[dyardley]

We are due to fininsh our homestudy next week, and our USCIS fingerprinting is on Thursday this week. I'm also about 3/4 of the way through gathering all my dossier paperwork. I am having second thoughts now. I don't doubt I would love to adopt, my dh and I are even having dreams about our daughter to be. My dilemna is I have recently returned to work after working from home with since ds was born (he is now 4) and now dh is working from home and taking care of the day to day parental duties.

As a household we are making far less money (though I think we will still qualify) but I am beginning if my "I know it will be hard, but we can do it" attitude is really going to fly. My dh and I rarely see each other as he has his own business and leaves the house when I get home. We would have stay at home care for our dd to be, but still little time for dh and I.

Has anyone gotten to this point and decided to postpone the process? I know the homestudy and fingerprints are only good for 18 months, and with the future of the Guatemala program in question, this isn't the best time to be having second thoughts.

We have also already told our 4 yr old that we are trying to find a baby sister (I just can't keep a secret).

Having a really bad weekend trying to make a decision, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[jlinberger]

I feel ill equipped to give you any advice not knowing you guys. This is a big decision. Have you talked with your family and close friends about their thoughts? I admire you for tackling the big questions and not just jumping to add to your family if its not a healthy time to add. It's easy to get wrapped into the "I want" - our hearts often lead the way when perhaps we need to listen to our minds sometimes. I believe that if its not God's timing for you right now, and He has an eventual plan for a Guatemalan beauty, it will happen despite whatever the rumblings are about the program right now. Only you, your dh and family can really determine if its a good time to add a child to your home. Blessings in your decision. And again, I admire that you are really stepping away from your heart for the moment and making sure you decide what's best. Whatever that may be!

[cr653]

it could be that 'cold feet' or
OH MY GOODNESS WHAT AM I DOING
stuff that is going on in your head!

if you chose to add to your family before,
and you still want a little girl for your daughter,
GO...and keep going...
it takes a LOT of time to bring a little baby home,
and
you are SURE to feel a zillion emotions!

only you know how you feel,
but if your just scared, keep going!
if
it's other stuff, like your not sure this is what you want to do,
then take a pause and think it through,
Pray.
and
and see if a Mentor,
or someone you can trust who's not IN
the situation will pray for you too!

best to you in this emotional turmoil of adding to your family!

cris.

[curlyqgyrl]

This made me think of something that my old boss said to me after I got married ( we were close)
She said "Are you going to have kids soon? There will ALWAYS be a reason "not" to do it or something that makes you think you shouldn't or should wait. There will NEVER be a "perfect" time. If you want to have kids, have kids!"
That being said, its REALLY good you ARE thinking of the future and what would change....
Go with your gut. When we changed countries from Peru to Guatemala, we decided to wait about a year or so. And then all the sudden, like a day or 2 after deciding to wait, we just said "no, lets do it now". Just out of the blue, and it was just... right. And it felt right to.

[Mindybeth6]

When we started the process we completely knew there would be no turning back. And honestly...it couldn't be a worse time for us to adopt. We struggle with bills sometimes, I am getting ready to enter my final year of college so I can finally teach, and DH's hours are always changing at work. But we were sick of being a family of three and just knew that whatever happened we would make it work, somehow, someway. I am sure there will be times that it is stressful for us...but no more stressful then any other parts of parenthood. I am sorry that you are now questioning your decision. I hope that you make the decision that is right for your family....whatever it may be...and that you can have complete peace about it. I think if I didn' thave peace about this I wouldn't be able to continue. Good luck with everyone and let God lead the way...He has the perfect plan.

[wvamom]

Hi--

It sounds like you have several issues going on--you said you recently returned to work--I know that must put a lot more stress on you, time-wise (believe me, I know--I just work part-time but with 4 kids....). Not to mention the stress of being away from ds for a large part of the day, and missing him.

Then, you have the issue of not getting to see dh--that's a tough one, too. I once read from a wise person that "The best thing a dad can do for his kids is to love their mom." The point is, I think, that your marriage has to be a priority, even before the kids. I know this is hard, when job and child have such immediate time demands. But your marriage has to be on a firm footing in order to provide a stable home for children--and I know from experience that not getting to see your husband can result in more conflicts.

