[dyardley]

After a lot of thought, dh and I have sadly decided we need to postpone our adoption process. We have been paper chasing since Feb, and have been open with our almost 5 yr old ds about adopting a little sister for him.
Now, an unplanned job change for me, and challenges with my husband's business have led us to decide that both financial and time constraints necessitate postponing our process.
My question is, how do we explain to our ds? I am heartbroken when I picture the conversation with him. Our postponement may mean we are not able to adopt from Guatemala depending on the status of the program in 2007. We may not end up adopting at all if our situation does not resolve in the next year becuase I don't want there to be a 6-7 yr age difference in our children. What do we tell him?

[ej-momtobe]

Sorry to hear you are in this situation.

If it were me, I would just tell him straight out, then consider getting him a new puppy to take his mind on other things. (I'm biased, because we love our dog and think of him truely as a family member.)

...good luck.

[LRA]

I have always, always been totally honest and upfront with my daughter. Since a very young age she has understood the good and bad of life. I was raised sheltered and with blinders and swore to never do that to my child. She knew at a young age how babies were made and why mommy could not make anymore. Some might not agree with my approach but it works for us. As a result I have a very mature, empathetic child who just told me the other day that being popular was about having a good outlook and attitude and not your clothes or hair (did I mention she is 9??) Explain to your son what is going on and let him express his feelings, he may need to even grieve the loss of a potitential sibling. I too never wanted my children to be as far apart as I am with my other siblings (7years) but ironically my children won't be 7 years apart, they will be almost 9. I hope things work out the best for your family.

ps don't know if I would get a puppy to get his mind on other things....but then I do have 3 dogs, 2 cats a ferret and 3 foster kittens.....ok...yeah, I'd get the dog

tish

[shelbydog]

I would be honest and just explain the circumstances. I have often found that my son, now 4, understands more than I think, and can handle alot more than I ever thought he could. Sometimes when we worry most about an outcome or their feelings, they really surprise us.

I would avoid the puppy at this time. Just my honest opinion, but it doesn't sound like an ideal time for a pup, training, being up alot at night with him/her. Don't get a dog for the "wrong" reasons...puppies are alot of work and require time and dedication. Good luck and you will know when the time is right.

[auntiepippi]

I would be upfront and honest as well. It is surprising how well children adapt to new circumstances. You may be able to adopt later as your financial situation stablizes, and I would not worry about the age difference. My 10 year old son and 7 year old daughter adore my 9 month old son...

Most of your children's lives will be spent as adults in adult sibling relationships when age differences of 7-10 years probably aren't that significant... Look into the future when your son is 40 years and your daughter is 33 for instance -- not a big deal, right? I am not trying to minimize your concerns... I just feel things happen for a reason and usually they work out just fine in the end...

God bless! Donna

[mama8]

In addition to being honest with your son - keep your dream alive - there are many different adoption programs if something happens in Guatemala and if money is a concern - many are quite a bit less expensive. Additionally - remember there are many babies being born right now that will never realize the dream of a forever family. Perhaps in a while you will consider a toddler or older child adoption.

There are many different ways to grow your family by adoption and simply placing this dream on hold for a while is perfectly understandable, even to a young child.

Warm thoughts coming your way at this difficult time.

Donna

[kretzklan]

Peeking in from another board - and wanted to say that we had the EXACT same situation in 2001. Our bio son was 5/6 during our first adoption process (going to Ukraine)...in the end the process won and we had to step back and stop what we were doing. We were planning to adopt one little girl around age 2 at the time. We just told R the facts - no emotional issues - just facts. Why we were stopping (problems with the government) and what would happen next (we would just go on as a family of 3). I remember he had a few questions...which we answered - and although we were torn up by the whole thing...we tried to keep our hurt emotions away from him. We are also VERY honest with him - but children feel our emotions more than our words...I didn't want to saddle him with the "ghost" of a sister he hadn't even known - kwim?
So, didn't even think about adoption until April 2005 - through a phone call with my aunt - who has an only son that is grown. I decided we should start again..mentioned it to DH and DS (who was now 8/9) and both were on board. Seven months later we completed the adoption of a 7 year old boy and a 6 year old girl in Russia.
It was so different than what I had seen for us in 2001...but it is exactly the right time and children for our family. I could not be happier in hindsight with everything that happened...I know that easy to say from our side...but it's true.
My advice would be to be honest with the facts - and then move on and live life with your son. If/when the time is right - you'll know and maybe you'll go a whole different way or not...but whatever you do then will be right for your family!

[smooty]

two comments....

one, do not get a puppy. if anything, adopt an older dog. puppies and kids can be a nightmare. a dog's personality is much harder to judge when they are puppies.

two, my sister and i are 6 years apart. we are best friends and always have been. don't let the age difference play a factor. i am glad we are as far apart as we are. since i am older then she is, i got to teach her lots of stuff, and there was very little sibling rivalry. i think it worked out for the better.

you will know when the time is right. that is the way life works.