[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Hilery,
I don't remember when I stopped having that feeling, but I did. And the first time I remember knowing the feeling stopped, was this past September, we were at our infant care class, and there was a room full of very pregnant women with their spouses, and me and dh. I got a lot of funny looks, and explained that we're adopting, and then they were really welcoming.

And, I honestly was glad for the first time ever that I wasn't as uncomfortable as many of them were. I know there is no comparison to being pregnant, and it is a beautiful miracle. But finally, I was able to see that it wasn't necessarily all wonderful. And I found my peace with it.

When we left, DH asked me if I was okay, it really bothered him to see all the pregnant women, he's had a harder time than me in a lot of ways. But I told him that I was actually feeling guilty because I was glad that I wasn't uncomfortable like many of them were. There were only a couple that weren't in obvious discomfort, and at 8 months pregnant they were smaller than me and I'm not pregnant, so there's no doubt in my mind that being larger would have made things uncomfortable for me.

So, hang in there. It will get easier. Maybe when things with the adoption seems a little more real. That also helps me.

HTH.

[Valeria4]

Hilery, it does get easier! We went thru 7.5 years of infertility. It was awful... For me, once we had a referral of our beautiful baby boy, I was able to finally feel and know that I would FINALLY be a mom at long last! I was finally able to go to babyshowers and not work at not crying while there, being so wistful and sad, and wanting to leave early. I love my friends so much and felt so bad and guilty for not being totally estatic for them. After a failed IVF treatment I simply could not go to one of my very good friend's babyshower. I was in no shape at all to go. Thank God she understood.

I have thanked God SO many times for my unanswered prayers! Who would of ever thought I would be thanking God for providing these beautiful, sweet, precious babies for us all to adopt and love forever!!! We all have different paths to choose in life and I am so happy and thankful that mine led me to my son. I love him so much.

I have even found myself thinking that those who do not "get" or choose to adopt have NO idea of the wonderful experience they are missing out on! This is one journey I will cherish forever! So much that we are now in the middle of our second adoption! We are currently waiting on our referral!!!

Wishing you a peace in your heart.

Val-

[mattecook]

I agree the feeling really never goes away you just learn to deal with it differently. For me it eased once Emma was in my arms but I still experience jealousy from time to time. You are not weird just human.

Ami

[micpac70]

While goign through all the IVF and starting the adoption process my sister-in-law got pregnant AFTER ONE IUI!!!!! My family thought I was goign to lose it - but I actually embraced it - as we are very close...... for me it has lessened - it was not the pregnancy part I was looking forward to it was the outcome - the child part of it ---- I am currently in Nursing school doing my OB/GYN rotation and thanking goodness that I did not get pregnant after seeing all the videos and the women in labor - I get to enjoy my child the day I bring her home - not after I recover - I know everyone is different but I think the pain lessens with time!!

[babyjsmom]

Yes..... I can honestly say that once my daughter came home it finally went away. I was like that for a long time.... 3 kids later, I am cured!

Hang in there, you are not alone!

[crapnegr]

I can totally relate to that feeling. While we were going through the adoption process our Secretary at work came in and told us after a month of trying she was pregnant. As mean as it sounds I was not happy for her in the least bit. She's young, been married less then a year, and already was going through marriage counseling. To me this was the last couple on earth who deserved a baby. I went home and was telling my husband all of this and he said "Hon don't be bitter we have found what is meant to be for us." I thought long and hard about this comment coming from a construction worker who is a man of few words. And he never could have been more right. I have not had that feeling since we received Lane's referral. I love this baby more than I knew you could love. And I can honestly say that I now have absolutely no desire to have a child biologically. Lane was put on this earth to complete Larry and I. Hopefully you will get to this point also because I know that it is hard.

[jaymo]

Hi Hilary,

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Hubby's brother and his wife just had a baby. With every picture that is sent to us (they live in NC and we in HI) I feel as though I want to vomit. I am hoping that this feeling will go away eventually but all I can say is keep your chin up. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have been waiting 7 months to get your child in your arms forever (we haven't received a referral yet ) but just know that, eventually, it will happen and jsut think that spending time with their child is "practice" for when your child comes home.
Know that you are not alone with your feelings (as evidenced by all the posts here) and we can all listen with an actual undersatnding that others may not have.
Take care,
Maura.

