[*marcy*]

My heart has led me to begin the process to adopt internationally, particularly Guatemala. While my husband (thankfully) is fine with adopting internationally, his first question when I brought it up was "why not adopt here"? My own reasons were that I didn't want to wait years to adopt an infant, I didn't want to have to worry about the birthmother coming back to take the baby, and most of all, I don't feel like my baby has to look like me to be "my baby".

Inevitably, when we bring this up to family members, I just have a feeling the conversation will go in that direction. I'd just like to have an idea of what others say when they ask you why you didn't just "adopt a white baby here".

Thanks for your input!

Marcy & Neal

7/05 Researching agencies

[jnancynancy]

You know no one has ever asked me that. I've had people ask what lead me to Guatemala, but never ask why we didn't adopt domestically.

I suppose if they did ask me that question I would answer like this, "We are adopting from Guatemala because in my heart I know my daughter is Guatemalan and will be waiting for me there."

Good luck. Remember your reasons for adoption are your own and you don't really "owe" anyone any type of explanation.

Nancy

[Kymom2b]

Marcy,

My Dh and I have struggled with the same issue. I think that there are pros/cons with both international and domestic adoption. Personally, I was leaning International (Guatemala or Colombia) and my Dh really wanted to try domestic. It is very important to him to parent a child from birth and he is willing to take on a little bit more risk to do so. So, we are giving domestic a try-and don't doubt that I am SCARED TO DEATH.

We are not concerned at all about adopting a "white" child, in fact we have requested a bi-racial or hispanic child. We are a CC couple and picture a blended family as ideal for us. Yes, we have been told that is not normal, but who cares? You have to do what is RIGHT for your family at this time. People are generally more supportive when they understand how truly important adopting is to you. I wish you the best!!!

Elizabeth

[coachmom]

We looked into domestic but were told by agencies that we were too old.(I am 44,dh is 45). We could have done an independent adoption through an attorney but we would have to sell ourselves to find a ** that was willing to give a baby to a couple who was older and had 5 bio kids already. Plus the fact that there are so many loopholes in our govt that the child could be taken away from us by **, her parents, paternal father, and his parents, that we didn't want to take the emotional risk. WE really felt led by the Lord to look in another country. Not to mention the fact that we really wanted an infant or under 1 year. Doretta

[lmvsmom]

Marcy,

We are adopting internationally because of the same reasons you stated above. Also, in KY the birthmother has 6 mos to change her mind about the adoption. That would be so devastating to us if it ever happened.

[brink]

About 15 years ago we started our first adoption process. My husband wanted to only adopt internationally, feeling there was more need...that so many woudl choose to adopt a US infant, and fewer would choose intertnational. I'm not sure if that is actually true now, but I could see his reasoning. I was very willing to adopt a child from Guatemala thru the orphanage our agency works with. But I also wanted to leave room for God to work how He would choose for our family. He agreed, because he also wanted God's best for our family. About 14 months later, we (and our three bio daughters) met our newborn baby girl thru domestic adoption. We had faith in our agency to do things right and counsel birthmothers w/ their best interests in mind. The issue of whether our daughter's birthmother would ever change her mind or try to interfere was never a concern, for our faith in our agency and the laws of our state concerning relinquishing a child and giving up parental rights. The horror stories you read about or see on news shows I am convinced happen only because agencies or lawyers are in a hurry to place a child or cut corners or don't see the warning signs of a birthmother not being stable enough or confident in her decision. But that's just my opinion on why things would go awry.

The next adoption, we both felt we were too old to parent a newborn and went only with the Guatemalan program, asking for a child up to age four. We have since brought home three children from the same private orphanage in Guat City. The boys came home in 1998 and 2000, both at age four. Our daughter came home this Feb at the age of ten. This time around, we wanted to adopt an older child. (We didn't consider our boys "older", since we knew there were much older kids at the home than they were.)

My advice is to ask God to lead. He knows His plans for you and any children He may have plans to bring to you. Also, that you both are headed in the same direction, or one of you is willing to let the other go with their feelings at the time you make those decisions. We just felt great about allowing God to choose for us. We're so thankful we did, so he could bring our daughter to us thru domestic adoption.

[WVUMom418]

I get the question all the time, especially from co-workers. Not the "white" part but the "why not adopt from here?". My response is because we live in MD, which has the strictest adoption laws in the country and we could have our baby home with us for 3 months and the birthmother could change her mind. How devastating would that be.

That being said, after 3 months with our first referral we lost her (paternal grandfather decided to raise her). We were totally devastated but I can't imagine how that would have felt if she had lived in our home for those 3 months.

I think the biggest thing is that people ask usually not be to rude but out of curiousity. Be honest and take the opportunity to educate them. I don't know about where you live but there are a lot of advertisements on TV these days about how many kids there are waiting to be adopted, but they never say they are all over a certain age or have been raised in obusive homes.

Good luck with your decision and I hope it works out for you either way.

[coachmom]

you are right, brink. I didn't mean to sound judgemental against domestic.There are many domestic adoptions that go well and the media only portrays the ones that don't. You just have to wait on the Lord for His direction in your life amd He will provide what ever child He has for you, whether here in the US or in another country.Sorry, didn't mean to downplay domestic...
Doretta

[yaddakal]

For us, we looked into both very seriously. Bottom line, domestic is not for us. If we had a 5 month pregnant mom pick our portfolio and we watch her until the baby is born, then she changes her mind, I would lose it. We have one biological son and I cannot imagine staying strong for him too if that mom changed her mind. Also, adoption in the US has become very opened and I do not want that at all. It is a very individual decision, I am just not up for the risk. Good luck in whatever you choose!

