[MNStarr]

Our adoption is complete and we are all settling in nicely. Now that we have had time to go through all of her paperwork and info to put in our lock box I am a little concerned. I know at some point she will have questions and want to see what her birthmom looked like and that is perfectly natural. However, her birthmom, in the picture looks sad and a little angry. She also has dark bruises on her arms and a black eye. In general she looks like she had been in a fight. I am a little worried about how Olivia might perceive this when she is older. I do know the birth moms story and reason for placing her for adoption and I have a pretty good idea where they came from. Also she has a cut on her cheek. Just wondering how I might explain them for anyone whos been in a similar situation. Thanks.

[rrrajan]

that is a tough one. i would probably give her the photo, especially if she wants to know what her birthmother looked like. but i don't think i'd do it before she is 18. that is her only physical connection with her birthmom.

we just received our photo today in the mail. i was so prepared to be overcome with the sadness of the birthmom. but what struck me...is that she looks not sad but indifferent and possibly bored. she is very pretty.

i held the picture, it is more precious than gold, and i will keep it so carefully until my little girl grows up.

best of luck. you will be one great mama!!

[doghouse]

I may be shallow, but the picture of the birthmother of our referral is not pretty at all. I feel guilty about feeling this way. The baby is very pretty and healthy so we accepted the referral. How could we reject the referral because of the birthmother's looks!

Concerning the troublesome picture of your baby's birthmom: do you have another picture that is perhaps without the bruises and scrapes? If you do, could you keep that picture for your baby and get rid of the other one?

[ddhuab]

I want to be able to show a photo of our baby's first mother to her throughout her life, and even have it ready for her to display in her room, if she wishes.

I am sure what I am about to say will be controversial, but if I were in the same situation, I might consider scanning it and "touching up" the photo to share with her and that she may wish to share with her friends as she grows up (I am sure she would not want to continually answer questions about the bruises). I scrapbook and touch up photos all the time, so this would not seem that "unusual." I would be sure to mention we got a bad copy and we made some lighting changes (and that would be part of her adoption story), and when she was older I would tell her all I know. That way she would still get to see where she might get her jawline, shape of her mought, etc.

I think children should know the truth of their origins, but some things are so painful I wouldn't want to "burden" them with the truth before they were ready to understand it or accept it.

I think every situation is different, so I am sure you will make the best choice for your situation.

D.