[HileryS]

Hi everyone-
I am 25 and we are adopting a DD. We are totally excited and happy that we are starting our family by adoption. We tried for 3 years to get pregnant and decided after one hospital visit for IUI that we did not want to continue infertility treatments.

My question to everyone who has experienced this is.... when will I finally not have the twang of resentment or jealousy when I hear someone I know is pregnant? I hate it! I want to be happy and I excited for them but all of a sudden this strange feeling will pop up and I feel bad. This feeling comes even when I know I am excited to adopt and I feel like this is what God intended for our family.

I hope no one feels like I am wierd, I just feel frustrated by my own feelings. Is this something that just takes time? How long? I imagine many woman just have procreation instincts so it must be fairly normal but I hate it.

Thanks everyone,
Hilery

[KellyMigoya]

You really won't but you will learn to deal with it and someday you will know that there was a greater plan and you will be so happy to have the children that you have. It is just that you do not get to experience something that others do and it is a loss that time helps you come to terms with.

[havensd]

Hilery. I know exactly how you feel because I have the same feelings. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up over your feelings. Take care.

[JohnnaMJH]

Well, I was able to have 3 bio kids but then no more. I feel very blessed to be able to have adopted our two and be a Mom of five. But, I still feel a twang of envy, or occasionally even extreme sadness, when someone I know get pregnant. The hardest is when they do not want to be and are upset that it happened when they weren't planning it. I know their feelings are valid, but sometimes it really hurts me too.

Hang in there. I think you just get to a place where you accept that this was the plan for your life.

[wannahave3]

For me, the feeling lessened considerably once I had my son in my arms forever.

It went away all together when I knew we were finished at three kids.

I'm so sorry for your pain and I promise you it will get easier, hang in there

[mcnay1]

Hilery, Your feelings are not weird or abnormal. You might always have these feelings, and that is totally ok. You will learn to deal with them. I struggle with all this as well right now. My best friend just had their first child and I didnt think I could get through those 9 months but, I just kept telling myself that one day we would have our little guy in our arms and that this was God's plan. It doesnt make it any easier, but it does give it some justification. Allow yourself to grieve and feel the way that you do. I find that once I have a good cry, then I can cope and deal with it a bit better. Hang in there and keep thinking about having your little girl in your arms...
Katy

[bekalynn]

I understand how you feel.

For me, it was when my son was forever in my arms.

He is napping (for those of you who read my napping thread, WAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) in the next room, in his crib... he looks so sweet and peaceful. He's my precious son. The fact that I didn't give birth to him is so insignificant to me.

Up until we had our travel dates, I would still get pangs of sadness over not being able to get pregnant, especially if a friend or family member announced a pregnancy or gave birth. Like you, I did not go through extensive infertility treatments, I had another path to follow. The pain lessens, I think it just is different for each of us on 'how'.

Now, I am able to celebrate the births and pregnancies of my friends and family. Especially since I am SO blessed to have such a supportive circle of people around me to celebrate my son as much as I celebrate their children!

Chin up. It will get easier! Don't be hard on yourself!

[vickibunni]

My sister in law is pregnant and it is sooo hard on me. I just know that is she has her baby before mien is hoem from Guat that I am goign to be soo sad mising my bayb while she has her NEWBORN baby here. It is not the pregnancy part that bothers me as much as kowing that by July my baby will be 7 months old and might not even bo home yet and she will have her tiny newborn baby reminding me of everyting we have missed. To make it worse we seee each other at least 2 a week and they live about 3 miles from us so it will be all around us almost constantly.

[gravesl]

Ditto

I feel the same and right now I know 4-5 people who are expecting...ugggggggghhhhhhh!!!
I hope the feeling will as others say lessen when Bella is home forever

[ej-momtobe]

Hilery,

Think of the benefits of not going through pregnancy...no morning sickness, no stretch marks, no saggy boobs from nursing. I know I sound materialistic or shallow by saying this, (my first choice too was to get pregnant, but that didn't happen) but to me the pregnancy itself never sounded like it would have been much fun. You can celebrate your expected child, the same as a pregnant woman is celebrating her expected child....you can just have a cocktail while you are celebrating!

[sdsb1996]

I can totally relate to the envy, sadness, anger, etc. one feels when they see someone pregnant. My husband and I began trying to have a little one over four years ago. We were able to get pregnant with the assistance of fertility drugs and procedures but each pregnancy ended around the third month. The feeling I felt during those years and occasionally now were/are horrible. My husband and I used to say we would never wish this on our worst enemies (not that we have enemies but you know what we meant. I would think every time one of my friends left me a message to call them back they were going to tell me they were pregnant (again). I was a mess. I cried all the time and I became very bitter which had never been a personality trait of mine. People would always tell us to "relax it will happen" and it made me furious.

I was so torn because we really wanted to adopt but didn't know how we would afford it (the fertility treatments were also expensive but we toldour insurance would pay - they didn't). I used to tell my best friend that I had never been able to "picture" myself in a hospital giving birth but I always "picture" us in the airport coming home with our little one surrounded by our friends and family. I prayed that God would show us how we could afford the adoption and to please give me peace with not having a bio child. I can't pinpoint the moment God granted me peace but one day it occurred to me that I hadn't cried (sobbed) in almost a month!! I praise God for knowing the big picture and providing me a way to adopt my beautiful baby girl. We started our process Feb. 1, 2005 and we are currently waiting to enter PGN. We have visited our daughter and could not be more in love.

If you ever want to talk more please pm me.

[vickibunni]

I just wanted to clarify I am not at all upset about the pregnanacy part either. I don't mind missing the unpleasantness side of pregnancy at all. I am just worried about my new nephew or Neice being here before my new daughter gets here and I really start missing her. Shallow I know, but I can't help it. This will be their 4th child.

[okstategrads]

Hi Hilery,

I can relate to your feelings. We tried to get pregnant for almost 7 years before we decided to adopt. The first 3-4 years were the hardest when dealing with friends/family that were expecting. I also taught high school, and remember seeing pregnant teenagers and thinking how unfair life was that these girls could get pregnant and I couldn't.
With that being said, I honestly believe the twinges of jealousy went away when we decided to adopt. I remember sitting in an adoption seminar and the guest speaker making a comment about how she and her dh went to look at carseats and then out for margaritas afterwards (something you can't or aren't supposed to do if you're pregnant). We brought our daughter home at 4.5 months old and I must admit, those feelings were completly gone.
On the flipside, we were one of those couples that got pregnant after our adoption was final. So, I got to experiece both. Pregnancy and the newborn stage were ok, but honestly, if we were going to have another child, we would adopt. Good luck to you and know that the child you're meant to have is waiting for you no matter how she gets here.

Hugs,

[foxl]

I would say it lessened immediately after I got my first child home, for sure! I was "into" her, nothing would faze me -- SHE was my entire reason for being and pregnancy had nothing to do with it!

[EmmyLee]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, it is perfectly normal.

Maybe this will help. Try to remember this when you those feelings happen - maybe they went through the same thing you did. Maybe they are carrying for someone else. Maybe they are thrilled to be pregnant but worried about the future as they are carrying a special needs or a sick baby and have made the wonderful decision to carry to term. That is what I tried to do when I felt envy, which I often did.

After finally conceiving using IVF, it was hard to think that someone was looking at me feeling jealousy having no idea what we had been through. When your baby is home it will feel like he or she was always there and (just as it does after you have conceived after years of trying) the time that has passed will seem much shorter than it does when you are waiting. I hope that this will help you. God bless.