[Devora]

A couple of weeks ago I asked if people were interested in having a discussion of Cheri Register’s new book Beyond Good Intentions: A Mother Reflects on Raising Internationally Adopted Children. A bunch of people were interested, so I said that I would post a new thread in a couple of weeks. Well, that time is here. So, if you have read all or part of the book, jump in with your thoughts!

Staying Involved
I’ll start off with a few general things that struck me. First off, I really appreciate reading the perspectives of a mother whose children are grown. As a parent who has just recently completed her child’s adoption, I resonated with what Cheri said about online forums, conferences, etc. being dominated by people who are in process or recently finished their child’s adoption process. Only, I experience it from the flip side – whereas she found she didn’t always seem to belong, I find myself longing to hear more from parents whose children are older. So I hope that more parents of adult children will heed her call to stay involved. And it’s also a call that I want to take seriously in the months and years to come. Although I don’t read the forum in anywhere as much detail as I used to, I am committed to staying involved – even if I respond to threads more selectively. I also want to say that, although their children are still relatively young, I really appreciate people like Becky, Kevin K, Brink, and Sharon (who adopted from China) who have stayed involved here. I think they bring different perspectives. Sometimes it may be hard for people who are in the emotions of the process to hear what they have to say, but I think it’s great that they’re willing to put their thoughts out there.

Adoption Issue vs. Adolescent Issue
One question I found myself asking a lot (and this is not a criticism of the book) is: How do you discern what is an adoption issue versus what is an adolescent or parenting issue? When we were in our process I was talking with a colleague of mine who was doing an adoption from China through a different agency. He said that in one of their classes this was stressed and the example that was given was that when your teenage child says, “My real dad would let me take the car...” you respond with something like, “This is a parenting issue, not an adoption issue. I’m your parent and I have made my decision that you can’t take the car tonight.” It was helpful to me to hear that. However, in Cheri’s book I realized that it’s not always so obvious what the issue is.

One reason that I think it’s not so obvious is because, as Cheri said, unless we are adopted ourselves, we will never understand what it’s like for our child to be adopted. I think that’s really important to keep in mind as a way of keeping check on myself. Yes, all children struggle with identity issues in adolescence – and I can relate to that, but I can never know what it means to struggle with establishing one’s own identity in the context of being an adopted child or in the context of being a Hispanic child whose parents are white. So while there are parts of my son’s experiences I can relate to, there’s always this part of his experience that I can’t know.

Listening to Our Children
Related to that, though, is the fact that we can listen to our children. I really liked the many examples Cheri gave of times when she did and did not listen well to her daughters. I can’t know what it feels like to be adopted (and even if I was adopted, my experience may be very different from my son’s), but I can listen to him talk about what it’s like for him. But I think that does take making ourselves vulnerable. This was especially clear to me when she was talking about the example of going on vacation to someplace where her daughters might not feel comfortable. We have to be willing to hear and admit that we made a mistake. While this is true for all parents, I think it may take on an extra emotional intensity as my son grows older because it means being willing to hear implicit or explicit judgments about our decision to bring him into our family through adoption.

Being Honest with Ourselves
I also generally appreciated the way Cheri’s use of the caricatures made me more honest with myself. On the one hand, I can see how the caricatures at the beginning of each chapter could be off-putting. It was also easy for me to dismiss them with the thought, “I would never think that way.” But as I read each chapter I realized how there were (or could be) little ways that I fall into that kind of thinking. So for me this book is one that I will skim through off and on throughout the years (I hope) to keep myself in check. Too, so much of it is about things I will encounter in the future but that don’t necessarily apply as much to being the parent of an 8-month old. But some of the dynamics do start now and I need to stay aware of them. For example, I’ve found myself a couple of times this week watching my son play and laugh and smile at me and thinking, “I hope that as you grow older you’re just as happy to be a part of this family.” So I think the seeds of the things Cheri wrote about do start early.

Sorry to say so much. I don’t want to dominate the discussion, but thought that these things might help get the discussion going. What do others think?

