[pgalupo]

I just wanted to know whether anyone else is going through this adoption process while grieving the loss of a loved one.

My sister, Pilar (age 41), passed unexpectantly while on a trip to Italy several weeks before I received my referral. She was extremely excited and supportive of my decision to adopt (as she was one of my greatest all time supporters throughout my life). In fact, before she left for her trip she called me to tell me that she was going to be in charge of Maya's life/scrap book -- and that she had found scrapbooking materials specific to Guatemalan adoption. Pilar left behind my 11 year old niece, and her husband of 17 years. I miss her so much.

So, in all of this process I have been balancing these extreme emotions -- the excitement of a new life, and the devestation I feel for no longer being able to share my life with my sister. Now, I am a spiritual person so I am comforted by knowing that she is still with me in spirit -- that helps, but honestly only goes so far. In particular, with this adoption, everytime something wonderful happens in the process -- I rebound with this intense sadness that Pilar is not here to share it with -- knowing how excited she would have been in this process. My niece and brother-in-law remain extremely involved in my life and are very excited about the baby -- in fact, they accompanied me on the visit trip. My niece, in particular, talks about how Maya's expressions remind her of her mother, etc.

I know it is irrational, but I can't help feeling

1) guilty for having such happiness (especially as it was also my sister's dream to adopt);

2) guilty -- I guess because of the sense of timing -- Maya's birthfather passed several days before my sister did (it is why she was put up for adoption) -- it just feels like so much had to be taken away (i.e. my sister, the birthfather) for Maya to have come into my life.

3) scared -- that something is going to happen with this adoption (i.e. birthmother changing her mind) and I'm going to have double the loss -- not sure I could make it through that. This week has been horrible as I have been awaiting the DNA results -- so worried that I'll be the rare case where there is no match.

4) worried about how emotionally present I'll be in parenting Maya when she comes home -- because of my grief. (My 13-year old, Isabel, has been a great sense of comfort to me in all of this)

I do know that all of this is a normal part of the grieving process -- but was wondering if anyone else is experiencing anything similar. Grief can be such an isolating experience. On the upside, this forum has been an amazing source of support. Actually, it just makes me feel better to write it all out -- so thanks for listening.

-Paz

[coachmom]

Paz-thanks for your candid look at what you are going through as it helps us to know we are not alone in our thinking. I have been wondering how you are so we could be praying...
If you would like us to pray for you, can you post something to the prayer chain thread fromn Friday and I will update it on Monday?
I think all of what you are feeling is totally normal...

[mattecook]

Please know that your forum friends will be here during your time of mourning. It is such a devastating loss to lose a sister that was your best friend. Please don't feel guilty about also feeling the joy of the adoption journey your sister wouldn't want you to do that. My husbands dad died of a massive heartattack 2 weeks before we accepted our referral and we also felt many of the emotions that you are feeling. There really isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could have seen him be her grandpa. However, also being a spirtual person I know that I will hopefully see him again and I will get to experience the joy of watching him play with his grandchildren. Please allow yourself the right to grieve the way you need to. Losing a sister will be a sadness that will stay with you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that you will lean on your family and your forum family through this time of healing.

Ami

[mac308]

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I can't imagine losing someone so close at such a time (or anytime for that matter). I think you can be sure that Maya came into you life for a very special reason.

Megan

[Lisa2003]

Paz, I am so sorry for your loss. I wanted to tell you I know exactly how you feel. When I started to process to adopt the second time I was still grieving the sudden loss of my mother. It was (and still is, even 2year plus) a daily struggle to balance 2 ends of the scale= happiness and raw pain in my heart. Even as the pains gets easier over time I still wish every day my mother was here to see all the little things the kids do. I think it will never go away. I do know too SHE is here in spirit, but its not the same.....

[KellyMigoya]

Wow, I can't imagine what you must be feeling. You are in my prayers. I hope your new baby brings some joy to a family who has experienced such devastation.

[caltaylor]

Paz,

I am sorry that you are experiencing such grief for your sister. Although not the same, my sister suddenly passed away about three years ago. We were very close and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and miss her. I think her death was a bit of a catalyst for our decision to add to our family. Her death made me very aware of how fragile life can be and how important family is to me for love and support throughout life. I had wanted another child for quite awhile, but the feelings were very intense after my sister died. I do believe that she is with me spiritually. I think she would love my son and would be excited with our adoption plans.

