. It was very, very sad and our families kind of had the "he has to change for himself and want to change" but he couldn't. He was so depressed. I highly recommend some kind of intervention. I'm sorry to scare you but I felt I had to post. Don't ever give up on him, not that we did but hindsight is always 20/20 and we could have done more. Good luck.

[lionbird]

Ultimately Amymole..you have to do what you can live with. There are going to be varying opinions, seek help from a professional... search in the phone book under social workers or therapists. If you have health insurance, most plans have an EAP (employee assistance program) or something similar..reach out. So many do not reach out because they feel ashamed...no shame in recognizing when you need some guidance.

My experience is that not everyone gets clean/sober and changes their lives..sometimes they do die. It is sad and very difficult to comprehend. I have attended far too many funerals for people who weren't willing to change the way they lived. Addiction is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease..far more powerful than you and unfortunately your uncle. It is my experience that sometimes, inspite of the intervention of many, many concerned people..the addict/alcoholic can't find the desire within themselves to really make a change. That is the most frustrating part..when you can see potential and they cannot fathom it.

Pray for him, and for yourself to understand what the right thing is for you to do.

If I can help in anyway..please let me know.

[BRIANANDMARCIE]

As a nurse on a chemical dependency unit, I detox and counsel patients and family members everyday and I have to tell you that I agree with Lionbird 100%. Tough love is the only way. People have to hit rock bottom sometimes before they change their ways and sometimes even that doesn't work. If your uncle wants to get sober, and that is the key (he has to want to do it), he must go into a detox unit at a hospital to safely get off the ETOH or he could have seizures and die. Sorry to say it so harshly, but it is true. People can die from ETOH detox if not medicated properly. After detox, he could go to an intensive outpatient program (IOP) or an inpatient program, but of course he has to have money or insurance for that. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. If you have any questions or need any help, please let me know.

[Michelle Smiles]

I've also done addictions counseling and agree with lionbird. No one is saying you should turn your back on him...but you can't do it for him. And as Marcie said, detox is important - withdrawal can be harsh and scary (as well as lifethreatening). You've been offered good advice from both of them. Just remember - as much as you want to help, he has to do the work, you can only lend support.

[cmfayz]

Amy-

I really don't have any advice to add. I just want to say that I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it is to have someone you care about struggle with addiction. You are in my thoughts.

[Ben'sMom]

I'd agree with others that you uncle has to want help. But I'd say that you should make sure that he knows how to get that help. The advice of lionbird and Marcie is right on. My father is an alcoholic, a non-functioning heavy drinker for as long as I can remember. I never thought that he would ever stop drinking. His health was deteriorating so badly. He happened to be at the hospital for a test and he was shaking so badly that the nurse said that he was already going thru withdrawls (hadn't drank in 12 hours). The nurse asked my father if he wanted to stop drinking and if he wanted help getting thru the withdrawls. Amazingly he said yes! He spend the next 16 days on a ventilator because the medication he needed to get thru the detox was so strong, he could have stopped breathing. He spend about 1 mth. in the hospital. The hospital offers social workers and psych evaluation before discharge - everyone was so helpful and compasionate. He's still physically recouping and is unable to start outpatient treatment until he is physically well. But he hasn't drank and that is truly amazing for this man.

If that nurse had not asked my father - I don't think he would have asked himself. None of us in the family had any idea that my father needed medical help to stop drinking. I knew people did for drugs, but I guess that's part of the denial...

So my advice to you is to educate yourself about alcoholism and the methods of detox and treatment. Then let your uncle know his options. Walking into a hospital and asking for help is the easiest one. Tell your uncle he won't be the only one there going thru it. The CCU was half full of people just like my dad.

[apb]

Al-Anon is the best possible thing for you to do for yourself. you can find meetings on line--they are everywhere, every day, at all times. you will meet fantastic people who really understand what you and your family are going thru. Give it a try--you won't be sorry.

[MaryCaryne]

Having worked with wives of addicts (of all kinds) for over 5 years now, one thing that I've learned is that they have to want help in order to be helped. You can't make the choices for him...he needs to be the one to do the work and to make the choices...otherwise he's going to think that he can do whatever he wants, because someone will always be there to pick up the pieces and do the hard stuff for him. And this isn't just with alocholism...this is also with ANY addiction. The addict must be the one who chooses recovery and does the work for recovery. That's not to say you can't lead him in the right direction...doing your research on what kind of help is out there for him is great...but let him be the one to ask. Doing the research, presenting it to him, etc, will do nothing until he is ready to accept it. But have it ready for him when he is ready to ask for it. It's REALLY hard because you do see what's wrong and right and you want him to choose right...but the key is that *he* has to choose it. A person can't know right from wrong if someone else is doing all the work for them. Sometimes tough love is really what's necessary because when they hit rock bottom, the only direction they have left to go is back up again.

And I most definitely agree to see support for yourself (and your family should as well). It's hard enough to watch someone go through this, but there are others who can travel this journey with you.