[ThenTheyDo]

I saw Guatmom4113's post, and it made me laugh.... not because what that horrid woman said was funny or anything less then outrageous. But because it made me realize how lucky we are to have this great, supportive group of people who understand. Sometimes I feel like almost no one else "gets it"

When we lost our baby in Russia after the visit trip, and right before pickup, people said all kinds of innocent and well meaning things to us - like:
"It's ok, there are lots of children in this world who need homes" (would anyone say this to a couple who lost their bio child???? And - by the way - how does it make it better that kids have a hole in their hearts as big as ours????)
"You're better off. Maybe he was meant to get a horrible disease, or die young, or be a murderer" Don't even get me STARTED on this one.
"It's G-d's will" I am a deeply religious person, but I don't believe it's His will to cause us, and this child the pain of yet another separation and loss, to have this child living in the circumstances he is now, and frankly -- I don't think G-d should have to take the blame for the Russian government and their cockamamie laws.
"You'll get a better one" ARGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now, while waiting for the GCBC, I have to have some surgery. And what does a colleague say to me today? "Maybe G-d is having the baby take so long so you have time to recover from your surgery"

I just said, well then if your version of G-d is so accomodating, why'd he make it so I'd NEED surgery in the first place?

It's not the mean people who worry me, it's the thoughtless ones....

[JLStoltzie]

I agree and love to be able to vent. I know my friends and family try to understand but they just don't "get it". I know EXACTLY how you feel.

The comment that bothers me constantly is when people say "I would never have given her away". I don't even have to go into how offensive and naieve that comment is! It infuriates me. I always try to politely explain but it still hurts sometimes.

"Until you've walked in their shoes...."

Jenny

[wvamom]

I'm sorry you're having to endure such insensitive comments--adding to the stress and pain of surgery. It's just not right.

I wish there were an easy answer as to why God allows suffering. I certainly don't have one. I do know that God has used my times of struggle to build my character and draw me closer to Him--but that doesn't make me eager to sign up for more suffering, for sure!

I'm praying for you.
Carolyn

[DPline]

I am so sorry. We have been very lucky and not had any horrible comments since our kids came home, but after we lost our first referral who died at 2 1/2 months old, the comments we got. As you said, innocent and well meaning, but terrible. Very similar to the comments you got when you lost your first baby. And they really hurt. During a time when we were already devistated.

You have my prayers that your surgery will go well, and you will have your child home very soon.

(((hugs)))

[Kesti]

Just so you will know, yes people say cruel things when your bio baby dies as our daughter died 4.5 years ago at 16 months old after trying to recover for 6 months after an open-heart surgery. Someone said to me, you can borrow one of my kids when you need a hug, another said I know how you feel my dog died, another said just have another baby, etc. etc. Then after we adopted numerous people have said Now that you have replacement children you don't miss your daughter anymore do you?

It never stops. I do understand. People need to think before they open their mouths and speak.

Originally Posted by ThenTheyDo

I saw Guatmom4113's post, and it made me laugh.... not because what that horrid woman said was funny or anything less then outrageous. But because it made me realize how lucky we are to have this great, supportive group of people who understand. Sometimes I feel like almost no one else "gets it"

When we lost our baby in Russia after the visit trip, and right before pickup, people said all kinds of innocent and well meaning things to us - like:
"It's ok, there are lots of children in this world who need homes" (would anyone say this to a couple who lost their bio child???? And - by the way - how does it make it better that kids have a hole in their hearts as big as ours????)
"You're better off. Maybe he was meant to get a horrible disease, or die young, or be a murderer" Don't even get me STARTED on this one.
"It's G-d's will" I am a deeply religious person, but I don't believe it's His will to cause us, and this child the pain of yet another separation and loss, to have this child living in the circumstances he is now, and frankly -- I don't think G-d should have to take the blame for the Russian government and their cockamamie laws.
"You'll get a better one" ARGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now, while waiting for the GCBC, I have to have some surgery. And what does a colleague say to me today? "Maybe G-d is having the baby take so long so you have time to recover from your surgery"

I just said, well then if your version of G-d is so accomodating, why'd he make it so I'd NEED surgery in the first place?

It's not the mean people who worry me, it's the thoughtless ones....

[DaughterBound]

I agree with your pain...I identify with it. I heard every horrible comment in the book when our first referral "situation" happened last year(long story). But, over time, I have realized that it is no good to point the finger at them. I choose to learn from the things they have said...as in: I hope that I can always stop and think and put myself in that others person's shoes before I speak from now on. But, the reality is, I won't always succeed. We, like them, all say incredibly insensitive things a lot of the time! Maybe not on this topic, because we understand. But maybe on a different topic that we haven't personally experienced. It is a bit of the human condition! I am not saying what anyone said to me (or to you) was ok, I am just pointing out that we just have to accept that they haven't experienced what we have. In this way, I am thankful and grateful to God that I went through the painful situation I did. It is the only way God could work an entirely new perspective into me. He has softened me. He has made me more compassionate and sensitive. I praise Him for this gift! (I really needed it!) I look back at all the times in years past when I very likely was that person saying the stupid thing. It was out of ignorance, not meanness. So, now I choose to offer other people the mercy and grace to try to overlook their ignorance, and if I can do it in a loving, polite way, take the opportunity to explain to them the depth of feelings involved.
Sorry so long...... just wanted to maybe add another perspective here.
Leah

[Maggie Beth]

Originally Posted by ThenTheyDo

"It's G-d's will" I am a deeply religious person, but I don't believe it's His will to cause us, and this child the pain of yet another separation and loss, to have this child living in the circumstances he is now, and frankly -- I don't think G-d should have to take the blame for the Russian government and their cockamamie laws.

My response to this one is, "How do you know what God's will is?" It is pretty presumptuous to assume you know what God's will is for someone else's life and family. It is not God's will that we suffer, in my belief... I have faith that God is the first to experience a broken heart when one of his children is suffering or in pain.

[Parodess]

For anyone here who is able to have bio kids but chose to adopt -- how did people respond to your announcement?

We haven't started the adoption process yet (I'm ready, but DH isn't yet), but we're strongly considering it. When I mentioned it to my 9yo's friends' parents, I was shocked at their reaction. They all acted like I was either crazy or stupid.

Now, I realize that several of them want more bio kids but can't have them for various reasons. That hasn't been a problem for us (I have 3 girls -- 1 step, 2 bio), so I guess they don't understand how I can be able to have kids but choose not to. Still ... I was very disappointed that no one was more supportive of the idea. Luckily, I have friends who WILL be supportive, but it was quite deflating to say it out loud for the first time -- "We're thinking of adopting" -- and to have everyone react like I was crazy. Not what I'd hoped for.

I realize this is a little different from the other posts ... sorry!

[DaughterBound]

My father told me that "adopting is only for people who are desperate." Does that give you any indication of how they reacted to me telling them my plan? We have two bio boys and I wanted a little girl and I always knew I wanted one from Guatemala. It was just in my heart that way! It was very rough for us on both sides of the family....no one had ever adopted in my family or DH's before. So it is foreign....it's like: I am going to pick out a child a call her mine and your are obligated to love her as a grandchild/niece/etc. -- that was what they felt I was doing to them I could tell. But, over time, they grew to accept the idea, even if they didn't embrace it. Now she is here and they adore her!
Leah