[Pamsko]

Yesterday was such a difficult day for me. My dd (11 yo) is home for spring break...we've actually had a marvelous week. She's been a big help. Yesterday, she went in to get our toddler (Alex, 19 months) up from his nap. I could hear them chattering away, then she said "let's go to mama" Alex got so excited...he starts calling out, "mama, mama"...as they came out of the room, he heads right past me and presses himself against the screen door yelling "mama! mama!".

I went over to him and said "mama's here, I'm your mama"...he continued to look out the door until I finally shut it. He looked so sad for the rest of the day...

He's been home almost 3 months now...and I had thought we were making such good progress but it's now obvious to me that most days he's just "living" here, waiting for his "mama" (I assume that's his fostermom in G.C.) to come pick him up.

My dh has been "daddeee" to him from day one...and dont' get me wrong, I don't want him to "forget" his other family or decrease his respect (or our respect) for them....but am wondering when I will finally be mama to him...Our social worker told us "6 months"...but that doesn't stop my heart (and obviously poor Alex's heart) from breaking...

[foxl]

Pam, I am so sorry this is happening! Does henever call you Mama at all, or was this a single, glitchy event? He was asleep, maybe he woke oriented to his earlier life?

How are things going today?
Linda

Onr other thought, maybe you should try to have him call you something else -- Mummy or something different enough -- so he does not have the sense of you as a "replacement?"

[Laura7542]

Pam - I rarely have time to check the boards anymore but I read your post and wanted to say that must be so difficult. He will be calling you Mommy soon. But I am sure it's not soon enough.

Good Luck, Laura

[Pamsko]

No...he's never called me mama previously...he says "ma" quite a lot at the dinner table, but we've determined that it's baby talk for "mas" (more) He says a few words that we can discern (daddddeeeee, aqua, kiiiiieeee (kitty), doooeeee (doggie) and is just starting to say "sissy" which is what we call my dd)...but no mama...so part of my disappointment was probably two-fold.

It's a new day today but I'm still feeling a bit blue...mostly sad for Alex and how confused he must be about where he is at and why...I decided to at least post this on the forums to perhaps get some reassurance that I will, eventually be his mama (I mean, I know I will, it's just really hard to keep it all in perspective at the moment)...

Thanks!

[foxl]

You already ARE. He just might not like to call you the same thing as his FM.

How is his behavior otherwise -- does he make eye contact with you? Will he play with you, does he come to you for comfort when upset or hurt? Are you the one he looks to for food and bottles? You may have to "sneak up on" him in the mothering role, but he probably already regards you as filling it!

[luvubella]

I agree with foxl, maybe you might want to try him calling you something else like mom or mommy so that it will help him make the distinction between the two of you. Hope this helps................

[mattecook]

This has to be a really sad place in your heart. You may be already but maybe you could spend 1 day a week or a certain chunk of time where it is just you and your son. Go to the park, go swimming, go to the library or whatever just you and him one on one time might help him along to know that you and him belong together. Praying that you find comfort soon.

Ami

[Pamsko]

Yes, he does interact with me like I'm his mother (lots of eye contact, smiles, hugs, etc)...and when I contacted the social worker about a month ago for followup, he asked me pages of questions and then said "good job, things are going well...give it 6 months, 18 months is a real hard age for kids"

My dd calls me mom...but I always refer to myself as mama and Ed always calls me mama...we'll try a change in vocabulary and see what transpires...

[lockharts]

Pam, Don't loose hope. Remeber, he has 16 months of one thing and only 3 months of another. Pretty soon, he will get it. You just need to keep saying it over and over. Also, I used to read a book "A mother for Choco" to my kids. They love that book so much. Maybe try that too. Good Luck. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Pamsko]

How funny....I JUST ordered that book for us off Amazon about a week ago! We are expecting it in the mail any day now!

Thanks!

[Jensboys]

HI Pam - I hope you dont mind me crashing the Guat forums to offer some support and some advice.

I really believe that the toughest age to adopt a child is between the ages of 12 and 24 months - they are old enough to have a long, lasting attachment to a previous care giver but too little to really understand what is going on or have the verbal skills to be explained to.

I know of a family (not a Guat adoption) that adopted a 14 month old that sat in their front window or clung to the door every day for 5 months before his adoptive parents contacted his former foster parents, begged them to adopt and disrupted their own adoption.

I think that the frustration and pain you feel when your child is bonded to someone else and so obviously struggling is overwhelming at times. I also dont think that calling you anything specific "mama" or "mommy" really makes that big of a difference when you know that its just a word to them. My boys (adopted at 3 and 4) called me Mommy right away - but that didnt make me their "mommy" anymore than the neighbour down the street.

Anyways, saying all that, I am sure you have all the books and know all the activities to promote attachment. In my experience, for a good attachment it takes a year - some wise mom told me that if you do everything right, expect it to take as long as the child was away from you.

I DO think you are doing the right thing here - reaching out to find some real support. Understanding that not agknowledging attachment issues dont make them not exist and allowing and promoting your sons' grieving process.

In a few months, if he isnt progressing, you might have to "unstick" him ... but thats a different topic.

Praying for you!

Jen

[csw]

Hi Pam..
I think that he is a very smart and very sensitive little boy. Even at 9 months old our daughter had a terrible time and it took her 2 months before I could even put her down without her crying. It took almost 1 year for her to sleep through the night. She is also very smart and very sensitive. It will take time. I had heard of a little boy adopted from Korea as a toddler..he would take his shoes and walk around the yard in circles repeatedly calling out the name mama (in Korean)..like he was looking for her. It broke their hearts. Like you said..it took about 6 months and he has adjusted beautifully. Adopting a toddler is not easy..I think you are doing a great job. Some recommend starting over with the infancy part ..bottles..carrying around etc..and by reliving his infancy with him he will bond better..it is especially hard for you because you have a younger baby at home also, in addition to your older daughter.
Hang in there..dont take it personally..it has got to be hard on the little guy and it sounds like you are making some progress. Let us know how it goes..

[Devora]

Pam, mostly I want to say that I'm sorry you're having this heartbreak. And that it sounds like he really is attaching to you and loves you.

I would just echo what others have said about using a different word to refer to you so that he's not confused by two "mamas". I've seen other posts where people talked about doing that and how it helped. I also remember seeing one post where the name confusion had to do with what the child called their foster father vs. their dad. So it's not just a mom issue -- that's just more common.

But it really does sound like he's securely attaching to you. Trust your social worker's assessment and trust yourself. Most importantly, trust your son. Together you'll find our way.

Peace,
Devora

[my3guats]

This is so hard. I know the feeling...I remember about a month or two after Isaac was home and we were watching a video of our pick up trip and it was in our attorney's house(Isaac's foster family) and the other kids were asking where it was and he said, "My home!"

With these older ones we just keep plugging away...celebrating the successes and breathing deep on the not so good times. One thing that always gets to me is that he won't come join us in bed like our other two little ones in the night. Now of course when they are waking me up in the middle of the night and making sleep impossible I am not thinking this...but when I think about it in the day it hurts as I know it is just that he still is not completely bonded...but even though he has been with us almost a year..he was in Guatemala 4 1/2 yrs, and two of those with his foster family.

So you are not alone in this and this is a great place to get support!

[pmgor]

Our son came home at age 4.5 months so you would think he would recognize me as mama early on. Nope, it took him at least 2 months to decide I was mama. I can understand how heartbreaking this must be for you and I hope he will realize mama is right there with him very soon.

I know those months when my son went to anyone with no problems were super hard for me emotionally. The day he finally made a move to prefer me over someone else I cried.

Hugs to you!