[alyssa&avery]

Vicki,

I've pondered your post all day along with the responses that you've received so far. I honestly considered not posting my thoughts, but since you asked for input I'll throw out my .02's worth.

I would think that at this point in the process it would be the easiest to stop the adoption. Since FC, DNA are not done and you're not in PGN it shouldn't be that difficult. Hopefully, someone would accept the referral of a slightly older baby especially since it's a little girl.

With that said, are you really, really sure that you want to halt it? I don't know how well you've been keeping up with things in Guatemala, but it does seem like DNA auth and FC do seem to be taking a while. Does this mean that the rest of the case will proceed like this? Maybe, maybe not. The fact is that no one ever knows how long the process will take or how old the child will be when he/she comes home. FWIW, DNA was not done for either of my cases until 8-10 weeks after referral.

Even though you stated differently in your post, I think that you had some expectations about how old the baby would be at pick up and how long the process would take. Unfortunately, that's an easy thing to do but also a very bad thing to do to your emotional well-being. I also wonder why you opted to start such an emotional process when you've had recent emotional losses considering that you've adopted from Guatemala and know how emotionally trying that it can be. You've gotten some really great advice here and I hope that you take the time to read it. Perhaps if you take the time to step back and reexamine your expectations you may find that you're able to continue.

Your post didn't say whether you would consider accepting another referral, but I hope that you wouldn't right away until you've had some time to sort things out. Perhaps that would be best for all concerned since I wonder how difficult it would be for you to bond and attach with this child. Not to be cruel, but I just wonder if you're ready to proceed with any adoption.

If after careful consideration you decide that you can't continue, I wish you all the peace in the world with your decision. I also hope that the baby involved is able to find her forever family.

[parents2be]

I am sorry you are feeling this way!
I ,as well of a lot of families who went through the Hague Treaty mess also had avery long wait and it was awful.
We started our process Dec.02 and didn't get our son home until Apr 2004.
He was 14 months old but he definately worth the wait!!
It is a very emotional thing,to adopt no matter how long it takes, I probably cried every day in the final months not knowing if or when he would be home.
Do what you think is best but no adoption is perfect or goes smoothly.
Only you know how your emotions can handle this so you need to do what you think is best for you.
Good Luck,
Pam

[pvellozo]

i am sorry that you feel so hopeless. i hope you are able to find the right answer.

[guatmom4113]

I think the longer you hold on the harder it is to let go. If you are not willing or prepared to bring home a child who is a little older, then I would definitely talk it over with your agency. LOL

[Mary Mulcahy]

Just to let you know that even in 2004 things like getting PA were also slow but you can make progress later on. Ricco was referred June 25 th and DNA was not done until September 8 or so. PA wasn't issued until September 29 and I had him home November.

You cannot predict your time line. Would you turn a child down for having curly instead of straight hair. You cannot predict a lot of what happens. How can you put the blame on the child. I know the agency you are using and its always gotten very good reviews, sometimes life throws us a curve and we just have to go with it. It seems to me like you are not ready to proceed with a second adoption if you are not willing to make the sacrifices of waiting. I think the suggestion of counseling is well worth your while to consider. And as others have said, a second referral may not be any better. Think it over before you make your decision
Mary, mom to Danny and Ricco

[apetry26]

Well I am not going to say anything that hasn't already been said. You and your husband should probably do some soul-searching on this one. You have to do what is best for your family. I think ALL of us on this board can empathize with how your feeling.. I have had all of those emotions too- just look at my timeline. We've had NOTHING but delays and set backs this whole process, but my motivation and focus is and will continue to be my daughter and bringing her home. She just turned 7 months old and we were referred when she was a few weeks old. Yes, we have missed many milestones and firsts, and that breaks my heart, but it's only for a little while. I just look forward to the future with her. We have spent the past 19 months planning a future with a daughter.. Please talk this over with your agency and get thier opinion. They probably have some words of advice for you- Good luck.