[Roon63]

Ten years married, and trying to concieve, was full of tears and frustration. Every woman I saw pregnant, and I swear their were always a million of them around me the day I started my period. I tried to be the comforting friend, as my friends got pregant, gave birth again and again. One friend tried to keep it a secret, because she didn't want me to hurt.
We adopted thru foster, and I told my SW, that if a child was not in my home for Christmas, I was thru, done, kaput!
We were called in an emergency transfer, Nov 29, to pick up an abused and sickly little 4 year old boy, had an asthma attack in my arms. He slept in a huge bed at the hotel, with my arms around him all night. ( I still have a kink in my neck, to this day ) That night the pain and tears of infertility disappeared.
It has been 5 years, and that boy is now playing soccer, football, and tag with his also adopted thru foster brother and 2 sisters. I can look at a pregnant woman now, and giggle.
I had a hysterectomy a year ago, and what relief, because now, being pregnant is a scary thing

[lisam00]

I had the jealousy for years. I would avoid pregnant people like the plague. I would avoid baby showers, etc. Once I held Ava, it all went away. I knew then that God's plan was for me to be Ava's mother and the jealousy was gone. It's strange because now I find myself feeling sort of sorry for my friends who didn't get experience the great journey that we did leading us to Ava. One of my best friends is pregnant right now and I feel nothing but absolute joy!

God bless,
Lisa

[Amykk]

I agree with those who say it will get so much easier once you have your child home. I chose not to get pregnant because of medical concerns. I think pregnancy and childbirth would be a wonderful experience, but I know that going to Guatemala and finally bringing my son home was also an awesome experience that alot of people will never have. If I had given birth I wouldn't have THIS child and, therefore, I am so thankful that life threw me the curve balls that it did.

[AMEN]

Hoo-boy! I could talk a blue-streak about this topic.

It does get easier as time goes on, but I don't think the pain every really completely goes away. In 2005, EVERY female in family (except my mom and MIL) and all three of my 5 best friends were pregnant or had a newborn.

The infertility pain did peak a little just after we brought Isaac home from Guatemala in 2003. I went on for one more surgery and another 6 months of Clomid before applying to our agency to adopt Samuel.

It's a journey to be sure. Maybe pilgrimage is a better word for it. My heart and sympathies go out to you.

PM me if you'd like!

[jennifervan]

I can understand. It is hard because it is a feeling that you get (almost an automatic reaction) and then it is followed by a guilty feeling. I think that is the hardest part...feeling guilty for feeling jealous.

Since we lost our son at five days old I feel incomplete. I held him for five days and then my arms were empty. Since then I have seen my friends get pregnant and one of them even had 2 children since my loss. I ache to hold a baby...my baby.

TO BE HONEST...what I have been struggling with the most lately is to see pictures posted of babies that have come home already, who are around the age of my little Gabby. She is not home yet. I feel guilty right away about feeling cheated that she is not home yet and others are. Sometimes I look at other people's timelines and feel really guilty that I am as far as I am when they are hurting so much and having trouble with their adoptions.

Sorry you are feeling this way,
Jennifer

[jpfister]

I think what you are feeling is completely normal. I also had those same feelings as do many people.

One of the reasons we decided on International adoption was so we would not have to go through the possibility of losing the baby, due to the Birth Mom changing her mind. I just could not deal with that after all the infertility stuff!! Of course it happened to us anyway and I just thank GOD that we still had David's adoption moving (slowly) forward.

Since the moment David came home, I have never had those feelings again. And now I have my daughter as well! I feel completely fulfilled with my 2 children and DO NOT want to get pregnant! Of course, I will take whatever God sends my way.

[my2guats]

I too have had those feelings. I can totally understand where you're coming from. I'm 28 and we have had our daughter home for a year and a half now. Everyday I thank God for the blessing of adoption. I can't imagine my life without this child. We didn't do fertility very long either, we just felt that adoption was the way to go. I never did get a diaognosis of why we can't conceive so I guess in the way back of my head I have always figured that one day we would have a bio. child. I also figure that we will adopt at least three first. Some days I think I don't want bio. children. Actually most days I think that. But... I have to admit that when I find out that certain people are pregnant it hurts deep inside. I hate that about myself. I am feeling that the older I get the less chance I have of having a bio. child and eventhough I really don't want any I guess I am now experiencing a loss. I wish that I could have given birth to my adopted daughter. I wish that she could have come out of my womb just the way she is. What I mean is with all her same genetic makeup and none of mine or my husbands. Does that make sense? My feelings of hurt and jealousy over others being pregnant has deffinitly subsided but deep down I think it will always be there a little bit. Hey, I even feel jealous of those of you going through your second and third adoptions. I can't wait until we can bring home another little girl! I'm excited too of course. Anyway, thanks for the post it helps to know that others out there feel the same way.

[kauai2k]

I guess that I have felt like I am always on the outside looking in - people around me are pregnant...family, friends. I was never able to sustain a pregnancy past 14 weeks - four times... My best friend's sister and I struggled at the same time to have a baby. She got pregnant this past summer and is due in March; I am waiting for word on our case.

I threw a baby shower for her and sat and listened to every woman in the room tell her story about what labor and delivery was like.

But then, I got to tell the story about what a visit trip was like and what this adoption journey is like - and no one else could compare or chime in! I felt very special.


You know what - God gives us a way, we just have to have faith and accept it sometimes. No more worries about miscarriages and ovulation timing and all the drugs...

The way I see it, maybe no one else is on the outside looking in at my adoption process - but I can be assured that it's going to work out.

Hang in there -
diane