[DFSquare]

Since I don't know you all yet, and you certainly don't know me, please be gentle with me on this issue.

I've been reading on a few agency sites about all the things you can do to keep contact with the birthmother/family thru the years.

Now, I'm feeling really rather selfish. This is MY baby and I don't want to give her back. Ok, I know the bmom will not come get her after it's all final. But I don't want continued contact. I don't want to turn my house into a Guatemalan house. I have no intention of bringing Guatemalan culture into my daily living.

My husband's family is Scottish and so we do have a bit of clan items around and I try to give clan history to the boys as it comes up. I would do the same w/our little girl. She would always know God gave her to us in a special way and we would have some items for her, but she will be raised as an American with Scottish clan history tossed in.

Am I really a jerk and need to rethink adoption?

Ok, ready for your opinions.

Dawn

[pvanabel]

I think that with any culture and background you may already have as an existing family, Scottish, or whatever it may be that you bring into your home, I think it is only fair to bring in the culture of your new one as well. I think every child, whether biological, adopted domestical or internaionally, has the right to know his/her heritage. You don't have to turn your home into a Guatemalan home, but little bits of history and culture throughout her life would be so great for her. What if noone would have informed you or celebrated with you your heritage!!!!

[beachdreams]

I am trying to understand why you would want to adopt from Guatemala when you do not want to bring Guatemalan culture into your house? I am not trying to be rude by any stretch. I just am confused.

Your child will be Guatemalan and that can not nor should it be erased. I personally feel you would be doing your child a disservice by not wanting to embrace his/her culture. Being an american is only part of what your child will be. If this is a problem, maybe you should consider domestic adoption.

I am not sure you have to maintain a relationship with the birth mother. I have never met my daughter's birthmother nor will I probably. I would if I could but it is not an option. Sometimes that decision is not up to you as the birthmother will not meet you because a) she does not want to or b) the agency/attorney do not want you to.

[Amykk]

I think your reactions are pretty normal for initial reactions, if people are honest with themselves. But, you eventually will realize that you want to do what is best for your child even if you don't necessarily feel comfortable with it. You don't have to turn your house into a Guatemalan house, but you should be able to help your child understand and feel proud of where they came from. The degree of birthmother contact is up to you and your child's birthmother. My son's birthmother actually does not want contact with us, we wanted to be able to keep in touch and send pictures, but apparently she wants to move forward in her life without reminders. I really wish that she wanted contact because I think it would be better for my son. I think you will find that your initial reactions will evolve as you become more educated about the process.

[myworldisdmb]

I think everyone should bring their childrens culture into their home...but everyone does it in their own way. I think most people benefit greatly by knowing who they are, where they have come from, and details about their past (whatever those details may be)-is that a huge part of their daily life? No..but it is a part of them! Bringing culture into your life doesn't really mean you have to decorate your house with Guatemalan artifacts and learn spanish..I think just being aware of everyones culture and likes and differences everyone here in America share is great! I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting contact with the birth mother...although I've been told many people change their minds about this after their children are grown-high school age.

[Shoshana]

Yes, I think you need to rethink adoption. Read the posts from adoptees and birthmothers on other parts of this forum. Just because the child is "yours" does not mean that she doesn't have a part of herself that is separate from you. All children do, as a matter of fact. In this case, you are choosing to adopt both internationally/transculturally and transracially. In my opinion, you will do your child a disservice unless you embrace those differences and make them a part of your family. If she is a part of your family, then ALL aspects of her identity are as well.

You may choose not to meet the birthmother, or she may choose not to meet you. In the future, however, your child may choose to search for her. It would be much better for her if she could do so with your support and complete understanding.

[mattecook]

Dawn,

There are many people who on the topic of a relationship with the birthmother feel as you do. My father in law who has since passed was adopted along with his brother at an early age. My FIL's brother has always kept contact with his birthmother yet my FIL didn't want to have any contact. A Guatemalan adoption is for the most part a closed adoption. You get very limiting information in regards to the birthmother. Some attorneys and agencies encourage a meeting and long term contact but that is up to both parties. On that issue I think it is a personal decision. However, I also strongly believe that no matter our feelings our children at some point are going to be curious and even later in life might want to find their birth family. Again I believe this is the right of the child at an appropriate age to do so.

On the topic of bring Guatemalan culture into your home I feel that if you feel this strongly in regards to this subject than an international adoption might be somthing that you need to further research. Our children will remain dual citizens and I feel like their ties to Guatemala should not be cut off once they land on American soil. America is not their homeland Guatemala is. We do not have Guatemalan things ALL over the house but there are reminders and such throughout the house that we play with or look at.

I understand that you are asking a question and hoping for some feedback and I hope that everyone takes it as that and answers calmly. You mention your husbands culture of being Scottish and this is something I am sure he is proud of. I can't imagine how he would feel if you told him to get rid of all of his clan items and to not speak of Scottland again. I just urge you that if international adoption is right for you than you figure a way to embrace the culture of your child in whatever way you can.

Ami

[Anne1377]

Hi friends...

Well said Shoshana! I am only going to offer my opinion but perhaps you might want to consider a domestic adoption as opposed to an international one. Your daughter will be Guatemalan..she will have a birth family...she will have a birth country...she will have a birth culture. These things are important!!! Your daughter is entitled to know these things! I embrace my daughter's birth country, heritage and culture. I have nothing but love and respect for her birth family with whom we have ongoing contact. Now, I realize that many families do not want or may not be able to have this openess that we have but it is what both families wanted and we are committed keeping it this way! I do not feel that I have turned my house into a Guatemalan house...it is just a house filled with lots of love!!!

