[poppy]

We are thinking about adopting a 3-4 yo toddler and are worried about attachment issues. We have 4 kids 11, 9, 5, and 18 mos and I stay home with them. My husband is worried about the time needed due to attachment with a toddler as opposed to an infant. We want to make the right choice for our family and could use your advice on the life at home after toddler adoption.
Please educate us on all aspects of toddler adoption by sharing your adoption experience with us.
Thanks.

[blueprints]

Hi Kaila,

Attachment depends on many things. Where has the child been for the first 3-4 years of his/her life. Foster care, orphanage.... how many moves, how many caregivers? Has the child ever bonded with a caregiver? If in an orphanage, what was the caregiver to child ratio?

I would also suggest you do a search on "Reactive Attachment Disorder." Then you will have an idea of what you could be facing if you do adopt a child that's never bonded or has suffered a traumatic experience.

I've adopted 2 toddlers, siblings, 2 and 3 years old. Both have been diagnosed with severe RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Our children are extremely difficult, major behavior problems, attention problems, sensory integration problems, speech delay. We see several doctors and therapists and it's very exhausting and challenging, they are considered special needs.

Having two with RAD is extremely difficult, even one would be a challenge! It takes all your energy and time to try to turn these children around so that they can love and they can trust and attach. I think it would affect the entire family and it's possible the rest of the children would suffer in the process.

It's possible that you could adopt a child that's fine and has no problem attaching. However I think it's important that you make yourself aware of the challenges you could be facing. Good luck to you and your family, I'm sure that what ever you decide it'll be what's right for your family and what is meant to be.

Bp

[JohnnaMJH]

I agree with the first responder. It is very hard if the child has problems. Our son came home at 3, horrible foster care, totally spoiled, untreated pain, and an FM who one, basically told him she was his Mami for the whole time and did not prepare him and two, caused a total scene when we had to say good bye. Wailing, hanging on to me, screaming on the street so we could hear her in the hotel room. I will always believe that especially that traumatic good bye started him off on terrible footing. We had read all of the books on attachment and toddler adoption and it was and still is very difficult.

That said, I hear of many more smooth transitions from Guatemala. (he was from El Salvador) The FM's seem to do a better job, and the care seems to be better overall. Although there are no guarantees. I remember hearing of a family at our agency where they went to visit and the kids ran right up, saying Mami, Papi. That is a truly loving Foster Mom because she is preparing the children vs. selfishly holding onto something that is not meant to be.

I do think there are many wonderful things about toddler adoption, just go into it eyes wide open. And, there is nothing wrong with saying it is not right for you. We will not be doing another toddler adoption in the forseeable future. I know that even the smallest chance of a repeat of what we've gone through is too much for us. I is better for our family and for the child for us to know what our limits are.

Good luck!

[DPline]

If you haven't already read it, the book "Toddler Adoption: A Weavers Craft" gives a lot of insight. Hopefully you will get lots of first hand experiences here though.

[ncmom24]

My family has had an incredibly positive experience with toddler adoption. I have three bio daughters (11. 8. 7) and had a somewhat unenthusiastic husband when we first considered adoption. I was incredibly worried that I would potentially mess up our good family life but we decided to proceed as a family and not a day goes by that someone does not thank me for clearing the way to bring Elijah to our family, including my husband. He came home a week before he turned 2. He has been home 7 months and he is an unspeakable joy. The girls adore him. There friends beg their parents for a little brother. Elijah ADORES his daddy and the feeling is mutual.

Strangers tell us how happy he seems and what a joy he is to watch. He potty trained faster than any of my girls and he is smart as a whip. He picked up english so fast, I never felt there was a language barrier.

I will say that I give all the credit to his foster family whom had cared for him since birth and Elijah's wonderful personailty. Amazingly, his foster family was an exact replica of our family and I think that helped but he was obviously well loved and cared for. I will echo the above poster that stability in care can be critical in attachment.

We just had our second post-placement visit and our social worker mentioned that she had never seen attachment issues with the toddlers she had followed up. She also mentioned that in her experience, children from Guatemala seem to have less attachment issues than some other countries. I realize that we are very lucky and that attachment can be a challenge (of course I think that is true with children of any age and adopted or bio). I had researched toddler adoption ad nauseum and was armed with techniques etc. I just really ended up not needing to do anything different than I had with my other children.

Hope that helps. Feel free to contact me if you have additional questions.

Tiersa