[apetry26]

Good morning all,
I don't post much here, but I lurk everyday. Today I need your opinion. For the last week or so I have really been considering adopting a toddler along w/ my baby girl. When my DH and I started this adoption, it was for a toddler in Russia. When we switched to Guatamala, we decided on an infant. Now, I really want a toddler too. My concern is adopting two children at once or closely together and bonding w/ both at the same time. DH is still "thinking" about it. I just wanted some other thoughts about this. My family thinks it's crazy. We haven't even mentioned it to our sons. What has been your experiences w/ this? I just want my baby to have someone she can play with and who she has alot in common with. Is now a good time to do this or should I wait until we have adjusted to bringing the baby home? Any insight and advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Angie

[becky]

Angie,

My 'personal opinion' is that it might be best to bring your infant home and let her adjust and bond...then look into toddler adoption. Toddler adoption is a whole different experience and it takes a lot of time and energy to assist a toddler with the bonding process.

There are certainly people who have adopted sibling groups in this situation and that is a completely different scenario. Because they are siblings they must be adopted together. But you are talking about choosing to adopt two unrelated children in two different age groups. It can be done, and there are those who have done it and will tell you it is wonderful. But if you read a lot on the subject you will find that most social workers and adoption professionals would not recommend this situation. In fact there are some agencies that will not even refer children in this situation. I strongly suggest you read "The Weavers Craft"...it is a wonderful guide to the world of toddler adoption and some of the challenges you might face.

I think it is great that you want to continue to grow your family...but you might want to consider letting your little one come home, adjusting to that and bonding with her, and then adding a toddler to your family a little bit later.

Good Luck!

[Princesa's Mama]

We adopted a baby girl from Guatemala and when we were about to go for pick-up, our agency asked if they could show our profile to a Guatemalan birthmom who lives in our state. (they knew that we wanted to do a second adoption right away) The birthmom picked us and 3 weeks after we came home with our 1 year old daughter, we brought our newborn son home from the hospital. We are thrilled with him but it has not been an easy time. The child you bring home from Guatemala may be almost a toddler by the time you pick her up. We got our referral of a 3 week old and picked her up on her 1st birthday. She has had more issues than our infant boy (his are sleep, cry, eat and poop! LOL). She had to deal with abandonment issues, which are common in toddlers. At one year old she watched her family, who she knew since the day she was born, walk away and leave her. She moved in with two people who did not speak her language and who did not know how things were in her home before. We were planning on beginning another Guatemalan adoption right after our first was done, figuring that we would have several months to get Sarah settled and that the children would be close in age. God had a different plan for us and we are happy but it has not been without its challenges--sleep being a big one!

Best wishes on your decision!

[wvamom]

Like you, I thought I would like to bring home two at the same time. But after bringing home our son and the adjustment he has had, I can't imagine if I had had two at once. (Hats off to you, though, Roxanne, I think I've told you before how much I admire you!)

I think it's doable, but whether you have the wherewithal to do two major adjustments at once depends on your energy level and how much else is on your plate.

Good luck!
Carolyn

[annelisa]

We brought home our toddler girl in June 2004. She was 28 months old at the time. It is A LOT of work and adjustments to bring home a toddler........I can't imagine having a new baby at the same time. To be honest, I don't think it would be fair to the toddler to do it this way. They REALLY need a lot of attention and time to get used to their new home and their new mom and dad.
They need to be pretty much the center of attention for awhile.
That said, our little girl is doing great! She has had no attachment issues and has bonded with us completely.
To be honest, I had a harder time bonding with her than I did our first daughter who came to us at 9 months. I think you BOTH need to have as much one on one time as possible to give yourself time to bond, and I just don't see how it would work bringing home an infant at the same time. Just my opinion.........
annelisa

[Princesa's Mama]

Carolyn, we decided to end our membership to the "Baby of the Month" club after Sam!! LOL

[shelbydog]

I have a 3 year old bio son and we just brought Mia home at 5 months. In general, not even considering the whole attachment issue(s), I am finding two kids - a toddler and infant, a very difficult adjustment for everyone - my son, me, my husband. Babies are a huge adjustment - wonderful, but a major life change. I cannot imagine adopting two (baby and toddler) together and handling that, plus the attachment on top of that. Just my honest opinion. I would bond with the baby first and then think about adding a sibling. Good luck!

[dsepme]

We adopted sibs who came home at 14 mos and 2.75yo. My ONLY regret is that I didn't get them one at a time - at the same time, one of the best things we ever did was adopt siblings who came home together. Contradiction, I know.

It was not possible to attachment parent the way I imagined I would, and wanted to. I could not respond to every cry, every need, and assauge away the fears the moment they occured. It simply was not possible - even with 2 parents who were mostly home together for the first 3 months. When BOTH needed ME at the SAME TIME because I was "mom" (which was common) - I was so torn in half, fearing I was backsliding in attachment with the one who took a back seat for the moment. I felt like trust took longer with my kids. Just now, almost 6 mos later, I feel like they are really truly "getting it."

At the same time, because they are siblings, they had each other through the chaos. Even though I couldn't meet their needs always in the way they needed (and still can't), they witnessed me with their brother, calming, soothing, and being a "good mom." They bonded tightly to each other, and hung on, and I think collectively figured out that this family is a really good thing. But this is BECAUSE they are siblings. Had my children not been through living with their birth family and foster family together prior to this, I think the transition to our home life would have been way too much for me to take, even as a highly-driven wannabe Supermom.

