[monti10]

I just wanted to leave this message for everyone. It is not meant to scare anyone or place blame, it is only meant to be informitable.

We adopted two little boys from Guatemala and they have both been home since October 2004 (three weeks apart). At the time one was 15 months old and the other was 10 months old. Both had been in foster care, but not in the same one. We had problems almost immediately with our one boy (15 month old), severe temper tantrums that could range anywhere from 30 minutes to 6 hours. During which time he would continually throw himself onto the floor. He would gorge his food and drink and throw tantrums when he was done and we would not give him more. To give you an idea of what he ate one night for dinner; 24 small ravioli, fruit cup, (from Berger King) 4 chicken strips, french fries, 8 oz. of milk, then we started giving him cups of cheerios. After the 3rd cup we cut him off. He showed no signs of stopping.

At 21 months we had him assessed for developmental delays. He was assessed developmentally between 14-17 months. He has low muscle tone and low activity level. He has speech delays and does not play with toys age appropriately. He is hyposensitive (does not react to pain), and has attachment issues. He has never attached himself to any member of our family (myself, my husband or our two daughters), but will constantly run away to strangers.

He has been assessed with other things also, but the list goes on for quite some time. The reason that I wanted to post this note was that we adopted from Guatemala because we did not want the chance of having any of the behavioral problems that you hear of from Eastern Europe or Asia. Even if they are in a good foster home (which we think he was), the problems could have occurred prior to them entering the foster home.

This is not meant to sound doom and gloom, but I just don't want anyone to say that there are no documented cases of these kinds of behavioral problems coming out of Guatemala because our case in documented. We have talked to more pediatricians, therapists and psychologists since November that our heads our just spinning.

I hope that no one ever has to go through the pain the waiting for your child to come home to give them all the love you have only to realize that they cannot or do not return that love. And that they would rather receive hugs and be kind to a stranger rather then you.

Luckily our other little guy is amazing and we cannot remember our family before him. He adores his two older sisters and they dote on him every waking moment. They even love when I take him to their school (they are in 1st grade).

I don't know if this information will help anyone and I don't think there was anything our agency could have done to see the signs. But I just wanted you to know that for thankfully all the happy endings that are out there not all of them end happily.

Thanks for reading!!

[waiting4james]

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. I think we all need to be prepared for attachment issues in adoption... toddlers are difficult because they can't express what they are feeling and their frustrations come out in sometimes horrible tantrums.

The vast majority of cases where children are in foster homes end in a securely attached child, but that's not always without some trials. Our son came home in October 2004 also, and it's pretty soon to say he won't attach. You can never count on the fact that he was not abused or neglected, and all you can do is your best to read him.

It's important that you convey the best you can to your child, that you love them forever, the placement is forever, no matter how hard it is. Try not to let your child see the frustration you're feeling. Sympathising with a toddler goes a long way. If you make your child feel naughty, they start to identify themselves as such. I know you've been to experts, and adopting one toddler far from makes me one. It's hard to tell what a person really feels from a post, so I may be misreading you, but I wonder if members of your family build up the son that's been easier, and jealousy is part of the behavior problem.

I don't think any of us should enter into adoption with the attitude that we don't want to or aren't willing to deal with any attachment issues. That is expecting way too much from a traumatized child.

Good luck with him, attachment issues are very emotional, we've dealt with some, but luckily not too many issues. However, we prepared for a lot of issues, so what seems few to us may seem like a lot to others. I know that if we'd had other children in the mix, it probably would have been tougher for him, but there isn't much you can do about that of course, and you just have to deal with the situation you have the best you can. Wish I had more advice.

Your post is a good reminder that anytime you are planning on parenting a child who has a past, you can't be certain what that past is, and what you will deal with. We should all be sure that we're up to the task before bringing them home and possibly disrupting their lives more with a failed placement.

Chelsea

[Kate'sMom2B]

We have adopted 3 times; twice from Russia, and once from Guatemala. I count my blessings every day that our children blended so well into our family and that any issues are ones we can handle.

