[linda512]

My 8 year old nephew wants to know why we can't just send money to guatemala so the children can stay there and be raised by their birth parents. I was not the one to tell him that I am adopting, my brother and sister-in-law did, so I'm not sure exactly what they told him, but presumably something about the poverty there. I did not have a good response and had even less time to talk to him,they were getting in the car, but would like to talk to him about it.
He is only 8, in third grade, but very smart and very, very sensitive and thoughtful.
Any thoughts on what to tell him? Are there any good books anyone would recommend?
Thanks.

[wvamom]

My fifth grader suggested, how about, "His parents felt that they couldn't take care of him, and so they wanted him to have the opportunity to have parents who would be able to take care of him. Just sending money wouldn't help him to have parents to care for him."

Carolyn

[linda512]

Thanks, I will pass that on. It's a difficult topic.

[kacmom1]

My bio kids, who are 6, 8, 10 and 13 had lots of questions too about adoption and why the birthmom would give her son up. I tried to explain that she loved him so much that she wanted him to come to our family to have more opportunities with us and so that we could provide a good life for him. They know about the poverty in Guatemala and they know that some children will have a better life in a loving home in the US. It's just so hard for children to grasp the whole picture. My 8 year old, who is very smart and very sensitive and thoughtful, even asked if we would ever give her up for adoption if we ran out of money. I never thought of the fact that the kids would even consider that. She said "what if dad lost his job, would you give us to another family?" It about broke my heart. The adoption process is such an incredible learning experience for the kids. It's hard for them to completely understand...they can't even imagine how wonderful their life is here in our country compared to other parts of the world. Adoption has opened their eyes a bit to the world. It has taught them appreciation for what they have, for their siblings and parents and especially for the sweet little Guatemalan brother they now have!
As for your nephew, I would just be honest with him and explain the situation in which the birthmoms are in a lot of the time and tell him how special this child is to be coming into a loving home to a family who will help him to soar through life.

[kauai2k]

Although I am still reading and learning about how to talk to children about adoption, I still have this strong intuition that children are just amazing with how they perceive the experience. I agree that it is important to understand how much love drives this process - love for a person to want a better life for a child, and love from a person yearning to share/give to a child all that life can offer. It's about poverty and money, but it's mostly about love and hope.

I look forward to further discussion along this topic.
diane

[Devora]

A few books about Guatemala that might help (although they're not about adoption specifically):

Hands of the Maya: Villagers at Work and Play by Rachel Crandel (maybe ages 4-7?): Written by a US elementary school teacher who spent time in a Mayan Village in Belize. The pictures are all photos she took of the villagers. Along with the text the book describes the villagers' daily life with the theme of how they work, cooperate, etc. I like the use of photos!

The Corn Grows Ripe by Dorothy Rhoads (ages 8-12): A Newberry Honor Book that tells the story of a young Mayan boy who takes over the planting and harvesting of his family's maize after his father is injured. In addition to describing traditional agricultural life in a Mayan village it also has a moral about growing up and taking on responsibilities.

The Most Beautiful Place in the World by Ann Cameron (maybe ages 9-12?): The story of a young boy in Guatemala. This one is a bit heavier as it does deal with issues of poverty and abuse. But it also includes descriptions of the beauty of Guatemala. The moral of the story revolves around education -- Juan's dream is to be able to stop working and go to school so he can learn to read.

[linda512]

Thanks Devora- I just finished reading about some of those books on the children's book list thread. I ordered a couple of books about adoption for older kids online, if they are any good I will let people know. I will have a huge library of books on adoption before I am done. I hope my referral comes soon so I can buy baby stuff instead of more books!

[marie2005]

Kelly, I have a 6 year old daughter who has also asked me several times if we would give her up for adoption if we ran out of money and all variations of that question. And also if we will ever give Kimberly back, etc. This girl uses such logic on me, that it's hard for me to convince her we would never place either of them for adoption because we have resources and family to fall back on and are able to care for them. Oh, man, on a different topic, she questions so much that has almost exactly pinned me down on how babies are made.

[shellysarita]

I mentioned to a friend that the explanation for why a lot of these babies are placed for adoption is poverty. (This friend is very involved in mission work in Haiti.) Her response to me was that it would be better if we found a way to support the mother so that she could keep her baby. I was so shocked with the seemingly lack of support from her that I couldn't even respond.


How would you respond?

Shelly

[aniles]

I think explaining what the country is like as far as poverty (since it's nothing like what children see here) is good in addition to what the fifth grader mentioned - money is just not enough to help care for a child.

If you are a family of faith, you might also add something along the lines that sometimes God puts families together in special ways, and some babies and families are meant to be together even if they don't come from my tummy (or even if I don't give birth to them - depends on the age of child which you prefer to use).

Good luck!

[becky]

I think it is a very natural question. The answer I usually give is that I do donate money to help families in Guatemala...that has become the major place of giving for myself and my extended family. However, I did not know Bella's birthmother when she made the decision to place Bella for adoption. I do not know the many different reasons she may have had for her decision. I respect her and her right to choose what she felt was best for her daughter.

My hope is that by giving back I will hopefully help another birthmother be able to parent her child should she choose to do so.