Your grief is a normal feeling. The guilt feelings are awful. Please try to focus on the love of your family. I know your sister would be thrilled for you and I know that she would not want you to feel this pain.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Coleen

[adoptingdoc]

I have a different kind of grieving, but still, it has affected my adoption process. I lost the referral of my son (yes, I still call him that) in August, after an 8 month battle to try to adopt him. I visited twice, held him, talked to him (he was a toddler so very interactive) and fell in love with him.
After my agency cancelled my contract, I lost him to the facilitator who was handling the case, and she refused to get legal DNA on him (they produced fraudulant DNA the first time around).
I have since switched agencies, and finally was able to accept another referral. But it was a long process, and I am still grieving the loss of my little Dominic. There are so many emotions that go along with that grieving, they range from disbelief that I will ever complete an adoption, to fear, anger, guilt (should I have accepted a referral from a group of child launderers?) and outright depression.
It is hard for me to get 100% excited about my new referral because of this. But I also know that grieving is a process, and I have to go through it. I am trying to work through it, and accept my human limitations based on the fact that I miss my little Dominic soooooo much and still wish I could have him home with me.

[kauai2k]

Paz - it's humbling to realize that the power of the circle of life has hit you directly...one leaves our earth and another one comes into it.

I feel that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself - with the guilt. God has a plan for us, and we really never know what that is. We just need to pray for guidance and know that we are not alone. Your referral may actually have been brought to you at that ordained moment to help you look forward to something while grieving for your sister. It's hard to separate out these two tremendous life changes - they seem forever intertwined.

Feel free to share with us during this really difficult time for you.
diane

[DesertMom]

So many kind and wise words have already been said. I wanted to share that my grandmother is close to death right now. She has Parkinson's and dementia and has been in a nursing home for the last five years. I was very close to her as a child and she is the only person in my biological family besides one aunt who I maintain any contact with. She was my protector when I was growing up. I very much wished that she would be alive and aware when I brought my son home so she could meet her great-grandchild. She is the most loving person I've ever known and I'd love to have a photo of that moment and have my son experience the warmth of being in her arms. Unfortunately this isn't going to happen.

The one comfort that I have is that my Nana is a very spiritual person and I know that if it is possible that she is guiding and protecting all of us as we move through the process. She has also taught me so much about what it means to love others and to accept them for who they are. There are many qualities your sister had that you can pass onto your child.

I'm so sorry for your sudden and devastating loss. I don't know if this is very much comfort to you but I do understand what it means to want to share the happiest moment of your life with one of the most important people in your life and not be able to. I will pray for you and hope that you will find some peace. Please take care and talk as much as you need to here.

[golden_x_two]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know a little about what you're going through. I lost my nephew at age 28 in August due to a heart condition. Then 2 weeks later my grandfather at age 95. I haven't seen a lot of my family in a while and most didn't know I was adopting. My parents were telling everyone after the funerals. It didn't feel right to be happy to talk to them about it when they asked questions because it was really such a sad time. It makes it more difficult to deal with when they're so young as your sister and my nephew were. Time will help but they'll always be missed.

[BebitosMama]

Paz,

Your grief for your sister is still so new, it's no doubt going to be raw for quite a while. I lost my mother in Jan 2003, not long before we decided to adopt, and I think it was a year before the rawness of grief really left me.

But that doesn't mean that good things didn't happen in that year, or that I wasn't able to love, and laugh, and live my life either. It's just that the loss is so present, so much with you, in that first year or so... the wound starts to heal, and eventually, the raw pain fades into a duller ache.

Why would you think it's irrational, just a few months after losing your dear sister, to feel guilt, fear or worry? These are all so natural, completely normal, and yes, rational, parts of the grieving process. If you weren't having these sorts of feelings, I'd be more worried for you!! You're human, you loved your sister, you were embarking on a special journey that she was a part of, and you've lost her at an unbearably young age. This is a maelstrom of loss to deal with.

In the end, though, you want to process some of these things. First, knowing Pilar, would she want you to be anything other than happy about the baby? She was so happy for you, and I'd bet that Pilar would sit you down and have a major talking to if she thought that her dying was going to ruin the happiness of this for you. She wouldn't want that. She DOESN"T want that... does she...

You're connecting your sister's passing with Maya, but it's not the case. Yes, Maya's birthfather was apparently the reason her family made an adoption plan for her, but that is her fate, her life, and you didn't cause it, or wish it. If you were not in this world, Maya's fate is her own. But here you are, with love in your heart, and the fates and timing haves brought you together with this child who needs a family. Your sister's passing is coincidence... you didn't have to lose Pilar to get Maya.

The fear of the adoption going wrong...well, I can't take that away, because we all have that to some extent until the day we walk out of that immigration office at the airport on US soil. All you can do is trust that things are going to happen as they are meant to. And if you look deep down in your heart, do you know that Maya is yours and you hers? If so, then you have to remember that feeling when the fear is strong. You have to have the courage that comes with that conviction, of knowing that God, the universe, fate, etc., meant for you to be with this child.

