[amie-b]

hi all,
I am just having a bit of a blue week. i think it started when my sister-in-law announced she was preg. with their first child last sat.
i have the most beautiful daughter from guat and i am completely in love with her! she is amazing. but lately i have had a teeny tiny nagging thought that i am not a REAL mom. now, in my heart i know that isn't true. but i am the only one in my family that cannot have bio-babies and my sister in law being preg throws that into sharp relief! especially sincet he last familypregnancy was the one i lost.

i think part of the prob is that in my hubby's family there are 4 granddaughter's and one grandson(his mom is my hubby's sister). my bro and sis in law(who are now preg) made a really hurtful comment that they were going to have a boy to carry on the family name since the one grandson has a different last name. When we said, "it will go on, we'll be adopting a boy at some point" they said "well, a blood grandson." i was so shocked i didn't even reply! they adore my daughter and i never expected such a comment from them.
now i find myself wishing they have FIVE girls!
so i guess i am feeling somewhat inadequate in the Mom/Woman department. but there is the bright ray of light that is my beautiful girl. she is 18 months and is the star of the show no matter where she goes. everyone is capitvated by her! i am eternally thankful for her and i know i should just focus on her. but you know how our silly minds run away with us! is it jsut me, or have some of you felt this way too?
thanks for listening to me whine!
amie-b

[jeannecr]

Sorry for your sadness. When we had our homestudy, I discussed my 3 previous miscarriages with the social worker. I told her I wasn't sure I was "over them" yet. She said it is expected that at times those losses will be more painful than others. That just because you are going to love your chosen child with all your heart doesn't mean you won't still mourn the bio children that will never be.

Our culture so strongly emphasizes biological descendants.
Your bro and SIL can be supportive of your adoption, but still have that unspoken assumption that bio is better. Well, there are many years ahead and who knows how all the grandkids will turn out?

[wvamom]

Amie,

You ARE a real mom! You have a beautiful daughter--she is wonderful and in no way a second-class citizen. In my house I have three bio kids and one adopted child and the adopted child is the king of the castle! (Might be because he's two, though. )

Also, I get the feeling you think you might be a second-class mom, just because your child didn't grow inside you. No way! Parenting may be nine months of pregnancy, but it is 70 plus years of relationship, and you just missed out on the first little bit! Who rocks your child, reads to her, cares for her when she is sick, feeds her...well, you get the picture. You ARE a real mother.

I am so sorry your family is making a difference between your adopted child and their bio kids--of course, your brother and SIL have already said that their own daughters are not good enough and so they need a son! How about if they have a son and he has a disability? Then what? Will he not measure up either? EVERY child is worthy of love and caring.

Since you have to be related to these people, can you try to just forget or disregard their comments, at least for your own sake? Easier said than done, I know, but it will cause you a lot less hurt in the long run.

Sorry you are feeling second class -- but don't buy into it! It's just not true!

Carolyn

[cr653]

i dont know by experience how your feeling. so i cant be of real help.
i have 2 children biologically, and one child through adoption.
so in know way am i in your shoes.

but,
im thinking you having more saddness and grief over the way your body is just not going the way you had dreamed.
you know, pregnacy, birth, etc.
that would be a super sad loss. my sister is having a kind of loss in that she always imagined having a child without a csection. she is now mourning that wont happen.
(not the same at ALL, but still a bodily loss in her view of her self as she had always precieved)

so,
im wondering if you feel COMPLETELY good about being a Mommy to your little girl (by the way she is ADORABLE!)
but are sad about missing the pregnancy experience.

im not sure,
but sounds like this could be the case.

and,
im betting this is pretty normal.

A loss is a loss no matter how it happens or how it's compensated for!
While you are a mommy and love your child,
in a seperate arena, you are feeling kind of 'less' because of the missing pregnancies in your life.

ill bet you can get lots of support here,
maybe in the infertility forum and such.

i hope you can find others who have been and/or are where you are so you can get the support you need.

cris....your daughter is SO CUTE!

[shellysarita]

First of all, I think those who haven't adopted do not understand that biology makes no difference in how much or in what way you love your children. If you haven't experienced, you just can't really get it. My grandma still doesn't view my sisters (who were adopted) as being the same as the rest of the grandchildren. I'm not sure if adoption is the issue there or the fact that they are a different race.

