[LeslieinGA]

Need urgent advice for a new referral. I have been offered a referral of 13 month old little girl with hispanic/african heritage. I was wondering how you might have dealt with he biracial issues that might have cropped up? Issues and concerns of your children looking different from you? Concerns of yours for your children and how they will react to the visual family differences later?

Honest! I did think of this before, but now with the added African heritage of this precious little girl, along with the Hispanic heritage, it has given me pause for thought.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!!!

Leslie

[kdkhopper]

First of all, congratulations on being offered a referral! Our 3 1/2 y.o. ds, adopted domestically, is African American, dh and I are caucasian so I understand your concerns. Fortunately, we've had very few "issues" related to our trans-racial adoption so far. We were pretty concerned with dh's family - they're from Northern Michigan and had zero experience with any other ethnicities than their own. However, one look at our son and they were all madly in love! There have been "educational opportunities" with family and friends about racial stereotypes as well as adoption stereotypes, but pretty easy so far. There have also been a few opportunities for comedy relief (like my mom asking me if we were going to tell our son that he was adopted and the little girl at church asking me why his hair is like that ;-) Like I said - great opportunities!

That's not to say that we don't expect more serious issues down the road, especially when ds begins to realize physical differences between himself and his mommy and daddy. We try to expose him to lots of different cultures, right now mostly through books and videos. There are lots of wonderful children's books that address differences and celebrating what makes us each unique. We're also very fortunate to live in a very ethnically diverse neighborhood, so lots of opportunity for positive interactions with other cultures.

I think the most important thing for me personally was to do some serious soul searching to make sure I didn't have any hang-ups about having a child of a different race. It was difficult and I had to confront some stereotypes and predjudices, as well as insecurities, that I didn't even know I had. I had to make sure I had the ability to help my son feel good about who he is and to be proud of his heritage. The first time I held him in my arms, I knew that he was meant to be our son, regardless of any differences in heritage we might have. Making him part of our family was the right decision for us.

I think that society as a whole is much more accepting of colorful families and children such as the little girl who may join your family who have a rich and diverse heritage. It's such a personal decision and I think that it speaks well of the type of person you are that you're taking this decision so seriously. Good luck to you in your adoption journey - feel free to pm me if you have any other questions.

[foxl]

But, my dd is Indian and very dark-skinned, and we are northern European.

We live in a border state (Civil War stuff all over), and I have had no derogatory remarks made (she is only 3.5 ...). Family is handling it well (much better than I anticipated), she is in a mixed-race daycare class with African American teachers, and so far has not seemed concerned by the differences, herself.

My husband has gotten some dirty looks when alone with her, from African American women. He just blew it off.

Most people are really nice, some are openly curious, but if you are not defensive, you will find they are not malicious in their curiosity.

The sweetest thing that happened, a little African American girl asked me if she was my daughter, and when I said yes without explaining, she said, "well, she's kinda brown!" I enjoyed the opportunity to explain to her, and she seemed to appreciate my explanation.

Best wishes to you, and I am hoping you accept your referral! And post pix, if you are willing!
Linda

[LeslieinGA]

Thank you both for your responses. She really is a beautiful girl, but like kdkhopper said, I have to determine my own hangups and insecurities before I can accept her referral. Working through that now.

Anyone else have suggestions or comments?

Here she is!

[foxl]

She is BEAUTIFUL! Truly, gorgeous.

I can understand your concern about issues complicating later in life, and I agree.

I know my daughter won't be an "exact fit," anywhere either. The Indian first generation kids ("ABCDs") won;t accept her, neither will the immigrant ("FOBs"). She is not "white," or "black," either. I know it will be somewhat tricky.

Then on the other hand, look at hispanics ... you can fit inwhite, black, or anythign, there. I am hoping with more mixed-race kids, the coming generation will be more open, at least!
Linda

[Bassette]

My 16 year old is bi-racial. I am of european decent and her father is AA. Where ever we go she just fits right in and people embrace her.

I think the key for us was nurturing her self confidence, for her to develop a comfort in her own skin. She doesn't seem to be attentive to race or skin color and people have always commented how beautiful she is and that it is beautiful she is of mixed heritage. Heck, my daughter thinks that being bi-racial adds to her popularity!

It has been a very positive experience, for me, raising a bi-racial child and I have immensely enjoyed all the attention I have gotten over her the past 16 years.

I think your possible referal is absolutely gorgeous by they way, really really gorgeous! If you continue to have reservations about her mixed heritage it could hurt her in the long run if you accept her referal so I can appreciate that you are thinking long and hard about it. It will be very important for her to have someone in her life who embraces and teaches her about both her hispanic and african heritage and teaches her to love that about herself.

