[CordeliaS]

Hello all! I guess I should just get into my problem... ever since I was in my early teens I've had my heart set on adoption... I'm not really sure why... I guess I wanted to give a child a loving home. However, my husband doesn't want to adopt a child because he's afraid we'll have bonding issues, that maybe the child will not accept us as his or her parents, or that other people will not accept us as a family. I personally don't really care what other people think about our family, and I'm sure we will bond just fine. I know even parents with biological children might have difficulty bonding at first, but it's eventually overcome. Now I don't want to adopt a child unless my husband is comfortable with it, but I need to know if there has been issues between people and kids who they adopted (internationally). Also, my husband said that if he were to adopt, he'd want to keep it a secret. I'm against that because I wouldn't want the child to feel betrayed if he/she ever found out. So if the child looks biologically like ours... how likely is it that they'd find out they're adopted? I know this is long... and it's mostly a long ramble... but I'm confused and I feel my dream of adopting a child is slipping through my fingers. Any help/adivce would be greatly appreciated.

[Amykk]

Most children adopted from Guatemala have been able to bond to a fostermother or other caregiver and so then can bond again to the parents. In some other countries I think there might be more problems with bonding issues - I think there is a separate section on the forum for attachment issues - you might want to check that out. As far as keeping the adoption a secret I think that's impossible and definitely not advised. Most domestic adoptions are open and most kids who are adopted internationally are going to figure out that they're adopted. It is best to be truthful from the start. There is also a section of this forum for adoptees that I think is helpful for potential adoptive parents to read and look at from your potential child's perspective. There are also many many good books about raising adoptive children that might be helpful for you and your husband to understand some of the issues including bonding and how to talk to your children about adoption.

[Chop]

First about the bonding issue. My dh has had a difficult time bonding with my daughter. She was 2 yrs when we brought her home and it was 6 months before she would hug him. 5 years later things are much better but through tremendous effort and unconditional love on behalf of my dh. We still go through seasons where we have to be proactive about the way they are relating to one another. If you are looking at Guat. many of the risk factors are minimized by adopting younger children as well as good foster care vs. the hellish orphanage my dd was from.

In my opinion, if your husband would want to keep the adoption secret than he is not ready to adopt and handle some of the attachment issues or transracial issues that may occur. I also don't see the betrayal issue as big as the attitude that adoption isn't just as wonderful and miraculous as having a bio child. If he thinks of it as a second choice it may not be a good choice for your family.

[kelleymac]

My experience has been that people who raise these issues are genuinely afraid of their ability to parent an adopted child. This isn't a reason not to adopt, but I would advise that you think long and hard about what you both want.

My husband was initially against adopting our first child. He was adamant that he wanted a bio child first and that we would adopt second. Two weeks after we got home with Jonah he looked at me while he held his sleeping child and said "what was I thinking, not wanting to adopt????"

To help understand your husband's hesitation, I would suggest you go to some free classes sponsored by agencies in your area. He might feel free to express his concerns in that forum. (When we went, my normally reserved husband was full of tough questions for the SW and it was quite an eye-opener.)

As for keeping the adoption a secret, two things: the child will likely not look much like you. It's going to be a safe bet to assume that people will know on sight, and thus your child will eventually see the difference in himself and you. Honesty is really the best policy about adoption, and your husband may just not be ready.

On the issue of bonding, our son came home at 7.5-months of age and there have been no bonding problems at all. We belong to him, and he to us. And to us, it's no different than if we have given birth to him.

Kelley

[bhouston]

We have two bio sons and we adopted a little girl from Guatemala...We visited her at 5.5 months and she took one look at my husband and she was his forever! We went back at 9.5 months and she just went to him with a smile and has loved him every since...My husband bonded to her immediately as well....I did bond too but she was having nothing to do with me! That was hard but I understood because she loved her foster mom so much and it took her at least a yr to bond up with me...I would go get her out of her bed and she would scream and go to the other side of it so she didnt have to get up with me...that was very hard but I knew she was grieving her foster mom...She would go to my husband the minute he came home from work and never leave his side til bedtime...We just kept working on it...It didnt help that I broke my leg during this and couldnt walk for 3 months so I didnt even really do alot of care for her...My sons who are much older did and she is extemely bonded to them as well...She is now at 2 as bonded to me as my husband but it has taken alot of work...Because of her being bonded so much to the foster mom she did not want to let anyone as in another woman close to her...She grieved that for a long time...So even in young children this can be an issue...it just takes time...and now she actually prefers me at times over my husband! That is HUGE!!!! I was not prepared for her not to bond up to me right away...My husband yes but not me!!! So each child is different and you have to be willing to accept whatever happens when you bring home a child...it isnt always the picture we have imagined!! But...I really think the issue for us would have never been could either of us have bonded to her but her to us...because we already loved her the minute we laid eyes on her referral pics! Beth

[jennandsteve]

I have experience with adoption in two ways. My sister was adopted from Korea when she was 2, over 35 years ago. She bonded extremely well with my mom at first and eventually with me and my dad. She is happy, healthy and wonderful! My dad was also very hesitant about adopting her, but when we told him we were adopting he was thrilled. No hesitation at all.

