[Niclayson]

This post is NOT meant to be negative or to scare anyone. I just want to take a few minutes to share my experience with you...especially with those waiting or newly home.

My son Trey came home in March. He was 7 1/2 months old. He had been in an orphanage and then was moved to foster care. We visited twice and he seemed developmentally on target (I am a nurse). I did briefly read about attachment disorders in infants but was not really too concerned about this. I should have been....

Trey came home under the worst of circumstances. He was ill with an upper respiratory infection and required surgery for a tumor on his back. He was terrified and fearful. He has been home 9 weeks and has slept thru the night ONCE. The rest of the time he is up several times a night. He initially drank 55 ounces of formula/day!!! His comfort was food. He could not sit up when we got him but can now sit, crawl, stand, and cruise. Up until 2 days ago he whined CONSTANTLY. I was ready to throw either myself or the child or both off a cliff.

The attachment forum here is wonderful. I have actively been practicing attachment parenting and it is working. The past 2 days he has been a happy, smily guy. He kissed me today.

I simply wanted to encourage you all to really read up on attachment parenting while you have time and not when you are overwhelmed with the new child whining 24/7. I expected things to be difficult...but I did not expect it too be as bad as it was. I have a close friend who is also experiencing this with her newly adopted infant.

I also wanted to share so that if others are going through this difficult type of transition...you can know I am here to talk.

[jennifervan]

Thank you for sharing this Natalie. I am sure that must have been extremely hard. Thank you for making yourself availible to us for help. I am so glad that the past couple of days things have been going well.
Jennifer

[Niclayson]

Thanks Jennifer.

I just re-read my post and saw that I had not really described the rest of his behaviors. In addition to whining, crying, frequent night wakefulness...Trey also hit, bit, and kicked myself and my husband. He screamed if we left the room, screamed to be picked up and then screamed to get back down. NOTHING made this child happy and relaxed. This has been an incredibly draining experience for my other children. Just last week my 12 year old asked "Will he ever like us Mom?" She was holding Trey and crying! It was painful to watch.

[coachmom]

Natalie-I will be praying for you!!! I have a velcro kid myself and I know how draining it is!! I am soo sorry you are going through this and am glad to see progress has been made.. WE are here to pray for you..If you want to post something on the prayer thread, we would all be glad to smother you with prayer!
(((HUGS)))
Doretta

[Larue]

Natalie - I don't doubt that Trey will eventually heal and overcome his first 7 1/2 months and learn to trust in you completely. With a mother like you behind him. You're amazing and strong!

If I end up facing similar issues -- I will seek out your advice. I'll say a prayer for you tonight. God bless you!

[csw]

Hi
He is greiving. He has been through alot. Our daughter did the same thing..for at least 6 months. She whined almost constantly... when she wasn't crying. I carried her for up to 6 hours a day or more in a sling. If I even turned my back to her she would cry. I had to have her on my lap when I was going to the bathroom. When I took a shower I would have the curtain open so she would see me and she would still cry the whole time I was in there..took her 6 months to take a nap more than 5-10 min. She had night terrors, in addition to being up every 15 min at night..I would go up to 3 days without a shower. My husband didn't take even 1 day off from work to help me. She also had a horrendous time with teething. She was also very malnourished and on 5 bottles at night..

Then, when things were finally getting better and she started taking naps in the afternoon and was only up a few times at night, she got overdosed with vaccines (heavy metal toxicity) and it was downhill again from there. I only got about 3 weeks of bliss before she stopped napping and was up every 15 min at night again..now..at 35 months she still doesn't nap and is up around 2-4 times at night.

I can totally empathize. I would say to continue with what you are doing..co-bath, co-sleep, carryin in a sling..always hold his bottle for him, have one primary caretaker for as long as possible..
You could try adoptive nursing if you want..you can PM me for information.

What helped us also is infant massage..start with 5 min and work up to 15 min 4 times a day..
There are books at the library on Therapeutic Infant Massage...I just used a little vegetable oil..you don't have to buy fancy massage oils..

It can take around 6 months or so for them to form a secure attachment..sometimes quicker sometimes longer..but you are definately on the right track...thanks for sharing!