[Devora]

Deciding on domestic vs. international and in international adoption deciding what country you work with are difficult decisions. While some options may clearly not be the best one for your family, other options are less clear. And sometimes it's like comparing apples to oranges. Whatever you do, you need to make the best choice for your family. I think that part of making that choice requires being clear about what the facts are about each option.

The idea that it takes years to adopt domestically is, in most cases, no longer the case. For example, through our homestudy agency the typical domestic adoption takes about 18 months from the time the homestudy starts. Of course, this is going to vary from one agency to another and will also vary if you are doing a completely independent adoption. My impression is that it may be a shorter time if you work with an agency.

As for fear about the birthmother changing her adoption plan, it is extremely important that you know what the law is in your state. While there have been some very sensationalized cases in the media (and definitely heartbreaking for all of the family involved), those cases almost always involve some aspect of the law not having been followed, thereby rendering the adoption invalid. If the law is followed a birth parent can't change their mind years later and come back for the child.

That said, each state is different in how long of a time there is until the adoption is final. For instance, I live in a state where the birthmother must wait for 72 hours after the birth to sign the final papers -- but as soon as they are signed, her relinquishment of the child is irrevocable. There is a 6-month wait period until the adoption is final but that wait period is NOT for the birthparent -- it's for the state. They want to check and make sure that the child is being well cared for. If there is any abuse in that 6 months then the state can remove the child more easily than they can when the adoption is finalized. But the birthparent cannot changer her/his mind in that 6 months. In my state most of the cases that hit the media (including one in the past year that was on national news) were due to the fact that the laws regarding notifying the birth father were not followed. But if the law had been followed, the interruption of the adoption never could have happend. Every state's laws are different. I really encourage you to talk with an adoption agency if you haven't done so already and find out what the laws are where you live.

Also, remember that in Guatemala the birthparent can change their plan up until the final adoption decree is signed which is one of the last steps in the process. So if you are not able to take the risk of a birthparent changing their plan it would probably be better to look at a country where parental rights are completely terminated prior to the referral being made (Korea and China are two of the most popular).

In the end, though, you need to do whatever is best for your family. People will ask questions. But if you are certain about what you are doing and why and if you are very clear on what the facts are so that you can dispel the myths other people believe, then you will be fine.

Best wishes,
Devora

[Waiting4Bryan]

Hi,

I was pursuing domestic adoption for over 2 years. I had four failed matches (birth mothers chaning their mind before giving birth). I finally couldn't take it anymore and switched gears to Guatamala. I do think my case was unique, though there is a gamble with domestic adoption. It was just too unbearable to go through that again and int'l adoption seemed like more of sure thing.

Diane

[wvamom]

We went with international adoption because I believed that's where God was leading us. Whereas there is at least some infrastructure (whether government or charitable) for needy children in the US, there is no "safety net" in Guatemala. I wanted to go where I believed the greatest need was.

That being said, however, I support adoption totally--international, domestic, intrafamily, open, closed--however parents feel led to do it. And I think other parents could choose a different type of adoption than we did, and make just as big of a difference in the adopted child's life.

I don't think you should have to explain why international adoption was right for you, but if you feel you need to, you have certainly been given a bunch of very valid reasons by the adoptive parents above.

Carolyn

[*marcy*]

Thanks to everyone for their wonderful and insightful responses.

My husband is 100% behind me in wanting to adopt internationally. I just really didn't know what to tell him when he said "why not here" other than that's not where my heart is telling me to go. He is the kind of person that needs something a little more concrete than that. Not that he is drawn either way, but just wants more facts on both.

[Maggie Beth]

A woman that I used to work with decided last year that she wanted to adopt. Right in front of me and another woman who adopted internationally, she said, "I will only adopt domestically because I believe you can ONLY bond with a newborn. Kids adopted at an older age will ALWAYS have bonding issues." BTW, this woman is an MSW -- real sensitive, huh?

Well -- she had a two-week old little girl placed with her a few weeks ago. The child was exposed to crystal meth in the womb. Also, the birthfather has yet to consent to the placement.

For me, I would have a hard time with the drug abuse and with the fear that the birthfather will not consent.

For the record, both my kids have bonded extremely well... especially with each other!

Marcy -- good luck!!!

[beachdreams]

I have two answers I always give. One is that one child needing a home is one child too many no matter where that child may be because they are all our children. The second thing I say is that adoption is like your favorite pair of jeans. What may be very comfortable for me, may not be comfortable for you (this is usually said to someone who chose a different adoption route).

I have had two sets of friends adopt domestically. One used a well known adoption agency and it literally took ehr over 3 years to adopt a caucasian infant. During that process, she had two birthmothers change their minds so it does happen.

The other friend adopted a biracial infant through the county and it took her about two years to adopt this child. She has not had her court date as of yet. It went fairly smoothly for her and the birthmother has not changed her mind.

For us, we just knew that we wanted to adopt from either Guatemala or China. For now, Guatemala is pulling at our hearts and that is what is right.