[wannabamom]

I'm really sorry, but have to ask this question. I am a very religious person ususally. I believe in many religions, have gone to different places of worship and continue to pray everyday. But, when something goes wrong in my life (especially, for the past 11 years suffering from IF) and now, being stuck in the adoption process, I seem to start crying and feel so horrible and hate "GOD". which last only for a short while- Thank heavens!!!!! Am I abnormal in feeling this way, and I become so overwhelmed, and can't stop crying.... Well, then I recover and again have the faith that HE knows what he's doing, but it's so draining.. and I feel guilty... Am I alone in feeling like this?????

Thanks,

[Maggie Beth]

I think it is perfectly normal... I think doubt is always a part of faith... don't worry, God can take it! I don't think being religious necessarily means never being angry or confused or apathetic... Maybe try and meet with your pastor or religious leader to talk about these feelings. I will be praying for you!

[LeslieinGA]

I agree with Maggie Beth that doubt is a part of faith. There are some "whys" I want to ask Him when my time comes!

Don't give up. I will be praying for you. ((((Hugs))))

Leslie

[laura-jean]

It must be hard feeling like that.

In fact a guest preacher just taught on that Wednesday night at church.

It happens because we are human with feelings. Sometimes some of us seem to get handed more trials than others too and we don't understand. Sometimes our trials can even be a result of poor decisions we have made. (consequences) Not knowing or saying that pertains to you of course. I know it has to me though.

If you believe God's Word and that he is indeed good than you can have faith that he is working something out.

Sometimes he is teaching us, sometimes he is rebuking us, sometimes he is using our situation to work in someone else's life.

It's hard because he is not physically here in front of us.

Just trust His Word and go to it for answers and comfort.

One of my favorite chapters of the bible is Philipians chapter 4.

I will pray you you and am sad that you are having a difficult time. God is not a liar and knows what's best for us.

When I feel down I make myself do other things for people, especially those less fortunate and I get a better perspective.

I don't know where you are in the process of adoption but as you can see it is very rare that a child doesn't come home. It'll happen in His time and he knows what's best.

A huge hug to you!!!

Laura Jean

[KLS72]

I agree. I think it's normal to feel angry and often question "Why me?" You know, so often I see so many people just keep having children that don't want or appreciate them and it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I have known that I have wanted children since I was a little girl. I was so excited to be a Mom! When my son was born 3 months prematurely weighing a pound a half I asked God why a million times. Thank God my son is a healthy, thriving 6 year old today. God did answer my prayers. When we decided to try to have more children after much thought and consideration, we were struck with secondary infertility and suffered many, many losses. Again and again I have asked God why we have to suffer when we have so much love to give. Now our adoption process has been much more difficult than we thought...we were told that the process would take a year at most and here we are at 16 months and still don't have our baby home yet.
Sorry to be so long winded, but I guess I'm just trying to say I know what you are saying. Why has God chosen our path to parenthood to be so windy and difficult? I am comforted by the fact that I know that I appreciate my children and know what a gift they are to me. Not everyone is fortunate enough to learn what a gift it is to have a child. When you work extra hard for it, I think you never, ever take your children for granted.
Good luck and I hope you feel better.
Keri
Mom to Alex now 6 and Gabriel in Guatemala City

[wannabamom]

Thanks everyone,

It really is overwhelming-- And I'm an only child, and althoough cousins, etc... are close, it's just not the same... I feel so lonely and have a very difficult time dealing with my emotions!!!!!!!!! And I've some issues with almost everyone- want to avoid everyone since my IF, making myself, more lonelier than ever........ it's a vicious cycle and I really hope we can find a child soon and bring it home----

Thanks for letting me vent and for all your supporting words,

I really feel comforted by them,

[Clayton0122]

"...Tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope..."
Romans 5:3-4

That verse has kept me going for a while now. My waits have not been long but I know that I have sometimes questioned why things are going like they are. But like you I always come by to the fact the HE is taking care of it all. All of these troubles we go through will increase our patience and then on to HOPE. I know that he will bring our little guy home to us, when he is ready for that. Not when i want him home.

I am praying that GOD increases your faith and your patience and that your wait is short.

[karenB]

When things like this happen, its God who carries us through. The devil is who wants to test our faith. How we react to this test shows our character. I hope you can find your faith again. Remember faith as small as the grain of a mustard seed can move mountains. Matthew 17:20 I'm praying for you.

[widgit]

Yes! You are normal. Yes! Many people with very strong faith in God feel this way from time to time (i.e. David, Hannah, Moses, and many others).

The good news is that God is big enough to handle your anger and all your questioning. The Psalms are evidence of such. They are chuck full of really really hard questions directed at God, people feeling angry and depressed crying out to God, people asking 'why', and people saying to God 'my life is sooo unfair right now...why are you letting this happen' (my paraphrase). But my all time favorite is, "How long O Lord?"

