[Lexie]

[quote=Mindybeth6]I agree that I do not want a race debate as I am not in the least bit racist. [quote]

Are you referring to my comments? That is curious as the title of this thread is First Racist Comments. I was simply asking why you were offended. I did not think the first comment by the child was racist at all. Just ordinary curiosity. How did my remarks turn this into a racial debate? I certainly did not think asking why you were offended implied you were a racist in any way.

[capt911k]

A co-worker of mine absolutely floored me with a coment at the start of our adoption process.

She asked me " HOw did you deside the race of your child?"

I am not an easy person to shock, But I was floored....

Race???? Huhhhhhh?????

I told her that "race" was never an issue for me. Just like gender , eye color, favorite Ice Cream flavor, education level...... Or anything else for the most part.

It really bothered me for a little while. To her credit that was the only coment of that type that she has ever made. In fact she has been extreamly supportive of the process and has always been asking for updates.

Some people just don't think out what they say before it comes out of there mouth.....

Lord knows I have been guilty of that a time or two.

[slingmommy]

Originally Posted by doghouse

Maybe the mom didn't give her daughter enough ritalin that morning?

Maybe you didn't mean it to be, but I find this comment to be incredibly offensive. ADD and ADHD are medical conditions and not something to joke about or ridicule. A comment like this is no more appropriate than saying "maybe the kid was just a 'retard'" -- and I hope we can all agree that that is an unacceptable response.

[slingmommy]

Add me to the group that thinks the little girl was expressing natural curiousity rather than racism. I agree that she didn't express it very politely, and certainly the mother should have stepped in and corrected her inappropriate phrasing/volume. But I don't see anything inherently wrong or racist about a child wondering why family members may not look alike. It's too bad that the child's mother didn't take advantage of this as a "teaching moment," but perhaps she was shocked and embarassed by her child's behavior and just didn't know HOW to handle it.

Since we, as (present or future) adoptive parents know that we are probably going to have to deal with situations/questions like this at some point, perhaps we can do some "pre-planning" about potential responses, so that we can take advantage of these "teaching moments" as they occur. I'm not saying that you did anything wrong, but perhaps the situation would have played out differently if, rather than ignoring the child, you'd responded with a matter-of-fact answer about all families being different (or whatever). I'm guessing that if you'd taken that step, the child's mother would have gotten over her embarassment enough to apologize for the rude way her child asked her question -- and then maybe she and her child would have had a further conversation about differences/diversity later. (Or at the very least, you'd have given her an idea about how to respond if/when the issue ever came up again.)

[Niclayson]

Scary. Scarier still is that people like this reproduce.

[brink]

In reading all the comments, I have to say that I'd hope we as adoptive parents don't take offense easily and also don't turn around and think rudely of other peoples' children. I agree that it's hard to attribute this to racism in a young child. I also wondered why you didn't just give some sort of answer to the child, but I know it probably took you by surprise. In giving an answer, I think it would have been helpful to your own child in knowing how to graciously handle insensitive comments, rather than possibly teaching her to take offense. One of my immediate thoughts also is that quite possibly this child herself has some issues of her own. Could the child have had any disabilities which could explain her behavior? We were just at a gathering where one child kept repeating the same phrases over and over, camping on one thing. I learned later that the child is autistic. There are a lot of sensory issues that kids can have which cause odd behavior, hearing loss, etc. It seems some here are jumping at the chance to call this woman and child "terrible", to be offended and assume a lot about this situation, without having been there to see the interaction...or lack of it. I have been guilty of being irritated with certain children and blaming their parents for not dealing with what I consider inappropriate behaviors. But I haven't walked in their shoes and I've had blessings I didn't deserve which have made me the kind of person I am. There but by the grace of God, go I. My kids have also done or said inappropriate things at times, much to my utter embarrassment.

Though I expect one day my kids will have to face some sort of racist comments or attitudes, I think it's really important for us not to make assumptions. Our kids will benefit from us teaching them not to look for it.

[astra]

Sometimes little kids really do say very insensitive and rude things. It could be that her mother was just very embarressed and did not know what to say, so she decided to remove her from that situation.

I think it would have been a good oppertunity to talk to the little girl about how families come in all different shades of the rainbow It could have been the first time she ever saw someone who didn't look like their Mom.

Or maybe I just give people too much credit! Either way I'm sorry you had to deal with this.

[AwaitingBeloved]

I actually don't think you handled it poorly. Good job, by the way. You didn't say something offensive to the child and you didn't act in a way to frighten or humiliate your child. Not always either to do either of these, let alone both. So, again, Good Job!!


I am guessing the reason you froze is because you recognized the innocence in this child who was very curious and confused. She may not be raised as a racist at all (though, who really knows?) but she could be leading a very main stream life, without much diversity in it yet and she could have just been curious. Not that it makes it easier to deal with or to hear. I have a niece who is 6 now, but when she was a baby, maybe about a year old give or take a couple months, her mother had her with her out somewhere at at store or something like this, and she saw her first black person. And our family is very white, very pale. We are the kind that burn to a crisp! Anyway, she was so used to just seeing us, all the time, that when she saw this person for the first time, she *screamed* and cried and was inconsolable. Her mother is not racist at all (nor is my brother!) so she was mortified and trying to comfort her daughter at the same time. My little niece is quite diversified now that she is in school, but maybe that is the case for this little one, too?


The only suggestion I have is if this happens again, maybe you can explain that you are your child's mother and your little one also has a birthmother, too. Try to explain it the way you would if you were a step mother, KWIM? Lot's of kids have more than one mom and more than one dad, it's just that adoption isn't all that out there yet.


I do think you handled this well. Did you do damage control with your little one since they're old enough now to understand some of this? Good work, truly.

[Kesti]

that rates right up there when someone at church asked me when my oldest daughter's hair was going to get kinky! people are ignorant. i said she is hispanic her hair will stay this way and the person said "what is hispanic" IDIOTS

[brink]

Please consider what little good name calling does and what it ends up looking like. That we who are trying to teach others about accepting and embracing differences would not be able to accept others who are different than us. Diversity also extends to those from other socio-economic and educational backgrounds. I'm always quite surprised that people who consider themselves educated would take to calling people names for not being either smart or sensitive.

[chica_latina]

I really need to come up with a response that reaffirms that we're proud of the way that she came into our family and that the idea that we would want her to pass as our biological child is ludicrous, as well as honors her heritage. Any suggestions?

Great question! .. I've always heard that you need to flip it around and take the focus of your child, bringing the focus on the entire family.... I'm absolutely horrible at coming up with responses, though.. Usually I just end up staring at people when they make a dumb comment.

Maybe you can say something like, "Yes, I think we make a beautiful family!" wink and walk away..

For closer friends and family, I would say "Yes, Guatemala is known for happy/beautiful people" ... These are just some thoughts... Maybe others have better ideas???

[LisaCA]

Originally Posted by Kesti

that rates right up there when someone at church asked me when my oldest daughter's hair was going to get kinky! people are ignorant. i said she is hispanic her hair will stay this way and the person said "what is hispanic" IDIOTS

not to hijack the thread, but hispanic is an umbrella that covers those classified as white, black and indigenous. this woman may have been inappropriate, but some hispanics have "kinky" hair. And at least she asked what you meant. The real "idiots" are those who don't know what you mean and don't ask for information.

people come up to people of color and multiracial families all the time and ask inappropriate questions. as some of the posters have said, it's best to have a pat answer to reply that turns it to them, such as "why do you ask?".