[becky]

thanks Elizabeth...I guess I do 'know' that what you say is correct...it's just painful to think I will ever have to tell her some of the things I have learned.

The situation isn't really awful...but it's going to be hurtful...I know that much. I guess my biggest fear is that when I tell her what I have learned she is going to think I am trying to "paint an ugly picture" of her birthfamily. I know so many adopted children have that vision of the perfect/saintly birthfamily. I don't want to be the one to crush that vision for her.

I know I have to be strong and know that eventually she will realize that I am just the messenger...but without anyone else around to lash out at, I am pretty sure it's going to be me since I am the one who is going to share the news. Oh well...no one ever said parenthood was easy!

Thanks for your response...it is very helpful to hear your experiences.

[Amykk]

Originally Posted by becky

thanks Elizabeth...I guess I do 'know' that what you say is correct...it's just painful to think I will ever have to tell her some of the things I have learned.

The situation isn't really awful...but it's going to be hurtful...I know that much. I guess my biggest fear is that when I tell her what I have learned she is going to think I am trying to "paint an ugly picture" of her birthfamily. I know so many adopted children have that vision of the perfect/saintly birthfamily. I don't want to be the one to crush that vision for her.

I know I have to be strong and know that eventually she will realize that I am just the messenger...but without anyone else around to lash out at, I am pretty sure it's going to be me since I am the one who is going to share the news. Oh well...no one ever said parenthood was easy!

Thanks for your response...it is very helpful to hear your experiences.

Becky - I think I understand how you are feeling. Some of the information in our social work report paints a really bad picture of our son's birthfather. I can't imagine telling him about it, or at what age he would be able to handle it. Also, his birthmother made it very clear to our agency that she does not want future contact - so that is another tough one to explain. I don't want him to have false hopes of having a happy reunion with her someday. I guess I have plenty of time to think about it since he is only 8 mos. old, but I still dread the day.

[Devora]

Becky & Amy,

For what it's worth, it seems to me that because you know this information, you can use it early on even without telling your child things they aren't old enough to handle. By that, I mean that you can make sure you don't say things that reinforce a "saintly" image. Even if it's general statements -- without knowing the details, it's hard to give an example. But even something like letting them know that it is very difficult to make an adoption plan for a child and that some parents cope with that by asking for pictures/contact and other parents cope with that by not asking for pictures/contact. That way, whichever the situation is, they've both in the context of "making an adoption plan is hard to do" and it's not like you're passing judgement.

They do sound like very hard situations. I think lots of families have those kinds of things to deal with -- that's why I value discussions like this! It helps me to talk about the issues BEFORE they actually come up.

Devora

[Devora]

I'm just bumping this thread -- a lot of people were interested in the book, so I want to make sure everyone's had a chance to see the discussion. There's a lot there to talk about!

[Bassette]

I just wanted to voice my support. This is a great idea and i wish that I had time to read the book but it just hasn't happened yet. I will be reading and following along as I'm sure I will learn a fair amount from your posts!

[aniles]

I personally think it is important to let the child make the decision if s/he wants to know any information about their birthfamily. Once they understand they are adopted they can make that decision. They may have questions, but they may not. They might not be ready to hear bfamily info until they are 12, 25, 50 or never, and it might be traumatic to force it on them if they don't want to know. It is important to understand that. I was adopted and never really had an interest in my b-family. Now that I"m an adult, I'm SLIGHTLY curious, but more for medical information, and it's something I will never pursue - I don't need to. I know everything my mom has told me, which is not much, but my bmom simply gave birth to me. I don't need to know her - I have a mom. But, many others feel the total opposite. So, again, every child is different, but make sure they come to you wanting the information rather than making them hear it when they aren't ready.

This is such a great discussion. I'm torn about whether or not I should get this book.

[Devora]

I'm just bumping this for people who may have done a little reading over the weekend. (I'm pretty tech-saavy, but when I did a "Search This Forum" using the book title which is in the thread title, it didn't come up -- so I figure if I had a hard time getting it to come up, others may have difficulty finding it if it's buried.)

Let's keep talking! Shoshana, please continue to join in the conversation -- I really value your insights and would love to hear what you think of the book if you get it. It really is a QUICK read.

Devora

[Devora]

It's been a while since anyone posted on this discussion, but I know there were a bunch more people who were interested in the book, so I just thought I would bump it back up.

[Shoshana]

Thanks, Devora, I ordered the book! It's en route from Amazon...

Aniles -- I can't imagine a parent "forcing" information on their child, nor can I imagine that basic information that most people take for granted (i.e., eye color, height, nationality, religion, etc. etc.) could be traumatic. If an adoptee is truly not at all curious, then there would be no reason to share information about his/her past. Then again, I can't imagine NOT sharing basic information -- if there is truly --no-- curiosity (versus a defensive/protective posture), then the information would be completely neutral, and certainly not harmful.

Personally, I'm much more secure knowing that I have tried/am trying to gather info re Xiomara's bio family, and share info with them in return, than to do nothing. If it doesn't work out, I tried. If she's not interested, nothing is lost. If she does need to know, I'll be able to facilitate.

When I think about it, this is kind of a non-topic -- if age-appropriate information is shared when it is available, then there is no trauma, and knowledge becomes the norm. I have a hunch that "trauma" is more often created by a lack of info, than by the reverse. I think knowledge is much closer to a "normal" state of being than the lack of knowledge that pervaded the institution of adoption in my era.

[Anne22]

Becky:

I was thinking of you this week and last because there has been a very thoughtful discussion on the "big list" recently about how to talk to our children about their birth families when the information we have to give them is likely to be very difficult to hear. I remembered your posts on this thread and thought that if you're not already on the list, you might want to join if only to check out the posts. There were several from adult adoptees that I thought were particularly helpful.

Cheers,

[Devora]

just bumping this up in case anymore people have read the book since the last post