[Foradoption]

I was wondering, when you go pick you your new little one, if you have to meet the foster mother? Is this who gives you the child? My concern is we have a friend who received her daughter from the foster mother and had a very, very hard time afterwards because she kept remembering the pain in the foster mother's eyes when giving over the little girl.

Rach

[dspakowsky]

I think you could work it our where your attorney or facilitator could meet you with the child. When we took our baby only for a visit, our foster mother cried. However, that just shows me she really cares and loves my daughter. When she "hands her over" on Tuesday I'm sure it's going to break her heart. Take care.

[jnancynancy]

I think it is best to meet the foster mother. We saw first hand the love in her eyes for our baby. She is giving a lot of herself to care for your child and I think it is better for FM's to be able to meet the Mother of that child.


It will be hard for our FM to say goodbye, but I want her to know from me personally that I appreciate all she has done and that I will promise to love Sol Ana with all my heart. We have also promised updates for our FM. We will send our agency a package once a year with pictures and letters.

I would re think this if I were you. Yes it may be hard on you, but think about how hard it will be for the FM.

[laura-jean]

i agree with jnancy....

it is a good idea to check on your child and even though it may be emotional it has many benefits.

the FM will see who is taking the child she has been caring for and loving all these months. although it is her job we are talking about emotions and human beings.

you will learn things that will be helpful that only the foster mother will know; she may have a fav blanket, likes to be fed in a certain position, needs to be burped many times during a feeding, etc. this will help for the transition for you and baby too!

sure it's hard... this whole process can be hard but you can later tell your child about the wonderful care they recieved first hand.

i would guarantee you wouldn't regret it.....

jmho......

in the end you have to do what you are comfortable with and once you make that decision don't torture yourself about it. you know what is best for you and your family.....

laura jean

[mac308]

I felt the same way after our visit trip. Our baby's foster mother (and her sister) were crying so hard (because they were so happy to see our daughter when we brought her back to them). I am really dreading the time that they have to say good-bye forever. I was thinking I wish the coordinator could just bring the baby to us, and I knew I was being selfish. I know I will have those memories in my mind forever and I know I will feel their pain of leaving someone they love so much for good.... but I will be able to tell my daughter how much they loved her and how much it hurt them to say good-bye. I was actually feeling like I was a bad person for taking the baby away from them- then I thought, wait if it wasn't me it would be someone else. I agree with Nancy, it's good for the foster mother to see who the baby will be with (puts some closure on it for them maybe).

[Bassette]

Just my opinion,......

As hard as it may be for you to see that, it is really really really good for the foster families to meet the adoptive family and know that the child they loved so deeply is going to a wonderful family. Of course its going to be hard on them when the child leaves but it would be far more painful if they couldn't see firsthand that they child is loved by their Adoptive Family. There are some crazy rumors about APs in Latin American, among them being that Americans adopt their child to harvest body parts. No kidding. I don't think my son's foster family would have been able to make peace with his departure if they had not been given an opportunity to meet us. It is also a great way to get direct information about the child. I wouldn't rely on anyone else to relay accurate and complete information about the child in respect to habits, likes/dislikes, sleeping arrangements, diet, illness, scheduling.

I will open and close with the same line.

,.....just my opinion.

[Kimberj71]

I have to say that meeting my children's foster mothers was the second best highlight of our trips. Of course, the first being that we got to be with/bring home our children. Their fostermothers are the primary connection we have for them to their birthcountries and their first months of life. These are the women who cared for them when they were sick, who got up with them every two hours in the middle of the night, who worried when they were ill, who took them to their check ups and to the family court interview and DNA. As hard as it was to see them let go, I was so thankful that I could tell them first hand how much we love them and appreciate all they did for our children. I am also so thankful that I have photos and video of that day as I believe it will be so important for our children as they grow.

