[saranbr]

So DH and I are discussing our second adoption and debating whether we ought to pursue a referral of a child older or younger than our daughter (13 mos now). I'm quite familiar with the potential attachment issues but would appreciate input/advice from you all around other issues like interupting birth order and having an age difference possibly less than the biological norm of 9+ months.

Neither of us feel a need to have another infant and I know there are many toddler and older children that need homes, but we've had a number of "warnings" about interupting birth order, etc. In fact, one agency we spoke to flatly refuses to place a child unless he/she is at least 9 months younger than the youngest in the home. We would probably choose a 3-4 year old.

Thankyou in advance! Sara

[lifessence]

hi,

first of all - i would not work with an agency that told me you can't adopt a child older than the one in our home already.

children all need the same thing - attention and love - no matter what the birth order is.

we have a soon to be 12 & 4 year old bio daughters - as you can see below we are adopting a 2.5 year old and 5 month old - not biological brothers.

there will be a time of adjustment for everyone when you bring home a new child no matter their age. the toddler will need to feel the same love you give your child already home - just like you would want to give a baby.

please know i'm saying all of this from my own personal experience as a mother and tons of research before entering into adoption at all and of a toddler.

to say a child won't thrive or will have problems because they have been their first is kind of like saying they are equal to a dog or animal - pecking order??? we are not territorial creatures - we are creatures of comfort and habit - you as the loving mother will make any child comfortable and welcome in your home. how you treat them determines how well they will accept the new member of the family.

wishing you peace and joy in the decision to adopt again.

i do hope you will consider adopting a toddler - the blessings outweigh all the things "claimed to be missed". the gain is so much more right away - for all the mothers waiting to bring their children home and feel like they are missing so much because of being caught in PGN or the system - yes it is moments you can never get back. your child will have more first with you then you can keep track of no matter what age they are. it is a whole new world to them - with love, safety, food, water and a bed all their own, most times their own room for the first time, think of all the things that will you will experience together through their eyes. Not to mention they will be able to say Mom sooner and Dad - to tell you thank you for your love and the sweetest words you will ever want to hear "I love you!" You don't get those with a baby - you get them with a toddler!

Good luck!

[annelisa]

I have a friend who adopted out of birth order and it has not been a real good experience...........she would never do it again. With all that I have read and heard, it doesn't seem to work well. Since you don't feel the need to do the infant thing again, have you considered being referred a child about a year old? By the time you would get him/her home, they would be more in the toddler stage??? Just a thought........
Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.......

[ManyTimesBlessed]

When we started looking into adopting Lillian (age 7), we wondered about disrupting birth order. Our SW said that if we were going to do it, then this was the time because Jayden would still be so young. I got the impression that if he was, say, 4 and we were adding a 7 year old that it might be more difficult. I would think that the same thing would apply since your little girl is still so young.

We are anticipating some difficulties because our daughter has been in the orphanage for 5 years and has special needs, but we really don't feel like disrupting birth order will be a problem because Jayden won't ever remember being the oldest child.

Good luck with this decision.

[mommytoEli]

Well, for several months we fostered a 4 year old girl, when our son was 2. It was a nightmare and I decided then and there to not fight the birth order. I had not thought about all of things Ethan was used to doing "his way" and now all of a sudden had to do "B's way" b/c in the family where she had come from she was used to being the oldest and so she felt comfortable being in power....and so did Ethan(as his siblings are about 10 yo than he is so he basically functions as an only/older child since they are so far apart). CLASH! Ethan went from playing nicely by himself or with same age friends nicely to being told by his new older sister HOW to play and WHAT to play....and it bothered him. My solution was to enroll the 4 y.o. in part day daycare and to alternate nap times with the 2 kids so that they were not together too much. That made it better, but any time they were together was just horrible. We also fostered a little baby, and during that time, Ethan was fine. He loved to help with the baby, hold him, feed him, "play" with him. He was very loving and brotherly. For OUR family, it just did not work to add a child older than one in our home already, but every family is different and I acknowledge that it will work for some....but I do not think it is just about being or not being a good parent....I think it will also depend on the temperament of each of the children. Good luck.

[kacmom1]

I have a friend who has 5 bio kids. They adopted a little girl, a year or so older than their youngest bio child. Everything was fine. They then adopted a little boy, younger than all of the kids. The 2 adopted kids were siblings, just adopted at different times. AND THEN....a 15 year old bio sibling contacted the family and they adopted her. She is a year or so older than the oldest bio child. Everything seems fine. They just had to prepare their family and explain to them the needs of these adopted children. They all seem very well adjusted and they all get along well. The adopted kids were welcomed into the family.

Good luck. With a little love, a lot of patience and lots of communication between your children, I think you can make it work!

[cbpwife]

I also have a friend who adopted out of birthorder - older children, not preschoolers though, and it was not a pleasant experience at all.

[Aleea]

You may want to pm Marjorie, her screen name is Moelladeville. She has 2 young children from Guat, I belive ages 2 and 3 or thereabout and just brought home a 7 yo girl also from Guat.
A

[annaguat]

We did 6 adoptions and that is the only thing I would never do again. It remains hard eventhough it has been years. Can you wait till your child is older and then do another adoption of an older child? If you proceed I wish you a good experience. "Older" children deserve and need homes too and are also a blessing. It is just very hard with the birth order thing. Anna

[annaguat]

So true. I agree fully that temprament of the children in the home and the ones coming in will affect it more then any parenting. Anna

Originally Posted by mommytoEli&Ethan

Well, for several months we fostered a 4 year old girl, when our son was 2. It was a nightmare and I decided then and there to not fight the birth order. I had not thought about all of things Ethan was used to doing "his way" and now all of a sudden had to do "B's way" b/c in the family where she had come from she was used to being the oldest and so she felt comfortable being in power....and so did Ethan(as his siblings are about 10 yo than he is so he basically functions as an only/older child since they are so far apart). CLASH! Ethan went from playing nicely by himself or with same age friends nicely to being told by his new older sister HOW to play and WHAT to play....and it bothered him. My solution was to enroll the 4 y.o. in part day daycare and to alternate nap times with the 2 kids so that they were not together too much. That made it better, but any time they were together was just horrible. We also fostered a little baby, and during that time, Ethan was fine. He loved to help with the baby, hold him, feed him, "play" with him. He was very loving and brotherly. For OUR family, it just did not work to add a child older than one in our home already, but every family is different and I acknowledge that it will work for some....but I do not think it is just about being or not being a good parent....I think it will also depend on the temperament of each of the children. Good luck.

[saranbr]

Thankyou all for you input...