Secondly, I feel a loss at not being the mommy to Isabel since her birth. I was OK with giving up the pregnancy thing (though I did enjoy pregnancy)and was even prepared for missing out on the first 6 months of her life. But I am mourning the loss of these last few months that I had hoped I would share with her.

I was visiting a friend and her new baby in the hospital last week and did feel sad that I never got to feel Isabel all snuggled up with her nose buried in my neck.

I think you are normal in having feelings of loss and you are a REAL mommy - hang in there!

Love, Shelly

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Amie B..... I just popped over from the Russian boards....

I know how you feel!!! I am a first time Mom to my absolutely wonderful daughter from the Moscow region. I too cannot have children, and have not (yet) found my knoght in shinning armour, so I wanted to become a Mom, and did. My sister has 2 wonderful Bio children, and a lovely adopted daughter (from Russia too). All of my friends.... well, they would say to me, "guess what?? We age going to try and get preg..." In about 4 weeks, I hear... Poof, we are preg!!! I am sooo happy for them, but also feel a little sad that I couldn't just get preg. I had ALWAYS said since I was a little girl, that I was going to have, the great husband, (you know... the knights in .... blah, blah, blah), the 3 (bio) children, and I wanted to adopt a child. Well, I have the best daughter in the world, and feel sooooo blessed to have found eachother.

I truly believe (for me), that this was the PATH that was laid out for me, and it was FINALLY MY TURN!!!

Blessings................

[bajj]

I do know how you feel. It isn't easy when people say things like that and I have had someone say something similar, too. Well, family runs much thicker than blood. The whole infertility, biokid thing rears it's ugly head from time to time, but for the most part I'm ok.

Just know that you are not alone! My heart goes out to you. I currently know 14 pregnant people!

It's times like this that it is hard, however, I look at my beautiful kids and know that God has blessed me beyond belief.

[mommytoEli]

Girl! You are NOT alone! We have 3...almost 4 adopted children now....and a pretty supportive family. HOWEVER, my dh's brother had the gall to tell my f-i-l that he was going to give him his first grandchild!!! My fil looked confused and said, "I already have 4." And bil said, "the first blood grandchild." I could have SPIT FIRE! Luckily, fil set him straight. But it is just a slap in the face to me and my children for a family member to NOT consider them family. What the $@*^? Now bil's wife can not get pregnant and told bil she wanted to adopt....of course he said no, b/c he wants a blood child. I am sooooo upset at this that I do not allow him very much contact with my children and only under my supervision. It is sad that some people can be so insensitive and ignorant about children and families. THings like this make me feel like some people do not think I am a "real" mom sometimes, too. I think it is a "normal" feeling to have. But there is soooo much more to being a mom than pushing that baby out of your body. I stay up with them when they are sick, when they are scared at night they call for me, I do my best to make sure they are safe, I hug them, and love them, and sometimes even cry when I watch them sleep b/c I can not believe how much I love them and how amazing they are. You and me and all the other moms on this board are all REAL moms, regardless of how our children came to be a part of our families. I know it is hard, but do your best to not worry about what other people think of you. If nothing else, you have a TON of people here who will validate you as a real mommy everyday.

[ps2005]

I was thinking about this just yesterday...Sundays are really tough for me. Nearly everyone our age at church is either pregnant or just had a baby (as in, within the past week!), many are on baby #2 or #3. It feels like all the social interactions with our peer group are based on trying to conceive, being pregnant, or the birth experience. I feel so incredibly out of this loop! It's like surviving the pregnancy/birth thing becomes a "MOM Badge" that everyone is entitled to wear--except me. Sometimes I am afraid that when we bring our baby home, people will look at me as a "not-real" mom...as if I just went out and got a baby at Wal-Mart or something!

So silly...I know that deep down...but our society sends out these subtle messages about that sometimes. It can really make you feel insecure and less-than-worthy to call yourself a mom.

Right now, our child will be the only grandkid in my family, and our parents are SO excited. But I do have to wonder what it will be like when my brother has children some day. Carrying on the family name DOES rest on him, so I wonder if that will make a difference in some way.

Okay, pity party over!