My husband however had no experience with adoption and was incredibly reluctant but did not refuse, so I just charged forward and when we went for our visit he fell totally in love. When we picked Sophia up, she was extremely upset for the first night. She was very bonded with her foster mom. But by the next morning she was OK with me, but didn't even want anyone else to look at her. By the time we came home she was OK with my husband and now she is extremely well bonded to both of us and varies on an hourly basis who she wants to play with etc. Except she still wants mommy when she is tired or falls down or something.

My once reluctant husband is so in love with her and so happy we adopted.

I know there is an old thread, quite long, about reluctant husbands. You might try searching the archives.

Jenn

[DPline]

I really wanted to second what Kelleymac said about attending an adoption seminar. My husband was reluctant to adopt also, but the seminar he attended put on by our homestudy agency really made a world of difference in his understanding of and acceptance of the idea of adoption.

As far as bonding, our daughter came home at 11 months old and our son at 20 months old. I really thought Lauren was very bonded to us, pretty much from day one, but now she has been home for 7 months, I can see it was a bit of a gradual process. She never displayed any obvious signs of greiving when she first came home, but has definetly blossomed and become a very happy, loving child in the last few months.

Daniel has transitioned amazingly well. Better than I could have ever hoped for. There were a couple huge meltdowns the first few days, and we have had some bad days since, but overall he been happy and full of hugs and kisses and love for both my husband and myself from the time he came home. My husband picked him up alone and something we are continuing to work on is I can not hand Daniel to my husband and walk away. I assume he is afraid of my husband taking him away from me. So I just need to be careful of how I leave the house, and even the room, and really reinforce that I will be back.

[wvamom]

We brought our son home at 11 1/2 months of age. Like Debbie and BHouston above, our son bonded immediately with my dh--this in spite of the fact that that my dh was probably the most reluctant husband I have heard of, to adopt. Once he saw our son, however, he loved him immediately.

I like the idea of an agency seminar. In addition, do you have any friends/acquaintances who have adopted who might be willing to talk to you and dh about it? That might ease your dh's mind somewhat, as well.

Beyond that, let me encourage you: don't give up--try not to pressure your husband, but I can witness to the fact that husbands can come to agree to things their wives never thought they would. It took a lot of prayer in our case, and God's continuing presence in our lives, and some struggle as well, but we now have the most beautiful son! (not that I am prejudiced, of course!).

BTW, last Saturday the young woman cutting Joseph's hair asked if he was mine or if he was adopted, and I told her, "Both!" In fact, it surprised me that she would even ask if he was adopted--I had forgotten he didn't look like me. (If you saw me, you would laugh--I have red hair and fair skin, nothing like our handsome son!). It turned out her family had adopted her younger brother, and so adoption really interested her. It was an opportunity to make a new friend and affirm how great adoption is.

Feel free to PM me if you need additional words of encouragement.

Carolyn

[Annee]

Our social worker explored the issue of secrecy and openness with us during our homestudy interviews. If we'd indicated any desire to keep our adoption secret, I do not think she would have approved us. It may just take some education and time to mull it over for your husband to realize how wonderful adoption is.

[Heidil87]

I can answer this question in one word........Nope!

[angelkisses0102]

dropping in from the russian boards to add some bonding info., if you don't mind.

our little girl was in a pretty bad situation in russia, she was hospitalized her whole time in russia (10 months) and came home at 11 months. she was sick and malnourished, basically had little to no stimualtion on a daily basis, yet her bonding process was quick and easy. we were very prepared and did do attachment parenting to foster her bonding, but we truly had no issues with it.

last year we adopted our little boy at 7 months from a great orphanage in russia, where he had a decent amount of food, was used to being held (they even held him while bottle feeding him~very rare), and had all sorts of stimulation~toys, mirrors, ball pit, swings, etc. probably one of the best orphanage situations possible. very loving caregivers, with a small ratio of babies per caregiver. (4 to 1, 24/7.)

