[lexiesmom]

Hi

I am still working on adding a new child to our family. Can any one give me some advise on adopting a 5 year old? The little boy would be 6.5 months older than Lexie.

I have a million questions, but don't even know what to ask 1st

thanks

Donna

Please feel free to email or PM

[melgrant]

We adopted out of birth order. We had a 15, 13 and 7 year old, and we added an 11 yo, a 3 yo and a baby (a sibling group) The 7 yo was already plenty used to having older siblings and one more didn't bother her at all -- in fact, since the 7 yo and the 11 yo attend the same school, they are fast friends.

We originally planned to adopt through foster care, but they would not allow us to adopt out of birth order (and at the time we were convinced we did not want to adopt an infant or a toddler -- funny how things work out!) That is what led us to Guatemala -- there were no similar restrictions.

However, it was very valuable learning about why the foster care adoption program did not want to place a child with us. We took their concerns seriously and were very careful to try to find a school age child that would be a safe match for our family (to the extent that is possible to predict, which unfortunately isn't nearly as good as one would like).

Best of luck to you in your adoption process! If I can answer any questions just PM me.

[Devora]

Funny....I was just thinking of posting a similar question! The recent thread on adopting school-age children got me to thinking more about this as a possibility in the future. But because our son is only about to turn 1, it would definitely be a situation of adopting out of birth order. This is something that we've heard cautions against and the cautions make sense. But I would like to hear from anyone who has done this, how you worked with your "displaced" child to handle it, etc.

[my3guats]

Here is my .02 on this. I think it depends on a number of things.

First of all how much difference in age? With us our third son was only 5 months older than our other son. This has been difficult for them. I don't mean that it is always difficult but I do think they have both had to compete for the same spot. If say there was a couple of years or more I don't think it would be such an issue.

Second...are you thinking the same gender? Again if they are very close in age and same gender they are competing for same family spot..whereas if they are opposite genders this wouldn't matter so much.

For us we added a third child that was almost the same age. It has been difficult at times but yet it has been lots of fun and the joy is unbelievable. If there is too much difference in ages it is hard as well as their interests and activities are so different. I think that anyone considering an older child adoption(not just changing birth order) should do lots of reading on the topic as you just can't predict on what challenges you may face...but that said watching these older kids experience each new thing and grow and learn is such a joy!

[crathke]

Donna, I have absolutely nothing to add to this thread except my best wishes and complete delight that you're thinking about adopting again!

[Belenbaby]

Donna, I dont have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say congratulations on your decision to adopt again!!!! That is great news! I hope this one is smooth!

[moelladeville]

I am adopting out of birth order. I have two boys, almost 3 yrs old and just 1. My daughter-to-be is seven. I did a lot of the homework, and conventional wisdom is, as those here have said, don't adopt out of birth order. I spoke to my physician at our international adoption clinic in Philly, who herself adopted out of birthorder, and she said definitely don't adopt the same sex. There are a lot of concerns as Melissa mentioned. I, too, went through foster care training and heard some nightmares. For that reason, I chose to visit my daughter before I accepted the referral, and I brought my older boy along to see how it would work out. That's no guarantee, I know, but it helped my peace of minds.

So my advice (not having completed my adoption yet) is do the research and understand as much as you can what you may be in for. Good luck to you -- I hope it all works out.

Marjorie

[brink]

We did adopt out of birth order this last time. Our newest daughter came home at 10yrs last Feb (can it be nearly one year??). Our sons are 11yrs and 9yrs. We also have four older daughters, 15yrs and three in college. We felt it would be fine, since it wasn't another boy we were adding between. I would not have wanted to "disrupt" the relationship our sons have with another boy between. It has been very interesting, adding a "twin". These three compete quite a bit, but they also get along or are independent enough with different interests, that it's working fine. The squabbles come from the boy/girl differences.

The concerns about an older child's history are very real. Be certain you aren't putting your younger children at risk by adding a child who might vicitmize them in any way. All three of our kids came from the same small orphanage, all having lived there since infancy up to age 2yrs. We knew their history and the care they'd received. Not to say children can't become victims in such a setting, but our agency has worked with this director for nearly 20yrs and we felt very confident. We are currently in process for a 9yr old girl we met on our daughter's pickup trip...from the same orphanage. Again, we are confident of her history, having also been there since infancy. We don't know if she is older or younger than our youngest son, but apparently, we will have two sets of "twins". (God has a sense of humor. I always wanted twins, since my mom has a twin brother. Two sets? How funny is that?) Though this is another girl, we don't feel we will be disrupting a relationship between two of the same sex, since our oldest daughter still at home is in HS. We think this will only add to the fun and rucus! More competition...but as long as it's "friendly", it might only help them become the best at what they do. This pickup trip, I'm keeping my eyes closed when we visit the orphanage...sure, I am...

My hats off to anyone who has a heart for children "with history" and "issues". Those beautiful children also need the love and support of a family. It's a very special calling.