If I could make a suggestion...try reading some of these psalms. I find that when I'm feeling this way, the psalms put words to my feelings and encourage me to talk with God even when I'm feeling upset with God at the moment. Many Psalms in the middle 2/3 of the book fit this pattern.

May you find strength and comfort in this valley.
((hugs))

[LCG]

Have you even read The Purpose Driven Life? It is the first book that I ever read that made me understand things more. I am a strong christian and have always gone to church but I did not have an understanding for why things in my life are the way they are until I read that book.

[lockharts]

Nope.. You are not alone.. I am so pissed off at GOD right now, I can't see straight.
So you are definately not alone.
I have prayed and prayed and all I get is one set back after another.. I am soooo tired and I can't do this anymore. It is making me crazy. I feel like I am loosing my mind.
Somedays, it takes all I have in me to get my feet on the floor and pick my body up out of bed. I hate feeling like this. I am so angry, because I think that God can change this in the blink of an eye. BUT HE DOESN"T!!!!! I am so **** disgusted. Sorry to vent.... this is a really bad day and week.. sorry

[mattecook]

To agree with everyone else yes you are entirely normal and human. I know for us when we were going through miscarriage after miscarriage and having to listen to well intentioned individuals tell us that God knows what he is doing etc I really didn't like him very much. I know that my husband also went through those feelings. I have also found that at those lowest of lowest times is when I have found the most strength and courage. When I didn't think I could go on any further and I would sit on the floor and just pray, cry and try to read the bible at those moments is when I felt God just simply holding me and telling me everything was going to be okay. The hardest thing we do every day is to give to him all our worries, dreams, and frustrations but he is bigger than all of us and believe it or not his plan and dream for us is bigger than we could ever imagine. I never dreamed that during the time in my life when we kept losing baby after baby that I would look back at that time in my life with wonderment that God really did have a plan. Do I miss each and every baby that I lost and miss the life that they didn't get to live here on earth? Very much so! But I can also say that struggling through that period of my life has made me relish in every moment of being a mommy. I truley know what it feels like to adore a child. To love her like noone else. God has given me the child that he knew was chosen for me. He has blessed me with two beautiful girls one who is in my arms and one who is waiting in Guatemala in the arms of an adoring foster mom. I hope that you regain that sense of strength very soon. Lean on someone strong. For me it is my dad who can put everything into perspective but someone in your church family, friend etc who is a strong christian go sit and listen to them. I am sure that they will be able to tell you about a time in their life when their faith was at an all time low and God helped them pick up their bootstraps and keep going. My Dad always reminds me that when God closes a door he opens a beautiful stain glass window and sometimes that window is all I have to focus on.

God Bless You
Ami

[BebitosMama]

A book that has helped me immensely is "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron. She talks about going through pain and difficulties, and how you can use painful emotions to cultivate wisdom, compassion, and courage.

It helped me a great deal when I reached points during the adoption process that felt unendurable, and when I questioned whether God was on my side.

Mary

[lunaschild]

I think we all have looked up at the sky and have asked "Why me"..
I never believed in everything happens for a reason 2 IVF'S , 5 IUI's
Where is my baby?.. As I began the adoption process my Mother began to get ill and the doctor said 1 year.. Well we got a little bit more of that, out of PGN when she was in the hospital - I took care of my Mom all the time I wanted her to see the baby it was a race against time and as you know you get no info from PGN...
I believe in God but cried , and asked WHY, myl Mom explained I could not take care of her and the baby and now that she was going the baby was coming - Needless to say God gave her a month with the baby and it was the best month for all of us... Yes everything happens for a reason Joshua saved me from going into a deep state of depression once Mom passed and the wait gave her a sense to hang on until he got home... God has a plan and as I have read from others, you dont know that plan until its all done...Sounds corny but oh so true.. So please hang in there everyones experience is different but we all have been in the blackhole and there is light..
And remeber we are all here as a sounding board....

[momlooks4pink]

I did not read all of the other post before I replied... but know there is a difference in religion and relationship. God does not want you to have a religion... he does not care about that, he wants you to have a relationship with Him. It is when we have our hands up fighting our battles that we need Him most. It is when we walk through our vallies and get angry with Him the most, that we discover Him and how to lean on Him most. Can I understand what you are going through, NO... but he can. He LOST a child. He gave him for us.
Is there anyone in the Bible who had sturggles like this... read Job... he lost everything. I believe that God wants you to be mad at Him, he wants you to tell him why you are angry. He wants you to come to him. In that way, you are having a relationship with Him and telling Him your daily heartcries.
Also know that your anger at God allows the devil to use it against you. It allows him the foothold to come in and make things worse.( Ephesians 4:26-27).
This is just my thoughts. I will pray that you find God in a way you never have before and that He will reveal Himself to you and give you a peace that you can only explain as coming from Him.
Ashley