[mindy41065]

Hi everyone, I think my daugther is having problems bonding with me. I will explain the situation and please let me know what you think. She is very very attached to my husband. Wont even come to me when he comes home from work. I went to my cousins today and when I was holding her she wanted to go to him. My Aunt said thats very unusual and she is surprised she doesnt look for me when I leave the room. Remind you she has never been over or met my cousin before. She really seems to prefer men. Likes my dad but afraid of my mom. My aunt made me feel bad and said I think she is not bonded with you. She doesnt seem to care if your in the room. She never cries when I go out and shows little excitement when I come back. When my husband leaves the room for two seconds and comes back she is jumping up and down. Dont get me wrong, she will have me hold her especially when she is tired because I always rock her to sleep. Do you think she will ever bond or is it to late? She never says mama. God she even says bobo and thats my dog. Anyone out there having the same problem. Feeling depressed.

[cheri25]

My son is that way. He loves to be with daddy. When he comes home from work, I might as well not exist. I don't think it's that abnormal. Funny thing is when we brought him home, he was 7 1/2 months old (he's 4 now) and all of his caregivers were women, but he totally preferred my husband, grandfather and uncles over grandma and aunts. I am not concerned because he is with me all day long, and when he's sick, I'm the one he wants. Maybe she's going thru a stage right now.

[JohnnaMJH]

I just wanted to send a quick note. You don't say how old she is. My son came home at 3 and acted very much like you described. I could go into a lot of detail, but the basics are just keep doing what you are doing and really try to foster the attachment. If she has recently come home, it may be just a matter of time. If she has recently come home, it is too early to say whether she would have long-term attachment issues. Play games w/her like peek a boo, follow a bed time routine w/lots of snuggling, etc. Please PM me privately if you want to talk some more about this.

HUGS,

[angelkisses0102]

How long has she been home? How old is she? What was her situation in Guatemala? These all play a role...as does the child.

Bonding and attachment are a process...even in infants. However most infants adopted from Guatemala 'appear' to bond rather quickly when in reality they simply transition nicely from a dependency bond to a secure bond.

There is plenty you can do to foster her attachment to you...attachment parenting is a must. She does not see you as anything other than another caregiver from your description. Also, making her world very, very small...cocooning in your own home will help.

Here is my favorite article on how to help promote attachment. PM me for a list of links pertaining to attachment in infants and toddlers....my son is attachment disordered...but is healing and will eventually attach.

My best advice to to take this seriously and know it has NOTHING to do with you....it is from her past...but you can help heal her!!!

Quote:
I will use the name "baby and toddler" as one as well as "Mom" meaning the primary caregiver.

WHAT CAN YOU DO!!!??? READ ON!!!!!!

1)YOU, AND ONLY YOU, WEAR YOUR BABY!!Carry them with you wherever you go, and whatever you do. (unless dangerous) Attach them to your bodies. A great baby carrier is one that the baby can have skin to skin contact with you – Baby Trekker (1-800-665-3957) is a great one, and DHS bought mine! (Tank tops are great to encourage skin to skin contact). Carry the baby on your hip; tie to your body under a sweatshirt, front carrier, or in your arms. The more contact the better. These babies were not held enough. Hold Them!!!! A LOT!!! ALL THE TIME!!!! For the rare times the baby is not in your arms, have them in the same room as you are in.

2) YOU ARE THE ONLY CAREGIVER!! You always bottle, feed, bath, dress, change and most of the play. If friends and family want to help let them walk the dog or clean your house, wash bottles or do laundry, bring food or make you tea. No baby-sitters and no sending the baby away for respite. Until your baby is firmly emotionally attached to you. NO ONE the baby doesn't see daily should hold or even touch them, and even those that the baby sees daily should hold them at a very minimum.

3)KEEP THE BOTTLE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE –EVEN LONGER! You, not the baby, hold the bottle. I hold the bottle with my chin so I have two hands to snuggle my baby close to me. Hold them the way a nursing mother does – chest to chest, close to you with as much skin to skin contact as possible. Always insist your baby look in your eyes and when they do, instantly put the bottle in their mouth and tell them good job!! Keep looking at their eyes so when they are ready for eye contact, you don't miss it. Rub them gently, rock, sing.

