[msaguilar]

I apologize...I just need to vent and also am looking for help. I don't think anyone else could truly understand except folks on this forum (if the situation applies to you, too, esp.) so I come to you for advice. Here goes:

My MIL has held our baby once; he's been home 4 months (including half a month when we were staying with her over Christmas); she has had nothing nice to say about him except that he's a good eater; she has never come to visit us and never calls....I could go on and on... AND, the worst part is that she is constantly comparing Luca to her "real grandson" (my words, not hers), my nephew, whom I ADORE but don't think it's right to compare peoples' children.

She is constantly praising her other grandson who is apparently a genious, has been smiling since he popped out of the womb, is a comedian, is gorgeous.....
Mind you, I simply adore and LOVE my nephew to pieces so I am not resentful in the least. I loved having the two together playing, and spending time with him, etc...

Now, I don't care what she says to me, or how she says it. I can handle it. But I do not want to subject my son to such negativity and DEFINITELY do not want Luca to be exposed to such comparison-making as my MIL is doing between her two grandsons...she can say whatever she wants ytpo me, I can handle it, but not an innocent child.

One note: she is Latina so that's not the issue. These are my thoughts and complaints. Anyway advice anyone? Have you had similar experiences? Thanks for letting me spill and for listening.
By the way: the one comment she did make was that "that baby never smile!.." (followed, of course, by the fact that her other grandson was smiling throughout in the womb, during the birth, and hasn't stopped since). I sent her this photo, below...do you think she bought it? ;-)

Maggie

[desilu1991]

Hi, Maggie..

How could she not? That is the face of a happy, healthy little boy and I don't understand how she could act that way towards him... My sister has acted indifferent since we told her about our adoption... Never asks how it's going, what the status is, when he's coming home... etc... I finally learned to not let it get under my skin... *well, I'm still working on that, but with God's grace, I'm getting there*...

Does your nephew live near your mil? If so, i was thinking that maybe that was the reason she feels so close to him and seems to feel the need to compare them...

I can't understand the way she's acting and I don't have any great words of wisdom.... I hope and pray, especially for Luca's sake, that she realizes how precious he is and that she doesn't impress any of her negativity on him.

He is a doll, and I would be proud to call him my grandson! *I'm way too young to be a grandma, though! *

I hope things get better in that situation... I understand how you feel!

[menadam]

What a grin.
I know some will say to ignore her but I have a relative who is adoption illiterate (well more than adoption) and I just have to correct her when she says something ignorant we just rec'd a referral of a beautiful little girl born last week and I can't wait to hear what she will say. Sometime's when she says something STUPID I laugh and then correct her. Or I say "Well that is not very nice." It is my Step MIL and there is tension and favoritism already. This should get very interesting when she gets here. I have a 7 year old son and I will not allow her to talk negative to him. she is always comparing the behaviors of the grandchildren. And I say, "Oh well, if I had known there was a contest we would have studied, practiced,etc" even if my son is the best that day. I say "Oh, we are number 1" not in front of him of course. She is starting to get the hint and has apologized a few times. And if she says one more time "in my day..." UGGHHH!
Hang in there. Just love on that little boy as much as YOU can.

[MLRJ]

How could she not love that adorable little guy??? We had weird comments from my MIL when we brought ours home from VN-She kept saying how great the neighbors baby was from Russia- ( in our case it was likely a racial issue)- But the good news is - my MIL still does not spend a lot of time with our now three year olds- but she does now think that they are adorable-So I am thinking that yours will come along too. How could she not with that winning little smile?

I think it will get better.

Good Luck,

MLRJ

[resabelle]

He is an absolute doll and it sounds like MIL is having some issues with adoption as it doesn't sound like a racial thing. Have you asked her if she is against adoption and pointed out her negative comments towards Luca? I will tell you that we get some too in our family but they are slowly coming around. I have made a decision that the best thing I can do is handle it well in front of my children and either laugh or ignore it, as they are looking to me on how to handle it. I am so sorry you are going through this.... it is quite sad. I would almost want to ask in a very respectful way if she has a problem with adoption; does she realize she is doing this? Regardless, Luca is absolutely gorgeous... and his smile is beautiful. If that doesn't bring Grandma around, I'm not sure what will.

[Smylinatya]

He is a beautiful baby with an adorable smile! When I saw his smile, I couldn't help but smile to :-)

I am wondering if you MIL is just uncomfortable and doesn't know HOW to act and what to do. Sometimes when people don't understand something they like to throw up other situations that they do understand. If it were me, I would have a conversation with her and let her know your thoughts. She may not even realize how angry and upset it makes you. Some people don't take hints you need to lay it all out there. If things don't change then you can say you tried. If things do change then your son has a grandma and you don't have to feel so upset and might even have a relationship of your own with her.

Good luck!
Jenn

[allorton]

Would your husband be willing to talk to her about how you all feel about her treatment of your son? Maybe if he pointed out to her the way she is acting and ask her to stop comparing her two grandsons.

I have in law issues but they are different. We have a 3 year old and my father in law expects him to act like an adult and yells at him for little things that are not even wrong. Last time we were there he once again yelled at him and I told him if he ever yelled at him again that we were leaving. My husband backed me up. I hated to have to do that but it really upsets my son and I will not let him treat him that way.

Good luck and I am sorry you are having to deal with this. It is hard to understand how she cannot share in you and your husbands excitement about Luca. When you look at that face how can you not love him.