Someone up above mentioned that adoption is bittersweet. That is so true. I understand that your friend had a hard time after meeting the fostermother. I have to tell you that there are moments even 20 months later that I get emotional thinking about their fosterfamilies and especially their birthfamilies. It is a sorrow that, for me, I've come to realize will always be there. I have all the joy of raising and loving these beautiful children of mine, but just on the other side of that is grief and sadness for what their birthfamilies and foster families are missing out on. I'm not sure I'm making sense. But I wonder if this is anything like what I've read is called "shadow grief" that some adoptees experience throughout their lives. Not that you're sad all the time, but that just under the surface there is a sorrow.

Anyway, I just want to encourage you to meet your child's fostermother/family and ask lots of questions. And to let you know that even if you don't meet them, there is the possibility that you will still grieve their loss. Hope all this rambling makes sense.

Kim

[egrace]

I definitely agree with the other mom's. Also we have pictures of our FM with our child, so we can explain to our daughter who took care of her until the adoption was finalized. The FM was also able to answer questions regarding favorite food, how many bottles, how long does she sleep, nap, etc. (foods to avoid, etc) This is a very emotional process, but after all this is the person that took care of your child 24 hrs a day, every day. I think it's also a way to show respect and to thank them in person for the love and care they have given your child.

egrace

[jnancynancy]

Sol Ana's foster Mom and I had a deal (her idea)...we decided not to cry infront of eachother because we knew we were good mothers to Sol and she would be happy with either of us. She didn't cry when she dropped off Sol for our visit....I didn't cry when I dropped her back off at the end.

It may sound silly, but in someway I feel like we had a mutual respect and a connection though this little deal.

[kauai2k]

I believe very strongly that meeting the foster family is a part of the process that cannot be undervalued. Meeting the foster family lingers large in my memories, and I am a better person for it.


This family is loving, warm, and so special. They have been with our son for all of these many months now, and they know firsthand everything about him. I do not believe that this process is complete without a significant thanks to them for all they have done.

As for the pain in their eyes when handing over this child for the last time, it's part of the deal. It's all about love, and without that pain - it's just a "process". I think about my child every minute of everyday; and now that we have visited and met these amazing people, I think of them, as well.

I bought a lifebook/scrapbook today, and I am pondering the section which explains his life with the foster family. It will be an important part of this book.

diane

[earthmama17]

I've already started thinking about the FM and how sad she will feel when she has to give my little to me. But, I would not trade meeting w/her for anything. This way, my little girl will know how good her FM was to her and how well she was taken care of. Plus, I've taken great pictures of the two of them and am planning on giving the FM one and framing one to put in the nursery.

I'm also planning on exchanging email addresses w/her. That way, I can send her updated pictures on occasion. The entire process is difficult and emotional, but not meeting w/the foster mom was never something I considered. Good luck.

[jnancynancy]

Exactly!

I even have two fairies in her room holding up a ribbon that says, "Tia FM name"

She is a part of my family now.

[mac308]

I forgot to mention that not only will I have the memory of them being so sad saying good-bye to our daughter I will also have the memory of them hugging us and kissing our cheeks (they are such a warm family)! Without the sad memories I wouldn't have the wonderful memories I have of them either. I really think they would be missing out if they didn't get to meet you and you would be missing out if you didn't get to meet them. Not to mention, your child would be missing out on you being able to share the memory with him/her.

Nancy- If I would have made that deal with our foster mom I wouldn't have been able to keep my end of it... I don't know how you can stay so strong! I need work

[mac308]

Now that I think about it, my four year old makes up all kinds of stories about her foster mom (and the fun things they did together when she was a baby). I'm sure this is from me telling her about her foster mother and how much she loved and cared for her. I think it's really important for kids to hear this and to be able to (make up) what their lives were like if we can't tell them exactly. She loves looking at the picture we have of her foster mom holding her. It just seems really important to her.

[jnancynancy]

Megan,

She made the deal first so I didn't want to whimp out. I had to walk around a while and blink and blink.....and not talk or I would've lost it.