Just a side issue...if you are looking for a really great organization to give holiday gifts of service...check out Seva. This organization has a variety of 'gifts of service' you can buy and they will give you a card to give the receipient at the holidays. Last year we bought one for my MIL...it was a gift so that two Guatemalan women or girls would have the materials needed to be taught to read. She loved this gift and this year I am giving her one that will provide training and materials to teach a Guatemalan midwife about modern birthing and medical practices...especially appropriate since so many babies in Guatemala are born with at home with a midwife in attendance.

[linda512]

I'm going to bump my own thread and see if anyone else has thoughts.

[spaypets]

Out of the mouths of babes, huh. I mean it's a legitimate question, which is probably why it's so uncomfortable.

Becky's answer is the closest to mine. I say that DD's bparents made the decision long before I knew about them and while poverty was one reason, I'm sure there were other reasons even though I don't know what they were. Also, like Becky, we do send money to organizations (in India where we adopted from) that help poor women who want to parent their children.

The other thing to tell children who worry that if daddy loses his job will they get sent to other parents is the fact that in places like Guatemala and India, poverty is permanent. Here, Daddy will find another job, and there are people who can help. The bparents in Guatemala don't have an education or resources and their economic situation won't get better.

[melgrant]

Personally I think one of the best responses to these questions is to help children understand that it's not poverty alone that cause children to be adopted. (After all, a lot of very poor women keep their children -- even in Guatemala.) If they understand this, they might better understand why (1) they are unlikely to ever need to be adopted "out" themselves; and (2) simply sending money to Guatemala wouldn't necessarily solve the problem.

It's usually a combination of poverty + lack of available family support and other (eg governmental) resources. For example, here in the US we have lots of resources to help keep families together, even in poverty: food stamps and food shelves; free basic education for the parent (which offers the chance for the parent to make a more or less livable wage); free basic education for the child (which frees up family resources for things like food); housing support; etc. Those things are missing in Guatemala.

Most of us can point to other family members who could help out if we were suddenly jobless or poor -- that is, I can tell my kids that if something happened to me and dad or our finances (temporarily or permanently), Grandma and Grandpa, their aunts and uncles, etc. would all pitch in. That reassures my kids that we will never be in a place where they would be "placed" for adoption. Even if we didn't have family available, the kinds of social services mentioned above would be there for us.

If a Guatemalan birthmother had similar extended-family and social resources available, perhaps she would keep her child. But sometimes those resources are simply missing: Grandma has to work in order to live; aunts already have as many children as they can care for; the bio mother is very young and is simply unready to be a parent. In those cases, the bio mother may not be able to find a way to parent her child. Just sending a check might not be enough: maybe the birth mother is very young and needs the chance to finish her education or develop a skill that will allow her to have a better future for herself (and any future children she may have). Or perhaps she is needed to care for other family members, and even if she had more money she would not be able to take care of a child.

Sorry! That was kind of long-winded. For a child, it might be enough to say something like "some Guatemalan mothers don't have enough money to take care of their children, and they don't have other people around who can help them out. So they decide the best thing for their child is to find a family that can provide a better life. That will never happen to you because if, for example, Daddy or I lost our job, we are lucky to live in a country where we could find another job. Also, if we needed help, Grandma Ellen and Grandpa Murray and Aunt Jo and Uncle Ben would help us out too. And there are even places where we could get food if we needed it -- remember the food shelf we donate to? well if we ever needed help, they would help us out -- that's what they are there for!" Something like that.

I know this is the kind of stuff that helped me as a kid. I was adopted, and I needed some comfort that if something happened to THESE parents I wouldn't need to find yet another family!

Since I'm already running off at the mouth (!!) I'll go out on a limb and mention one thing that I personally do NOT think is a good thing for a child to hear: that God intended for birth mommy X to have the baby, and adoptive mommy Y to raise it. Children who are told this can grow up afraid that God will make another placement decision in the future -- after all, didn't he yank me out of my home once already? who is to say he wouldn't do it again? And what does it say about God that he would make one lady so sad, just to make another lady happy?

Doesn't it make more sense to say that God is sad, too, that some mommies can't take care of their babies? but that God is happy that there are families out there who want to, and can, provide the needed home, love and support? and, even, if you so believe, that God helped birth mommy X find just the right home for her baby and adoptive family Y just the right baby for them? Just my opinion, of course.

[JanCA]

First of all I don't know if mine is a popular answer or an appropriate answer, but I do know that I have been mulling over this same question ever since I was emotionally struck by a photo of my baby girl's birth mother and I began to learn more about the way the indigenous Guatemalans have been struggling for centuries to retain their culture and ways of life. After hearing a talk by Guatemalan activist Rigoberta Menchu, I wondered what she would think of my adopting an indigenous baby girl from Guatemala. Would she understand and be glad that, until Guatemalans can make a better way of life for their poorest people, that this is a way for the children of Guatemala to have a better life? Or would she be offended that my baby girl has been taken away from the way of life she, herself, has fought for, and her family has lost their lives for? Believe me when I say I'm not pro-UNICEF in any way or any way close to anti-international adoption. I'm just trying to sort out the way my feelings and actions seem to be in conflict.

My answer to the question "Why can't we just send money to Guatemala so the children can stay there and be raised by their birth parents?" is three fold:

1. There is no reason why we can't. With the money we have spent on our adoption we could support the raising of many Guatemalan children a few times over.

2. We CAN send money to support Guatemalan children in Guatemala and many of us do. But that doesn't come close to solving the problem with poverty there.

3. I wanted a daughter.

I'd like to hear more discussion on this. In talking over stuff like this I'm always enlightened by other's thoughts.