[Mimi Morris]

Your picture is absolutely stunning. I live out west and my daughter is primarily Guatemalan Indian. She is the only non caucasian child at her daycare and she is loved by all. If she hears the word "cute" she immediately turns her head . I think the big question for me would be how would I feel about adopting a child who is asian or caucasian or african or latino or Indian or Filipino or Haitian etc. I would go by my gut level feeling.
No situation is absolutely perfect. We had friends who told us they didn't adopt (they remain childless) because they thought our region in the west was too white. Well, whatever, I just plan to help my daughter develop good self esteem and enjoy her life but hope to keep the lines of communication open regarding any issues she may have along the way.
Good luck!

[spaypets]

Like foxl, my dd was born in India and we are of N. European decent. We've had nothing but positive feedback from family, friends and strangers. Indeed, DH has noticed that women of color are particularly nice to him when he is with dd, who is very dark skinned (darker than your possible referral).

However, being a "mixed" family, we get A LOT of attention. People come up to us in restaurants, give my daughter gifts, compliment us--it's all positive, but it's a little like parenting a celebrity -- people I've never met, recognize our daughter.

When we did our homestudy and the sw asked how we would handle any negativity, I said that I expected very little. I was right, but it can be tough realizing that you are the center of attention.

[foxl]

I was going to add, I use public transit a lot, and I have felt if anything more included and acknowledged by people of other ethnicities, when my dd is with me.

She definitely is a conversation-starter. I could see, if she is awkward as a pre-teen and teen, where that could be a drawback. On the other hand, it might teach her to be more poised and gracious ...
Linda

[ljohnson55]

I'm impressed by your willingness to soul-search this way. It certainly speaks volumes about you and the seriousness with which you take this issue.

And let me just get out of the way that this little girl is spectacularly beautiful...I mean truly stunning!

We are caucasian parents of a Guatemalan son. His features appear to be mostly indigenous rather than Hispanic, and thus it's clear that he's not my bio son. (He is mistaken for my husband's son as they are both dark featured.) We live in CA where there is a hugely diverse community with every conceivable mixmatch of parents and children. As such, we've been so lucky not to have gotten any negative reaction to our son.

We are also friends with a single, caucasian man who adopted an african american child domestically. They live in the midwest. This man is loving and supportive of his 7-year old son, and they are a terrific match and a wonderful family. I do know that they have received some truly shocking negative comments about being father and son, and only after people find out that the boy is adopted. (as if somehow it's okay that you have a bi-racial child, but only if you have them biologically.) He was well prepared by his agency for the possibility of negative reactions and as such, was able to respond in the way that he deemed appropriate when they occurred. Rather than being taken by surprise, he was able to be that role model for his son that he wanted to be.

Your truthfulness about your concerns is a great indication that you're ready for this challenge. And note that it will be a challenge, through no fault of yours or your child's, but the way our society views race. I applaud your openness, and this little girl would be lucky to have you as parents if you choose to go that route.

Best, and please keep us updated,
L

[Eveybri]

She is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!
Whatever your decision, I am sure it will be the right one.
My hubby is Irish and I am Italian.
Our daughter looks nothing like us.
But we knew that before going into international adoption.
I can say I am PROUD to be her Mamma!!!!
Good Luck..........she is a gorgeous child and someone would be proud to say she is theirs!!!

[resabelle]

What an absolutely beautiful little girl!!!!!!!!

Please read this through to "hear" my input as my own feelings have grown on this issue throughout my adoption process.

My DH and I are adopting two little girls from Guatemala and at first, we were only adopting one. We imagined our referral to be light skinned and I truly feel we are both diverse and it wasn't that we had an issue with it, but that we did not want our child to feel out of place. We talked about the "what if's". We got our first referral and she did have lighter skin.... and then we got a very surprised call for a second child. We had been approved through INS and our homestudy for two and our agency sent us a second referral.

We fell in love with our second daughter instantly. When we went to visit both girls in person, I was honestly awe struck. Our second daughter is quite darker than our first and I must tell you we have gotten many comments about her darker skin. However, our response is the important part because it has never been an issue for us.....

I had a co-worker whisper to me that my older daughter was much darker than my baby.... so I whispered back "yes, but we will get her out in the sun more, she will tan like her sister." The lady was taken back because she got the point. 1) It is not an issue, 2) I'm not going to let her make it one, and 3) I am so proud of both my girls that I will embrace their skin color as much as their voice or their personality. These little girls were chosen for us and they are precious.

My point here is telling you how I feel. We were worried at first too, but now that I look back at that time, we realize how much of that was not an issue for us. Both of my daughters are absolutely beautiful and I could not be more proud of them. I think when you "click" and it feels right, you will find that your child is perfect for you and any worries are replaced by incredible joy. Our daughters look very different but both are so unique and so beautiful and so special and we would not change one thing about either of them.

Best wishes with your decision, but I didn't want to share that your referral picture is stunning.... a beautiful little girl.

[Shoshana]

I'm responding here as an adoptee...

Back when I was born, in the totally closed era of adoptions, even in a 'home for unwed mothers' rather than a hospital, there was an effort to 'match' the child's features to those of the adoptive parents. The agency did a pretty good job with me -- in fact, I was blond, brown-eyed, and petite - just like their bio daughter who had died at age 3, just two years before I was adopted.

