[pgalupo]

Ever since getting pink I have been so excited for this trip, running around getting everything ready, relieved that the day is almost here that Maya will be forever in my arms. . .and today it has finally hit me hard that my sister, Pilar, will not be here (physically) to hold the baby, to see her and be a part of her life. Mind you, I do absolutely feel my sister's presence. I also know that the way she lived her life combined with her presence now will always serve as a guiding force for us -- but I am still so sad. Her husband is going with me on the pick-up trip -- he said to me the other day that he is so sad because it should be my sister going with me.

Maybe it's fitting that I'm feeling some of this grief right now. . .this whole adoption journey for me has been about balancing the these two defining events in my life this year (my sister's passing and Maya's entrance into our family). Anyway, I just wanted to articulate some of what I'm feeling -- most people in my life are expecting that all I am feeling right now is extreme excitement, and it feels so much more complex than that (I'm even feeling a little nostalgic about the fact that my 13 year old and I have always been such a pair as I single parented much of her life -- we share an incredible bond.) I guess that transitions like this are good for reflecting. Maybe I'm realizing that after tomorrow I will be much too busy to reflect like this!

So thanks, again, to everyone who has supported me throughout this process. This forum has been amazing place to come to.

I will check in while in Guatemala and I hope to have pictures Monday to post. Thanks for listening.

-Paz

[kauai2k]

I think that your sister would be humbled and honored at the way you have carried yourself throughout these defining moments. You undoubtedly carry a great deal of emotion with you as each day passes. Certainly there will be plenty of times to reflect, but I do think that it's fitting how you are feeling the spectrum of emotion as you prepare for this amazing chapter to begin AND end.

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" (SemiSonic)

I wish you blessings and a safe trip.
diane

[amymole36]

Although I'm not very far along in this process I can understand your mixed emotions. My mom and best friend passed away in August and I'm having those same feelings. I know she will always be in my heart and she is a huge part of my soul, I only wish she were physically here to join me in this amazing journey. I can't even imagine how I will be feeling the day before we pick up our daughter.

I'm sorry for your loss, but in awe of your honesty and courage. Know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope all goes well on your pick up trip and that you feel your sister right there with you.

Amy

[mac308]

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I know your sister will be with you on your pick up trip. I am looking forward to seeing pictures. It's nice to hear of the bond you still share with yoru sister- nothing can break that!

Have a wonderful trip!!

Megan

[annaguat]

I understand what you are going through. Last October my mother died weeks after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. She lived long enough to see the referral pictures and video of her new grand children. She knew their names and said she loved them. I am crying just thinking back on everything. I profoundly miss her. When we got the news to travel I wanted to call her. I know she would have gotten little outfits for them. She would have wanted me to update her and would have asked me how the adoption was progressing and how the visit trip was. She was the one person in the world that I know would love the babies as much as we do. It is very hard. My mother left me with a strong sense of loving my husband and family. She wants me to go on and live life but I feel this immense void especially now we are getting ready to pick up the babies. If I would have know that she was ill we would have never started the adoption process at the time we did. But now it all worked out this way I am very glad as these little ones bring such hope, joy and healing over the loss of my mother. I hope you will find strenght during this time that is immensely joyful but also brings out the bitter sweet of missing your beloved sister. For me my faith in God and support form loved ones has and is what is carrying me through. Hugs, Anna

[KellyMigoya]

Wow I would feel the same way. Milestones are meant to be shared with our siblings especially sisters. Good luck and enjoy the moment knowing she is with you!

[melgrant]

Thank you for this very moving post. I didn't grow up with any sisters..... well, I have 3 bio sisters, but I was adopted "out" as a child and did not even know they existed until I was an adult. I've always wished for a sister, and wondered what it would be like to have one.

Your words are a wonderful testimony to the joy and bond of sisterhood. I have 3 daughters now, and I am so grateful to you for reminding me that even with all the ways I screw up as a parent, the fact that my girls have sisters is a gift ...

