[AddisonsMommy]

(NOTE - I've cross posted this to the Big List also, so if you've already replied via Big List, then THANK YOU!)

Hello Everyone,

I'm trying to help some friends do a little research
and need to hear from The Forums. This family has
already been through a great deal of grief, and I'd
like to help them allay their adoption fears.

If any of you have accepted a referral and THEN later
had to walk away due to health concerns of the child,
I would love to hear from you.

My questions are pretty basic...

At what point in the process did this happen?
What made you determine that it was best to reject the
referral of a certain child?
At what point is it "too late" to reject a referral or
stop an adoption from becoming finalized?
How did you handle this with your agency? Were there
ill feelings? Were they supportive of you?
Was a provision for this, written in your contract?
Was money lost? Were additional costs involved?
Did you receive another referral through the same
agency? Did you then have a much longer wait?
Are there specific ramifications, as in what are the
adoptive parents' rights and responsibilities?

Agencies...your take on this is also very valuable!
Does your contract make provisions for such a case?
I know this may vary by agency and by contract, but I
would like to hear any first hand experiences.

Anything that anyone would like to share would REALLY
be very helpful! Feel free to PM me about this.

Thanks so much!

Jen
Mommy to the Amazing Addison Grace, 17 months old!

[mildredjohn]

Hello, I don't know if what we had was a similar situation but this is our story:

We asked to our agency a healthy referral. When our first referral came was a baby girl with congenital syphilis and the CW told us right when she was giving us the info.
After a hard analysis and many talks with specialists we decided to decline the referral for several personnal reasons. I called the agency and explained them our reasons and our wish to receive a healthy referral no matter if later the baby could get sick.
They understood our reasons and even let us #1 in the waiting list for the next referral.
By that time we haven't paid any attorney's fee for referral, just the agency fee and we didn't loose any money or pay xtra because of that.

many blessings,

[Mamarama]

My contract says that if a serious medical condition is discovered during the adoption that was not known at the time of the referral, the parent/s will be consulted as to whether or not they wish to continue.

If they do not wish to continue, they will be offered another referral and all monies paid transferred to that next adoption.

I am sure that I speak for just about all adoption professionals when I say that we want what is best for everyone, and there would be no hard feelings at all. The last thing we would want is to place a child with a family that might not be equipped to handle a medical condition or special need.

I would encourage your friends to talk with their agency -- they will most likely find the agency compassionate towards them as well as the child.

Hope it all works out,

T

P.S. -- It's to late to "back out" once the case has been approved by PGN. If your friends are in PGN right now and they are having second thoughts they should have the agency pull the file now before an approval is issued.

[busterleroy]

Actually, the how late can you cancel adoption process question reminded me of the saddest thing. We were on our pick up trip, at the Embassy, and a couple was called to the window to discuss their request to cancel their I-600. The man said that his wife 'hadn't really bonded with the baby' and they had some things going on at home, or something along those lines. They had the most adorable baby boy with them, about 10 months old and my heart was just breaking. The embassy employee said to them over and over, " you do understand that the adoption has been completed here in Guatemala, and this child has no one who will care for him when you leave'.. and ' I can't tell you what to do, but you might want to consider working with your agency to place him immediately with a family who is waiting for a child.'

It was so hard to watch, the waiting room was full of furious adopting parents - at the very least, if the family was reluctant to adopt or had questions about bonding, they had months and months to halt the adoption. If he is able to be adopted again, I am sure this creates all sorts of trouble for the poor baby when PGN reviews the case in the future. I pray that baby boy found a loving family.

[AddisonsMommy]

Wow, busterleroy, that is a very tragic story. I really do hope and pray that baby boy finds a family where he is loved and cherished as he so deserves to be!

I witnessed a similar event when I was there for my pickup trip. (Last winter)...a family came for the pickup trip and ultimately ended up LEAVING the baby behind. The agency had to put him back in the foster home and then figure out what to do. It was sooo so sad! You know what the reason was? The adoptive mother made some comments about the baby "crying all night" and said she just really didn't know how to cope. What!!???

It was very upsetting to my agency (they were the ones processing this particular adoption) and what's more, I think everyone tends to forget that you cannot just "UNDO" an adoption after it is finalized! In Guatemala, that is ABANDONMENT and it is a jailable offense. I do not know what happened to that adoptive mother but she was under close scrutiny and faced possible charges or prison time!

