[bizzee]

I was just wondering if infertility issues play a roll in our reaction to the waiting on the adoption process?

I think for me, it's just a matter of a fear that if it doesn't happen NOW, it isn't going to ... the process and waiting seems to be reflective of all of the testing, the process (shots, thermometers, what have you), and the ultimate negative blue line on the pregnancy test.

I think all the infertility issues and subsequent emotional damage has made me less trusting of the adoption process and has clouded my belief that I am ever going to be able to hold a baby that I know is mine in my arms.

Of course, this is something I had to work through when I started this journey and I know it WILL happen, but there is always that small, creepy little piece of baggage in the background...

[proudmommyof 2]

I think you may be right. Years and years of infertility testing resulted in the same result: no child.


But I can tell you that the adoption process will result in a child for you. I know sometimes it feels as if it won't happen, and that you will never be a mom. But adoption can guarantee something that all of the fertility clinics in the world won't-parenthood. It may take longer than you'd like, and there may be a heartbreak or two on the road, but it'll happen!!!

[dyardley]

I find myself very guarded about actually believing this will work out in the end.

Like looking at the stick for so many months, expecting it not to be positive made it just slightly less devastating.

I too have a case of severely guarded optimism. A wise person once told me, if you don't expect too much, then what a joyous surprise when it actually happens!

[ddhuab]

not insurmountable roadblocks, but delaying blocks...
1) homestudy took FOREVER because my fingerprints kept getting rejected for criminal background check (worked for USCIS, not for our state, which also checks against FBI database... no, these to entities for some reason cannot share information).

2) we had to wait several months for a referral

3) then there was the holdup with DNA Authorization mess at the embassy...

and, of course, our case involves a minor birthmother, which is yet another potential for things getting delayed...

but, since DNA testing and sw interview has occurred yesterday, TODAY I actually feel like this is going to happen!

Now I am just worried about getting her home by her 1st birthday (time to start getting an updated homestudy and 171).

It WILL HAPPEN... but it is hard to believe it is really happening, sometimes.

D.

[TerriBB]

Sometimes, I don't think the agencies realize how fragile their clients are. Our hearts, bodies and wallets are pretty beat up from the variety of treatments - and this is before we begin to write home study checks or start assembling dossiers!

If they knew how violated you feel with all of the procedures...then you have to be "okayed" by so many people, including family, friends, clergy...just to get in this crazy world of waiting!!

We have a bio son and they just made sure that we had a car seat when we left the hospital...and sent us off with a free can of formula! It should be mandated that all folks involved in agency work have a few infertility treatments...and 50 people ask "when are you two going to have kids?" prior to ever stepping into their offices!

I am grateful that you all are here...the adoption world is such a warm place Thank you!

[bizzee]

If they knew how violated you feel with all of the procedures...then you have to be "okayed" by so many people, including family, friends, clergy...just to get in this crazy world of waiting!!

Don't forget the massive amount of quetzals we need to come up with an fork over.

Yes, we are quite an odd (in a very special way) lot, aren't we? Who else would go through all of this for a child(ren)? Good grief - no wonder my mother doesn't "get it" because she has never had to go through any of this.

I dare not think about all of it in one neural synapse - flames would be shooting out my ears.

Being pregnant and delivering a child seems a heck of a lot easier - but I have no interest in being pregnant. My heart is in Guat.

And you are absolutely right - agencies and social workers should recognize we are strong, yet fragile at the same time.

[MNStarr]

I agree. We knew ahead of time that we (I) had fertility issues. We tried to conceive for 18 months before coming to a fork in the road and having to choose between further infertility testing and procdures or starting adoption. I knew both would mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. A roller coaster of sorts, so we decided to just go ahead with the adoption. I think for us we were pretty calm and patient during the process because we hadn't done any testing and had never experienced the months and years wait of infertility.

