[chica_latina]

I've been pondering this for the last few months, and I just need to get different insight and thoughts into this.

When I started my new job, I was placed with a trainer. One day, I shared with her that we had begun the adoption process and she shared that she was an adoptee.

She went on to say things like: "Why can't you have your OWN kids? Who are the REAL parents? Don't you want your OWN babies?"

I told her that they will be my OWN children through adoption. I asked her if she ever thought of adopting and she said, "No way. I don't have a problem with adoption, but I want my OWN family."

This has bugged me ever since.

I then visited several adoptee forums and read messages from adoptees saying that they miss their "REAL" mom (although they had never met). I even read a post where an adoptee, who adopted and had biological children, said that there is nothing like having your "OWN" children, knowing there is a biological thread that links them to you.

I feel like I'm constantly educating people on adoption and it doesn't help that the media fuels this ignorance. But, how can I justify the "proper" adoption terminology when I hear and read adoptees using these same terms?

How can I say that we are a "REAL" family if adoptees don't feel that way..

I'm guessing that not all adoptees feel this way, but do the majority??

It makes me sad to think that my kids may someday look at me and say "thanks, but now I need to find my REAL family."

I would support our kids 100+% if they wanted to find their birth families, but I know that this will prove to be difficult, since we are adopting from Guatemala (geographical distance, cultural and language differences, etc). Will they then turn around and resent me even more for adopting them and bringing them to another country?

I would appreciate any thoughts.. I'm trying to keep open-minded.

[Disneycrazed]

I grew up next door to a family who had adopted 4 children. No one that I know ever thought of their parents as "not real"
My best friend all though school (and still to this day) was adopted and never did any of us think her parents were "not real"
My cousin was adopted and none of us ever thought of my Aunt and Uncle as "Not real parents"
I can also say that NONE of these people growing up felt like their parents were not their "real " parents.
Yes, some of them wanted to meet their bio parents for various reasons but I know for a fact that all of them saw their parents as real, loving and yes THEIR PARENTS!!!
These people are the reason I have such a great view of adoption. I saw people have wonderful families and raise wonderful children who grew into wonderful adults.
I hope to be able to do the same thing.
Michele

[lcpd]

My guess is that there are some similarities between adoptive children, such as the questions and feelings they may have. But, I also would guess that there are many differences and that each child and family will have a different process. I do see this as a process and as a child matures and grows older I would guess that they will have different feelings, different questions, etc. Again, I have used "I guess" a lot because I don't really know. I am hoping through an open and honest relationship with our daughter as well as through education and a celebration of both American and Guatemalan cultures that she will grow up to be comfortable about who she is. She is the only one we are really worried about. There will always be poopheads out there. We plan on raising her to be strong and confident in herself. That's the plan anyway, we'll have to take what comes and meet her where she is in all of this!

Excellent question by the way!

[DD Amasa]

I don't have any answers for you other than to state the obvious, just because someone is adopted themselves, doesn't mean they aren't ignorant jerks.

As for internet forums, I'm always especially careful about taking what I read on the internet with a grain of salt. Much of it is valuable, (as I find this forum) but you also don't know anything about the background of the individuals posting, what their childhood or family was like, any psychological or medical issues they have. There are (sad to say) many poorly adjusted adults out there who blame their problems on anything they can: working mothers, divorced parents, single parents, gay parents, being an only child, having too many siblings or adoption.

I started skimming through some books on adoption written by adoptees and adoptive parents and plan on buying a couple. They seem to me to be more well thought out about the good and bad and various issues and feelings that come up than random postings by who knows who with whatever axe they have to grind.

[nwparents]

I've heard the comment before as well. Several people have asked us, "Oh, after you adopt are you going to have your own kids?" Weird, right? I just try to ignore it. I don't think that I am such a wonderful person that I could only love a little child that was a mini me. I think it is just ignorance about adoption talking, but as for our children feeling like outsiders in our homes, I can only say in my opinion it probably has a lot to do with the individual family and the individual child.

[cfc]

I am an adult that was adopted as a 2 month old here domestically and my mom and dad have always been my REAL mom and dad. Adoption means SO much to me that I have adopted 3 children, 2 from Guatemala and one from China even though I could have given birth to more children if I had desired. I chose to adopt because to me adoption is a miraculous thing.
Today my little daughter from China who is only 15 months old, saw her daddy drive up in the drive way and ran screaming with glee "daddy" holding her arms up and the joy that brings he and I is as REAL as it gets I can assure you.
THis quote says it all for me...


"We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life.But those who make their journey home across time & miles,growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among usby God's very own hands." --- Kristi Larson

[bizzee]

Myrna ~

These are the exact same issues I have been struggling with and questioning myself. I think it is part of our adoption journey to question all of this.

The things you are reading on adoptee forums are thought provoking, albeit very uncomfortable. I have even wondered if adoption was going to be right for me. These children have a pain we cannot understand. I've been given some wonderful advice from good friends and others on the Big List about these things. The best we can do is educate ourselves about these issues and understand that our children have suffered a loss, acknowledge that loss and allow them to be open with us about it. Some may adjust to it, others will not. Our situation is complicated by the international/cultural aspects and just means there is more we need to know and more we need to think about.

As with any parenting, it's going to be one day at a time.