Anyway, I digress. If anyone does have any experiences with adoptions being stopped BEFORE they are out of PGN and finalized, please pass them on.

Thanks again,
Jen

[beachdreams]

We almost had this happen to us. After about two months of accepting her referral, we got a horrible call that I will remember forever telling us that she probably has leukemia. I was then told if she ended up having it, we could turn down her referral and all money spent thus far would be transferred to another referral and that we would be placed at the top of the list. However, we had to wait for a referral to come from the attorney we were already working with. Thank the heavens above, her test came out negative so we did not have to think about it.

[becky]

I think in situations of serious medical conditions it's almost always the case that the family can wait for a referral of another baby with the same attorney. However, I have seen families change their minds about referrals when very minor medical conditions arise and this really makes the attorneys mad. In some cases I have heard that attorneys will refuse to work with the family for another referral and will not return the portion of the money that has already been paid.

[Mamarama]

Becky, you really bring up an excellent point.

I'm sure this isn't the case with your friends AddisonsMommy, but sitting my chair -- I do see the unfortunate trend with US families for the quest for the perfect child, which in my opinion commoditizes the child.

I have seen a family have "medical issues" with a child whose ears seemed to be growing so they were going to stick out "and would need corrective cosmetic surgery."

I have had seen families develop concerns over certain physical features that, as the child developed, just didn't seen to fit that families idea of attractiveness.

But this is still a small percentage and for the most part we see the very best in people. I have had two families enthusiastically commit to adopt HIV + babies before it was known if the baby would or would not actually be HIV positive.

Children do seem to always go where they are meant to be, and a child with a newly discovered SERIOUS medical condition -- a condition that could alter their potential future for good health in some way -- might be meant to be with a family other than the originally referred family. That's not to say the first family isn't a wonderful family - just for a different child.

[vh9076]

BusterLeroy -
I was one of the families at the Embassy that witnessed that sad situation. I think of that little boy often - he was an adorable little boy.

Becky or anyone else, what will happen to him?

Vicki

[wvamom]

Vicki--Since his adoption was already finished as far as Guatemala was concerned, he could potentially be adopted domestically in the US. I have seen that happen before. The first adoptive parents would have to terminate their rights in their state.
Carolyn

[Clare'sMom]

Well this is kind-off on the subject... We were advised by a very respected adoption Physician not to adopt our newest daughter.... She was very ill at birth and had a brain bleed/stroke before she was a month old. We were told she had Cerebral Palsy and would not be NORMAL... Well, when we first expressed intrest in her we did so knowing that no matter what, she was ours and that we would love her and care for her, and make her the best person she could be no matter what... If you have a bio child its a shot in the dark from the start- we have three and one was born with a corectable birth defect, you can't give them back! So we treated this situation like any other expectant parent, prepare for the worst but hope and pray for the best!!! Elizabeth will be home in two weeks, and has appointment to see her new Pedicatric Neurologist the following week. Is she OK? to the best of our knowledge she is doing everything an average 16month old is doing and she does it with Attitiude!! Are we THRILLED you better Believe it!!! Ann

[becky]

Ann...that is amazing and I give you lots of credit for sticking with Clare...I'll bet she brings your family a boat load of happiness!!

[busterleroy]

Bumping, wondering if Becky or any other agency folks have thoughts about what other prospects the adorable baby boy we saw at the Embassy has - the situation haunts me. How would he get to the US to be readopted? Would his agency coordinate that?

[becky]

Well...it's hard to say. I really have no idea what happens in this situation---I don't know that he could come to the US because I don't think he has the Visa since the family didn't accept him. I think it is a disrupted adoption down in Guatemala actually...so what 'might' happen is someone else there would adopt him. I am hoping that he was returned to his foster mother and sometimes the attorneys will assist the foster mothers in adopting in a situation like this.

I think for him to be able to be adopted in the US, the family would have had to bring him to the US and then disrupt the adoption. I have 'heard' of at least one case where this happened. The couple had their child escorted home and when they went to the airport to meet the escort and the baby they wouldn't accept her because her skin was too dark. I was absolutely sickened by this case!! The baby went into a foster home and was adopted domestically.

I guess in the end it is better that these people do not adopt...but the poor suffering children...makes me so sad.

[busterleroy]

Thanks so much Becky! Of course it makes perfect sense that they wouldn't bring him home for readoption, they were there to cancel I-600 application. Is it possible for him to be 'readopted' in Guatemala by another US family?