[WVUMom418]

I'm still a ways off from bring our little one home but I've been curious about something. I have felt like maybe we are lucky that Darlin is in a hogar instead of a foster home because she is not getting attached to one person. (BTW - I've visited the hogar and was really impressed with the love and attention these children get). My little girl was with her birthmom for the first 7 months then turned over to a hogar.

I noticed when we went to visit that she had no problem being handed over to us (no tears). She seemed a little withdrawn but after the first day she became very bubbly and vocal. I'm hoping she will adjust to us better becuase she hasn't been attached to one single person but then I also worry will there be bonding issue. So I thought I'd come to the pros, if your child was in a hogar and around a year old when you brought them home, how did the bonding go? Were ther any issues you felt were related to being in a hogar?

I appreciate the feedback.

[pmgor]

Miguel definitely showed no separation issues from the hogar caregiver and it took him 2 months to really identify me as his *person* Now that could also be attributed to age since he was 4.5 months at pick up.

It did make it "easier" for us on the pickup trip because he didn't mourn but it was harder to make other family members understand why we were not handing him out to everyone. We wanted to start on bonding and attachment very quickly.

Good luck to you!

[thesojourners]

From my extensive reading on these subjects, if your daughter does NOT bond/attach with caregiver(s) as an infant, she is at very high risk for anxiety, insecurity, and attachment disorders . . . meaning that she doesn't know how to attach to ANYONE, including you. That behavior is learned as a dependent infant. If she is securely attached to a caregiver, she will grieve . . . but she will also have the ability to attach to her new mom. She will have confidence that others can meet her needs, and she will reach out to have those needs met . . . starting a cycle that produces attachment and bonding. For her own mental health, and for hers/your long-term happiness, she desperately needs to attach at this age, preferably to one, consistent person. Hopefully that will be done at the Hogar. Foster care is much more preferable, but not always possible, I know.

I highly recommend reading TODDLER ADOPTION: THE WEAVER'S CRAFT. It has excellent advice for helping your toddler make this transition and for helping adoptive parents promote bonding and attachment.

Toddlers are at a tough age --- old enough to realize that changes are happening, too young to understand why or what is going to happen --- so you are SO wise to be thinking ahead about these things.

Best of luck with your process!

[Lorraine123]

The above post is accurate. If a child bonds to a caregiver, they can transfer that bond to another person. If they never bond, then they never learned how and therefore can't bond to their adoptive parents. Since you said the child shed no tears when handed over to you, I would worry about attachment issues. That is one sign. As hard as it is on you, you want your child to cry over leaving their current caregiver. You want them to grieve. If the child has learned how to do that, then they can do it with you. If they never learn it as an infant, their brain isn't wired to attach.

[tookie12]

If the child is older and has not bonded you will have to teach them to. Emma will be 16-17 months when we get her. We will hold her as much as possible, give her a bottle while holding her even if she has been off of one, feed her even tho at this age many children begin feeding themselves.....basically treat her as one would an infant. Make her NEED you. There are many books advocating this method for children that may have bonding issues

[MicheleB]

My sons came from a hogar and I believe they bonded perfectly with me when they came home. The transition was wonderful. My oldest just turned 3 and my youngest is 8 months old. I do believe they both had a special bond with each of their three nannies that took turns during each 24 hour period. When we visited and picked up our children, we had no problems bonding. It is as if they have always been with us.

So, I believe that there is bonding that goes on at a hogar, I just think that since there are several caregivers, it makes it easier to transfer that bond to another - ie: new mommy and daddy.

Just my experience, my opinion and 2 cents worth.

[guatmom4113]

Our son was 19 mos. old when we brought him home. The foster family brought him to us and that was it. He had been with the family since he was 9 mos. old. He never, ever cried one tear. I believe this was in part to the preparation he had been given, but still remarkable. I know that he did grieve, however. He was often quiet. He sometimes had a sad expression, especially in pictures. We stayed in GC for seven days. By day three he was calling me "mama" and pointing to me from across the street my husband would tell me. It took a little longer to call me that directly, but not much. I think he wanted to be sure before he made the attachment. We are all exremely close now. I am not sure what age babies are before they recognize one person. My sister has had four children and at a certain age (if my memory serves my correctly--around 9 mos.) they start having separation anxiety. I remember I would not offer to babysit until they learned that mama would return and was comfortable with that idea.

[thesojourners]

comment that your baby will definitely be affected by the seven months that she spent with her birthmom, too! Hopefully, her mom was attentive and loving . . . those two factors make all the difference. :-)

I wouldn't stress too much, though. Kids are so resilient, and many of them transition so well, as the two posts above illustrate beautifully.

[brink]

I think each of us tends to sometimes think the way things went for us might be the best for everyone. But I would venture to say it's not where or how long your child was where or with whom, but how much love they were receiving during those times.

