[capt911k]

One of the comments that has really bugged my wife is.....


Well atleast your not pregnant. This is much easier.

This is probably the hardest coments for my wife to handle.... It really drives her to the point of being completely pissed off.

So I guess the reason for the post is nothing short of support. People who are not intimately involved in the adoption world just don't get how hard it is.

The statement below sums up just one part of the emotions that parents who adopt might go thru.



"It's hard to explain how real that little bunch of photographs becomes to a waiting family, and how upsetting it is to be told, "Sorry, you lost your baby," even if the pregnancy only existed on paper."

Read the "Complete Post: Referral yo-yo." from the adoptionblogs.com

[DPline]

Blah! to anyone who would say that! I have been pregnant and adopted and adoption is MUCH more difficult in my opinion. I had a less than wonderful pregnancy and the labor from ****, but there is absolutely no question that adopting was much harder - emotionally and physically. We also lost our first referral after 2.5 months and I can tell you how horrible it was to loose a child that we had become attached to, even though we had never seen her in person. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.

(((Hugs))) to your wife, and tell her there are people who get it.

[P.E.Z.]

I totally understand and agree with your wife.
I have given psysical birth once and emotional birth 2 times.
Still in emotional labor for our 3rd daughter.
" give me the painkillers "
ANYONE who says adoption is the easy way to become a parent ,
has no clue !
Just chalk that statement up to total egnorance!

[jlinberger]

I've never had that very comment, but is a stupid one, that's for sure. I have been amazed how you can liken the feelings, emotions, processes, etc of adoption to pregnancy (though, never having been pregnant, I can only imagine). And its all hard- but the outcome in both is also equally amazing.

I have recently had a thought of my own- women that birth and don't adopt might think "oh, that poor woman could never have her "OWN" child." Well, my new thought is- "Oh, that poor woman never had the awesome experience of adoption."

[curlyqgyrl]

Whatever! Thats what I have to say!
I had a daycare mom say to me after I told her I couldn''t believe the wait is finally over "Well, its basically just like waiting for a pregnancy".
Uhhhh huhhhh. Its JUST like! ding bat.

[Carlee1boy]

Oh, I know just how your wife feels. That comment has been made to me many times!

As I have given birth as well as adopted, I can speak from experience and say that adoption is MUCH harder.

Through our adoption journeys, I am learning that lots of people have lots of opinions (and just can't keep them to themselves).

Thank goodness for this forum!
Carolyn

[amylynn3]

I get comments like that a lot, too. I hear "At least you won't get fat." and "You will miss the hardest times...when the baby won't sleep through the night." I even had one person try to compare our visit trip to an ULTRASOUND!!!!!!

I want to say, actually, I am putting on weight and losing sleep because this process is long and stressful...

...But, I know that nobody means to be insensitive. I wish people would think about what they are saying. I have had these kinds of comments from close friends and family and people that I don't know very well. Some days I am able to let comments roll off my back, but other days it is harder to hear them.

I agree that taking the time to educate people is the best medicine. I also go by the saying "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Sometimes this saying helps me through.

[bekalynn]

UGH!!!!!
THAT COMMENT!

I had a well intentioned family member (aunt) tell me "Atleast you don't have to have the pain of labor"

What? Huh? WHAT?

I didn't stay stunned (momentarily, but I came back to earth) -- While I've not given birth, this type of pain is emotional and it certainly does hurt! (it goes back to the age old testimony of educating about adoption)

[SisterBear]

I've been pregnant and given birth and the adoption process is MUCH harder in my opinion. At least, I feel like I am losing my mind over the paperwork and I never felt this way while pregnant! (I did have miscarriages and a highly monitored successful pregnancy but I still think adopting is more emotionally draining.)

Lana

[apetry26]

I too have given birth-twice and agree that adoption is much more difficult. I try to stay open to the fact that most ppl are completely ignorant of the whole adoption process and tend to say stupid things. They have good intentions, but we are already emotionally liable and take those comments too personally. I try to educate ppl about the process so they don't say the same stupid thing to someone else. That goes for family, friends and strangers.

Angie

[lcpd]

I do hate that comparison. I have gotten the comment when I have complained about the wait, "Well, you have to wait 9 months to have a baby, what's the difference." A lot! I have never been pregnant, but at least you get to carry that baby every where you go. Your baby is not in someone else's stomach 1800 miles south. Ugh!!

[csw]

I did gain weight..gained 45 lbs to induce lactation to make Ana breast milk...went from a size 4 to a 16 in 7 months..

Ana is 33 months old and still not sleeping at night..so the comment about "at least they will be older and sleep through the night" isn't always true!

I have also been told "at least you missed most of the first year, which is the hardest"...gee..thanks..

[metro93]

I can only imagine how hard it would be to lose your baby. I have the firsthand experience of 2 miscarriages following an uneventful pregnancy and great birth of a daughter. I do not think it matters where the baby is, how old they are, how long you have know about them, or if it is you first of tenth child. A child is in parents hearts before an adoption even starts. We are gathering our documents now for our adoption and I think it is very hard. All of our hope is tied into the wish of a child and in the pieces of paper we get. I pray that your wife can realize that people can be ignorant and not even know how deeply their words cut. Been there with the miscarriages. Can't wait to meet the baby God has in store for us!

[Niclayson]

A visit trip is like an ultrasound??? Huh??? People say very stupid things.

I have decided that most people are just essentially CLUELESS about adoption. They don't mean to be moronic, but they come across this way. I also believe that people are also caught up in their own lives and their own experiences...and compare the experiences of others to their own. They simple don't get that adoption IS difficult and stressful.

I have had two biological kids....both with serious pregnancy complications. I have had several miscarriages. None of that was as stressful as my son's adoption.