4) BATHE WITH YOUR BABY, this encourages skin to skin contact in a nice relaxing warm fun way.

5) A LOT OF FACE TO FACEbaby games and funny faces and TONS of smiles and kisses!! Paint bright circles around your eyes. Close one eye, then the other, rapidly blink, then change speeds, all the time with funny noises. Cover both eyes then one, and so on. Have the baby sit on your lap, and if this is too hard for them at first, lay them on a bed to do it. Then slowly trick them into letting you touch and hold them!! Keep it fun for them.

6) WHEN THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF ANGER OR AVOIDANCE, the baby NEEDS you to hold them, even if they don't WANT to be held. They feel so far away from you, and have to be brought closer to heal. Cradle the baby in your arms. Have their arm closest to you held close. Talk soothingly to them, and tell them to look in mommy's eyes. They most likely won't at first, and will become very angry, (actually they were already very angry, the anger is just allowed to come out in a safe loved way) Other times in their life they were not able to get their needs met; anger and avoidance came out of that. They were often either ignored, hit, or yelled at. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT this ALL be done in an extremely loving way. Never squeeze the baby too close, speak harshly, lose your cool or forget why you are doing this. If you get to feeling their anger, immediately put them down and call support. You have to remain supportive, yet expect their best. Often they will try to hit you, scratch, bite, scream and get to you any way they can. Their intense rage is there. Yes, even little babies. Eye contact, feeling safe, and being accepted no matter what in a loving way is the goal here. For whatever reason, they have shut off people. Now they need YOU to heal. My daughter needed it most after someone she didn't know EXTREMELY well would touch her or hold her. Rub them, soothe them in singing, and soft speech, rock them and tell them you love them. Keep it up until they will calm down and look in your eyes and FEEL connected to you. At times they will fall asleep screaming. If so, and if possible, continue to hold them until they wake up, then continue above. If you need to lay them down, have a monitor on so you can pick them up as soon as they wake up. For the very avoidant baby one unsolicited eye contact a week could be considered good! Keep it up, you have several good eye contacts a minute to look forward to! Remember, you did not create this anger in your baby.

7) NOW IS THE BEST AND EASIEST TIME TO WORK WITH YOUR BABY.

8) DO A LOT OF BABY MASSAGES. For the real avoidant baby, a half hour. Each day you delay, the harder it is for them and you. Attachment issues do NOT just go away on their own. They only get worse. Twice a day would be minimum. All the time talk, sing and let that baby know how special they are!! Most of the babies seem to really enjoy this, and my daughter would even get out the lotion as soon as she could reach for it!!

9) ROCK THAT BABY!! They often can't stand you sitting in a rocking chair, but can often tolerate and enjoy you walking and dancing with them in your arms. (remember face to face contact during this) Gentle motion, bouncing and rocking are a must!!

10) SLEEP WITH THE BABY. If you can, the best is to have the baby in your bed close to you. Second choice is to have the baby in their crib right next to your side of the bed with the side rail down. Have the crib touching snug to your bed, so if they climb out, they climb safely onto you!! They need t hear your breathing and know you are close. My daughter was always asleep when I put her in her crib, yet that little tiny thing would move her body as far away from me as she could, and always would turn her head away from me. I still remember the first night she didn't!! What Joy!! DHS will let you have a baby under one sleep in your room with no problems. (It's in the rule book!) Yet for someone over one, you get special permission (in writing) to have them sleep in your room for mental health reasons. Should not be a big problem. Have the baby always fall asleep in your arms. Nap or night. They need to get used to feeling loved!!

11) SING, SING, SING!!! It lightens the load, and helps the baby feel the happy friendliness they missed out on. Joyful voices are so important!

12) ENCOURAGE EYE CONTACT WHEN FEEDING, BOTTLING, TALKING, CHANGING, AND ALL THE TIME!! Bribery of candy, special toys or sounds, tickles, or whatever. As one specialist told me in giving them candy, "They can live with rotten teeth, yet can not truly live without attachments!!"

