[jennifervan]

Hello out there!
I was just wondering how you all were hanging in there.
There is not much new in our case- we are still in investigation.

However, I am growing in my relationship with God in the past week or so in dealing with this adoption process.
I just wanted to share and if you do not want to read this that is o.k. with me. Also, it is a very hard lesson to learn and it is something I know that has been true for me in my heart...I am not trying to teach anyone else in this long hard situation but I wanted to share what has given me peace and some joy:

I have struggled with the past two years of bad news in adoption/miscarraiges/and the death of Tobie.
Here is what my pain looked like-

Strong desire to have a child-> Failures-> God why?-> Try to make it happen with all of my energy-> Failure-> Trying not to put the desire for child above God in my life-> Taking time to realize the blessings in the family I do have in my life-> Still uncontent so asking God to take my desire for more children away-> Trying to figure out if my desire for another child a "good" desire-> During all of this years of continued failure in pregnancies and adoption

I guess at the heart of it all I felt "God, I know me better than you and I know what I need, You are incompetant in finishing this adoption, The baby needs to be home now, I thought you loved me, I thought you were all powerful, Can't you see how much pain I am in? If you loved me you would not make us suffer (me, my family, the baby) ETC.". I did not realize it but slowly over time, even though I did not know that this was happening- I started to doubt God, his love for me, and his ability to handle the adoption. I started to think that I knew better than him and he was making a mistake.

I met with my pastor's wife the other night and graciously throught two hours of conversation we started to work through this to get to the point were I realized that I have the sin of pride in this. I think I know better than God. I think he is making a mistake. I think he can't handle all the problems in my case over there....It is amazing that I finally have peace in just discovering this. Just in realizing that my faith in God was wavering. I broke the cycle of my pain and I actually have joy. I am learning that He does love me and He does have a plan but I have to trust that he is truly able. IF I truely THINK HE IS OMNIPOTENT and LOVING than I HAVE TO SUBMIT TO HIM AND BE HUMBLE IN THIS and not just say but BELIEVE and have FAITH that that He is in control and His hand is in this adoption.
I know it will not be easy and I will still be frustrated in this but I do feel closer to Him. I have a desire to read His word more and I can actually stand in church and sing the praise song "God is good all the time".

As always, that was extremely LONG.

We got an update from our agency saying something about a report from a judge being due on tuesday? It was a very short and confusing message...I guess we will see what happens Tuesday.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING. You are all in my thoughts and prayers and I am not just saying that. I will be praying for all of us that we will continue to have peace in our hearts and that awful pangs of anxiety and sadness will go away.

Jennifer

[jpeel99]

I think that's wonderful insite. All you have is the present. You can not live in the pain of the past or the hope of the future. You will lose precious days in the present and ignore all the beauty of life by doing that.

[delaware1]

The news has been soooo slow lately. Hoping the platinum folks get reason to celebrate this week.
-Kathleen

[my2guats]

Amen sister you couldn't have said it any better.

[Aryanna]

We are still waiting for news today. The bio mom has to go to the orphanage this week to "re-claim" Aryanna. We are hoping that she still wants to go through with the adoption as she says she does. My heart really goes out to her and all she has done to try and fix this messy case. I am hoping Ary will be back into her foster home this week.
One interesting thing I did find out...The pgn investigation lawyer who decided to take Aryanna out of her foster home last week and put her in the orphanage, get a comission through the placement into the orphanage. I really thought this stuff didn't happen there!!
Jennifer you said it best in your above post, I have felt the same thing. Thanks!
I hope we all hear good news. Lockharts lets see you get an OUT this week!
Kim

[caltaylor]

You are all always in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless each and every one of you and bring comfort to you on your difficult journey.

Coleen

[JohnnaMJH]

You know we will all keep praying! I wish that there would be a flurry of good news this week. I guess all we can do it hope and trust. Jennifer, your post expressed many of my thoughts and feelings after our two year wait. Thanks for taking the time to write it all out.

[LMG]

That was very well-spoken Jennifer. It is hard to find peace and comfort in this. About a month ago I had tried just giving it all to God and let him "take care of it" but lately it is hard for me to be able to do that anymore. I need to try much harder though.

No news on our case sadly. Just still waiting in PGN...going on six months now.

[jennifervan]

Kim- I will be praying for you especially this week. Yes, my heart goes out to the mother too. I will be praying for her too because of how hard this must be on her too. That is so great that she is willing to do this. I hope you get good news this week.
That PGN investigator lawyer should be ashamed of himself- with my luck that would be our investigator. However, I am learning that nothing can thwart God's plans and our babies will come home.

6 MONTHS LMG I am so sorry that you are hitting all of these dates that are so sad. I guess I am following behind you. I hope you hear something. What is going on in your case? any updates? (if you want you can pm or e-mail me)

Deleware and all thanks for all of your support for all of us long-timers

Jennifer

[apetry26]

First of all let me say that I am truely sorry that we all have to be members of a "Platinum Club". Our adoptions shouldn't be this daunting and disheartening. Everyone has ups and downs in thier cases, but some of us just can't get away from it.

Jennifer- I agree with what you said. There are many, many times that I thought God was not with me and helping me to handle the sadness and frustration that this adoption was bringing. My family was being affected by the process. I guess I was in a sense projecting my feelings onto my DH and sons. I've prayed more during this process than ever in my life. I guess you could say that I have always been blessed and took for granted that God was with me and giving all that I had wished/hoped for. Since my prayers, I have come to peace with not having any control over what happens with my case. Yes, I want my baby home yesterday. But, I know that it will happen when it's time to happen.

I just got home last night from my third visit with Arely and yet again it was soooo hard to leave. I thought, "Why does God make a mother go through this"? There are worse things of course.

I hope you continue to have peace with all that you've been through and find the strengh to continue on because your children need to you too.

For everyone else- I really, really hope we soon have our turn to annouce that our babies are coming home- WE DESERVE IT TOO!!!!

Angie

[wvamom]

Jennifer,

Even though I am not in the "platinum club" I wanted you to know that I am praying for you and for your family. Thank you for humbling yourself and sharing with us how God is working in your heart. I especially can relate to your feelings of "God, take away this desire if it is not from You," as I went through the same thing for four years when I felt that God was calling to adopt, but dh was vehemently opposed to it.

I pray that you will be able to "graduate" soon from Platinum.
Carolyn

[jennifervan]

Angie,
I am so so sorry that you had to leave your little one in Guatemala yet again. I can't imagine how you felt on that plane ride home.
I can't wait to see your post about the plane trip bringing Arely with you home. I hope that is Very soon.
JEnnifer

[mombyfaith]

Well said Jennifer!
I think of you all often and pray for you.
The not knowing is the hardest part in this process.
It wasn't until we brought Chloe home almost 2 years after starting the process and her 14 mos old that I realized I never saw the big picture like God did. I was to busy feeling sorry for myself and greiving the time that I had lost. Thank God that he was faithful even though I wasn't.
Love,
Teresa
PS: Please pray for Chloe home 4 wks on her second round of antibiotics, has had ear infections the entire time and still does along with now a sinus infection and pink eye. Poor baby she is not a happy camper these days.

[jennifervan]

Teresa,
I will pray for Chloe. Thanks for your post.
It is helpful to have your support because you certainly know what it is to wait.
Love,
Jennifer