Sometimes when a family 'blends' so well, the adoptee's identity --isn't-- acknowledged. It becomes easier to hide, easier to blend, easier to pretend as if the child really weren't adopted. I'm not trying to say that my parents weren't honest with me, they were, always. But there were always the comments, "oh, you look just like Janelle (deceased sister), or "oh, you look just like your mother." I know not all adoptees feel this way, but it really bothered me - it felt like I was being dismissed, or not 'seen' somehow. 'As if" I really wasn't adopted, or as if I really wasn't --me--.

I do know that some transracially and transculturally adopted kids have challenges - but so do the ones who blend in. I honestly think it depends not on the amount of love and devotion of the adoptive parents, but on the child's temperament, how she interprets her environment, and how she understand what it means to be an adoptee. It could be that looking different is a --benefit-- for the child in comparison to being able to 'pass' as a bio child.

[nikki27]

Wow,
What a pretty, darling little 13 month old! I fell in love with her just looking at those eyes!!!! What a hard decision for you. I can relate. We are a blended adoptive family. I am Cauc., our daug. is Cauc, Dad is Hisp, son is Hisp. and hopefully if we get chosen for our referal we will be adding on another Hisp. boy. When in public I get curious looks, but they are not negative at all!!! People give my son soooo much attention. He is like a star!!! He is shy and could care less but, it makes the adoption a positive experience for everyone. Well, I can relate to your dilema. About three weeks ago our social worker approached us with a baby that wasn't born yet. Mom was willing to relinquish her parental rights she wanted her child to have a "mom and a dad". She was forty two and a single mom. We immediately told our worker YES!!! But we were then told mom (hisp) said dad was AA. We agonized because we knew for certain we would love and honor this child but it would look drastically diffrent then us. We spent the entire weekend discussing it and really soul searched. In the end we said no Are reasoning was two fold. First, the child was not born. We did not know health. Also we knew that are reservations were not positive and that would not be fair to the birthmom or baby. We also talked to my husband's family (all Hisp.) and they said the baby would look more AA then Hisp. We have no one in our family with that make-up but they knew from aquantiences. I know this sounds funny but I worried that we would stand out in public too much. Let me explain my daug. is very pearl white, blond hair blue eyes etc. my son is very hisp. black hair dark eyes, baby would be dark. I would look like a "sorded women" My children each would have different daddy's a white one, a brown one , and an AA one. I did not want to make my family stand out that much. I know thats harsh but its the truth for me. We both agreed if it was are first or even second adoption it would not even be an issue. We would just adopt another AA or biracial child. But this was going to be are last baby and the social worker said we would have no problems adopting a hisp. baby. Well, our worker said we made the right decsion but it felt so sad but we were at peace with it. Our sw said over 50 homestudies were sent in after we declined. So the baby will be loved and by the best family. Another reason we had is that we really wanted a full Hisp. child. We have a huge H. family that can culturally enrich their life. We adopt through foster care and there are many hisp. children. Well, last thurs. we were called with a four month old Hisp. healthy boy!!! We were supposed to find out today if we were chosen...but worker was out today!!! Sooooo another sleepless night. The little girl is so cute. Honestly, if we could have seen a picture I think we would of took the baby no matter what. There were a lot of unknowns. I would not pass her bye. She looks very healthy and sooooooooooooo cute!!!! I wish you the best of luck!! She is a GEM.

Nikki

[Kate'sMom2B]

It's great that you are addressing these concerns now. (And as everyone mentioned, she has a rare beauty!).

We have not raised a bi-racial child so I really have no personal advice. I will say this though; there were things I never even thought of to consider when we adopted our Roma/Gypsy son from Russia (and now a daughter from Guatemala). We have 2 bio red-heads, and a blue-eyed blonde from Siberia...dh is a red-head and I have brown hair and eyes. While I thought I covered my tracks by educating myself about the children's possible concerns or issues growing up looking different...one thing I didn't consider much was the "conspicuous-ness" of our family as a whole. I am pretty introverted by nature, so I don't know if I'll ever get used to the stares we get when the whole family is out together! It feels like the layers of family privacy are peeled off for the whole world to see...and they really LOOK too, lol. I see a lot of whispers and stares directed our way when we are all out to dinner at restaurants. Sometimes I wish we wore t-shirts that said, "Ever heard of adoption?" Even an elderly aunt of dh's passing thru town the other day made the comment, "Your family certainly has all different colorings now, that's for sure" ( this she stated no less than 3 times in 1 hour). Finally I said, "And we LIKE it that way!"

All we can do is love our children (which is the fun part) and try to instill self-confidence in them...embrace their similarities to others as well as their differences. Finding role-models of their same race(s) to interact with.

Ok, for someone who has no experience with your initial thread, I sure found a lot to say.

Good luck in your decision. She is definitely a gorgeous child with those eyes and curls.