[huganangel]

First of all, you are truly a mother. You love this child so much that even though you don't have the narcisistic joy of her coming out of your body ("narcisistic" not meant to be a put-down, just part of a primal urge that nature put in place to keep the species going) you still love her with the true, pure love of a mother for her child. Do you put her before yourself? Then you're a mother. Would you die for her? Then you're a mother. Do you pray for her at night and often fall asleep before you remember to pray for your own needs? Then you're a mother.
Something no one has mentioned is PASD (Post-Adoption Stress Disorder). It is a newly documented condition which causes depression in parents shortly after the adoption process is over. It is believed to be caused by the incredible amount of stress felt during an adoption which is suddenly absent once the adoption is complete. There are even a couple of universities which are now doing studies on it. If you really find yourself down, you might want to talk to your doctor, a religious leader, or the like. It is common (I went through it) and is probably only made worse by your disapointment at not being able to have bio children.
I'm sorry about how your family has viewed adoption vs. bio children. I personally believe that God has given all adoptive parents the situations we face in life in order to lead us to adoption. There are so many children who need good homes. Our families were in His plans before time began, it just took us searching the world to find our children. (Your daughter is BEAUTIFUL, by the way!)

[DaughterBound]

I know what you mean. I have two bio boys and now Eden, and I can tell you from experience, she is as "mine" as if I had birthed her!! You really do feel the same about your kids, no matter how you got them I think......I am sure your family meant no hurt to come of what they said, but I know how it feels. My family had all boys (including mine) as grandsons--there were 8 of them! Anyway, two weeks before I brought Eden home, my brother and his wife had a baby girl. THey were thrilled to "have the first grandaughter in the family," even though they know Eden was born back in June and was coming home in just days. It hurt my feelings for them to say that, but I know they are just ignorant of it all. Sorry, I am rambling..........
I really just meant to post how beautiful your daughter is! Wow.
Leah

[TerriBB]

This is much harder than being pregnant...and I was during a record hot summer with a dh that was traveling most of the time!!

I'm getting prepared for these comments. I proudly showed my mil our newest picture and she noted that "something is wrong with her hand..what's wrong with it??" Each video, they are taking her hands out of her mouth. (They used to fight over changing our sons diaper, so they could comment about how his belly button was healing!!! They also pointed out the mole on his elbow & knee - constantly!! ) Mommy radar is very sensitive and I'm right there with you!!

I've shared my fears, pain and worries about this adoption with all of my relatives, so that they realize this! It been dragging out much longer than expected - and I believe with each updated, they are falling more in love with our little dollie .

[annaguat]

Ouch! A very painful comment on the blood line. Yes, your son will carry on the line too and no less. It is ok to point out to them how rude that is and that if you adopt a son your son will not be second pickings! I think all your feelings are very valid and am glad you are able to express them. Hugs, Anna

[RLadd21]

I think that sometimes people don't realize how much it hurts when they say things like that. When I started telling everyone about our adoption, people kept saying, "Well you know what they say, you'll get pregnant right when you start the paperwork." I've gotten to the point where I just stare at them and just say Hmmm. It is as if this is only a stepping stone. Plus I've had three miscarriages, I really don't care to get pregnant and then just lose it again. It really terrifies me. However, I think God chooses his families carefully. Through one of the lowest points in my life after this last loss, I discovered adoption. I feel so excited at the start of every day and it has given me such hope that DH and I will at last get OUR baby. Plus I love that I am bonding to DH in a way few of my friends and family might experience with their spouse. So the love that you feel when you give your precious daughter a hug is the love only a mother can feel. Truly you are a mother always and forever and your little girl is just beautiful! Unfortunately, there will be comments that we have to let go b/c the love you feel in your heart is the only love that matters. I cannot wait to feel that way soon!

[want2blucsmom]

Hopefully this will help even a little bit... I WAS adopted by my stepdad- and I can tell you from the 'childs' perspective... he IS a real DAD!!! Just like you (ALL) are REAL mom's regardless of how your children are given to you- by birth or by CHOICE~~ It doesn't matter HOW you became a mom/dad just that you love that child with everything you have!! No, I even to this day 20+ yrs later am still not "one" of the cousins... but after spending time with them, that's not such a loss!! All that matters to me is I know my dad loved me enough to make me his little girl!! Just like your sons and daughters will know some day what you endured to become 'mommy and/or daddy'....

And from what I read here every day- I have NEVER been in the midst of parents who love their kids (bio and adopted) more!! You have ALL been an inspiration to me as a single soon to be mom (a 'real' adopted mom!)