[foxl]

Please, if you choose to decline this referral, do so without guilt! Adoptive parents tend to think that by declining a referral they are depriving the child of a home. As Nikki pointed out, nothing could be further from the truth.

I went through the pain of declining TWO (pretty severe) special needs referrals, and felt horrible. I later found out BOTH had been accepted elsewhere, within weeks.
Linda

[LeslieinGA]

Many thanks to everyone who replied to my post and the pms.

This has been an incredibly difficult decision for me, but I found myself trying to talk myself into accepting the referral of Jade. When I opened the first pictures I received, I wasn't as taken with her as I was my first referral that fell through. After opening all 13 pictures(!) I still wasn't in "love", but knew that she was a happy, healthy and beautiful child. To accept the referral without the feelings of complete confidence that she was "my daughter" would not be the best for Jade. She is so very pretty that I know she will be snapped up by someone that things she is the best girl in the world.

I am going to wait for the Lord to bring me a girl who speaks to my heart.

Thanks again to all for your support and encouraging words.

Leslie

[99hopeful81067]

Leslie, thank you so much for sharing your process with us.

>I found myself trying to talk myself into accepting the referral<

This says a lot. I think for most of the really important decisions in life, the heart makes its decision in its own mysterious way. But it can be hard to dig down and find what that decision is. Sometimes I wonder if the brain's activity, which we think of as decision-making, is actually just decision-revealing -- like liquid boiling away in a crucible, or pebbles jiggling in a goldminer's pan. The decision is already there.

And you're absolutely right, Jade will have no problem finding her way home!

[foxl]

I appreciate your sensitive approach to a complex situation. I do not think this was a situation where you could have made a "wrong" decision.

Best wishes for a referral, SOON!
Linda

[ljohnson55]

Leslie:

You've made a courageous decision and one that is right both for you and for Jade. You have paved the way for her to find the family that was meant for her...and your family merely awaits the child that was meant for you.

Best,
L

[Pamsko]

I was also presented with a referral that I didn't fall in love with. The pictures of the little boy were the most unflattering I have EVER seen. I stewed about it for a few days, asked for lots of advice on the forum, and then turned him down. It wasn't just the pictures, it was several other issues as well...one being his overall small size. I did more research into the size of Guatemalan babies, spoke to our pediatrician about another issue, and over the next few days, I found myself opening the e-mail with his picture and looking again and again at him. I had a long heart-to-heart with my dh and myself....then contacted our agency and said if he's still available, the answer is yes. I know other families had turned him down and he'd been waiting on us since April 04 (we accepted him in July)...thank you all the families who turned him down!

I hope that I will be able to call this little one and the other infant boy my sons one day (soon!?!)

You have to follow your heart and don't feel guilty if you turn her down...her forever family will find her!

[SadieAnn]

What a beauty!

Curious if you had a specific ethnic criteria for your agency?

My husband and I are waiting to adopt. I was open to a trans-racial adoption, but he wanted to stay with our ethnic background. Although we plan to talk about adoption with our child from the start, dh didn't want it to be something that was a subject of discussion at any opportunity. Which is probably more apt to happen when your children look different from you.

I felt very awkward about this subject with our agency. I felt guilty that I was saying I was so desperate to be a Mom and yet, "oh by the way the child has to be ..." But after talking to our agency I felt much better.

They said, "you have to seek the child that is right for you and your family".

Regardless, you are clearly taking this decision seriously. I'm sure you'll make a great Mom. Best of luck in whatever direction your choose.

[myshade]

I was a bmom to a gorgous bi-racial little girl. (deceased) While I was pregnant I had to deal with all the QUESTIONS of why I choose to have her. MY advice to you is color is only skin, it doesn't defy the person. If this is something you can handle the go for it. There will be issues later but if you love her the you will be able to handle it. As for as family, you'll be surprised.

I am just starting the adoption process, but my goal is to adoption a child of color. For my son sake. We want him to be able to have an open mind about different ethnic groups without influences from other people. He knows his sister was different, but he never knew her. At this time he does not see color(he's only 4), but I believe with a brother/sister who is of a different ethnic group, that will never change.

best wishes.....

[Princesa's Mama]

She is a real cutiepie!

[amie-b]

OH MY GOSH! she's gorges! she looks something like the little girl we have accepted. i just adore those curls! we too, are very caucasian, and our daughter to be is darker skinned than we are. but we are thrilled to add a little difference to our family. we live in a region that is not so colorful, but are ready and willing to take any challanges that come our way. whatever their color, every child needs to be loved right? my best to you in your searching.

amie-b

[rellen_vet]

What a beautiful little girl! And it is really good that you're addressing these questions now. We have been discussing these same concerns, not about ourselves but what it might be like for an adopted child in this part of Maine, where there simply are very few children of non-white races. If we are lucky enough to be able to adopt, could we (a couple of white New Englanders) preserve her heritage for her somehow, help her appreciate and be proud of her uniqueness, and at the same time help her to "fit in" with kids her own age? I think the love we could give as parents, and the improvements in early education in regard to racial and cultural differences, could make us successful in that. But even better would be some sort of support group for "mixed" families, where our children could meet and play with other children who are like them and share the same sort of family situation.

[mary594]

There are going to be racial differences and physical differences regardless of whether the child is Mayan, African or Spanish. So no matter what I think issues will creep up as they get older. I know that my daughter is pretty much 100 percent Mayan and she is darker skin, we get stopped everywhere we go, people comment on how beautiful she is but also ask alot of questions some very intrusive I think. But it comes with the territory of adopting from another race.

When I entered into this and decided on Guatemala I never imagined how my life would change first by being a first time mom second by all the attention she gets.

I started by looking into the Russian program because I wanted a child that was similar to me, ended up with Guatemala and saw all the beautiful children and I think alot of the people who post there children are very spanish/caucasion looking so that is what I assumed I would get. I was taken back when I got the referral and saw this little dark hairy baby I actually thought she was part African and had some concerns.

Funny how life turns out and I believe the lessons God wants you to learn. I look at my daughter now and think she is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. Her skin is beautiful Olive tone and we went to Florida and even using 60 sunscreen she got the most unbelievable tan, one I could only dream of.

So I guess my point is no matter if you accept the referral of the beautiful little girl you posted or you wait for another, they are always going to look different than you. They come from another culture that is so different. I don't think the African heritage is really going to change anything. Oh and yes you will get people just looking at you also, probably trying to figure things out. But who cares!!!!

Do what is in your heart, here is a pic of my beauty just because anytime I get an opportunity to post her pic. I take it LOL!!!!!

Mary