Devora

[csw]

I haven't read it yet..maybe I will pick it up...I have a 14 year old son..you are right..sometimes its hard to tell what is adoption issues vs. 'normal' kid issues..he has said hurtfull things to me when he is upset or angry..the old 'you are not my mother' type of things..what we went through in Peru was a nightmare and I would have thought from him reading the journals I wrote at the time, seeing all the photo's he would understand what we went through to bring him home..but alas..kids esp teenagers are a bit self centered..I am hoping when he is older he will truly understand how much we wanted him and how much we went through (living in Peru for 6 months etc..) for us to be a family. He is realizing he is not 'white' and I am so happy about that..I never dwelled on the differences but made sure he knew he was indigenous Quechua and proud of his heritage..which he is..he has Peruvian artifacts, is learing Spanish and knows about the Inca history etc..
I am actually surprised with how well things go as far as adoption issues, and I think a large part is that I started when he was very young..making him feel very special because he is adopted. We also give him the option of going back to Peru whenever he is ready, and meeting his birthfamily..so I think that has really helped. He got out a box of his things from Peru and I got teary..the outfit the foster mother brought him to me in etc..his first white shoes..
Read up as much as you can, go to seminars etc..and yes there will be trying times, like with any child..but things have a way of working out..he seemed to have alot of anger issues and we had him in counseling..do whatever it takes and things will work out ok..just be there for them and listen to what they have to say and don't take things personally if they are angry at times..

[ddhuab]

I had read a few negatives here, so I thought it was going to be a real downer, but I actually thought it brought up some important issues... I LOVED that it was written by a mother with adult children, and I loved the fact that this issue is so important to her that for twenty five years she has read articles and books and recetnly attendended a conference that involved adult international adoptees.

Register is certainly correct in stating that only in the last few years have we been given the chance to hear about international adoption from an adult adoptee's perspective.

The question of Adolescence vs. Adoption anger/confusion is one that I think about often... along with the fact that such feelings of angst can start earlier than what we typically think of the teenage years. I agree that I found Cheri's stories informative as she read more into the situation in retrospect than she did at the time the event/discussion occurred.

The thing that affected me in the most "negative way," I guess, was when she mentioned her daughters never really feeling connected to the extended family. She touched on a secret fear that I have for my future child/children. Of course, I have been feeling quite disconnected from most of my family anyway (except my mother -- I am an only child), since I moved away and my grandparents died, and it becomes strikingly apparent, each time I visit, that my social beliefs are very different from most of my extended family's. I think the transracial issue could make a strained relationship even more likely, but there is a good chance it would be something that likely was apparent regardless of the race of our adopted child.... and, truly, it could be the same situation if we had a biological child, except I think That Single, Genetic Connection would possibly be the ONE THING that might make them feel connected to any child of mine.

I have a SIL, however, who was adopted from Korea at the age of 3 weeks -- or maybe 3 months, but I remember thinking that was REALLY young -- (her parents were stationed in Korea at the time and they went to the orphanage to get her). Anyway, she seems to be QUITE integrated into her family (and very much with the extended family, as well) and has never showed any interest up to this point of getting in touch with her roots. I want to talk with her about it soon (probably this summer when/if we get a chance to go visit them). Her grandmother even gave the family engagement ring to her, despite the fact that she is the second daughter in her immediate family, and she is the only one that is adopted... the family does not seem to think of her as "adopted" at all.

I have one more comment/question (for now), but I am going to post it seperately so that all my points don't get jumpled up into this already too-long post.

D.

[ddhuab]

Q: Did any of you catch Cheri's discussion about moving to a more culturally diverse area (avoiding living in a mostly caucasion suburb/city)? I believe she pointed out something like, your child has traveled so many miles to relocate for you, why can't you travel a few miles and relocate for him/her?

