[JoTed]

My husband and I just returned from a wonderful visit trip with our son this past weekend. Upon returning, we have had several people ask us if we decided to "keep" him after our trip???!!!?? My husband and I are quite confused and taken back by this comment as we have always told people he is our son since we accepted the referral. We know our actions and statements could not have left any doubt in anyones mind that he is a part of our family. Has anyone else had comments like this or get the feeling that your relatives don't feel that your child is a "permanant" addition to the family during the time after you accepted the referral and before you brought him or her home? Thanks for your comments.

[Mom4Nicholas]

Sorry, as many interesting comments that have come my way, that as not been one of them. Sorry that happened. Educate the ignorant is the only advice that I can give you.

[tookie12]

Some people just really dont have a clue.

You can always simply reply with a smile..."this wasn't a test drive"

[foxl]

GREAT comeback, Tookie.

This is a new one on me. But then, we could not afford to visit.

I would suggest as an alternative, if you have the time and patience, explaining the bonding and attachment process in excruciating detail, ever the devoted parents, how wonderful and important it is, how ABSOLUTELY wonderful your new baby is, until their eyes glaze over and their faces crack ... it is educational to those who do NOT know but are interested, and certainly drives home your point, and scares off any further stupid questions!

[Mommy2bagain]

That question just blows my mind. I can't believe people would even ask such a question. I know we are just in the process and don't have our baby home yet either, but I can't believe some of the comments people make.

That would be like after you give birth, the Dr. would ask, o.k. now that you have seen the baby do you want to keep her/him or should I jam it back in there????????????????? Sorry, but I got a little testy with that comment.

Lori

[ISAIAH'SMOMMY]

I don't know if this is the case but they may be confused about adoption in general and think all of them are the same.

I know that with the Russian program the 1st visit trip is to meet your child and to decide if you are going to go through with the adoption or not.

If that is not the case they obviously need to be educated on what it means to except a referral.

Anne

[sharon2322]

Believe it or not, I had a friend ask if we would "get to keep" our son AFTER he came home. Some people really are clueless! I try not to take offense and just use it as an opportunity to educate obviously ignorant people about the miracle of adoption!

[jnancynancy]

Maybe I'm just feeling generous today, but when people say things like this I really believe they don't mean anything by these comments. Adoption is a whole world unto itself that no one really understands until they jump into it. We have to educate them. I think a great response is, "He has always been my son, I just finally got to meet him"

Don't let this bug you too much....revel in the memories of your visit and dream about the homecoming.
Nancy

[smmars]

I agree with Nancy. Most people have no idea how the process goes. I always give them the benefit of the doubt.

That said, just remember that, although in our hearts they are "ours" from referral onward, truly they aren't ours until the last birth mother signature after you exit PGN.

All of our friends and family knew of the delicate nature of the Guatemalan process and knew that it wasn't DONE until we were home with Matthew once and for all. Maybe your friends and family are just waiting for that final step to be completed???

[GabrielsDad]

I like this one. I used a vary close variant on my nice but clueless boss.

Originally Posted by tookie12

Some people just really dont have a clue.

You can always simply reply with a smile..."this wasn't a test drive"

All you can do is educate. If they don't accept the education you must let them know in some way they are clueless and then walk away.

[marie2005]

Well, I normally don't defent the ignorant :-) But some countries adoption program require a visit to get a referral, so I think maybe people are thinking it's like that. Maybe they didn't realize it was a definite referral before you visit?? I just got back too and noone has asked me that. I can't imagine anything that would have changed my mind by visiting unless the situation was grossly misrepresented to me or something.

[me-jane]

I also agree with Nancy...people are really just not aware of many things about international adoption...and sometimes they really will amaze you with the comments they come up with. Just yesterday upon meeting my daughter for the first time and learning that she is adopted from India, someone asked if she spoke English! ( This is not the first time someone has asked that). I really don't think they are being intentionally obtuse...they just are truly clueless. Educate them and walk away laughing inside!

[rdority]

Hi JoTed,

I second that emotion . . . some people are just clueless to the whole process . . . therefore you just can't take these comments personally.

I had a chance to meet your adorable son and believe me, if the people who made this type of comment had spent even a few minutes with him, they would NEVER EVER had asked such a question. You, your husband and son were such a picture of contentment.

[Kesti]

I unfortunately know of one case whereas the adoptive parents visited the baby and then so to say gave her back for another referral.

I also met a woman on the way back from our visit trip at the airport in Guatemala and she said if the baby gets too old, as she signed up for an infant, she will demand another baby! I told her that I was so offended by her comment and told her that she is not adopting an age but a child and I told her that I hope she would reconsider and I turned my back on her. She make me want to throw up!

So yes, I have heard stuff like this.

One other comment. Someone asked me the other day "Who is her real mother?" and I said "I AM!". End of conversation.

[tookie12]

[quote=Kesti]I unfortunately know of one case whereas the adoptive parents visited the baby and then so to say gave her back for another referral.

I also met a woman on the way back from our visit trip at the airport in Guatemala and she said if the baby gets too old, as she signed up for an infant, she will demand another baby! I told her that I was so offended by her comment and told her that she is not adopting an age but a child and I told her that I hope she would reconsider and I turned my back on her. She make me want to throw up!

So yes, I have heard stuff like this.[/QUOTE]

Grrrrr...you see there are people within our own community that dont seem to have a clue as well. During my wait at the GC Airport in April I overheard a newly adopting father reply when asked if he had anything to declare ie: purchases made. He said in a loud voice...."we paid a big price for her" and gestured to his daughter. I wanted to puke!