[heikkila]

Well, we did one of each.

Our first was a domestic, open adoption. It was difficult; there were some complicated legal issues, we constantly had to worry about the birthparents changing their mind, and honestly, maintaining openness continues to be stressful for me even 4 years later. We chose this because I really wanted that newborn experience. It was important to me at the time.

Two years later, we had a failed attempt to adopt (domestic, open, again) that left us emotionally and financially devastated.

After that, we looked at our options and decided that we could not risk adopting domestically again, so we completed an international adoption for our second child. It was stressful in its own way, but nothing compared the stress we experienced in our domestic adoptions.

If I am privileged enough to adopt again, it will DEFINATELY be an international adoption.

Rebecca

[tobeafamily]

All adoption (in fact all parenting) is about risks vs. benefits. There is no risk-free way to become a parent.

Choosing your path is about balancing those risks and benefits.

In International adoption, common risks include:

Risks associated with finances/costs/fees
Risks associated with bureaucracy - two countries, multiple languages
Risks associated with travel - international
Risks associated with unknown genetic/ethnic/family medical history
Risks associated with unknown, poor, or nonexistent prenatal medical care and/or nutrition
Risks asssociated with known or unknown substance exposure (alcohol, narcotics) in utero
Risks associated with unknown or poor infant/child medical care and/or nutrition
Risks associated with possible exposure to abuse and/or neglect, known or unknown at time of placement

In domestic parental placement, common risks include:

Risks associated with finances/fees/oosts
Risks associated with biological parents' decision to parent vs. place
Risks associated with poor or nonexistent prenatal medical care and/or nutrition
Risks asssociated with known or unknown substance exposure (alcohol, narcotics) in utero
Risks associated with possible travel - domestic

In Domestic waiting child/foster care common risks include:

Risks associated with bureaucracy
Risks associated with unknown, poor, or nonexistent prenatal medical care and/or nutrition
Risks asssociated with known or unknown substance exposure (alcohol, narcotics) in utero
Risks associated with unknown or poor infant/child medical care and/or nutrition
Risks associated with possible exposure to abuse and/or neglect, known or unknown at time of placement

As with any risk scenario, we can take steps to mitigate or transfer a risk or we can decide that the risk probability and/or impact is tolerable.

Some ask me, as a parent in domestic parental placement, how I handled the possiblity that my son's biological parents would 'change their minds'. It WAS nerve-wracking and terrifying. For us, though, the desire to parent from infancy, and the desire for our child to have first-person access to all his 'pieces' of himself outweighed the risk. Honestly, for me, being in a foreign country for possibly weeks with an infant or toddler terrified me just as much if not more.

For others, it's a risk that cannot be outweighed by that benefit. Domestic parental placement would not be a good choice for someone who feels that way.

This is why there is also no one 'best way' or 'right way' to adopt, there is only a best and right way for you. I find that when you are at peace with the reasons you chose your path, then people's inquiries tend to be less bothersome and more easily resolved.

Hope this helps, JMHO

Regina

[WaitingforJacob]

We have adopted both ways.

Domestically we waited about 3 years. We networked privately. We had one bad experience where a young girl told us she was pregnant with twins in FL. (We're in the NE). As it turns out, she was telling a similar story to at least 8 other couples...and she wasn't really pregnant.

We did finally adopt a newborn (I was in the delivery room when she was born) and the whole experience was fantastic!! Our state has a 45 day period for the birthmom to change her mind which was no problem. But the birthfather wouldn't sign the papers...we had to wait to finalize for 2 years because of him. He never attempted contact, and due to the laws he still had rights until a judge took his rights away. But take my word for it, this person shouldn't have had a right to begin with...he's been found guilty of a few horrific crimes.

Anyway, after all that we opted to look at older child adoption for the 2nd time around. After a lot of research, we found that we were drawn to Guatemala. We found that this avenue was the best for us. I won't state our reasons for deciding against older child adoption in the US on this thread because it's another whole ball of wax! Just suffice to say that Guatemala really did feel right and was the best choice for us this time around.

The best advice I would have is go with your heart, it will tell you what is best for you.