This idea struck me because my husband and I were just talking earlier that day about possibly moving away from the south (although, truly, you can encounter homogeniety anyway in many places outside the south), as register pointed out in her examples (none of which were about southern states)... The idea, really, was not so much about making a big move to a diverse city like San Francisco or New York, etc., but rather moving to a different neighborhood that had some people that might look like your child (or at least that had some non-whites, I guess). A move to a different neighborhood would literally involve changing houses schools, but not so much changing jobs and become a huge upheaval.

D.

[Devora]

Connections to Extended Family
I noted Cheri's comments about the lack of connections to extended family, but I think that is a bit more of a family-specific issue. By that, I mean that it sounds like SHE wasn't all that connected with her extended family so I'm not sure that if she had biological children they would have been all that connected anyway.

However, I think she also got at the point that your child's connections can be affected by how your relates to them. We are blessed to have family who are thrilled about our choice to adopt (perhaps after 11 years of marriage they didn't care how we had kids!). But I think this is a good example of how a potential issue with extended family can take on a different feeling for an adopted child. A biological child may not feel connected, but just accept that as the way their family is. An adopted child may think it's because they're adopted.

Moving
I really appreciated Cheri's reflections on how she did not move to a more diverse neighborhood, but in retrospect thinks it would have been better if she had. I also like how she didn't make it be like you have to move to some big city, but it may just be a matter of what neighborhood you live in. My husband and I are (unfortunately) about to do a national job search and this is definitely one of our main considerations in choosing where we move to. But it's not just a matter of how large the local Hispanic community is. For me it's also a matter of what the climate is like for the community -- is there a lot of blatant racism and segregation? or is the local Hispanic community respected on the whole and integrated as an important part of the larger community?

[Amykk]

Originally Posted by ddhuab

Q: Did any of you catch Cheri's discussion about moving to a more culturally diverse area (avoiding living in a mostly caucasion suburb/city)? I believe she pointed out something like, your child has traveled so many miles to relocate for you, why can't you travel a few miles and relocate for him/her?

This idea struck me because my husband and I were just talking earlier that day about possibly moving away from the south (although, truly, you can encounter homogeniety anyway in many places outside the south), as register pointed out in her examples (none of which were about southern states)... The idea, really, was not so much about making a big move to a diverse city like San Francisco or New York, etc., but rather moving to a different neighborhood that had some people that might look like your child (or at least that had some non-whites, I guess). A move to a different neighborhood would literally involve changing houses schools, but not so much changing jobs and become a huge upheaval.

D.

D -
Yes I did catch that part and the part about the vacation (i.e., going somewhere where your child will feel uncomfortable). I find myself watching the school kids walking home when I drive past our local schools to try to see what kind of racial makeup we have and how our son will blend in to this community. Although there aren't a lot of hispanic kids, at least everyone is not caucasian. My husband and I have talked about moving somewhere more rural, but we do need to think about our son now and where he will feel most comfortable.

I did think that the author put forth international adoption in a very negative light - there was one quote that said something to the effect of "now that the damage is done and you have your child home".

The book left me a little confused on HOW MUCH we should celebrate cultural differences - for example, the chapter on preserving culture vs. the chapter on not appropriating the child's culture were a little bit contradictory. I realize there needs to be a balance - but there wasn't much guidance on what an appropriate balance would be.

I just wish the book had more examples of parents who did a good job of raising their internationally adopted kids so that we could get some guidance on what we can do right vs. what everyone is doing wrong.

[jal_morris]

One of the things that has been interesting for me in reading this book is that I, too, live in Minneapolis. Minnesota in general, and the Twin Cities in particular has the highest per capita rate of int'l adoptions in the country (or used to) and I believe still tops the charts for Korean adoptions. I do think we've learned a lot since the first plane-loads of Korean children were flown to the States 20+ years ago, but many of her cautionary tales are still valid for families with children adopted from other countries (although I do think they are very colored - necessarily - by her experience adopting from Korea) (I also really didn't like the whole Tapoda thing, even though I understand how she came to it). Finding the right balance between honoring your child's culture, race, heritage, country vs. being fixated with it (and thus the adoption) vs. trying to co-opt your child's culture and heritage (or expect to be welcomed into with with open arms "just" because of one's child) is a really tricky thing and something I think we'll all be struggling with to various degrees the whole time our children are growing up.