Then there's the stress of the unknown--the "Can I handle having another child? What will this child be like? Will he or she even like me? Will there be problems I didn't foresee?"

Here's something to think about--what would you be doing differently to work through those other issues if you weren't adopting?

Then, is there something in the adoption process that prevents you from doing those things to work through the other issues? If so, then perhaps you could work through the other issues first, then return to the "adoption" issue. If not, then it seems like the problem is not so much with the adoption as with other issues you are wanting to work through. Only you can say...


Wishing you the best...
Carolyn

[drmalcolm]

Hi dyardley,
There is so much good advice here already... I just wanted to post because I am only a few steps ahead of you in the process (although I'm with a different country's program). I thank you for posting this message, not only because I think you are very wise to examine your feelings, but also because I think there are other people out there who feel similarly.

We all have different breaking points... and by breaking point, I mean the point where the doubts come crowding in. For me, the paper chase and homestudy process took a lot more out of me than I thought it would. I am very organized, I work from home, I've raised a 9-year-old child... what's a few months of sending away for certificates and being fingerprinted, right? Oh... but don't forget the fact that you will have to have your entire dating, marital, medical, financial, and emotional history revealed to someone you've never met!

It got to the point that I became very combative and was ready to through in the towel at small things; for instance, on the boards, there was discussion that some agencies with our country program do not allow adoptive parents to use their own parents as guardians due to age. Before I discovered that my agency was fine with it, I thought, "What is this? I have to choose people I don't even want as guardians for my children just because they are younger? Well, forget this whole thing--too much of our lives are being changed!" It was silly, a small thing, but in my sensitive state, it was magnified to a point that seemed like every part of our lives had to change. In this prep stage, it's hard to see the child at the end of the journey.

I feel for you and, as I said, commend you for examining your feelings. For me, all of my prep stuff is done and we are in Immigration--the doubts have dissipated. But I think Carolyn made a wonderful point of looking at your life and thinking of what you might do differently if the adoption were not a part of it. In fact, it reminded me of that saying in Algebra, "isolate the variable." Hopefully reflection in that way can tell you if it's the impending adoption that is causing the doubts or another aspect of your guys' busy lives right now.

If it's the adoption, you don't beat yourself up over it. There is never a reason to feel guilty for making a decision that has the best interest of your family and your marriage in mind. Recognize that if you stop the adoption, you will probably grieve a bit, but believe in your decision.

I wish you the best! You are very brave and sound like a great mom and wife.

Christina

[dyardley]

"Here's something to think about--what would you be doing differently to work through those other issues if you weren't adopting? "

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my plea, your comments were all helpful.

I am going to work on this idea of Carolyn's and see what I come up with. I'm going to finish my homestudy and then step back and see where we are.

Thank you again.

[Devora]

While I never had second thoughts about our decision to adopt when we did, I do understand your concerns about not having time with your husband. My husband and I are both professors and we have scheduled our classes so that one of us is always home with our son (see one exception below). While this is great for our son (and financially saves us a lot in child care), it does present challenges for us as a couple. Here are some things we've done to make it work for our relationship as well as for parenting:

* We have a standing Saturday night babysitter. So every week we go out and do something together. It doesn't have to be dinner -- sometimes we run errands together, sometimes we browse in a bookstore, when it's warmer I imagine we might go for late evening bike rides or walks.

* We make sure that when my husband comes home from teaching evening classes that we take some time to sit down and talk. If we've both eaten supper already (on his late nights when he gets home at 9pm) we might sit and have a cup of tea or a bit of dessert together -- anything to make us sit down and have focused time together so it's not just "How was your day? Fine. Yours? Good. [watch news / go to bed]"

* I often delay my supper so that on my husband's earlier evenings we do eat together. When I feed our son I have some fruit or toast with him so that he's not eating alone. Then I have a late meal with my husband when he gets home.

* We are having a babysitter now for 6 hours on Mondays. This lets both of us get some extra work done at the office so that we're not constantly working when at home. We had noticed that it was like we weren't home together even when we were because one of us would be with our son while the other would be holed up in their office working.

* Every weekend we set aside clear family time to play, go out somewhere, go to a museum, etc.

I hope this helps. It really is so important that you have time together as a couple and as a family. They're both important.

Best wishes,
Stephanie