[pmgor]

Ugh! That would really tick me off royally. My own mother has made little effort (if any) to come see our son (home since Sept 04) luckily she lives away so I don't have to face her constantly. What does your husband say? I'd say he should probably ask/face his mother and say "hey mom whats up?"

That is very sad... Luca is a gorgeous, precious boy and she is lucky that he is part of her family.

[yellowdog]

Wow, are you sure we don't have the same MIL??? Mine is the same way...has seen dd twice since we brought her home in Nov '04 and both times it was because we went there (they live 3 hours away). She is constantly going to visit my SIL who lives 5 states away but can't go 3 hours to see dd?? Keep in mind that SIL has the only grandSON in the family and he too can do no wrong. We too love our nephew and SIL to pieces but there will come a day when dd is old enough to realize what she is saying/doing and that is what bothers me. I look at it as her loss but I worry about when dd is older.
MIL also gives us the 'guilt-trip' a lot about us not coming to visit them but when we do go there, they go about their business like we aren't there. She always says, "I can't wait to get my hands on her" and "I miss her so much" yet she held her once for a photo at Christmas and we were there for several days and did not hold her at all when we were there in Feb.
This weekend will be interesting as we are having dd baptised and celebrate her 1st birthday so lots of family will be in town. We have not heard if MIL/FIL are even coming...won't surprise me if they don't but they will rush to grandson's house they minute he utters his first word or cuts his first tooth.
Oh, I forgot, she also carries around a photo album in her purse of the grandson but not of our dd our the 3 other granddaughters in the family. UGH.
My dh is hurt by this but won't say anything...he thinks they are the ones missing out and it is their loss...true but I still worry about when dd is old enough to understand it herself.
Hang in there and love that smiling Luca to pieces! He is beautiful!


Shelly
mom to Lily
dob 4-2-04
home 11-17-04

[hibbard]

I wish I had some good advice for you! After I saw that photo I just had to chime in and say what an ADORABLE boy you have! He is just the cutest little guy. Who could resist?

[Vicki H]

He is absolutely adorable. I really don't have much advice, my MIL does not bother that much with my son, but it has nothing to do with him she is just very involved in her own life and has always been that way. Even to her own children.
I just wanted to say I think you son is so precious and has a beautiful smile.


Vicki

[Chop]

I have experienced the same thing only the favoritism is for my bio son. When something is said in front of the children I point out a positive quality in my daughter. My children have now learned that when one gets a compliment they send a compliment to the other. I also explained to my family that sometimes they need to be persistantly affectionate, understanding some people just don't attach as well to adopted children. Sometimes we need to show love even when we don't feel love. I have found over the past 5 years that those that heeded that advice have a great relationship with my wonderful daughter, those that didn't are missing out on the blessing of all she has to offer.


I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. It is heartbreaking.

[hopin4ababy]

My in-laws just visited a couple of weekends ago and the response from them when we brought it up (my dh had told them about the adoption on the phone about 2 months ago) was what you would expect if we had told them we were getting divorced. The room went silent for several LONG seconds (they are never quiet) and it was so uncomfortable I was almost sick. It was very obvious that they are adamently opposed. They refused to talk about it the rest of their visit. I know their problem is their deep rooted preudice and I am not sure if they will ever truly get over it. My dh told me after several sob episodes that if they can't accept us as a family (all of us) there will be no visits allowed with any of their grandchildren (we have 2 bios). I have no advice for you, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I guess I needed to vent more than I thought, too! Ali

[lockharts]

I love that picture of him too. I have lived this life about 11 years ago. We adopted our first son, and my EX-husband (now) had a sister who gave birth to a son as well. Once our little boy was home, his family seemed ok on our arrival day. Then, I noticed that when they came to see us, (once) they brought the other boy with them. (this is grandma and grandpa) I let that roll off my back, but I hated that they compared them all the time. I have since divorced that husband and his family. I will tell you. (These are my thoughts so please don't think I am starting anything here with any other forum friends. ) I feel very few things that I feel very strongly about. The first is my Family. If you say or do something against them, you said or did it against me. Call me protective, but NO ONE will ever hurt my children and not hear about it from me. (not talking kid stuff- serious stuff) I still feel that my sons are the outsiders when they visit their Dad and his family. He will deny that, but I know it is true. His soon to be Ex-wife #3 (step mom to my sons for 5+years) told me that she too sees that with his family. She felt that they accepted her kids from a previous marriage more than they did mine. Because they are Guatemalan? Adopted? I have no idea. All I know that I can do is listen when they talke about their feelings. (now 10 and 11 years old) Reassure them that they are loved and treasured by many other people in their lives. Try and shield them as much as possible. And know that when they grow up, they will understand the true meaning of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I was in a class yesterday. One of the things that I took home from that class is - You and only you have control over your attitude. From the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep. No one can change that attitude or mood unless you empower them to. So don't give them the power to make you angry, bitter or sad. Don't give them the power to break up your family or marriage. It is her loss if she doesn't see the treasure in front of her. One other thing I took away from that class.

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.
Watch your words, they become your actions.
Watch your actions, they become your habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your DESTINY!

Hope this helps. You can PM me if you want. Good luck. AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

[DPline]

You have received some wonderful advice, and there is nothing I can add, but I just wanted to say that Luca is just the most adorable little boy and I can't imagine how anyone could not fall in love with that sweet smile. ((Hugs)) to you.