Frankly, it's perhaps small comfort, but the fact that you are experiencing such grief, and a separation from someone so close, who you loved and loved you back, will make you uniquely able to understand what Maya may feel when she's older, and certainly, what Maya's birth family feels. Your grief is a university of knowledge that will make you a better parent to Maya. Grief, and parenting are not exclusive. To grieve is a human experience, and our children watch us go through this, and they learn from us. Being emotionally present means that you find time to connect with your girls even though you are also going through a period when you will carry grief in your heart. It doesn't mean that you're some sort of perky sitcom TV mom with a smile on your face 24/7. That's not reality. Grieving the loss of your sister -- their aunt -- is reality, and you are already seeing how this can emotionally connect you even more to Isabel, and help you both grow. There are some joys that can come out of even the worst pain and tragedy.

You might find a session with a grief counselor helpful, or a minister or therapist, or even a reiki healer, or someone who can help you. I know I did this a few times in the year after I lost my mother.

There were moments in my adoption process where it was very painful not to have my mother to consult with, or share with...I know how very much she would have understood the frustration, joy, pain, anger, etc. of all I went through to bring home my Bebito, and it was at those times I think I missed her most. But I can see my mother in the face of my daughter, and I can feel her in the heart of my Bebito, and I know she's with us all, just as Pilar is with you all.

I suspect Pilar is watching over it all, and her presence will infuse the whole process with love, and light, and I wouldn't be surprised if it all doesn't go just as planned because of it.

Mary

[Howdy]

I'm so sorry about your loss. When my sister died (19 yrs ago) I was so shocked, I had never considered the possibility. I think it is much harder to lose a sibling, though maybe the reason for that belief is when my father died it was preceeded by a long illness and was in fact a bit of a relief when it was finally over. But my sister was murdered so there was no time to prepare for the loss.

You sound like you are very self-aware and analytical, I think you will get through the grieving process without getting stuck.

One thing that makes me feel better is thinking that maybe my sister is with me, getting to experience my life. When she died, before I found out, I was at the university getting out of class. I had a strange experience of a strong feeling of wanting to ask people if they needed help, not in a oh-my kind of way, but a very peaceful loving way as if the most important thing in life is helping each other. My dd's aftercare person said that when her son died, before she knew, she saw him in a sort of twinkling light form, come in the house and go to her daughter and hug her and kind of melt into her, and her daughter woke up calling his name. So I really hope my sister is with me for my life journey. Who knows though, guess we all will get to find out (or not) eventually!

[jennifr]

Paz- My heart goes out to you for such a tremendous loss as your sister. You will be in my prayers. I know there isn't much that can be said that will make the pain of this loss any better. But I'm sure that your sister would be so happy for the progression of your case, and the fulfillment of your dream of bringing Maya home. Carry her with you throughout this experience and you won't feel guilty anymore. She's there, it's okay to be happy.

[Automne27]

I too entered this second adoption while still deep in the grieving process for my first son, who passed away unexpectedly from a fatal disease.

I felt guilt when I accepted my referral, as if Ethan would feel that I was replacing him. I cried as I had to take down the sign for his room and put up Connor's, but I knew that I wanted to be a mother again and that as sad as I felt he would want me to continue on.

It gives me peace to know that Ethan is up in heaven guiding me along on my second adoption journey and looking over my son Connor in Guatemala until he comes home.

I feel fortunate to have been given the chance to be the mother to such a beautiful boy and to give him lots of love in his last days on earth. I also know that I have a special angel in heaven who looks out for me on earth.

I too felt that I may not live through another loss if something were to fail in this adoption. But I felt that taking a chance again was far less risky than completely giving up.

As you mentioned your sister was very supportive of your plans and she would want you to continue on with your dreams.

Grief effects all of us very differently. It has been nearly a year since Ethan passed away, and I have finally stopped crying on a daily basis. I have accepted that I will never be 100% the same, but feel as if I am close to 95% myself.

Dealing with a loss of a loved one and pursuing an international adoption are both such extremely emotional events. One such a rush of sadness tempered by the other that is such a rush of joy. Oftentimes it is difficult to deal with the myriad of emotions.

I think that fact that you are aware of the grief that you are feeling is indicitive of the fact that you want to heal. I think if you were simply steeped in depression and not aware of your sadness, then there may be need for concern about your ability to be fair to your child.

In closing I want to offer my support to you and also mention that it was very helpful for my boyfriend and me to attend a support group for people who had lost a loved one.

I wish you the best on your adoption journey and I am sorry for the loss of your sister.

Automne