I know I've been struggling with how to do that in a city with a relatively large Mexican community, but virtually no Guatemalans (except for a large adoptee community). I have to be realistic -- my social circle does not include any Latinos (although I have some connections through work), and I need to do something about it. The pediatrician I selected is white with blonde hair - a true Minnesotan (the Latina pediatrician who others had recommended is not taking new patients). So, I figure I'll just have to find a Latino/a dentist! Luckily, there's a dual-immersion Spanish program in a local neighborhood school, but I'm not sure if its the best school academically, so I may have to make some trade-offs there. I've tried to find a child care place that has diversity both in its care-givers and its children, but I was not willing/comfortable to consider some centers in more urban neighborhoods where the majority of the kids/teachers would have been Latino. Could I have tried harder? Undoubtedly.

OK, so now I'm rambling. But I think Register makes some very good points about doing what's comfortable/easy for the adoptive parents vs. what's best/more comfortable for our adoptive kids.

I look forward to hearing what others think!

[aniles]

I am an adoptee, and I think that how a child fits in to a family is very complicated. I feel very connected to my extended family (cousins, grandparents, etc.) and it's probably because I was never made to feel like I was the adopted one. I was always my parent's daughter, and it just didn't matter. I also think, however, that every person is different and another person in my shoes may have felt very different. There's a little bit of personal biology, and a little bit of how the family acts towards and relates to the adopted child. I know my adoption was always understood, but never focused on because it simply wasn't important. I was just a member of the family, plain and simple.

[becky]

I have read the first 3 or 4 chapters. I have found it somewhat enlightening. In all honesty I do not believe that the teenage problems she mentioned were necessarily adoption related at all. As the parent of three teenagers (non of whom were adopted) I can honestly say that 'issues' in the teenage years have move to do with the specific child than anything else. I have two who have moved through these years very easily and one who has had more problems than I care to think about. Did I raise them any differently? No. Did I love them any differently? No. The difference...this child has a competely different personality and set of interests than the two other. I can see this happening with adopted children as well...some will effortlessly and easily move to adulthood and others will not.

The thing that I like best about the book is that it brings an awareness to some parents who probably never even considered the idea that their child might grow up and leave them for their birthfamily or birth country. I do not think many families who are currently parenting young children ever think of this as even a possibility.

I will share more as I continue into the book...

[khaki17]

I finished the book this weekend and I am glad to listen in on this conversation. To be honest, I found this a difficult book to read (the emotional content,not the actual reading of it). I felt like she was really portraying international adoption very negatively. In an ideal world, there would not be a need for adoption, agreed. But, this is really a counter-productive argument. In an ideal world, there would not be wars. In an ideal world, there would not be poverty. In an ideal world, there would not be violence. So, in this less than ideal world, what are reasonable, sensible options?

Anyway, I think I better look more closely at the book again before I go on.

[Chop]

Jal_Morris and any other Twin City dwellers - I go to a large non-denominational church that has a latino ministry. They listen simultaniously to the service in spanish. So we have many from Mexico, Guatemala, Brazil and Peru. If your interested in the church PM me.

[Anne22]

I really had a mixed reaction to the book.

On the one hand, I learned a lot from reading the book. And, the book gave me a lot of things to think about -- particularly about issues related to being a white person raising a child who is of a different race and culture.

As Devora mentioned, the book was a wonderful reminder about how important it is to really listen to our children. I really honor that. As the author puts it, "Listening with ears open and mouth shut." That was the most positive thing I took from the book.

On the other hand, I found myself having to remind myself over and over again something I read elsewhere that resonated with me -- adoption is intended to heal the trauma, not to be a trauma in and of itself. I found myself feeling guilty for adopting, as if, by adopting my son, I would be hurting him. I had to keep reminding myself that while, absolutely, children who are adopted have to deal with the loss of their birth family and birth culture, that just as adopting does not erase that hurt, it also, in and of itself, doesn't make the hurt worse!