That said, I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about the issues with your son. I don't think anyone could understand the frustration unless they've dealt with similar issues. I think I have. We have raised my nephew off and on since he was 6 months old. He is now a little over 3. He went back to his mom this past weekend, for good (she is a recovering addict/alcoholic). The biggest issues, or symptoms of issues, was his binging/stealing food. It was constant. This past year was nothing near a cakewalk for our family. We had a lock on our refrigerator...didn't take him long to break it off. You literally could not turn your back on him for one minute of the day. We had him for 15 months this time around and thought once he realized there would be regular meals and snacks and love, he would be fine. But he wasn't. He also seemed to have attachment issues. He would walk up to strangers in the store and say, "I'm hungry!" He would say it to people who dropped by our house, being smiley and sweet. If they said, "I'm sorry, I don't have any snacks with me (nevermind the endless discussions we had with him about not asking anyone but us for food), his smile and sweetness would immediately disappear and he'd say, "I don't like you!" If we hadn't taken steps to stop the all-day/all-night attempts to raid the kitchen he would be very overweight by now (once, we found him at 3 am in the kitchen, he'd eaten 5 pieces of pizza, 5 bananas, half a giant bag of fritos, and a quart of lemonade and wasn't slowing down). I never thought food issues could be so stressful. We love our nephew (he is my dh's deceased brother's son) but living with him was so hard. I feel a bit guilty feeling relieved in some ways that he is out of our hands now...yet happy to be able to spend one on one time with Brielle during the day now. The everyday stress was unbelievable...he also lied regularly and could be destructive (but luckily not violent with our other kids).

I think your situation with your son from Guat is unusual, at least from what I hear. As you said, the track record of EE is worse as far as attachment and developmental delays are concerned. That is not to say anyone doubts that it could happen to a Guatemalan-born child, even in foster care. After all, it can happen to bio kids right here in the USA.

I pray for your family's strength in dealing with your son's issues. I hope there are some interventions which will help...ie attachment therapy, early intervention, etc.

[Kimberj71]

I'm sorry for the frustration and disappointment you must be feeling. I have not had to handle the types of issues you and your family are dealing with, but I can on a small level ,relate to the surprise and disappointment in learning that the child you imagined you would bring home is not the child you have to parent.

I was so scared, angry, disappointed, and worried when Jeremy came home. While I was thrilled to finally have him with us and I knew about his misshappen head, I was not as prepared for the developmental delays we saw when he first came home. Once we'd had him evaluated by a pediatric neurologist in Guatemala, and they said he was normal, we just assumed that he would be doing normal developmental stuff. But he was not. I was so scared about what that would mean for him, for us, and for our four other children at home. We knew we definitely were not cut out to parent a special needs child on so many levels.

Things only got worse before they got better. When we brought him to our own pediatrician, he was very concerned about his muscle tone and it was only on one side which can be indicative of c.p. Also he was concerned that he might need surgery on his skull as he thought his sutures were closing even though the CAT scan in Guatemala showed his skull to be normal. I can not express how betrayed I felt at first, and sad, and lonely, and very very worried for our little boy.

We've been in physical therapy since October 2004. And while he is still a couple months behind developmentally, and maybe alittle behind verbally, he has come a very long way. The negative feelings came less and less as they were replaced by more positive feelings of happiness for the tiny things he became able to do....reach with his right hand, grab something held in front of him...things many 3 months old could do that took a month or more for my 6.5 month old to accomplish. And today we are celebrating bigger and bigger things...he cruises along the furniture, he throws EVERYTHING with his RIGHT HAND!! The doctor says you can barely detect the muscle tone difference in his arms, now we're working on his legs. He's due for some orthotics to help brace his ankles so his muscles and ligaments can learn the correct way to stand and walk. We are so excited!

My point is, that you are not alone in bringing home someone different than you expected. You are dealing with the whole attatchment thing as well. But bringing your little guy(s) home is not the ending. It is just the beginning. I realize that now, and I pray that you too will find the happy ending you, your family, and your little boy deserve.

Thank you so much for sharing the reality with us. Sometimes it's difficult to do when others are so thrilled at their child's homecoming...or when you have one child who is doing well and excelling and another who is struggling to keep his head above water. You are very courageous for sharing your experience with us. Thank you.

Kim

[Pamsko]

I'm so sorry...and I feel your frustration.

We brought home 2 children too...one 17 mo and one 6 mo...we've been home almost 3 months now...but those first few were rougher than I ever anticipated. Thankfully, our 17 mo old attached himself to my dh...but I suffer heartbreak almost every day when it's obvious that our son is just "living" here with me...but his heart is somewhere else and he is just biding his time till "DADDDEEEE" is home...

Oddly, we've been looking at a lot of pictures lately...going over Alex's adoption story, hoping some of it sinks in. When we ask him to point to "daddee" he points to my dh...when we ask him to point to Scotty (brother) he does...when we ask him to point to Scotty's mom -- he points to me...but when we ask him to point to Alex's mom...it's still his Guatemalan foster mother he points to...