I am not condeming anyone because they may think differently than I do...after all what a boring world we would live in if we all thought the same or looked the same??? I just think that when one adopts internationally, certain things need to be taken into consideration!

Best of luck in your decisions!!!

Diane

[jnancynancy]

You are not awful, just honest.

That is what this forum is for. Now, you really can't just get your baby and run away from her culture. Does your agency do any orientations? That is a great way to start "trying" adoption on for size and see that it is really for you. It is a way to understand how adopting aspects of her culture can really benefit your family and your daughter. We got a lot of great ideas of how to do that from our SW and our orientation. Granted my husband and I have been enchanted by the culture of Central America for years....that is what brought us to our daughter.

Here is my take on things:

Biological Momma's
I feel like my daughter's Madre (biological Mom) and I are connected for ever. I want Sol to know that I have respect and huge feelings I can't even explain for her Madre and that any feelings she may have, good or bad, are ok with me. I also want her Madre to be able to "watch" her grow if she likes through annual updates I will send to our atty. If Sol could meet her some day I would be so proud of her and welcome the reunion. I would love it if I could some day let her Madre know how I feel...that I don't think less of her because she is poor, or had to make adoption plans for Sol. I will forever have her in my heart. In fact I am hoping to give her a necklace that I bought. Its pendant is a heart split in two...one for me and one for her.

Culture:
We are a mix here but do grasp to my husband's Croation roots and Sol will love those traditions. I feel like I want Sol to feel proud of her heritage. She is a Guatemalan Princess and that is both special and powerful. It doesn't mean that it overwhelms your life, but becomes a normal part of it. You may look back and see that you are pulled towards this culture as you fall in love with your daughter. Give yourself some time.

Grab some books and really search your soul. You aren't a bad person if this isn't for you, but it is best to decide now don't you think?

Some posts could get emotional her, don't take them too personal.

[DFSquare]

I am reading all your posts with much interest. I can see my initial reactions are rather ridgid and many of your points are helping to clear my thoughts.

Please continue to post your thoughts and do not feel as if I'm wanting to erase her birthright or heritage. I'm just looking for a more clear picture of what is expected, I guess.

For reference, I was adopted, but domestically. In the end, the reunion was horrific. So maybe that's part of my colored view of birth family contact. I'll have to explore that area a bit more, I guess.

Keep your thoughts coming. I'm really interested in growing in this area.

Dawn

[Slatond10]

Not that I am a big proponent of the book but it did open my eyes some ... You may want to review it.

[becky]

Don't feel like a jerk. You are entitled to your feelings and you may find that they change and evolve as you learn more about international adoption.

I would strongly suggest you read the book that we are reading as part of our 'on-line' book club:
"Beyond Good Intentions" by Cheri Register

It has a lot of information about how your child is going to feel about being adopted and it may help you understand a lot of things that you should consider before pursuing international adoption.

Good Luck!

[buckeye1]

I can only answer from our experience. We decided to adopt from Guatemala in part because we had an appreciation for Latino cultures, having studied the Spanish language in school. We attended adoption classes and very much understood and embraced the idea of bringing that culture into our home and celebrating it. Our trips to Guatemala only served to increase our love of the country, people and culture. Yes, we do still celebrate my husband's and my families' European cultures... but we are now a Guatemalan family as well. We want our children to grow up feeling proud that they were born in Guatemala... and we think it's also vitally important that they know their parents love and feel a deep connection to their birth country as well.

Dawn, I wish you the best as you continue to explore international adoption.

[mattecook]

Dawn,
I can very much see how your unfortuante experience in meeting your birth mom can make it hard for you to imagine doing so with your child. But I would also like to encourage you that there are many good things to be had from knowing a little about your childs birthmom even if you do not have ongoing contact with her. An international adoption is an amazing and complicated thing all at the same time. Finding what country you feel drawn to, falling in love with the people of that country, embracing the different way they live and learning to appreciate it as much as you do your own is all part of the journey. Guatemala is a beautiful place and somehow draws you in. I didn't know how I would feel about Guatemala before I went to bring home Emma but now I honestly can't wait to go back. I can't wait to take Emma back and show her her birthcountry. Keep researching and asking for feedback. Maybe an international adoption isn't right for your family but maybe a domestic adoption is or vice versa. I hope that you have many questions to come.

Ami

[pmgor]

A very interesting issue you have brought up. It's obviously all your choice what you would do in regards to the child's country and the birthparents, etc.

I don't think there is any way that you can make it work if you don't feel confortable remembering her culture. Not all children want to search for their birthmother, but what if your child wants to? How would you feel? Would you reject your child? Honest questions, I'm not judging. Many children in their teenager years will lash out at their adoptive parents for all things including their adoption, if you choose to not honor her birthcountry, and not talk about her birthparents, you might find yourself with a very angry child.

While some families will receive children that resemble them most don't. What will happen when people ask you or her, "where is she from" and you say the US and they'll tell you "no, where is she REALLY from?" They will ask you... it has happened to many of us.

I would suggest that before you embarc in an adoption from any other country that you speak to a counselor, social worker, and discuss why this is so important to you.

Choosing to ignore her roots can cause some really difficult identity issues. Not only that but you would deny her part of her life. My son was in an orphange and I have no control of what happened there and what he lived with, he was born to a beautiful guatemalan woman who made a very difficult and courageous choice. That is part of his life, denying that would be a lie.

I write this with the utmost respect and wish you the best in your search for a child.