I also found myself resisting the author's tendency, I thought, to see her daughters' issues as adoption-related. I kept thinking that these kids were also the product of a divorce and that that likely had an impact, too. I kept thinking that it's so hard to know what's adoption-related and what's not.

I also resisted her presumption that, in some ways biology is destiny. When the author talked about how her children came to her with distinct personalities and traits, that they were not entirely hers to mold because they were separate beings, I kept thinking that that's true for biological children, too. As Kahil Gibran wrote:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

I too saw the author's view of adoption as somewhat negative. At one point she says that "[n]early all adoptive families encounter times of crisis that could be eased by therapy." I don't know that I buy the idea that "[n]early all adoptive families" are going to be in crisis at one point or another.

And, I found myself resisting the idea that being adopted is so completely different from any other kind of experience that I cannot possibly understand it or barely imagine what it's like. Absolutely, I can't know what it feels like to be adopted. But, I do know in very real ways what it feels like to grieve and to suffer deep losses early in life. And, I know first-hand that surviving deep loss takes strength and resilience. I guess I kept having to remind myself that while I can't know in my bones what it's like to be adopted, I can empathize.

Maybe my thoughts and feelings about what the author had to say will change as I grow in this process. I'm not even a parent yet, as my son is not yet even my son -- he's in Guatemala. So, perhaps all of this will take on a different meaning to me when I'm living the experience, instead of just thinking about it.

Just my opinion . . .

I hope I didn't offend.

[becky]

Anne...I agree. I will take her words a step farther...not only do almost all adoptive families face times of crises that could be erased by therapy...I would say that almost ALL families face times of crises that could be erased by therapy. Again...what is adoption related and what is not. Of course there is no way to ever really know the answer to that.

As parents the best we can do is listen to our children, be aware of and respectful of their feelings, call 'BS' when they play the 'it's because your not my real parent game'...and live life.

You bring up an excellent point about her blaming her children on not being biologically related to her for why she couldn't 'mold' them....as I said in my earlier post, as the mother of 4 biological children...they couldn't me more different from one another and very much different from me. Do I see some similarities? Sure...but I also see them in my adopted daughter. I think so of this woman's perspective is because she only raised adopted children...so she has no comparison group if you will.

I'd like to bring up a different issue...one not discussed in the book, but more personal to my situation as a parent. I have done a birthmother search and had disasterous results. I won't go into a lot of details, but just suffice it to say that I could never see myself willingly helping my daughter find her birthfamily. Not because I don't believe in it...I do, that's why I spent so much money and time trying to make contact....but because of the things I have learned since I made contact...all things that I think would be very hurtful to my daughter if she ever found out.

My dilemma...if and when the time comes that Bella asks for me to help her find her birthmother...do I tell her I've already done it and tell her the things I know? Do I play dumb and just go along and 'hope' we do not find her a second time?

I cannot imagine what I am going to do when this happens...

[Devora]

Amy, I find it interesting that you were somewhat frustrated by the lack of specific guidance, for example on the issue of ignoring culture vs. going too far and appropriating culture. I read the book in a slightly different light -- I think Cheri intentionally wasn't giving specific dos and don'ts because the bigger point is that we need to be listening closely to our children on these issues throughout their lives for how their needs and experiences change over time; and that we need to be monitoring our own ways of thinking over time. I didn't see the chapters about ignoring culture vs. appropriating culture as being contradictory -- just that she was illustrating how some parents (including herself) go too far one way and some go too far the other -- and sometimes one person can do both at different times.

I find it interesting that some people feel she portrayed international adoption negatively. Being the mom to two children she adopted internationally and having been involved in international adoption for many years, I think she's actually very supportive of it. And I think her book is an attempt to get people to think about issues so that the experience of international adoption can be an even more positive one. I think what she's critical about is how parents (herself included) sometimes swing the pendulum too far on some of these issues.

