[dixiemom]

Okay, I am not usually the type of person to whine about things, but I must admit I am somewhat disappointed in certain members of my family. I did not have a shower, but I thought Carmen would receive a gift here and there from some of them. My husband's sister and her daughter each got her some darling outfits, but that has been all she has received. My own siblings have sent her nothing. My father-in-law, brother-in-law and his wife have sent nothing and they all live here in town. Oddly enough, my sister-in-law who is 42 is expecting her 4th child (her youngest is 17) is sending me a shower invitation! Maybe I am whining over nothing, but I can't help but feel a bit slighted. It is so odd to me that several forum friends who I am in contact with regularly have sent gifts and my family hasn't.

Maybe I just needed to vent!

[KellyMigoya]

Absolutely not. Mia received so many gifts I couldn't even keep track of them.
I give or send gifts to every friend or family member who has a child regardless of which number it is.
I have 9 cousins. I have sent gifts to everyo one of them for each of their babies. Three of the cousins are from the same family and they never even sent Mia a card!1 I can't tell you how hurt I was! I could care less if I ever see them again. THey sent gifts for both of my boys but have completely ignored my adopted daughter!

[Janette Monteil]

NO You are NOT wrong to feel slighted, because it happened to me too. With Jeff it was everyone was soo nice and made such a fuss. With Jason, (whose adoption got stuck in the Hague mess) it was like we had brought home a goldfish or something. MOST of my friends and family did NOTHING. This is what made me mad too. I took a second job to help pay for the expenses. The entire time I worked there (over 2 years) that was all i talked about, cried about( hague) delt with etc. I FINALLY got him home and my coworkers didnt' even give me a stupid GROUP CARD! NOTHING! As for family in Kansas, my mother in law sent me something and my sister in law did, but as for the rest of them, (6 more families) NO WORD WHATSOEVER THAT HE EVEN CAME HOME! WHY???? Not even an email nada!! Come on if I had HAD a bio-child I just dont' think I would have gotten such a nothing reaction. Second child syndrome maybe???

blah

[csw]

Hi
I kind of know how you feel...it does seem when a woman is pregnant where I was working they got huge showers with hundreds of dollars in gifts and when I adopted our son I got a shower with 3 people and a bag of potato chips and a small store bought cake...I did not get a shower from my family with Ana's adoption..I thought even though she was our second child she was our first girl and since I had 12 years age difference I needed alot of baby things again etc..I did get a few gifts here and there like clothes..but I had to rush out after we got back and get the highchair, exersaucer, bouncy jumpy thing etc..after we were home several months my work buddies had me come in and there were about 5 people there and a cake and they did all chip in for a carseat..so that was very nice..
I do think it is very rude of your close family members not to have given you a shower..sometimes people do treat things differently when you adopt..maybe you should talk to them about it? I tend to just let things slide..but I know when my sister is expecting her 2nd child she will get another shower...just have to say oh well...

[wannahave3]

Just another way to look at it. When I had my first bio every day was like Christmas - the gifts poured in! When I had my second bio - not so much. They sort of trickled here and there. With my third it is the same sort of trickle.

Maybe it is a "second child thing" versus an "adopted child thing"??

As far as close family members and very close friends go, it is inexcusable and of course you feel slighted. I completely get your point that it isn't so much the gift as the recognition of the event. We had five people attend our wedding and never send us a gift, a card, an email - zero! I'm so sorry this is happening to you

[Chop]

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Since I don't know you and Carmen to give a gift please accept my gift of words.
What an incredible endevour you have embarked upon! You are to be admired for your patience, tenacity and love to have completed an adoption. Carmen is a blessed child to have a mom that loves her, protects her and desires the best for her. There is no doubt in my mind that you are the best gift her life will hold.
May your relationship begin with many baby giggles, leading to child-like joy, growing into a strong bond during adolescence and a finally deep friendship when she is an adult.
God Bless You!

[moelladeville]

Hi Lynn,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I know what it's like -- my only living sister hasn't even come to meet my children -- forget about acknowledging adoptions, birthdays, etc. The rest of my relatives are worse.

But I have to say I just don't let it bother me, because I have so many good people in my life who HAVE visited and acknowledged my boys. I moved to a new state right after my first adoption. I knew no one, and yet I've been touched by the kindness of people I've barely known a year who have acknowledged Cole's adoption. Not only that, but also since I am single, I had no expectations for mothers' day. Today, I opened two gifts from friends -- one of whom I have just met (Jackson's friend's mother), one from a long-time friend -- both of whom wanted to make sure I got something for mothers' day.

I feel so lucky and touched. For me, life is too short to focus on the nasty people, because there are so many good people out there. It's hard in moments where you feel hurt to focus on that, but I predict that darling little Carmen will continue to build her cadre of admirers just by being herself! Those who don't acknowledge her are missing out on something pretty terrific.

I don't mean to sound preachy or diminish your feelings -- this board is a great place to vent. Just wanted to share my perspective.

Marjorie

[foxl]

I am with you. I thought it was because of a) changing work relations, b) my second kid is a boy, first one was girl ... but, my one brother "may" fly in to see us this summer, my other brother had no gift for Sam when he did come, and my dearest old friend has STILL not met him and he has been home for over three months, she is 45 minutes away -- what's up with THAT?

