[Yelena]

So here I am at work, bored beyond belief because it's a half-day and no one's here, and I can't really do my work without them. It's a ghost town. A perfect time to post on the forum!

Someone new to the process posted about how to "choose" a baby. Those of us in the midst of this process all know that we don't get a choice (in most cases), but that we are presented with a referral, and that most of the time, that baby becomes ours.

But, 7 months ago, I had the same concern: How on earth would I choose a baby? I had the mistaken notion that the agency would set out a photo album, then my DH and I would page through it until we found the most appealing baby! I was afraid it would be like shopping from a baby catalog! Oops, I sure was wrong!

And another thing: one of the many reasons we chose Guatemala was that we did not want any birthmother contact. I was absolutely certain of this. I know there are many people who believe strongly in open adoption, but it's not for me. Last week, however, we received the DNA results along with a beautiful photo of Dulce Maria and her birthmother. It really is beautiful -- almost a portrait, not the "mugshot" I was expecting. I feel very drawn to this woman; I never anticipated the connection I would feel to her. She is giving me the greatest gift that could ever be, and I would be happy to know her some day.

So, what kind of things did you think before you started the process that were completely off base?

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Bethany..
Ditto on the work thing. Ghosttown here, too!

I hope you don't mind my jumping in from domestic adoption land!

When we started, we feared open adoption... now, we fear not having enough contact with whichever birthparents place with us. We also thought, since we're so young, we'd be desired greatly by expectant parents... and that we'd be placed by Christmas.

We had a lot of unrealistic expectations. And a lot of fears that have changed.

Funny how that happens! I'm happy for you that you feel a connection with your baby's birthmom. I think that is helpful in being able to field their questions when they get older, in a positive light.

Best wishes to you!

[foxl]

I "came over from India," so was really clueless about birthmoms .... and whaddya know, I got emailed referral pictures WITH our Birthmom! Knocked the wind right out of me.

I had to re-think everything I thought I knew about birthmoms.

Now I know her story both from FC report and attorney, I felt like it was a learning and growing experience for me.

[Bassette]

My biggest lesson was also about birthmothers. My most ignorant preconceived notion was that available children were unwanted by their birthmothers. Not true in an overwhelming majority of cases. In Guatemala the children are relinquished due to what the birthmothers perceive as necessary means for survival for both themselves and the children. Hub and I have also reconsidered our position on open vs closed adoption. It's not for everyone but it is for us.

My biggest and best lessons came from branching out to the adoptee and birthmother forums. I gained perspective from reading experiences and advice from the other three corners of the triad and feel better prepared to handle and curb possible future issues with my precious son.

This is a great thread and I look forward to reading all the responses.

[linda512]

I also did not want an open adoption. Because I was still grieving for the biological child I would never have, I was really only thinking about what would be best and easiest for me. I wanted a baby to appear from the air without any past or baggage.
As I have gone through the process I am coming to terms with the fact that it will be better for my child to know something about his birth family and I hope to meet his birth mother. I also am beginning to accept that adoption will be an issue for him, how big I don't know, but I have started a lifebook for him so we can talk about it openly.