While in some ways I would have liked some concrete dos and don'ts, I think I actually was more challenged by the open-ended nature of the book. These are issues I need to keep thinking about over the years. There are no answers -- just an ongoing process.

Great discussion!! I hope more people chime in!
Devora

[Shoshana]

Aargh! I have this book on my wish list at Amazon but haven't managed to order it yet. I will -- and hopefully soon because I'd love to be an informed participant in this discussion. I've already resisted the impulse to respond to comments/ideas since I haven't read the book yet.

I did want to respond, however, to Becky's comment above because it's important (sorry if this is too OT for the thread):

"I'd like to bring up a different issue...one not discussed in the book, but more personal to my situation as a parent. I have done a birthmother search and had disasterous results. I won't go into a lot of details, but just suffice it to say that I could never see myself willingly helping my daughter find her birthfamily. Not because I don't believe in it...I do, that's why I spent so much money and time trying to make contact....but because of the things I have learned since I made contact...all things that I think would be very hurtful to my daughter if she ever found out."

I'm so sorry for the outcome of the search, Becky. Of course you believe in it, that's why you initiated the search. I can understand that you don't want your daughter to have that information.

"My dilemma...if and when the time comes that Bella asks for me to help her find her birthmother...do I tell her I've already done it and tell her the things I know? Do I play dumb and just go along and 'hope' we do not find her a second time?"

I don't think it's a good idea to play dumb -- in essence, and I know you know this, you'd be lying (by omission). What if the results the second time around were even worse than the first? If she found out you lied, then her trust in you will be shaken at a time when she'll need you the most.

I'll share a related story that may help put this in perspective...

My sister, also adopted, has a hearing loss. We didn't know until her kids were tested that her hearing loss was genetic. All three of her sons have a mild/moderate to moderate/severe impairment. Nancy received a court order to open her records in the state of Indiana. Not an easy accomplishment. To make a long story short, the information she learned was appalling. Her biological mother is, to be blunt, quite disturbed and cruel. The bio mother relinquished 8 children, kept 2, and kept Nancy for 3 mos. Two of the 8 died in the orphanage under suspicious circumstances. Nancy has made contact with some of the siblings, some have refused, and her bio mother has been plain rotten -- eventually she did get her medical history and learned her bio father was deaf (although he was not the man listed on the birth certificate).

Learning this information, especially when she so desperately needed it and since she knew I'd had such a positive outcome for my search, was just devastating for her. It took her a few years to gain any peace, but she did get there -- she became closer to our parents (the same happened to me) and truly began to view adoption differently. She IS grateful for the knowledge because she has answers now -- even if they are not the ones she would have chosen. She knows who she looks like, she knows what her life might have been. Unfortunately, not all searches turn out well, not all birthmothers are "saints" (an inappropriate, imo, euphemism that I see frequently).

I do not know any of the details of your search, but I'm imagining the worst. Adoption is so often painted in a rosy way -- Yes, I think adoption is a good thing. I think even if adoptees struggle with adoption issues that it is still (assuming no coersion of the bio parents) a good thing. I have the highest faith that adoptees have every ability to be happy and lead productive lives. I know deep in my heart that one's status as an adoptee does not minimize or negate one's love for a-parents. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not a good thing, imo, to only paint adoption in a rosy light for kids, especially as they get older. If it is painted this way, then the questions and concerns they have don't make sense -- the concerns/questions have no realistic context. I've read on other forums here (I'm thinking mainly foster-to-adopt) that it's very important to share the "truth" with kids in an age appropriate way.

I apologize for rambling but I did want to share some of my thoughts with you.

By the way, Xiomara's first mother has recently married and has a new baby (there is another daughter who is 3 years older than Xiomara). Her husband knows nothing of the adoption and thus, there is no ability for ongoing contact. At this point in time, I will have to be satisfied with pictures. This information alone will be difficult -- "why was I the one placed for adoption and not my sisters?" I still believe, however, that it's much better than no knowledge which usually leads to distorted fantasies - whether positive or negative.