[vickibunni]

We are thinking about quiting our adoption and I was wondering if anyone has ever heard of anyone doing something like this after getting a referral? We have had our referral for 8 weeks now with nothing happening. Our attorney made it to the window once for DNA last week and got turned down due to the birth certificate being wrong or some other stupid reason. We were told our atotrney would get this fixed and be ready to submit us the Embassy for DNA auth again this week. Well today we find out that she is having a hard time getting this new BC and it may take weeks of her begging to get it done...and then it make take more weeks or months to get the DNA auth. We also found out that we are in one of the non adoption friendly FC and that FC has done NOTHING with our file either. I knwo that you can't expect a perfect adoption and that I shouldnt be so upset and that many others have it so much worse, but I also know that I never thought that I would face sooo many rodas blocks this soon on. My referred child will be 3 months old soon and at the pace we are moving I think it will seriously take a year or more to bring her home. I don't feel prepared to continue an adoption that is full of so many problems in every aspect of the adoption. I really never imagined having an adoption go this bad when using an agency that is supposedly so well respected in Guatemalan adoptions. I was definitely prepared to have some delays and wait during this process, but I never expected to have EVERY single part of this adoption go horribly wrong. We have had a lot of emotional losses recently and I am not sure I can go through another one right now. My heart is just breaking everyday for this child that seems like she will never be mine. I don't think I am prepared to bring home a child who is almost a year old and the biggest reason we choose Guatemala again and specifically our agency is the age of the children. We have saved for many many years for this second adoption, but I really don't think that I can do it anymore. Everyday my heart aches to hold this baby and I don't really think I have it in me to make it through a lengthy process with such huge problems from the very beginning. There is no end in sight to this either.


Vicki

[Mommy2twins]

I can't help but think that your intuitions are probably right. If you feel this uneasy now it can only get worse as time goes on and you get more invested; emotionally / financially.

[calikismet]

Technically, the term "disrupted adoption" refers to relinquishing parental rights only after the adoption has been compeleted -- meanng after a judge has indicated that the child is legally yours, you essentially say that you no longer want the child to be your legal child. At this point, this little one is not your adoptive daughter, so you would simply terminate the adoptive proceedings, but not disrupt.

I am so very sorry that you have been through all of this. I cannot offer any advice, as I am a convert from the Russian board, but encourage you to have a very frank talk with your agency about your fears and feelings. They may be able to shed some light on it all...

Best of luck to you.

[holliam]

You need to have a discussion with your agency about this. But, I'll be frank with you. You need to really look deep within yourself to determine if you are really prepared to take this on. What will you do if you stop this one, get a new referral, and hit roadblocks again? Everyone wants a smooth and fast process. But, for some of us the journey is more difficult.

We lost our first referral after 7 months and a wonderful visit. Our daughter's process got caught in Civil Registry scandals, PGN over turn, lots of stuff that simply was no one's fault. Purely bad timing.

We accepted her referral in mid 9/04, and we did not have pre-approval until mid 1/05. She finally came home at almost 8 months old, nearly 17 months after we started our adoption journey. I honestly thought we had missed so much of the baby stage, but she really was still such a baby then. I felt like we had her home just when she was starting to learn all kinds of fun things.

Good luck with your decision. I know it's hard. I know it just is unfair at times. But, it may be the path to your child; only you can decide!

Holli

[brink]

I am sad reading your post for your fears and heartache. The things I am going to say are not meant to hurt you any further, but your post concerns me more than some who are just frustrated over waiting. Eight weeks is not unusual, no matter what some with shorter timelines will say. The things you are characterizing as going terribly wrong are not atypical in the Guatemalan process, even if things might be occuring which are indeed "wrong" as far as who is holding things up and for what reasons.

I think Holli is right in suggesting that you need to step back and consider some important things and have a good talk with your agency and/or social worker. What if this IS the only way to the child that is meant to be yours? Would you stop, knowing that one day this child could be yours "for keeps"? If you knew the joy this child (or any child) might one day bring to your family, would you not be willing to sacrifice whatever you could to bring her home? As a mother, I know this waiting is extremely difficult, yet what wouldn't we go through to have our child in our arms one day?

Sometimes, reading posts on these forums, I truly wonder what agencies are telling their clients? Guatemalan adoptions have always been frout with long waits. A lot of the issues people discuss on this forum are not new to this process, only frustrating to a new set of adoptive parents. Yes, some children come home at a fairly young age, but the norm for this process is a few months in each phase along the way. That might mean a child will come home sooner...or much later than hoped for. Agencies which paint this process as a quick way to build our families are not doing any of us any good, not being honest about some of the possible "snags" along the way due to cultural differences in work ethic, etc. To be honest, I get very frustrated and angry to think some agencies are giving the impression that the best adoption is all about very young infants.