[MLRJ]

Thanks for posting this- Our little guy Christopher had a rough transition mostly because he was taken from his original FM and shuffled around we think so whenever we go anywhere new- especially where there are children he freaks out and clings to me- I really buy into DR Sears and that has really helped me to help him and take care of his needs for security- the sling is awesome- I can carry him and he is a lug ( 24 pounds!) and I feel like he calms down when he is in the sling- He has been difficult for the past few months but I feel like we Just got over the hump recently.

I did not know there was an attachment thread- will look for it.

MLRJ

[angelkisses0102]

http://www.a4everfamily.org/index This is an excellent website...

I wish you all the best...my son came home at 8 months and 1 day and has anxious attachment...but he is finally healing...

[4abrightfuture3]

Natalie I am so sorry. I had hoped things were getting better with everyone feeling good. I remember you and baby were both sick for a while. Thanks for the info. It is so helpful to those of us just starting out. I hope you have a good nights sleep soon.

[Niclayson]

Thanks to all for their replys and PM's. It seems this initial transition period is rough for many infants. I had always seen post after post of how wonderful everything was upon arrival home and it made me wonder what was wrong with my family and my child! That's why I did this post...to warn and inform others about these very possible issues.

I was emotionally exhausted from the whole adoption process and was so looking forward to just having my son home. I was NOT prepared for his mourning and grieving process. I had been told by the social worker to read up about attachment issues and had done some reading. But I wish someone had just been honest and said..."The first few weeks are not always bliss....as a matter of fact they may be awful. You need to be prepared for the anger and fear your child will have. And be ready to have that anger be directed at you."

The adoption process and the difficult transition has been the most physically, emotionally exhausting thing i have ever done as an adult and a parent. If this is your very first child, it would be even more overwhelming...as is the case with my close friend who is also experiencing this mourning in her child. Her child was in a WONDERFUL, WARM foster care environment the whole time.

So read up and be informed. I wish you all the best of attachments with your children.

[Slatond10]

Thanks for the post... I was a older single Mom with first child and definitely unprepared for the first couple weeks of transition / attachment that either me or child would go through.

There may have been post that discussed this and I was not open to hearing it and did not read up on it. For those in the process.. PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOUR HEART TO THIS MESSAGE that Nichalyson has so graciously shared.

It is so much better to be prepared and armed with the knowledge of attachment / transition and not need it than be in the middle of the transition, stressed out, totally exhausted and not have the knowledge or time to get it!!!

( Also stock up on batteries for all those toys , swings, etc )

[TerriBB]

I'm starting to worry about these issues and have read the website that a pp suggested. Thank you so much for sharing your experience...I pray that things will continue to progress.

[stepielynn]

I am so glad I have had Natalie as such a good friend. I am the first time mom that is also going through the grieving with my daughter. She is using food as her control by refusing to eat any solid foods, along with hitting me and not wanting me to leave the room without her. There have been days when I dread getting out of bed. I have been using attachment parenting and carrying her around with me whenever possible. Today she got so excited when I put the sling on to carry her and then gave me a big kiss. She has been full of smiles and very content. My dh has been a huge help and she is really starting to bond with him as well. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have Natalie to talk with everyday and to get advice from. It is great having someone that knows exactly what you are going through..


I agree that you should read up on attachment and be prepared even if you are bringing home an infant. I wish I had been more prepared.

It definitely is worth it all when they look up at you and give you that beautiful smile.

[jennifr]

This post has been a real eye opener for me. I read up some before we brought Sofia home. But the books I had, scared the bejesus out of me instead fo preparing for how to handle these different situations that could happen. So I just prayed that those circumstances were rare and worst case scenarios. The first few weeks were difficult for Sofia adjusting and also for us, but she is doing really well now. So well in fact that I forget all of the troubles that she could have had or still may have in the future. Now I'm going to focus on more reading of constructive information for problems that may rise up in the future. I would have been totally unprepared if put in the same position as you with Trey. Congratulations on getting your kiss! That is so great! Happy Mothers' Day!