I did not need or want any gifts or fanfare, so much as the sentiment they represented ... but, OH WELL -- the main thing is that our second kids are as important to us as our first ones are, right? They certainly won't feel slighted.
Linda

[mary594]

Lynn

You have a right to feel this way. I had a baby shower and received sooo much and after I brought her home, I received gifts everytime someone came over plus people sent me things. So vent a way you have a right.

Mary

[desilu1991]

Hey, Lynn,

I wasn't expecting a shower, but after giving to SO many babies at church, and in the family and with friends, just to know that they know we're alive and we have just gotten a HUGE blessing in our life, would have been nice.

Two weeks after we got home, my sister planned and hosted a gigantic shower for a woman she barely knew... My mother mentioned that maybe they could do one for Luke but my sister said "she'll be getting lots from the folks in her church, so I don't think so...".. About what I'd expect from her. I didn't really want a shower.. just for people to celebrate with us that Luke is home FINALLY!

Well, my sister is having number 8, as a lot of you already know.. and guess who's having a huge shower in 2 weeks? You guessed it... I'm sure I'll get an invite.. With her previous 7, she's had a total of 14 showers so far... I had one small shower at our local church when my 2nd child was born and that's it as far as showers...

I try not to be bitter about it, but it did hurt me that my own sister would plan a shower for a woman she's only known for a couple of months and ignore her own nephew. It wasn't the shower issue, it was that he wasn't important enough to have a special party for! I'm so excited that he's home that I am thinking of having a huge blowout for his birthday that's only a little over a month away, which is making me very sad!

It would be nice if others could realize how much these adoptions mean to us and at least send a card to let us know they care. I could care less about the gifts.. it's the sentiment, like someone above said. It does make you feel as if you've been "slighted".

I understand how you feel completely. I think anyone who hasn't adopted, will never really understand how much it takes out of us to make it through this process ... how a word from them telling us that they are happy for us and celebrate with us means so much...

I am sorry that your family hasn't been more excited for you.. but I can tell you that I am VERY, VERY EXCITED that Carmen is home and that you are her Mom!!! You're a fantastic mom and Gabriel and Carmen are so lucky to have you!!! Our family is celebrating and very happy for you!

I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day tomorrow!

[LucyLuMyLuv]

I too know how you feel. I was not expecting gifts but a "Welcome Home" card would have been nice. I too gave gifts to all my cousins' new babies -- no matter what the number, and to not even get a card was/is very hurtful.
Those who have welcomed my daughter will share in her life. For those who haven't -- it is THEIR loss, not hers!

[Cory S.]

I'm so sorry. you should be upset and you have every right to feel how you want. I think that it is your family that is missing out and I say, don't go to the shower, instead, take that money and go shopping with your baby and buy the gift that they SHOULD have gotten you!

[LisaAnn1170]

Boy, can I relate to this. I'm so sorry this is happening to you because I know how painful it can be.

Keep in mind, this is our first child, so this can't be the second-child syndrome.

My husband's cousin had a baby last year and everyone made a big fuss with a shower and the whole thing. This past Christmas, my husband's oldest brother asked if anyone was planning a shower for us and my mother-in-law chimed in, "No, we're not having one." I was so hurt!! My husband reacted by saying that nobody had offered and the whole conversation ended right there. It was really hurtful and I have to admit I feel rather bitter.

My family is no better. I have no siblings and all of my relatives are at least 3 hours away. I use that as my excuse for their disinterest. A friend of mine who has really been interested in our adoption threw us a shower that involved a few of my friends and family members in my hometown, but my own mother made me feel lousy about it. She said, "I'm embarrassed that you're having a shower when you don't even know when you'll have a baby!" Embarrassed?! Again, I was really hurt! It's not my fault this process is really unpredictable! By the way, we had been out of PGN about 6 weeks at the time of the shower, so we had assumed our son would be home then. Here we are, nearly 3 months after having exited PGN, and we still have no child. I still hear how "rude" it was that we had a shower and I don't have a child yet.

Sorry to add my own rants to your thread. But, I can really relate. Our son is treated so differently from other children in the family and it bothers me to NO end! I'm not an overly-sensitive person, so I don't think it's just me being emotional.

I think it's just hard for other people with no adoption experience to understand how we feel. It's not a very good answer to this situation, but unforatunately, it's the best I have!

Best wishes to you in your adoption!

[kady2004]

I am just appalled at these posts.. how can people be so insensitive... I am so sad for those of you whose family chose to not celebrate appropriately with you... I think everyone deserves a shower & celebration when they have children, adopted or bio, & at least once if not twice... now on the 8th child I am not so sure ...... LOL...
I hope you have other people in your lives who choose to celebrate this wonderful event, and maybe a mention to family members on how hurtful they have been would not be amiss!
So no I think you have every right to vent, vent away my friend, vent away!

[DPline]

I too can relate. We did already have a six-year-old son, so I didn't "need" anything, but a card or other acknowledgement would have been nice when our children came home. As someone else said, it isn't the gifts or the cards, it is the sentiment. We received a couple cards and gifts when Lauren came home. (Lauren's absolute favorite toy is a wonderful bear from a Forum friend who was at the Marriott at the same time.) When Daniel came home, the only cards/gifts we received were from my sister-in-law's mother-in-law and my second cousin, who had also adopted from Guatemala.
Vent away friend! Happy Mother's Day!