As a mother who waited 14mo for our first 4yr old son to join our family in 1998, 14mos for our second 4yr old son in 2000, and well over two years for our 10yr old daughter (waiting for abandonment and going through Hague) last February, I am here to say as difficult as the journey can be, the final destination is so much more than worth it!

Only you can decide if it's a truly child you want one day in your family...or if mentally and emotionally you are focused on merely having the opportunity to parent a young infant. In the long run, they all grow up and become children and turn into teenagers and leave home. It is a joy and a challenge to parent them at each stage. As amazing as the infant stage is, children still need families when they are three, twelve, or eighteen. I guess you need to decide what it is you want down the road. If it's a child you want in your future, then I encourage you to hang in there. If it is just too difficult to wait and you can't picture yourself jumping into parenting this or any child at a later age and stage, then maybe international adoption isn't the answer for your family.

I think one thing that's important to think about when adopting is that it really isn't just about us having the opportunity to parent...but it's also about providing a loving family and safe home for a child who needs both.

[csw]

Can you PM me with who you are using? Is there any way your agency could change the lawyer on her adoption? Sometimes its hard for the pbirthmom to make the apointments because of working, living outside the city etc..could this be why FC is being slow? We were in the infamous slow FC and it took us 2 months to get out..then it took us 4 months for DNA, but that was because the Embassy wasn't issuing the authorizations d/t the Hague..

I know how hard it is to desperately want a young infant..I had induced lactation..gained 45 lbs..was pumping every 2 hours round the clock etc..and was supposed to go down and foster when she was 3 days old for the whole 4 months we were PROMISED by our agency her adoption would take..when the Hague hit we were so devestated..my dreams of a long nursing relationship were shattered..my dreams of fostering the whole time were gone..my dreams of having a newborn were gone..it is a huge loss..we tried for 9 years to have a 2nd child..and when we finally had a referral
(we had chosen Guatemala over China because the babies were a few months younger when home) and then to have to wait 5 months to get INTO FC was so hard..

I wonder if these problems are because of this particular attorney or what..is is possible to have her case transferred to another one? I know this isn't usually done..talk with your agency..if they truly feel her adoption will go on for another 10 months and you didn't want to parent a toddler age child..then I guess you could lose this referral and try again with a new lawyer etc..but like Holli said..what if the next babies adoption case has problems as well? Hopefully you will get some answers from your agency and feel free to PM me anytime..

[wvamom]

Vicki,

How well I remember the feeling that we would never get through the process--just putting together a dossier is a huge accomplishment. Then, when you get that sweet picture of that baby, it seems like you are almost there, already! And that you will have that child in your arms before you know it.

Then the reality of the process starts to sink in. And the many uncertainties, as well. It does take some emotional strength to keep going, even not knowing how long it might be until you are through (just look at the experiences of some of our forum friends to see).

And if delays come, it seems like forever. We brought our son home at 11 months--he was referred to us at 5 months--a relatively short process--and when we went for pickup, there was another couple there who was picking up a 21 month old--who had been referred to them at 2 days old. Their process was just that long--I couldn't really tell you why. They said that everything went wrong that could go wrong.

We became friends with that couple during that trip--now I get frequent updates from them on their daughter, and there could be no more doting parents than they. Although they were saddened and frustrated by how long the process took, and I'm sure by the milestones they may have missed, I don't think they thought their daughter was any less valuable for being almost two when they received her. They are loving parenting her--and she is a beautiful child, three years old now. Although they missed the first months, they get to have the next 50 years or so with her--and have a family legacy that will live on even after they're gone.

From what you are saying, I know it must seem impossible to you at this point that you would get to bring your child home in a short period. And, realistically, you may bring home a 6 month old, or a 12 month old, or older. I wish the process were faster, but...this is a foreign country, and we are subject to the way they do things.

I hope you can find it in yourself to stick out the wait--your forum friends are here to support you, to offer advice if you ask, to give you a shoulder to cry on, and, even better, to rejoice with you when that day comes that you bring your child home! The frustration will fade with time, but the blessings continue. The rewards are well worth the wait--I have heard that said by, I think, every adoptive parent on this forum who has already brought home a child.

Best wishes to you.
Carolyn

[JohnnaMJH]

Hi there, I am not sure if there really is a big problem with your attorney. That can truly be a nightmare and I'm not trying to minimize it. Your gut feeling may be right. But, we had our referral in late Feb and our DNA wasn't done until the end of April. We didn't have all of our dossier done, so it wasn't a huge deal to me, but all the same, our son did come home at the end of August. I just wanted to throw this out as a case where the start looked slow on paper, but things actually went pretty well. Our son was 6 weeks at referral and 7mos when he came home.