I'm not trying to minimize an adoptee's grief or sense of loss here, but you also need to remember that there are just as many, if not more, biological kids who have "issues" with their parents. There just isn't internet space on adoption forums for them to express themselves.

I've stopped reading adoptee and birthmother posts for the time being until I can absorb, sort through my feelings about it, and reach a place where I feel I have a firm grasp and stance on how I will deal with this if/when the time arises. I will return to them when I have a clearer perspective...and greater confidence.

{{{{{Hugs to You}}}}}

Chris

[beanmollybean]

This has been one of my fears as well that an adopted child would think I'm not their Real Mother and we're a Real Family. I am afraid of domestic adoption becuase I have seen to many Lifetime channel movies. International Adoption seemed to ease my fears, but it's still something I'm not 100% comfortable with. I know I should know better than everything I've seen in the media and of my fears becuase my siblings were adopted. I've seen what they've gone through and heard what they've talked about. But, it's also interesting... My sister is very adamant that she give birth to her children and my brother wants his 2nd child (he has one biological child) to be adopted. I guess everyone and every family is a little different.

[kelleymac]

Hey Myrna:

With every major decision in life, you're going to question. My guess is that you've stumbled across a few people who would not choose adoption, and that's fine for them.

Not everyone can love an adopted child as much as a bio child. As hard as I find that to believe, I know it to be true. Just as some people have children and spend a fortune for other people to raise them. Each of us is different in how we process information, and realize that on these forums there are a lot of adoptees looking for support (and birthmoms too) for adoptions that were not smooth sailing. What you see is a biased view of those who have "issues" in their adoption (this is not to say all birthmoms and adoptees here feel that way, but I think the number who do is disproportionate)

There is a lot of adoption in my family. Some very positive (my grandma) some not so much (my aunt, that grandmother's daughter). So much depends on the individuals, their perception and their makeup.

I know you a little personally, and I have no doubt about your ability to love your children (adopted or bio), but I admire you for questioning. I think all you can do for your little ones is to always be honest and open about their origins and let them know that they can talk with you about everything.

And if anyone doubts how much my son belongs to be, I dare you to try to take him from me.

Kelley

[MicheleB]

People have asked me these sorts of questions too.

Here is my 2 cents worth.......I like to say that my closest relative is my husband. He and I are not "biologically" related (that would be gross ) - yet he is MY FAMILY. He and I were our "family" for 16 years until we made our family larger through adoption. My kids from Guatemala are "my kids" and "my family" just as much as my husband is "my husband" and "my family". I also hope to make this a point with my kids when they are old enough to talk about and understand adoption. You don't have to be biologically related to someone to be a REAL family - thats just plain silly!! Look at Daddy and I - LOVE and COMMITMENT is what makes our family a REAL family.

I so admire those of you who are single parents - I am not sure how to explain this from your perspective, but maybe a set of grandparents can. Any other ideas?

Hope this helps!

[Guatemommi]

Hi,

I find the comments of your trainer very disturbing, too, but maybe she, unfortunately, is a product of her environment. Maybe her real (and by real, I mean adoptive!) parents treated her differently or made similar comments to her. We all assume that adoptive parents are educated and sensitive, but that might not be the case.

I struggle with people making horrible comments without realizing it all the time. You just have to have faith that your child will know what's real.

Guatemommi

[lisam951]

I think it depends on the situation. Perhaps this persons parents made her feel like they were not her REAL parents. I have 2 cousins that were adopted. Both are in their 30's and are brothers. They told their mom a long time ago that they had no desire to look for their bio parents because they know who their family is. Not that there is anything wrong with an adoptee wanting to meet their bio family, however, they know who their REAL parents are.

[curlyqgyrl]

MMMMM I hate the "own children" comment.

To me, I just can't grasp it no matter how hard I try.
I don't view having bio children or adopting children ANY different then one another.

[mrsrodger]

Michele B - your comment about you and your DH being a Family but not related by blood is so true! As a matter of fact DH and I were on a hike with our adopted furbaby yesterday and I brought up the fact that all of our pets were adopted and if you really think about it DH and I adopted each other to become a Family. He totally agreeded with me and liked looking at it that way.

I have had the same thoughts as you have Myrna. I think we all do throughout this process. It's a thought provoking process and it's totally normal to question things.

[Kesti]

Let me tell you that you will indeed be the REAL MOM. Motherhood is more than giving birth, it is taking care of the child, being there for the child during sickness, happy times, being there to dry the tears in their eyes, etc. etc. I could go on and on.

It is my belief that people automatically relate the birthing process to the "real mom" term. As we all know here on this forum there is a lot more to being a "real" mom than being able to give birth to a baby.

I have given birth to a baby and have adopted two children and support three in Guatemala so I am a "real" mom to six in my eyes. Even though my bio daughter died at age 16 months after a botched open heart surgery I am still her mom even though she is not here. I adopted my two "Easter Beauties" and although I did not have the honor of carrying them inside of me and was not able to give birth to them I am their "real" mother. As the bio mothers of the girls I sponsor in Guatemala write me instead of the little girls writing me because the little girls are too young to write, even their bio mothers, when they write to me call me their child's mother.

Mothers take various forms, other forms than just the ones who give birth.

Get a copy of Families Are Different It might help you with this situation as they show so many diff. families

This is my opinon and I am sticking to it lol