however, he had a tough time bonding to my dh. it took almost 1 year for him to accept his daddy. i feel he probably felt some grief for the loss of his former life, even though he was a young infant. he had very anious attachment to me and his first 6 months home were very rough. (and we were experienced at this.) we worked through it and he is now securely bonded to us and his whole family.

based on my personal experience, i feel the baby's personality will play a huge role in the bonding process. based on the foster care situation in Guatemala, there are probably far fewer babies that suffer through a longer and harder attachment process, but some will and do. our daughter has a strong and outgoing personality, she is not afraid to try things and i believe this helped her survive her early days. our little guy is very emotional, he takes everything to heart. we joke about hurting his baby feelings all the time because he is so sensitive. (even his almost 4 year old sister will ask if his baby feelings got hurt when he starts whining. )

as for not sharing the fact that the child is adopted, , my kids think all babies are adopted and come from russia. boy, do i have some explaining to do. we have shared their stories with them since we brought them home. it is part of them and it can not be changed.

good luck in your journey.

ps~ dh saw a woman at work today with 2 little girls adopted from China~commented on how beautiful they were. so, the man who said one child is now thinking of his 3rd adopted child.

[Pamsko]

Adoption is a tough road to walk down....and I would make sure he's willing to walk with you and support you when times get rocky and rough. My dh was a gem...but very even keeled...when I was shouting from the rooftops and crying incessantly, he was calm and collected...but emotionally invested too -- I think you need to make sure you both want this.

As for bonding...yep, in some cases it's TOUGH. Our toddler is just about to turn two years old (August) and my dh's family was here for a week. Although he's been home since January 05 with us, I became persona non grata the entire week they were here. He didn't want anything to do with me...and when they went to get in the car and leave on Sunday, he was waving bye-bye to me and my dh and cried because they weren't taking him with them...he would have eagerly gone with them. It broke my heart and a part of me grieved all day yesterday for the little boy I had so wanted...but his heart is still shut to me. Today is another day and I'm feeling a bit like we are back on square one and I'm back to having to bribe my son to look at me with chocolate...I often wonder if there will come a day when he will accept that THIS is his family..

Our baby (home at 6 months who will turn 1 yo in July) bonded instantly with all of us. He lifts up his fat little arms to our family and his smile lights up the room.

Bonding will depend on the personality of the child and you just have to be prepared for the worst and take the best...

[csw]

Hi
Its hard to imagine but I bonded the minute I saw her referral photo..I saw her at 8 weeks old then every 8 weeks afterwards until she came home at 9 months..my husband bonded instantly with her when he went on a visit also..the first 2 or 3 days in Guat when I fostered her she would look at me and get upset..but after she realized I was actually nice and going to feed her lots more than the foster mother she would not let go of me!
I also think women have the hormones flowing with adoption also, not just with bio. births..

[heikkila]

I think you have to be prepared for anything.

I have two children by adoption one was very easy to bond with; the other was not easy to bond with. Different kids with different personalities - we're different parents, too.

One of my close friends has two children by birth (about the same ages as my two kids). She says one was very easy to bond with; the other was not easy to bond with. I was surprised to hear that, but in a way, I was relieved that we were going through normal parenting issues.

I don't think it's all bad to have to work at bonding with your child. It really helped us to read some parenting books on bonding and attachment - that gave us a few practical ideas about what to do with a child who doesn't bond easily. A lot of the activities are really fun for any child and parent!

And, at least from my experience, the work pays off. Is it frustrating at times, yes. But it's something you can work with. Bonding and attachment isn't just an "adoption thing" - it's a "having kids" thing.

Rebecca

[Kimberj71]

Both our daughter and our son bonded well with us and relatively quickly. Our son was 6.5 months when he came home and had a tough couple of days...mostly, if we wanted him to take a bottle we couldn't look at him. So we would hold him and look the other direction. By the time we'd been home for a few days we were able to make eye contact without him refusing the bottle. Overall, I think it took a couple of months for him to really feel like we were his.

On the other hand, I had some difficulty bonding with our daughter (who came home 3 months before our son). While she fit seemlessly into our family life and took us as her own after about a week, I really struggled for a good month or so to feel like she was mine. I loved her, from the moment I saw her photo I loved her. But loving is different than bonding, I think. At least for me it was. Bonding just happened with her over a period of time and just involved me caring for her day in and day out. Now, she is as much mine as if she'd been born to me. Interestingly, I bonded with our son with no problem. I think as others have said, it really depends on the personalities involved...the parents' and the child's.

I think it's great that you're asking these types of questions. I hope that your husband will be open to asking questions and searching out answers to his concerns. As others have said, you really do need a support system as you make your way through the adoption process, so both of you need to be on board.

Good luck!
Kim