Kathy

[spaypets]

Regina always says that so well. We decided to adopt internationally because our priorities were met better by that particular means of adoption.

We wanted a defined timeline -- domestic adoption relies on expectant mothers choosing you. That can take a month or a year.

We were uncomfortable with committing an ongoing personal relationship with another adult, which we had to do if we chose to do a fully open adoption. I continue to believe while open adoption is a wonderful thing when it works right, we are not the sort of people for whom it would work well. That's a flaw in me, not the system.

We liked the idea of providing a home to a child who didn't have one. We liked the idea of bringing another culture into our family. We weren't insistent on a newborn. All of these factored into our decision.

[*marcy*]

spaypets - everything that you said here is EXACTLY how I feel about it. I could have written your reply myself as well. I am very uncomfortable with the thought of an open adoption, and the whole waiting for someone to choose us. I just don't think I have it in me to deal with those aspects. It's nice to know that other people feel the same way.

[brink]

Back to post on this one to say I also support any type of adoption. I have a friend involved in helping place teenagers...tho we are not yet nor may never be to that point, my heart goes out to the kids I've seen on our state's waiting children listings! Wish we could do that, too!

I didn't take offense from any comments about domestic adoptions.

If anyone is interested in one family's experience, read on. Ours may be different from other domestic adoptions, according to how our agency works, and the fact that it took place 14 yrs ago. I believe they still use this procedure, however.

Birthmoms choose family from files w/ nonidentifying info, but the family isn't notified they've been chosen until the child is born and ready to be placed. Usually they wait the 72 hrs as required in our state also, for both birth parents (if father also possible) to sign relinquishment. Infants are placed with a foster family for that time period, unless still under hospital care. Some might worry that's too much shuffling around for the infant, but having an adoptive mom "on edge" until the papers are signed isn't the best situation, either. Though this way of doing things might be too much of a surprise for some to take...suddenly getting the call... our agency does it this way to be certain they aren't putting anyone at risk. Working privately through a lawyer, I believe does add to the chances of being disappointed, since the family is chosen early on in the pregnancy and birthmothers may change their minds. Because we knew our daughter's birth parent's rights had been terminated, we had no fears concerning losing our child. If we were to do another domestic adoption (if we were 20 yrs younger), that's the only way I would feel comfortable doing it, myself, since it provided so much security. But as stated, each needs to do what they know is best for their family. We asked for a child up to age two domestically and we were also in the Guatemalan program...or so we thought. Our agency only put us in their US newborn program, choosing that for us, tho we believe led by God, as evidenced by our wonderful 14yr old daughter.

Our agency gives choice as to type of relationship families want with birthmoms. We agreed to meet a birthmom, if that's the only way she could be comfortable placing her child with us, though we would prefer not to. The birthmom asked to meet us when our daughter was about 5months old. As it turned out, she changed her mind. We felt better it worked out this way. She's kept her word not to interfere and doesn't yet ask for updates or photos we provide thru our agency. We respect her for giving us the freedom and peace of mind to raise our daughter ourselves. We'll be supportive one day, if our daughter chooses to pursue finding her birthmom. She's 14 now, so none of us are ready for that.

Our next three adoptions were from beautiful Guatemala. We are equally as blessed by all three of these amazing children! We would always highly recommend Guatemala, too!

[marie2005]

Well, despite my various thoughts, I can't imagine finding anyone else to be our daughter, so we did the right thing. We wanted a 2-4 year old girl, so we did first look into adopting through the foster care system, we hit some roadbumps there and couldn't pursue it. However, a part of me did want first to provide a home to a child in the local foster care system. Other than our issues, we were told it would be darn difficult to locate a young girl without special needs. So, our next choice was India because my husband is from there, and we felt we wanted to give a home to an orphan there. Probably could've accomplished it and looked for a match for a while, but expected a very long wait. Decided to look at other countries, and then saw our daughter, and that was it. If we were younger, starting out, I might be inclined to try to adopt and raise a baby from birth in the U.S. For me, it would provide 2 things that appeal to me, raising the child from birth and the chance for an open adoption. I would like to have some contact with the birth parents and family.