I am so sorry about the loss of Pilar, but I also read in your words of strength and courage the idea that her spirit lives on, and her love for you -- and yours for her -- will outlive you both. What a blessing!

I hope you have a wonderful pickup trip!

[SmileLaughLearn]

I know that your sister will be with you on the pick-up trip and always. It is so touching to hear about your love for her.

Have a wonderful trip to bring Maya Pilar home!

[linda512]

just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. I can't imagine how mixed your emotions must be, but I am glad that your sister lives on in your heart and your approach to life.
Good luck on your pickup trip.

[AddisonsMommy]

Oh Paz,

Your thoughts and feelings brought me to tears! Both happy and sad tears for you, during this time. It is such a complex whirlwind of emotions to endure, and you have done so with strength and dignity throughout this process. Your sister Pilar would be SO proud of you and how you have carried yourself!!

I know, that I know, she will be with you during this amazing time, bringing your little angel home. She will surround you with peace and joy, and in turn...you will hold that little baby in your arms and bless her, and kiss her gently, for your sister.

God speed, brave friend....we are here for you!!

Jen

[moelladeville]

I so know what you are going through. My younger sister died of cancer in the middle of my first adoption. The last conversation I had with her was from first visit trip to Guatemala in which I told her my son would carry her initials as his middle name (I didn't think giving a boy the middle name Kathleen would be too nice). She was so excited. I like that you have two with her name as a middle name. What a wonderful tribute.

But the grief hits me hard now and then. We were so close -- I know she would have been with me on my pickup trips. I'd be getting hand-me-downs from her children. We'd be sharing advice about school and toilet training and other kid-related things. Her husband has remarried and has little contact with our family -- I think it is hard for him, so I don't even see or hear from her children, which is hard. You are lucky her husband is still in your life. My sister will be gone three years this May, and it's still hard, so my heart goes out to you.

That said, like you, I still believe she is with me everywhere. We always talked about pennies from heaven, and while I was on my pickup trip for my daughter a few weeks ago, I saw US pennies everywhere I went, beginning on the plane and all over Guatemala. I found one in all three of our hotel rooms. So I take comfort in that kind of thing, and I hope you can, too.

So hugs to you. Your sister would be proud that you pushed through the grief to make a happy life for yourself and your family. She will be your guardian angel for your pickup trip to make sure things go smoothly. And look out for a penny or two from my sister!

Marjorie

PS Make sure you have all your documents before you leave Guate -- birth certificate, protocolo, translations, etc. Don't let what happened to me happen to you.

[cr653]

paz,
you are so strong to acknowledge and share all the variety of emotions.

the coming home of your new little daughter, is again, reminding you of the closeness you and your sister shared as she was such a part of this whole adoption for you.

im SO sorry she is not here to share this with you.
i cant imagine how you must feel. ((((a hug to you...)))

As for your older daughter, i empathize with your concerns!
With the addition of my little mira,
i worried about the impact of my littlest one at home....who had been our baby for so long.
While he is jealous (he's a preschooler) he is just fine!

when i added our second,
i AGONIZED over the fact that my oldest son would loose part of me....But, while he DOES share me, i will say the closeness we had when he was a toddler, still is there today!

So, if you and you daughter are close already,
im thinking that you will maintain that!
Even more so as she, too, will want to be a part of caring for her new sister!...
the two of you are sure to share many special laughs, smiles and conversations about Maya!
Little Maya, while needing LOTS of Your care and attention exclusively at first,
will most likely bring you and your older daughter Closer than ever.

As you know things will NEVER be the same,
you are sure to feel nostagia at the past, a bit of uncertainty of the future, and concern that 'it really will happen!'.

Your post is so FILLED with honesty!

Usually the 'im leaving for PU' posts are filled only with exuberance,
and leave out the feelings of anxiety, worry,
and other not so 'pollyanna' type emotions that Accompany almost everyone when they are about to embark on a new phase of life.

Thank you for share ALL of your feelings.

You are a really brave person.

May God comfort your heart in your saddness,
and be with you in your Joy!


looking for your 'im home' post!
cris.