Angie

[Dachshund]

I don't want to hijack this thread but I must thank everyone who responded for helping put things in perspective. We too are waiting 2 months for DNA Authorization and our little boy will be 5 months in two weeks. Before beginning this process I was enamored by the idea of having a "baby" home by 4-6 months. When we accepted the referal of Antonio he was already almost 2 months, so then I adjusted to 6-8 months at homecoming. I suppose I still hold out hope that any day this could clear up and the rest of the process could go smoothly but I accept that when he is meant to come home he will. We are going to visit, even without DNA, and feel honored to meet this amazing little boy and get to spend time with him. Ultimately what I think is "best" for him is not my decision, at least not yet (I hope one day it will be).
I know this is not an easy decision but I hope realizing that you are in a VERY large boat will help you cope. It certainly has helped me.
THANK YOU ALL (now row, row, row...)
Melissa

[rrrajan]

your timeline seems pretty normal to me. and remember, even if you stopped this adoption and accepted another referral, your timeline is likely to be similar, and, potentially, remember it could be worse. there are no guarantees in this. and, things change all of the time with no warning. every case is different and while there are rule of thumb timelines to go by, it is the rare case that you have each milestone go by with lightening speed.

i wish you luck, hang in there

[ZTALDY]

Hello.

I come in from the Russian board from time to time. I wanted to add my 2 cents. I assist families during the "dossier stage" of the adoption process. It is true that there are many families that have been delayed due to the Embassy. This is very hard on all of those who have it this road block I am sure. One thing that I tell my parents in the beginning is that there are things that happen in the adoption process that neither them or the agency have any control over. When giving out estimation of timelines for the adoption process I make sure that the parents know that what I tell them is simply that, an estimation. Its very difficult to compare one adoption to another..even if they are with the same facilitator and attorney. I would be afraid if you turned down this referral you still would be stuck in the same delays with a new referral. We got delayed during our Russian adoption due to a database error, we waited 6 months during that delay. It was REALLY tough and there were times I thought I could not make it one more day. Yes, we too wanted him home under a year. He was 18 months when we came home. But during that delay we decided to adopt 2 at the same time and our youngest was born during our 6 month delay. Then again we got cought up in the summer slow down in Russia and had another 8 week delay. So I know its tough. If you choose to stick it out like so mnay of us have, you will look back and be so greatful that you did. BUT you have to do what is right for you and your family and more importatnly for the child. Please take some time to make this decision. If you are not 110% sure that you want this child as part of your family then it is not fair to that child. I am not saying this to be mean or hurtful. Please do not take it that way. You may think I dont have a clue about Guat. adoptions but I work with my families 7 days a week. I know how these delays are hurting them and making the process more difficult. Ok..I am getting off my soapbox

[shellysarita]

I understand where you are coming from as I had my heart set on bringing home a young baby. I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones to bring home a 4-5 month old. After a year of 4 pregnancy losses, I felt it was my turn. I'm sure a lot of the women here feel that way - we've paid our dues through heartache, now let's get to the good stuff.

I actually struggled after accepting our referral because it took almost a month from when we accepted the referral until our paperwork was in Guat. and our referral was a month old when we accepted her.

I came to realize that this child needs a home and she doesn't get to choose her agency, her attorney, or her parents or foster parents. It isn't her fault that the process is slow at times. It isn't her fault that her DNA test wasn't done until she was 3.5 months.

If you decide to continue with this referral, I highly recommend you visit. This made it so much more clear that the adoption process wasn't about getting a little baby, but about this child that I am absolutely in love with. She is the daughter of my heart and I will wait for her. She's so worth it (but I still want her home, like yesterday!).

I hope these responses are not offending yoiu or making you feel inadequate as an adoptive mommy-to-be. I think these issues and doubts are common and you were very brave and honest to share them with us.

Love, Shelly