13) EXPECT A DIRTY HOUSE, soup out of the can and sandwiches for supper and piles of laundry. Know that you are not super mom, and that baby can't wait until all is in order to get on with their lives. Here is where all those well meaning friends that want to hold that precious baby come in!! Let them work!!!

14) EXPECT TO BE CRITICIZED AND ACCUSED as over possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby needs, and fight to get that for them. Remember YOU know that baby more than anyone else.

15) HAVE A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM. Have a trusted friend (hopefully someone who has had experience in attachment disorder) that you can call without being told you are making too much of it. Read books on attachment disorder. Know what dangers await that baby if they are not helped. Working with an infant or toddler has such a HUGE chance for success!! Not one act of kindness is wasted.

16) GET AN OFFICIAL EVALUATION BY AN ATTACHMENT EXPERT. Dr. Dan Hughes does these (207-872-2121) That way in court and with workers you do have leg to stand on in getting these babies what they need!!! It is a lot easier when you have a well respected expert stick up for you. Even judges listen to Dan!!

17) KNOW YOU NEITHER CREATED YOUR BABY'S PROBLEMS, NOR CAN YOU CURE THEM. Your job is to give the baby the tools they need. The rest is up to them.

18) PRAY, A LOT. It is a very big job you have undertaken and at times a very lonely one. Know YOU are just as precious to Jesus as that little baby you are working with.

19) FOR THE BABY THAT HAS NOT YET ENTERED YOUR HOME – when you get that baby, get a piece of clothing or blanket unwashed and used recently by the primary caregiver. The smell will help the move. And don't you wash it!! Keep it close to the baby to help the baby adjust. No matter the baby's age or living conditions, the move to you is not easy. Never push this object, but make it available.

20) HELP YOUR BABY GET A TRANSFERENCE OBJECT. This is a blanket or soft toy they can sleep with, use it in the car seat, and for the RARE time you cannot be with them. Helps in security.

21)IF YOU DO ALL OF THESE WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS AND THINGS GET WORSE OR REMAIN THE SAME, GET HELP. I have never heard of them getting worse when done this way, yet anything is possible.

I wish you all the best in your adventure. No one is superhuman, and there will be times when you cannot do all you want with your baby. Take heart, NO ONE can do it all!! If your baby is getting emotionally closer to YOU, you are doing great and giving the baby a priceless gift. I have worked with older children with attachment problems also, and believe me, NOW is the easiest and best time to start!! God bless you on your adventure!

This treatment and paper have been approved by Dr. Dan Hughes, attachment specialist. Thanks Dan.

[angelkisses0102]

I went back and read some old posts and see she was in an orphanage...so I would personally start this as soon as possible...

A couple of websites I can post here with good info...

www.attach-china.org

www.radzebra.org

[mindy41065]

Hi, I forgot to say that she has been home now for 9 months so I would think she would bond by now. I do have a big family that likes to see her at least once a week and so does my mother inlaw. Is it to late to be the only one that cares for her now?

[lucyjoy]

It's not too late to start. She still has plenty of time to bond-just do lots of things to encourage it, including you being the only actual caretaker right now.

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by mindy41065

Hi, I forgot to say that she has been home now for 9 months so I would think she would bond by now. I do have a big family that likes to see her at least once a week and so does my mother inlaw. Is it to late to be the only one that cares for her now?

Not at all...she is still very young...and in all honesty...it takes about 2 years for a fully secure emotional attachment to occur...but like I mentioned before...some kids just go with it...some kids don't. I've got one of each.

Family can see her...but only you should be feeding her, changing her, comforting her...and really holding her...although that may be hard. My son did go to daycare after being home 5 months to help him catch up with his speech...so just try to limit them holding her.

Also, rountine is very important with some kids...anytime my son gets out of routine...even for a good thing...it messes him up...PM me if you would like...

Good luck and try not to worry...you and she will be fine...