We are family #4 for our little guy (birthmom, foster mom#1, foster family #2, then us)...so I know that a lot of grief and loss has been with him for all his life...I sometimes wonder if I will ever be his mom...but I have to hope that in time, with lots of love and attachment building activities, he'll recognize me as mom.

I wish you luck and thank you for telling your story...

[alyssa&avery]

Wow, what a powerful post. I have been pondering it for most of the afternoon and trying to think of an appropriate response. Because I have no first hand experience with this, I will offer no words of wisdom or try to tell you that I understand or sympathize with what you are going through.

I will, however, offer my support of listening to you. I'm sure that this was difficult for you to post and not something that most people want to read or hear about. The reality is though that some children will have some adjustment difficulties ranging from mild to severe.

There is a board here for parents who have children with attacment disorders and they seem like a great group of people. Perhaps you can find some support and guidance there as well as here.

I hope that you and your family find a way to help this troubled young man. Please keep reaching out for help because even though he may not be able to express it or accept it right now, he really does need you.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and please post from time to time to let us know how you all are doing........ or just to vent and get some support.

Lori

[vivismom]

This sounds exactly like my little brother. I was 15 when we adopted my little bro and sis from Peru. He was 2 1/2 and she was a baby. He had terrible temper tantrums (hours long), especially before he went to bed, and would also steal and hide food. We would find american cheese slices as hard as a rock under his bed, rotten fruit, etc. He also would go to strangers- at church he would hug ANYONE. Also he didn't know when to stop eating (ate 2 whole easter baskets full of chocolate candy without us knowing and was really sick!) and got pretty chubby until we could control it. He also would call me mom instead of our mom because she was taking care of my littlest sister a lot (who had t be in the hospital for a while). I will tell you that right now he is 15, a sophomore in high school, a great runner on the cross country team, and definitely doesn't have temper tantrums anymore. It took about 1-2 years for him to realize that we weren't going anywhere, and for us to realize that he was just a scared little boy trying to protect himself. This may not be the case of your little guy, but I just wanted to share the story that not all stories have a bad ending. Please PM me if you have any questions. I totally understand where you are coming from- it is HARD to keep saying "I love you no matter what" while he is biting, hitting, screaming, pulling off glasses, etc, etc. Keep looking for and accepting support and I hope that everything turns out all right.
Becky

[luvubella]

First of all I want to say that I know exactly how you feel! BUT I know it with a bio son! This can happen to anyone, not just with adoption. These signs don't present themselves until they are around 14-16 months so I thought I had a "healthy" baby. These are risks you take in having children, not in just adopting.

Having said that, I need to say that I relate to the disappointment and frustration that you feel as a mother. I absolutely love my son, but there were so many times, most of the time, where I did not like him. I would dread getting out of bed not knowing what the day would hold. Or maybe I would dread it because I knew what the day would hold. It would take every ounce of my energy to make it until my husband would come home from work and I would break down in tears nearly every day. His therapists would walk in the door and I would just hand him off and walk away. I would cry all the time because I didn't understand him(the why was this happening to him) and I felt like such a failure as a mother.

On top of all of this I had become pregnant with my second when my first was 12 months old. Not showing any signs of delays yet, we were very happy. Once all of this starting happening I was four months pregnant and freaking out! I did not know how I was going to now handle this special needs child and a newborn. Thank God my second child has been just fine developementally, infact he is way ahead of where he should be.

We struggled for years with him and still do to a certain extent. But believe me when I say that it does get better. People that I knew that had gone through this kept telling me that and I didn't believe them but it does. It is very hard though.
When we made the decision to adopt, people would ask us "what if the child has problems?" and my response would be "have you met my son?" Been there done that!

I know he will never be an easy child for me and will be my biggest challenge. I just know that he will be my greatest accomplishment as well. Hang in there, love him, allow yourself to feel upset and angry and then stand up and be his mom the best you can be!

Please pm me if you need to talk. I didn't use to share my story, It was too much for me to talk about at the time, but I realized that it helped me and in turn, helped other people too.

[lucyjoy]

I don't usually post on this board but I received a pm from someone about this post.

No country is free of attachment disorder. If foster care was the cure, the us system would have less cases.
It's also normal for kids with attachment issues to appear to attach to dad and only tolerate mom.

International agencies should do a better job educating families not only about potential issues, but parenting in a way to facilitate healing. They also need to take more responsibility for post adoption services so when a problem arises, they can direct parents to the help they need.

You may with to visit the attachment forum of this board as well as the attachment disorder network website www.radzebra.org or Nancy Thomas website at www.attachment.org. There is a wealth of information in all these sources as well as help and support for parenting troubled children. Healing is very possible especially in children this young.