[tonyy]

I have a friend who also has two children she adopted when they were infants. Today at preschool one of the mothers asked her if she was going to send her daughter to kindergarten. My friend replied, "Yes", she has a June birthday and I feel she is ready." The other mother replied, - "Well the best gift you can give a child is the gift of time, - AND SINCE SHE IS ADOPTED SHE NEEDS MORE TIME...."!!!!

Excuse me, but number one it is none of her business what my friend does w/ her child (it is the "big trend" in this area to hold you child back for kindergarten until they are at least 6) AND #2 what does she mean "SINCE SHE IS ADOPTED SHE NEEDs MORE TIME"!

UGH! Why do people think they can give you advise even when you don't ask?

I am sure I will get this comment down the road soon, - so any advise on how to answer someone like this, is appreciated

[Carlee1boy]

Our biological son has a June 28th birthday. Due to various reasons, we just made the decision to wait another year before he begins kindergarten.

Adopted, Schmadopted--that has nothing to do with anything!!!

And besides, I would hate someone butting in with such advice. People love to put in their two cents don't they? Sheesh!

Carolyn

[LucyLuMyLuv]

While I agree with the waiting until age 6 to start kindergarten, it has NOTHING to do with being adopted! I have 2 sons with August and June birthdays and started them at age 5 because I too knew they were ready. They were in some ways, but once they got to grade 4 they really had to work hard at keeping up. My 3rd son on the other hand has a late birthday and was required to wait until he was 6 to start. It was then that I realized I had made a big mistake with the first 2 and wished I had waited another year. My first daughter I went ahead and started at age 5 making the mistake of thinking that since she was in a district pre-k she would be OK, and again she has to work harder than the second daughter who started at age 6. So once again I am kicking myself. If I had to do it all over again I would definitely wait the extra year. Kindergarten is a lot different now then when we went, some even at age 4!

[saranbr]

Agree-- it's none of her business! To keep the kid back or not is not her business either and a totally separate issue anyway. I've had the most luck pushing people like that to explain themselves-- they always end up looking foolish and rarely cross you again. We attend a rather conservative church which I like on the whole, but initially had some issues with the other women and the fact that I work outside the home and why we didn't have kids right away. Well, I was upfront and direct with them and they now have a level of respect and think twice before expressing those sorts of opinions.

[jaymo]

Ok, so I am WAY not nice to people when they have not nice things to say or are butt-inskies so I would probably say somthing to the effect of, "well, obviously, you skipped kindergarten because when I was in K-garten we learned that it isn't nice to talk about other people." --- or something else witty, said, of course with a smile

Hopefully you won't have to hear any of these comments, just remember that people, in general, aren't very bright and most don't mean to be hurtful, they just are ....
Maura.

[LCG]

I think I would respond by asking the person why they feel they are qualified to make such a statement. Either they are some kind of educational developmental specialist capable of performing a lightening speed subjective assessment on each child they come in contact with or they simply are speaking out of place without adequate education on the issue to make an intelligent comment about it.

Every child is different and the decision whether to hold a child back from the states guidelines as to when to start school should be an individual decision. I personally feel too many people are holding kids back, in hopes of giving them an advantage over others so they will be the older vs. younger. I think this creates a false reality and it really doesn't work. There are some kids who are held back and do very well, there are others that are held back that clearly shouldn't be and therefore do not excel, they in fact do the opposite of what the intent was. Some kids do better when pushed, others don't. School is not a competition it is for personal development. My personal opinion is that state guidelines should be followed with exceptions that are supported by subjective and objective measures, not personal opinions, that being said--I can't imagine how whether or not a child was adopted at infancy would even factor in. If a child has met the criteria for four year old preschool they should go on. I don't remember ever being taught that children adopted at infancy should be held back on that issue alone, but maybe I missed that day.

[BARBTFNJ]

I was given that same exact "speech" by people at my daughter's preschool. Her birthday is August 23rd. Well, I didn't listen and she has done wonderfully in Kindergarten so I feel a mother has to go with her instinct and not listen to foolish people who talk out of there you know what.....just my opinion!!

[doghouse]

"The truth is somewhere in between".

I, too, am a firm believer of giving a child the extra time.

My hubby and I were just barely 5 when we started kindergarten. We both were too immature in college and had to repeat our Sophomore years.

Being academically ready is one thing but it only takes time to emotionally mature. The extra time is a gift only the parent can give.

And, paying for one more year of pre-school or daycare is a whole lot less expensive than paying for an extra year of college down the road. Many parents send their children to kindergarten before they are ready in order to save money. Don't you think it is better for the child's self esteem to be at the top of his class than struggling at the bottom? Very sad, don't you think?

[lionbird]

My response would simply have been, "what do you mean by that?" and then watch her squirm.

[Mariais5]

I'm with lionbird ~ "What do you mean?"

Maybe she knows of someone else who adopted and had a child that was delayed and associates that with all adopted children. Maybe she read somewhere that adopted children have delays. Maybe she's just a busybody that thinks she is all knowing....

We had some work done on our house the other day. One of the carpenters was playing with Bryce and asked about her. After telling him she was adopted from Guatemala, he asked, "What happened to her REAL Mom?" I had to quickly evaluate the situation. He had just been telling me how beautiful Bryce is and how wonderful it was that she was in our home, so I quickly explained about the poverty in Guatemala and left it at that because I knew he wasn't trying to insinuate that I wasn't her Mom. I could have said, "I am her real Mom." and probably should have, but I tend to think of these things later!

You will be faced with statements like that which feel cold and callous. For me, I try to understand where the person is coming from. So, asking what they mean could open a door for you to enlighten them and change their perspective about adoption, or give a short answer to drop the subject, or it could show you that they really are just a jerk with no understanding or feelings....

[mommytoEli]

Well, hopefully you will never encounter SUCH an ignorant statement. What nerve to believe that since a child is adopted they would not be ready to begin Kindergarten!!!

[lionbird]

In a situation like MARIAIS5 with the construction worker..that seems like an opportunity to educate...her "real" mom.. I may say, "oh you mean her birthmom?" I have found that lots of people just don't have any idea how to talk about adoption. I nagivate my life more smoothly when I assume other people are ignorant instead of stupid... I say this now...but in a pinch who knows what I would say!

[wvamom]

I think it should be up to the parent to decide whether to keep a child out of school an extra year--not up to another preschool parent. And to make assumptions about children because they are adopted--I just hate that!

I hope that my response would be, "Well, thank you for your advice. I'll certainly take that into consideration." (And I would try to keep the sarcasm out of my voice when I say it). At least, that would shut down the other person. What I would feel like saying is, maybe you should go ahead and send your child to kindergarten so he/she can learn some manners from someone else, since he/she won't learn them from you!

But then again, that kind of comment is totally unhelpful, and I would regret it later on.

Some people just have "diarrhea of the mouth" as Bassette once said.

Carolyn

[allido]

"the best gift you can give a child is the gift of time, - AND SINCE SHE IS ADOPTED SHE NEEDS MORE TIME...."!!!!

I would have responded, "and apparently, some grown-ups STILL need that 'gift of time' to think before they speak and say something obnoxious and prejudiced!" OR "Yes, we do need more time- to deal with ignorant comments like that!" [I can write the smacktalk now- we'll see what happens when I'm out there among the idiots with my daughter!- Just wanted to lend support.]