Karen

[yusen]

I hope you dont mind that I am posting,, But I would like to say somethins,, I am currently reading Raising adopted children In one of the chapters,, It says that if a Parent leaves for the day or goes on a trip,and comes home the adopted children generally attach themselves to that Parent more so,, No matter the age of the adopted child they sense that they will be left alone, or that the Parent will leave them forever.. Even if you have raised an infant,, they can sense a feeling of being left alone.. Just reassure your children that you are their forever families,, Mom, Dad, etc....

[kcbailey777]

Some of the things you described like prefering men, not caring when I walk in the door after being gone, and getting excited when grandma or grandpa comes over is common at my home also. I can assure you my daughter is completly bonded to me. My daughter is very social and my she loves the attention they give her. She takes me for granted because I am always there for her. I think when I leave her which is not that offen she gets a little ticked and ignores me when I return.

I wouldn't let other's judgements let you doubt your attachment with you daughter. However, if you feel she is not bonded or would like a deeper bond you have already received excellent advice.

Lisa

[Niclayson]

If you are concerned...trust your gut and maybe consider seeking out an evaluation by an attachment therapist. These behaviors could be normal or they could be signs of attachment disorder....why not get a professional opinion? It could put your mind at rest.

In the meantime, the post above about practicing attachment parenting is right on!

[curlyqgyrl]

Have we talked befor? Because that is EXACTLY how Meeah was pretty much her first year home. I litterally felt like crud. I mean, she liked me okay, but I didn't hold a candle to dh. She to would dance a little jig even after dh came out from showering or using the bathroom. If I was gone all day and came home, she would let me hold her for a few seconds then wanted dh back. Grandpa too. Likes grandma, LOVES Grandpa.
And then I posted my woes on here. And people gave me great advice, but of course I didn't follow it.
and about a month later, Meeah just decided she loved me too. Now she absolutly loves both of us and wants us both right there with her and yells for me if she can't see me and says "MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" if she hasn't seen me for like 2 minutes. She still is more of a daddies girl, thats for sure, but she also is in love with mama now to.
I know how it is, and it is really sad and depressing, and I hope your little one is just like Meeah and "snaps" out of it one day.

[Pamsko]

Just keep working on attachment bonding. There is hope.

We brought home Alex at 17 months and I would say that for the first 6 months, I was nothing more than a babysitter for him. Then, he began, little by little to bond to me. Our social worker told me that bonding may not be complete until the child has been home as long as he was in Guatemala. . . we're close to 17 months now, and I think we're ALMOST there. He calls me mama now and is excited to see me when I come into a room. He still doesn't cry after me. . .but that's OKAY.

Good luck. . .patience is the key!

[guatmom4113]

I don't have a lot to add except this is an interesting topic.

When my son was a baby he would do very mean things to my husband. He would pinch him, try to kick him, stomp on his private area. We used to call him little Oedipus or Eddy for short.

Now, he is a teenager. I feel left out. Dad is fun and cool, which I cannot complain about that. I am looking forward to when Maria finally comes home although I worry about attachment issues, too, because I had to leave her FOUR times. She was so devastated the last time, I could not go back for another visit because I simply could not leave her again. It is so sad. I am sure she doesn't understand. She is older--I am not sure if she is 8 or 10--another story.

[mommytoEli]

I am sorry for your struggles. Hang in there. I am parenting an 11 year old girl w/ attachment issues who has lived with me for 3 years. I do not know if she will ever be completely bonded to our family, but I am less of wreck now that I have begun to be thankful for the small strides that she makes. It is a difficult road, but well worth the journey for the sake of your child. Kudos to all those who posted before me. Attachment parenting is the only way to go. Imagine how silly I felt when I had to tell people no one (not even Grandparents) could babysit or even hug my then 8 year old daughter. No one, other than dh and I, was even allowed to give her permission to play a game or eat a cookie. We had to train her and our entire family that my dh and I were to be the ONLY people to meet her needs. It seemed silly to outsiders, but we absolutely had to be her only care providers. It helped tremendously. Don't worry about it being too late or about what others may think of what you ask them to do for you, you do what you need to do to help your daughter. Follow your gut, seek advice, don't be afraid to try things that may seem unconventional to others, if it helps her, it will all be worth it. GOOD LUCK!!!