[shellysarita]

After 4 pregnancy losses (10/04-10/05), I think I am stilling holding my breathe and hoping that I will actually have a baby at the end of this process. And we already have a signed Protocolo - she's legally ours.

I think that is why it is hard when the agency seems to exert so much control over the process (like which hotel you may stay at, whether you can go down before you have PINK, etc.). We've already given up so much control.

Love, Shelly

[ps2005]

I think you are so right. We are just paperchasing now, but as we have been in the research/decision phase, I have thought many times how my experience with infertility has affected my perspective and reactions. It's good in my case that my husband has been far less emotional and helped me see things more clearly.

I, too, am coming to the place where I can embrace being "different". It's tough to do that when all your peers are are building their families in ways that feel so foreign to you (ie, pregnancy). I remember one crying spell when I said to my husband, "I just want to be like everyone else...and now we are going off to adopt a kid who won't even LOOK like us!" It sounds so silly to say that now! Again, I think it was the ol' IF baggage. Honestly, I am enjoying the idea of our family being "special" because of adoption.

[TerriBB]

Getting to the decision to adopt is an amazing place...welcome to that wonderful peace! Now, let's get those babies home!!!

[bizzee]

Funny thing about coming to that decision - I didn't. It came to me in a rather round-about way. Mind you, 4 years ago, I "put away" my fertility issues, started a business, got a puppy, and threw myself into the business, and have been "mothering" my canine baby. That is also the time we bought the house, so my mind has been busy with other things.

In January, in the course of my work (medical transcription for several doctor's offices and clinics - one of them being a pediatrician), he had dictated a note on a child adopted from Gautemala. (He has since dictated many more, different children.)

I stopped dead in my tracks...As if something or someone had just pushed on my chest. That was it - the answer to a question I didn't even know I had asked. God has a way of telling you what to do.

I bounded out of my office and ran downstair and screamed at my husband..."hey, can we adopt a baby from Guatemala?" Without hesitation, he said yes.

One of my "consolation prizes" when Dr. Getcha Prego said he could no longer treat me, was a neat little notebook on adoption and he highly recommended Guatemala. I went home, briefly glanced at the notebook and put it away.

That day, I went online and did a little research. The more I read, the more I wanted to do it. It was all just right. And the more pictures I saw, the more I wanted to do it. Within a few days, that was it - I was hooked. No turning back now. Within a week, I was totally in love with the idea, the country, and the children.

[jeannecr]

Yes, we have all experienced so many losses on our paths to motherhood (and fatherhood!). I agree it makes us more impatient, disbelieving, hesitant to throw our hearts into it. For sure, some agency workers have no idea how painful it is to wait, or even to allow ourselves to feel hopeful.

I told my therapist that even after my referral, I have trouble really believing and putting my heart outward. She was really reassuring that it's OK after so many losses to hesitate.

There is no particular way we "should" feel. However we feel is right for us.

May we all find joy at the end of the road.

[starryeyes]

I do not have fertility issues, but I sympathize greatly with those who do. I can relate a little bit, as I feel I am just waiting for something to go wrong with the adoption. I still haven't bought the baby that was referred to me a thing, because I'm so superstitious. For a month after the referral, I was convinced the baby was terminally ill with some rare disease. I'm paranoid, I admit.

I'm not infertile, but I know the sadness of an extremely broken heart - that makes me different from the rest of the population but more like you all here, IMHO.

(I do not mean to assert that I know how it feels to be infertile, in any way - I just really empathize.)

[katlady]

Hi,

Thanks for pointing out the link between the losses associated with infertility and possible fears about the adoption going wrong. I was just talking with my husband about the lack of movement in PGN and we were worried about why things have been so quiet. The IVFs, the losses, and the intrusiveness, really took a toll. Although I have come a long way, I still grieve not having a biological child, being pregnant, going through birth, and experiencing our little guy's first 5 months. It's a big help to be able to look at the adoption process and see how my fears might be related to these past losses. Thanks again!.

Best wishes,
Kathy