Our three children from Guatemala all came from the same small, private orphanage in Guat. In fact, it was the first private orphanage in Guat. City. The founders started it (and are still there) because they felt they could do more for the children than was being done at the time. This tells you what kind of loving women they are.

Our boys both came at the age of 4ys...two yrs apart . They are 11 and 9 now. They both bonded quickly and easily. They are close to us and their five sisters. Our first son cried as he left the orphanage, had to be "torn" away from the director. Our second son walked out and had to be patted on the head by the director in order to get his attention for a hug! He did mourn at the hotel one afternoon, but for Papa, who was doing repairs at the orphanage. Their personalities differ very much. Second son was probably just excited about the new adventure and ready to try new things! Still is.

Our daughter left the orphanage at the age of ten. We brought her home this past Feb. She was also close to the caregivers, as evidenced by the workers who cried as she left...and her tears and grieving off and on at the hotel and for 1/2 hr in the car to our home from airport. At home, she walked right in and started showing her siblings her albums, starting the bonding process immediately.

My husband and I made deliberate choices to spend time alone w/ our daughter, apart from time w/ the four siblings still at home. We knew that being happy was not the same as being bonded. It has paid off. Living in a family is different than living with 22 other children and caregivers. There are things she is learning about being part of a family...things she doesn't always take to right away, but in the end will be important for her to know and experience.

I know your child isn't at either of these stages. But I wanted to encourage you that just because she didn't cry, does not necessarily mean she hasn't bonded to caregivers there. Our children had numerous caregivers, tho most had been there over our childrens' lifetimes, plus the two directors, offering conisistency for them. Children have different personalities and react to change and stress and others in various ways.

I agree however, that bonding is something to be sure you "work" on. Our agency has us sign an agreement that the only ones to hold and care for our child (younger children and infants) the first few wks is to be parents, then siblings, to ensure bonding. After that, others are more free to hold and care for the child.

Sorry so long, as my posts often are and I wonder if anyone reads them...but I would hate to have you spend time worrying over what's in her past rather than just making plans for what to do to ensure the bonding process, once she is home.

[WVUMom418]

Thanks for all your responses. I have no concerns about the love that my daughter is getting at the hogar or the love she received from her birthmother (from what I've been told by the hogar director this was a very difficult decision for the birthmom and she would like to meet us to ease her mind about the adoption).

And Brink, I did read you post and I had heard before about the "being the only ones to hold her for the first few weeks". I guess we will have to play it by ear and since each child is so different take it one day at a time.

[Pamsko]

Not from a hogar, but for our toddler (home at 17 months and now almost 2), we were family #4.

He was obviously loved the foster family we met in G.C. on our visit and pickup trip. He seemed happy and bonded (especially to one of the teenage girls) while we were there. I now wish we'd had more time to observe him interact with them more naturally than at the hotel, etc.

We read all the books...I'm glad we did. The first 2 months were he@@! Alex had (and still does to some extent) a clingy "push me/pull you" attachment to my husband. They call it insecure attachment...he loves him dearly, had incredible loss anxiety even if Ed just wasn't looking at him or was holding him and talking to someone else. But, if Ed got too close, wanted to cuddle or show affection, Alex smacked him in the face, pushed away, and screamed. It's gotten "better", I'd say that most of the behaviors we see are simply "toddler-like" and not adoption related. But it's taken a LOT of work.

As for me...he treats me as if I am simply a caretaker -- I'm good enough unless his daddy is anywhere around. If he is, I used to get no acknowledgement whatsoever...our family wanted to just say he was "daddy's boy"...but it was to a far greater extent than that...I ceased to exist...he wouldn't take food from me, wouldn't look at me, nothing. It hurt worse than I was prepared to hurt. With a lot of work from the rest of my family, especially my dh, we refused to let him cut me out. And it's now gotten to where he will play with me while my dh is there and show affection, etc. I'm still not "mama"...he only says "ball", but can sign many words...so, I know he "knows" mama...but it's never said or signed. And yep...it still hurts. I'm not sure who his "mama" is, but I'm hoping that with lots of love and patience I can finally take that spot in his heart.


I had read somewhere that with toddlers, don't assume they are "bonded" to the family UNTIL they are at least 18 months AND have been with the family 18 months. I would say that depends on the personality of the child.

Anyway....do lots of research...even the foster care system in Guatemala isn't perfect. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best...

Good luck!

[WVUMom418]

Pam,

Thanks for sharing your story, I can't imagine after going through the adoption process how it must feel to be treated that way. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I only hope with time things will change for you.

During our visit our little one didn't seem to prefer one of us over the other, she seemed content with both of us. I pray that after losing our first referral and the stress of the adoption process that we don't run into a major problem like that because it would be heart wrenching.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Joan