Good luck in whatever you decide. If I learned anything from my two year wait for our fourth child, it is that I have limits and I need to be aware of them and respectful of them.

[Anne22]

Vicki --

I would like to echo Brink's post. The problems you have experienced are, unfortunately, pretty common to Guatemalan adoptions, from what I understand.

In any event, I hope that you do talk to your agency and caseworker about all of this. One thing that I've heard is that the attorney can pull the file from Family Court #3 (the court that is particularly unfriendly to adoptions) and refile in another family court. Perhaps that is something that can happen in your case, should you choose to pursue it.

[kadkins]

So sorry to hear that you are having a hard time with your wait......it can be VERY emotional! Please take time to consider all the options before you give up, if you truly want to bring another baby into your family. We accepted the Referral of our baby girl on May 2 - her DNA test was not completed until June 27 - the wait was KILLING me (we actually lost the Referral of our first son three months after accepting him due to the DNA test). We were in the FC that is not adoption friendly as well, and we found out that we were out of Family Court and entered PGN around August 21 - a week later, I was just trying to see when we would receive photos because the only photos we had received were Referral photos, and they notified me that we were out of PGN! I was SO SURPRISED!!!!!!! We were in for 6 weeks with our son and only 8 days with our daughter........so, to make a long story short, we were praying to have her home by Thanksgiving or Christmas because of all the "early" delays, and she was in our arms forever on September 5 at 5 months old So, although one step may be very long, you may slide right through the remainder of the process with no delays. Keep your chin up and since you have done this before (I think around the time we adopted our son) - you know how rewarding it is!!!! I will keep your family in my prayers!

[Evansmommy]

I understand being emotionally drained, but your timeline does not seem unusual. The baby to which we were referred was born on November 29th. He is almost 4 months old and we still do not have DNA authorization. However, this doesn't mean that things aren't happening with the case. While we were waiting for I-171H, the case was being translated, and entering Family Court. Then, there are meetings with the pbirthmom and reports to write. I know it's hard, but this all takes time and 8 weeks seems really short to me. We feel that our process has gone pretty smoothly even though we do not have DNA yet. When I think about the time that I am missing with him, I remind myself that we will have an entire lifetime to share. Sometimes this helps. As others have stated, I would have a frank discussion with your agency about the details of what is going on. I know that it helps me to hear even the smallest movement on the case. The reality is that the US requirements are adding more time to the timelines--and we perhaps need to readjust our expectations.

Our prayers are with you.

[mattecook]

Oh Vicki seeing this post makes me sad for you. I know your ache to bring home a daughter as young as you did your first and that is always the hope. But I really don't think that the answer is to terminate your referral in this case. With our first adoption we received our referral May 14 and got DNA done July 10 so nearly 8 weeks and we still brought Emma home at 6 months. I know that I have told you that before in hopes that you would find some comfort in it. I will be praying for you and your family

Ami

[mombyfaith]

We accepted our daughters referral at 4 days old, and she is now 13 mos old and still in pgn.
Yes, I accepted a referral very young so that I could bring home our baby as young as possible.
NOW, I just want to bring home "MY DAUGHTER", no matter how old she is!
Has it been hard, you better believe it! Harder than even losing our biological daughter, worth it? I know without a doubt it is worth it.
God never said things would be easy for us, he said "He would never leave us nor forsake us". I know HE is in control and our daughter will come home. She will come home "In His perfect timing".
Sorry for the sermon, the pastors wife in me just slipped out, I guess.
I pray that you make the right decision, right for your family, and right for that baby girl that desperately needs a home.
Good luck to you!

[luv2teach2]

I received a referrel in Sept 05 and did not get my DNA until Feb 06. I too was hoping to have my DD home before six months but that is obviously not going to happen. I have had alot of ups and downs in this process but as I told my family as long as she is healthy when she comes home that is all that matters at this point. Yes it is very hard, but like others before have said, whose to say that a long process would not happen again.

[rdority]

Vicki,

You have to follow your heart on this one . . . there is no right or wrong decision, and no one can make it for you. The child you bring home will be the child you were meant to have. Get as many facts as you can . . . don't let outside pressures sway you . . . and go with what you think is right for your family.

We didn't have the same situation you did, but we had many "issues" regarding our adoption. Our agency, family, & friends gave us a lot of advice aobut what we "should" do. Ultimately dh and I did what we thought was right for us and I am sooo happy we did.