[LauraP0322]

Angie we had the EXACT same concerns. After meeting some local families that have adopted from Russia with a toddler and infant, and they told us all the issues they had bonding with their toddler and all the work they had to do. I remember thinking the whole time, "But what about your baby? Doesn't she deserve some one-on-one bonding time?" We went home and I told my husband that if we adopted a toddler and infant at the same time, as we had planned, I'd just feel guilty and inadequate that the baby wasn't receiving the attention and nurturing they deserved and I'd feel guilty and tired if I couldn't do it "all" to nurture the bonding in our toddler.

So that night we decided to adopt "like-twins." We wanted twins or 2 infants as close in age as possible. This way their wants and needs would be close and we could devote our time to both of them more-or-less equally. Our son and daughter are 12 days apart. Though it was crazy for the first few months, it was good crazy. In the long run, I think it's actually easier than having a toddler and an infant (especially after watching my sister with her 2 that are 20 months apart.) We just brought home our 13-mo old -- not an infant, closer to toddler-age -- and there are a lot more bonding issues than we had with our 2 older kiddos who came home at 7 mo. I knew we wouldn't do 2 again, but I'm really happy that we waited 4 years so the older 2 adapted pretty well to having a little sister.

If this is an interest for you, you may want check out the like-twins yahoo group for lots of insight on the subject.

Good luck with your decision. Just remember, it's YOUR family and YOUR decision. There's no right answer for everyone.

LauraP

[DPline]

We adopted two young toddlers, and it has been a wonderful experience, but the others that have posted make a lot of very good points. I count us VERY lucky that both of our children have adjusted and bonded so well.

In our case Lauren came home at 11 months old, and Daniel came home 3 months later at 20 months old. I am SO glad that they did not come home at the same time, and for that matter, that Lauren came home first. Being younger (or just her personality) she bonded with us relatively quickly, but we had a LOT of sleep problems for the first 6 weeks or so, and if Daniel had been home, I don't know what I would have done. By the time Daniel came home 3 months later, we had had a chance to really get to know Lauren, and her us, allowing me to focus more on Daniel. I think that the fact that they are close in age worked out to our advantage in that they are kind of like twins (though there definetly is a developmental difference) and they have a lot of the same needs, as opposed to having an infant and a toddler.

Not sure if my ramblings helped, but there is my 2 cents worth! If you have any specific questions, feel free to PM me.

[annaguat]

With help from our social worker we came to the same conclusion and are now in process for two infant girls. I was concerned about the high needs of the toddler aged child if we did toddler and infant. Also you do not know what personality and circumstances the toddler has gone through. I wanted time to enjoy the baby and not worry about agression of the toddler to the baby as the toddler would most likely have bonding needs. I think it is different if it is a toddler in your home that has been there since infancy. We have done that multiple times and I realy and enjoyed that. We did older children once and it was very hard for everyone. Anna

Originally Posted by LauraP0322

Angie we had the EXACT same concerns. After meeting some local families that have adopted from Russia with a toddler and infant, and they told us all the issues they had bonding with their toddler and all the work they had to do. I remember thinking the whole time, "But what about your baby? Doesn't she deserve some one-on-one bonding time?" We went home and I told my husband that if we adopted a toddler and infant at the same time, as we had planned, I'd just feel guilty and inadequate that the baby wasn't receiving the attention and nurturing they deserved and I'd feel guilty and tired if I couldn't do it "all" to nurture the bonding in our toddler.

So that night we decided to adopt "like-twins." We wanted twins or 2 infants as close in age as possible. This way their wants and needs would be close and we could devote our time to both of them more-or-less equally. Our son and daughter are 12 days apart. Though it was crazy for the first few months, it was good crazy. In the long run, I think it's actually easier than having a toddler and an infant (especially after watching my sister with her 2 that are 20 months apart.) We just brought home our 13-mo old -- not an infant, closer to toddler-age -- and there are a lot more bonding issues than we had with our 2 older kiddos who came home at 7 mo. I knew we wouldn't do 2 again, but I'm really happy that we waited 4 years so the older 2 adapted pretty well to having a little sister.

If this is an interest for you, you may want check out the like-twins yahoo group for lots of insight on the subject.

Good luck with your decision. Just remember, it's YOUR family and YOUR decision. There's no right answer for everyone.

LauraP

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

OK...from one Angie to another!

I have to tell you, our boys are only 2 1/2 months apart. When I told work and we told our families, I know they thought we were CRAZY!! Bug was only 4 months old, and we got the call for another baby, this one 8 weeks old. BUT, nobody tried to talk us out of it, and here we are 6 months later and we wouldn't change it for the world!

Are there times that are tough? Sure, but it is that way with anything. Do they get along well? You bet!! Even being as young as they are, it is AWESOME to watch them sit at thir little feeding chairs and laugh, giggle, and reach out for each other. I really love it when they are in the back of the van "talking" to each other. Recently my husband took them to the doctor because they were sick...the last 2 times they had to go to the doctor before that, they each got at least one shot. My husband called me because he was cracking up when he looked in the rear view mirror and as he put it "It looks like they are high five-ing each other as though 'woo hoo, no shots this time!" They ARE brothers, and you can tell that they have already formed a bond that will never be broken.

Twice the blessing I say! When people ask me (with a heavy sigh) how I do it? I just tell them that I waited my whole life for this, and God will never give me more than he knows I can handle!

[apetry26]

Thanks for everyone's input- It is greatly appreciated. I get more up-front honest answers from the members here than I do from our family, friends and agency. You really put things into perspective for me. I do want to have two daughters, but I also understand the importance of one on one and bonding w/ the baby first. I was just trying to save myself and family from having to go on another emotional roller coaster like the one that we have been on for over a year now. Although our adoption experience hasn't been as bad as others (yet anyway), I don't know if I can do this again. I guess it's like having a baby. In a year or so, you forget about the pain and have another. Well, thanks again.
Angie